I Sometimes Fear

I somtimes fear
and by sometimes i mean often
that I'm full of crap
that i'm not working hard enough
that even if i'm as talented as I imagine myself
which I'm sure I'm not
that talent is one of many things i need
and I don't have the others

Upon a wall, the words were written in blood/From the Land of Chaos


And out of the flaming mouth of hell, I saw the dead walk;
I saw the legions of the damned and the soulless, scatter upon the face of the earth
and the children of men consumed, and the seed thrown about in confusion,
to wonder the land that was once their own.

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ThoughtShock: A Manifesto Chapter 6


Chapter Six
'Doubt Rests On my Shoulder'

When you stare into the mirror long enough, you start to believe in all the lies that shadow you like a bad rash. You tell yourself that you demand respect. Shouting it to an unseen enemy. I am alive, I am breathing, therefore I am and in the back of my mind I still have my doubts, still feel as though I don't belong. A twisted sense of humor displaced as if I was only renting this space. Every second is spent in a fight, staking claim to the territory of that moment, with an unspoken fear that death shall claim me in silence. I survived my birth. I survived my childhood, as I have survived every obstacle hurled at me. Standing after beat down after beat down. I do deserve this life do I not? Then why do I feel like that is not the case? Many close calls yet still walking, still standing tall. Walking as if I am one step off course, out of tune with everything else. Trying desperately to no avail, finding my own path not covered in weeds.

There was a time when I had felt connected, and centered. By now it could be a myth. Distant feelings still lingering on the tips of my nerves. Every great while buzzing with anticipation by the slightest thought of a memory. Now just going through the motions, a rerun seen a thousand times. Every once in awhile catching a glimpse of something different and this, this is what my life feels it has been reduced to. Trapped somewhere between a personal heaven and hell, metaphorically speaking for your mind can become your own prison.

“My dreams laughingly mock at me
from behind the mirror.
Teasing me and tormenting me
as if I were a child in fear.”

Take my hand, and walk with me. Inside my mind.
Don't dare speak of the horrors in which you will find
Journey deep past the surface,
travel the unknown, step before the precipice.
As you dissect my thoughts one by one
Yet fail to understand me like everyone.
That even the idea to eat the gun
Is really just an excuse to run.

Everyone of you, says that you can understand.
The suffering is part of what has been planned
You say you can relate,
Then tell me it's part of God's plan, it's fate.

The devil in your bed wiles your imagination
sparks entice your forbidden temptation.
It becomes the orthodox of insanity,
the mysterious paradox of virtuosity

“I must decree, To lay me to sleep.
As I slip into this coma,
only to dream of this drama.
As I fly through the stars,
close your eyes the world is ours.
I will know the secrets of the past,
the molecules of possibilities I will grasp.”

Save yourself;
“I slip into complacency in the way I allow others to treat me. Constantly in a struggle for self credibility. A vicious cycle that only perpetuates the loathing and torment. To slip inside the blue waterfall, and gaze on perfection. Dreaming of distant worlds, all the while failing your own conscious thought.”
~ The Dead Poet 'To Woe'

'A Whisper of Faith'

I closed my eyes, knelled to pray
desperately searching for the words to say.

“Faith, to simply close your eyes and take a step
hope and pray that you do not fall and regret.
Where your drowning in doubt,
struggling for a sane way out”

I want to know how you could forget your children,
every soul lost within this wicked playpen.
Running the gambit with temptation until they just give in.
Told to play my part, with no clue where to start.

They bath in decadence, while mocking violence
spewing filth all the while drowning in their spite
cowards all afraid to do what is right.
With a pity me degree, in a school of all about me.
Their eyes wide open, but still blind to see.
Idiots you and I, playing the game of suicide.
Pretending we are still alive on the inside.
A whisper of hope, whats the word? Ah, Faith.
Seeking salvation, redemption, finding our grace.
My garden of Eden, my paradise lost.
Everything sacrificed at such a high cost.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Chapter Seven is "Puppets on a String" which has been posted for sometime now. decided to throw it in the book. Oh and if anyone is curious, the Dead Poet will post the rest of "To Woe' wouldnt tease my readers like that now would I? ;) Hope you enjoy, as always I really have enjoyed myself with this title.

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Why did I doubt you?
Why did I think u were
Going the other way?

I really don’t know
All I really know is
How good it felt to
Hear that we were even

For my whoring ways
To you being with her

Now if we can get dad
To like you, even a small bit
Then we can officially
Be one, without a
Third wheel

I would seriously like that
To go public with our relationship
That will be the first move
Then later on down the line
We can start seriously
Talking about marriage

I would like that more
Than I can put into words
So I’ll just end this poem
On the note that I love Tom

Written on
November 1, 2011

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This was written about Tom ___. All about our relatsonship, about where we are, and where we are going to be.

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Checkpoint at the Nth Street

2010-2012 Poems

We're just two-hour drive apart...
Do you deserve to have the 'nth' chance?
If we have another fresh start,
Will it be another 'nth' nuisance?

I've come this far
To be 'alright'...
The wounds you've left,
Turned into scars.

Would it be too much,
Is it beyond foolishness?
To risk the 'nth' time,
In pursuit of happiness?

Author's Notes/Comments: 

-(c)jerlin 13Nov11 (2:40am)

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In my head

A few weeks have gone by
I can't get you off my mind
We didn't end things very well
It's awkward can't you tell?
We need to talk this out
Things can't be left with all this doubt
I need to know where we stand
I know this situation isn't grand
But your the one who started this
The ending became my only wish
We could get into so much trouble
If our promises turn to rubble
There will be no place we can hide
We'll be taken on a very long ride
If that time comes we'll have to try
Making up a very good lie.

Author's Notes/Comments: 


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Lost Soul


So many lost souls
I can now see it's not just me
Some of us are still fighting to be found
Some of us will never be found
Lost in a world of waste
How long am I willing to wait
How much more can I truely take
How many more times will I get back up when I think I've finally given up
Is this just the beginning or is it surely the end
Is my soul really lost or was it never there at all
Am I ment to feel so broken and abused
I'm filled with sarrow and full of pain
I can't be happy because then I feel shame
Guilt eats me up and spits me back out
I'm always filled with doubt
I rather be hated then to be loved
So many things wrong with me I can't dig myself out
I keep crying out but i guess nothing really comes out
I get left with no answers
I can't seem to figure shit out
Someone please help me out.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This is my first ever poem i've done....