tomorrows

From drunken ashes….

From drunken ashes….

By jfarrell

 

You’ve seen the harry potter scene…

The phoenix burns to ashes…

Then reappears two minutes later…

Egg, to little bird thing, to renewed phoenix

 

I was a drunk…. august, this year, I was still a drunk…

I AM a drunk… and proud of it….

My dad drunk and beat up his family…

I drank, went to sleep, wake up, drink…

 

Rinse and repeat…

 

Today…

3 women kissed me on both cheeks….

Everyone I work with patting me on the back,

Shaking my hand….

 

“Thanks, Jim”

 

Most I felt valued, alive,

…... like, ever…

And I haven’t got a scooby doo why.

….. not that it isn’t all nice…

 

Since I returned to work,

I faced a lot of my worst fears….

Heights - serving champange 25th floor of building…

London at night, all lights, forever…

 

Never seen London look so beautiful…

 

Crowds - being stuck on Olympic Way….

From station to work takes 5 minutes…

After work….

Hugging the wall, and kissing, very lovingly, every lampost….

 

THERE’S NO WAY OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

After work….

50, 000 people and a little extra…

All headed for the same station….

…. trust me, I really love those lamposts….

 

An anchor…

In this OCEAN of people….

Anchor…

What word could be more appropriate?

 

SPACE….

To roll a smoke, to dance a jig….

To plug in my headphones and LEAVE EARTH>>>>>

A space, chance, to breathe

 

And…

So many beautiful women, everywhere…

20 years, locked in my flat, alone, celibate….

There IS a very good reason I chose that.

 

I’m too scared to be a phoenix.

I’ve seen my future,

Alone,

Forever and ever.

 

Please don’t drag me from my ashes;

Let me smoulder…. burn…

“a taste of honey is worse than none at all” - great song…

I don’t want no part.

 

Fears - LOVE - vulnerable, pain, hurt, heartbreak….

I don’t want no part, too scared to…

Let me lie in my ashes

And never rises again

 

please

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

someone once asked me.... you're like a kid in a sweetshop, around women.....

not quite, i replied.... yes, kid in a sweet shop.... but aall the mars bars are empty wrrappers.....

my therapist didn't understand,

 

i just never want to have that conversation again