Broken and Abused

Forever Sadness

What is love?
Do we really know?
What's it made of,
How does it show?

I contemplate,
As of late,
of things I wish I knew.
Love and trust,
And life and lust.
But mostly, I just think of you.

I do not understand the world,
Or the things which lie within.
The mysteries I HAVE unfurled,
Have spread my patience thin.

I've tried and tried
To make things right.
But, do you even care?
I feel alone
and on my own.
But you are free from doubt?
Is it fair,
That I still care,
And you go on to scout,
for new love and life
Free of aches and strife?
And I am by myself?

I care for the wrong man,
Every time.
And No matter the case,
They are never truly mine.

Am I just a tissue,
Disposable and used?
Is THAT the issue?
That I'm damaged and bruised?

Please, I'm begging,
I've no one left.
The heart you stole,
Is no small theft.

Now, I am an empty house,
No creature within, not even a mouse.
I'm broken and hopeless and beaten up bad.
Maybe I'm meant to forever be sad.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Feeling somewhat hopeless at the moment...

Fascination

Folder: 
2010-2012 Poems

You are the smile on my lips,
The tears in my eyes…
The lemon in my tequila,
The salt sprinkled on my wound…

I breathe for you, I bleed for you…
My life, my death, my strength, my pain, my hero…
My monster…but above all—
My love.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

-(c)jerlin 31May11. Piece for my video poetry...for the people you can't live with and can't live without.

Lost Soul

Folder: 
poems

So many lost souls
I can now see it's not just me
Some of us are still fighting to be found
Some of us will never be found
Lost in a world of waste
How long am I willing to wait
How much more can I truely take
How many more times will I get back up when I think I've finally given up
Is this just the beginning or is it surely the end
Is my soul really lost or was it never there at all
Am I ment to feel so broken and abused
I'm filled with sarrow and full of pain
I can't be happy because then I feel shame
Guilt eats me up and spits me back out
I'm always filled with doubt
I rather be hated then to be loved
So many things wrong with me I can't dig myself out
I keep crying out but i guess nothing really comes out
I get left with no answers
I can't seem to figure shit out
Someone please help me out.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This is my first ever poem i've done....

Abortion

Sick,infected,sore,
Cough up hate
As they call you whore
You know your fate.
Ache with rage.
Cry tears of pain.
Trapped in a cage
It hurts your brain.
Feel the guilt.
Hear the breaking
See what youve built
Your heart is aching
Taste violence
In youre heart
Smell silence
This is just the start.
Walk down misery
Run away from it all
They let you be
They let you fall
Your done now.
Its finally away.
So take a bow.
Have a lovely day.

ranting...grrrrrrr

I have spent so much rime in my life defending myself from my exes, playing damage control. You know at almost 40 I have a come to the conclusion. Stacy Ann Darnell aka Teague Lemuelle Chesed and Marla Dawn Park can kiss me ASS. Oh my cow so I went through a lesbian time would someone please explain to me why these butches (wannabes) choose to keep putting me down after its been years. I forgot I was a walking ATM. Some might say what money. Well... for Stacy it was the monies from my father's estate. Marla it was never paying my mother back neither her nor her daughter. 700 bucks and she is still trying to have mom put into a nursing home. I bought both of them so many things. Maybe I was raised differently however I was taught that the male takes care of the female. Just like butch takes care of lemme. No, not me with these two I worked 2 jobs and when I wasn't working and got my disability retirement then I was informed that I didn't deserve it. Let me get this straight my adult life serving my country during which I was raped, put down and sodomized only to have people who hadn't gun through it tell me it did int happen. WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE????? I tried to take the nice polite young lady christian high ground by apologizing and accepting their apologies. Only to get more put downs and game playing. I even went into the hospital earlier this year due to a mental breakdown and Stacy was there that I telling people that I abused her. Hold up I went away from the relationship nearly 20k in debt due to her getting credit cards in my name. “allegedly”, however she bragged about it. When we were together she would brag about stealing things from stores and that she could get away with it because she was bipolar and to quote her prairie view and her gays friends would get her out of trouble. I cant even get Prairieview to help me with my bills because “I would be taking advantage.” WTF??? Do you live my life? Are you in my head? Do you see the things I see the noises I hear the voices that make decisions with me everyday. I understand that right now I am coming across as a shameless blaming shrew however I was with stacy in 2003 and Marla in 2008. its nearly 2011 and it's like since neither can control me anymore then i'm a horrible person. Their sides of the story is me lying to them keeping them from things and such, while in the meantime no one asks about the bruises that were on my person the stalking and controlling behavior of stacy nor how Marla wouldn't let me go anywhere without her because she was best able to control me if I was there. This is why I stopped seeing women and went back to men and to quote Christopher Titus “ I have found my one true love. I got my Starbucks order. “ Bob doesn't make me feel like i'm horrible for being voluptuous, dark skinned, younger than he and not financially blessed the way he is. He just loves me for me. I've only had that in a few people in relationships treat me that way... Sam, Trent, Christopher, and now Bob. I thank you all for allowing me to be REAL to myself, life, family and not trying to change me. Okay so here it is my rant and then quick shout out of happiness. Thanks for reading.
Author's Notes/Comments: 

woke up needing to vent held so much in for years. off meds for a week able to create for a moment angry meds started again this morning  im venting because when people wrong you and try to say you wronged them it really pisses me off to no avail. so tired of people  confusing my meekness with weakness. stacy marla here you go ahead sue me and my collective of personalities. at least i sleep well at night in my med induced rest while you struggle over the crap you put people through and dream about snakes attacking you stacy which you got from my ptsd asssault and marla when you realize you are not right about everything and the world does not revolve around you maybe youll grow the frick up!!!

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falling dominos

Folder: 
LIFE

dont FUCK with me know!

ive been broken down

my dreams have been distroyed

i dont see the world like i useto

im in a hell hole now

and i think in staying here,

so don't FUCK with me now!



my soul has lost its light

ive been stripped to pices

i do not belive in hope

faith is a game now

and im tired of playing

so don't FUCK with me now!



the pain is slowly consuming me

heaven dosen't seem so bad

revenge must be a sweet taste

life is a freaking bore

So dont FUCK with me now!

i have been broken down

and i can breake you too!

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I was 13 when it started, the first slap was enough for me.. but year after year he seemd to find me and the abuse continued... In 2000, I was able to place my abuser in jail. In 2009, he was found guilty of first degree murder on his Fiance. In the state of Texas that is the death sentence.
My fears may have ended, but for many women, children, men and pets, thier life is still in limbo.

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