ThoughtShock: A Manifesto Chapter 6


Chapter Six
'Doubt Rests On my Shoulder'

When you stare into the mirror long enough, you start to believe in all the lies that shadow you like a bad rash. You tell yourself that you demand respect. Shouting it to an unseen enemy. I am alive, I am breathing, therefore I am and in the back of my mind I still have my doubts, still feel as though I don't belong. A twisted sense of humor displaced as if I was only renting this space. Every second is spent in a fight, staking claim to the territory of that moment, with an unspoken fear that death shall claim me in silence. I survived my birth. I survived my childhood, as I have survived every obstacle hurled at me. Standing after beat down after beat down. I do deserve this life do I not? Then why do I feel like that is not the case? Many close calls yet still walking, still standing tall. Walking as if I am one step off course, out of tune with everything else. Trying desperately to no avail, finding my own path not covered in weeds.

There was a time when I had felt connected, and centered. By now it could be a myth. Distant feelings still lingering on the tips of my nerves. Every great while buzzing with anticipation by the slightest thought of a memory. Now just going through the motions, a rerun seen a thousand times. Every once in awhile catching a glimpse of something different and this, this is what my life feels it has been reduced to. Trapped somewhere between a personal heaven and hell, metaphorically speaking for your mind can become your own prison.

“My dreams laughingly mock at me
from behind the mirror.
Teasing me and tormenting me
as if I were a child in fear.”

Take my hand, and walk with me. Inside my mind.
Don't dare speak of the horrors in which you will find
Journey deep past the surface,
travel the unknown, step before the precipice.
As you dissect my thoughts one by one
Yet fail to understand me like everyone.
That even the idea to eat the gun
Is really just an excuse to run.

Everyone of you, says that you can understand.
The suffering is part of what has been planned
You say you can relate,
Then tell me it's part of God's plan, it's fate.

The devil in your bed wiles your imagination
sparks entice your forbidden temptation.
It becomes the orthodox of insanity,
the mysterious paradox of virtuosity

“I must decree, To lay me to sleep.
As I slip into this coma,
only to dream of this drama.
As I fly through the stars,
close your eyes the world is ours.
I will know the secrets of the past,
the molecules of possibilities I will grasp.”

Save yourself;
“I slip into complacency in the way I allow others to treat me. Constantly in a struggle for self credibility. A vicious cycle that only perpetuates the loathing and torment. To slip inside the blue waterfall, and gaze on perfection. Dreaming of distant worlds, all the while failing your own conscious thought.”
~ The Dead Poet 'To Woe'

'A Whisper of Faith'

I closed my eyes, knelled to pray
desperately searching for the words to say.

“Faith, to simply close your eyes and take a step
hope and pray that you do not fall and regret.
Where your drowning in doubt,
struggling for a sane way out”

I want to know how you could forget your children,
every soul lost within this wicked playpen.
Running the gambit with temptation until they just give in.
Told to play my part, with no clue where to start.

They bath in decadence, while mocking violence
spewing filth all the while drowning in their spite
cowards all afraid to do what is right.
With a pity me degree, in a school of all about me.
Their eyes wide open, but still blind to see.
Idiots you and I, playing the game of suicide.
Pretending we are still alive on the inside.
A whisper of hope, whats the word? Ah, Faith.
Seeking salvation, redemption, finding our grace.
My garden of Eden, my paradise lost.
Everything sacrificed at such a high cost.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Chapter Seven is "Puppets on a String" which has been posted for sometime now. decided to throw it in the book. Oh and if anyone is curious, the Dead Poet will post the rest of "To Woe' wouldnt tease my readers like that now would I? ;) Hope you enjoy, as always I really have enjoyed myself with this title.

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Elfy's picture

As I read this I thought of

As I read this I thought of many things. I felt connected in a way to the words that you wrote. Reminded me of what we talked about yesturday. Esspicallyy the first three paragraphs. Felt like you took a walk in my mind, and grabbed thoughts and threw them on your screen lol xD. Very good. Lots of feelings, emotions, and self expression was wonderfull. Not to mention the connection. You are a amazing writer wether or not you see or believe it, others do. So let us complement u.


MatthewWayne's picture

Thank you! always love

Thank you! always love hearing your feed back on my writting. Yes reading back over this I do see a starking similarity, ironic considering this piece was actually wrote the day before we talked hahaha hmmmm figure that one out.

"I am my own sort of strange, a supernova of madness and brillance. Forced to share the same space and time. Sane enough to not be seen, yet not crazy enough to be heard." -- Matthew Wayne

SSmoothie's picture

Again another worthy piece of brilliance

Simpatico. Thought shock I love you so... ;) I've always been a sucker or a great title! :D

Don't let any one shake your dream stars from your eyes, lest your soul Come away with them! -SS    

"Well, it's love, but not as we know it."

MatthewWayne's picture

hahaha of course! can have a

hahaha of course! can have a beautiful masterpiece but still held down just for it's title. Thank you for your kind words!

"I am my own sort of strange, a supernova of madness and brillance. Forced to share the same space and time. Sane enough to not be seen, yet not crazy enough to be heard." -- Matthew Wayne