alcohol abuse

A drunk, long before I found alcohol By jfarrell

A drunk, long before I found alcohol

By jfarrell

 

 

Used to watch my dad come home from the pub

And beat his wife and kids

Used to see my mum plied with drink

To walk out with a man and humiliate all of us,

Humiliate me, again

 

When we got taken into Care,

I didn’t know alcohol was involved

(found that out recently)

But, at least that first time drunk

Scared me back into being teetotal

 

I found alcohol at 25 and fell in love with being inebriated.

Up til then, I’d always had a ‘drink problem’

though teetotal,

Fear that one taste I’d end up like them

Fear I’d become him

 

Maybe I’m not far off him, not that different,

I have no wife or kids, so don’t know if I’d hurt them

Maybe I’m just as blind to how alcohol changes me

As he was blind. That’s why

I was a drunk, long before I found alcohol.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

not sure what makes me smarter than my dad, if i am

Shaken, not stirred By jfarrell

Shaken, not stirred

By jfarrell

 

(as James Bond likes his Martini’s)

 

My name is Jim, not James;

Association is what gives definition, gives meaning;

‘James’; my first associations are James Bond and King James;

As you see, very stirred, not shaken.

 

I come from a scumbag family on a council estate;

I speak with a stutter

And am as courageous as a cockroach.

I can’t be a James.

 

But a Jim?

Short, insignificant, as important as that bug you just squashed?

I can be a bug. I’m that big and brave.

I’m Jim.

 

And my drink of choice?

Put everything and anything you want in that pot,

Shaken or stirred….

My name is Bug…. Jim Bug…. and I’ll drink anything

Author's Notes/Comments: 

can't bare being called james.... it's just a name.... my nname... but i can't bare it - my nname is jim, like a bug

My first time drunk By jfarrell

My first time drunk

By jfarrell

 

I was 16 and it was the first, and worst, party I’d been to

“Bring a bottle”

4 turned up; 2 brought bottles of whiskey; 0 drinks whiskey.

 

Well, I’m buggered if I’m wasting ten quid.

A minute ago I was teetotal,

Now, I’m a whisky drinker.

 

For four hours, the four of us

Sang along and headbanged to “Yellow Submarine”

Whilst I drank the whiskey.

 

As I drained the last I exclaimed

“Damn! 2 bottles of whiskey. Can I take my drink or what?”

Then collapsed on the floor.

 

Awake, but unable to move or speak

Just hope nothing bad happens

Now, that’s getting paralytically drunk, for real.

 

Scared I might vomit,

My ‘friends’ put me in the garden, for fresh air

And forgot about me.

 

Some hours later

Someone sees a body dumped in the garden

And all sigh in relief, it’s just me.

 

You’d think there’d be something to learn from that;

Some lesson about the folly of drinking.

But, I was a drunk, long before I discovered alcohol.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

and i still like the yellow submarine, by the beatles ;-)

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Fight or Flight By jfarrell

Fight or Flight

By jfarrell

 

The door opens…

The unseen dog goes for me…

It’s owner raises his fist as I cower..

“I’ve had enough of people like you….”

THUMP!!!!

 

My therapists tell me, the way the brain works,

All them hormones and chemicals being released,

It’s all about ‘Fight or Flight’

Our body preparing us

To resist or to run.

 

I freeze.

Anticipating the pain,

Anticipating the shame;

There is no running or fighting back

Just waiting for inevitable violence.

 

6 years old, my dad drunk, angry because….

I couldn’t spell bronchitis…. I took the wrong book to school…

My sister hurt herself at home, while I’m at school…

He’s mainly angry because he is unhappy with his lot

And this is his way of dealing with it.

 

6 years old - where would I run to?

6 years old - I’m gonna fight my dad?

Maybe, this is why no ‘fight or flight’;

Just waiting for the inevitable;

Waiting for the beating.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

no more fight or flight for me - my invisible dragon gonna burn everyone ;-)

Drunk Vs Sober

Drunk Vs Sober

By jfarrell

 

 

Let’s start by saying “alcohol reinforces depression”;

I offer no argument;

I’m not a doctor,

I can understand the argument.

 

But,

I was teetotal until 24;

Growing up with my parents,

Staying away from alcohol seemed like a VERY good idea.

 

I was alone when I was teetotal;

I’ve always been alone, as a drunk;

“alcohol reinforces depression”;

Yeah, but I would still be alone.

 

And that’s wot causes the depression.

 

In nine days I will be 50;

My concept of sobriety….

Never drink alcohol again….

…. a new year… a new life…

 

Possibly……?

 

I can’t not drink, ever again;

I prefer being drunk to sober;

My shame, my feelings

Are dulled by alcohol.

 

Cutting down my alcohol…

I have no choice;

Get home midnight with 6 am start…

No time to get smashed..

 

To those suggesting I should… I might….

Sorry…

Maybe not superdrunk forever;

But being sober forever…

Even if I wanted to…

Sorry…

I just don’t see that happening….

 

 

But…

Maybe life does, today, start at 50.

 

And to those that read, and did leave a comment…

Yes,

I will be having a 50th birthday party;

I’m still here, I’m celebrating.

 

Whether loads turn up, or its just me dancing with me my beer…

 

I ain’t gonna know anyone…

New job, new “friends”… “ bring a bottle and a friend….

“no birthday cards or presents…

Just your goodselves, your prefeered drink and a friend…

 

Facing fears, taking risks….

Valuing myself….. still here, at 50….

Will the real jfarrell, please stand up.

Drunk Vs sober…

 

Alcohol is a crutch….

But, I’m still standing…

My crutch may be COSTLY and very ugly…

But, I’, still standing.

 

And having a 50th birthday party…

Thanks for voting…

 

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

cutting down my drinking, i have no choice - but i can't see me stopping and never drink again, sorry - maybe sometime in the future, but right now, ending this year and starting a new one - just hate being sober too much

From drunken ashes….

From drunken ashes….

By jfarrell

 

You’ve seen the harry potter scene…

The phoenix burns to ashes…

Then reappears two minutes later…

Egg, to little bird thing, to renewed phoenix

 

I was a drunk…. august, this year, I was still a drunk…

I AM a drunk… and proud of it….

My dad drunk and beat up his family…

I drank, went to sleep, wake up, drink…

 

Rinse and repeat…

 

Today…

3 women kissed me on both cheeks….

Everyone I work with patting me on the back,

Shaking my hand….

 

“Thanks, Jim”

 

Most I felt valued, alive,

…... like, ever…

And I haven’t got a scooby doo why.

….. not that it isn’t all nice…

 

Since I returned to work,

I faced a lot of my worst fears….

Heights - serving champange 25th floor of building…

London at night, all lights, forever…

 

Never seen London look so beautiful…

 

Crowds - being stuck on Olympic Way….

From station to work takes 5 minutes…

After work….

Hugging the wall, and kissing, very lovingly, every lampost….

 

THERE’S NO WAY OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

After work….

50, 000 people and a little extra…

All headed for the same station….

…. trust me, I really love those lamposts….

 

An anchor…

In this OCEAN of people….

Anchor…

What word could be more appropriate?

 

SPACE….

To roll a smoke, to dance a jig….

To plug in my headphones and LEAVE EARTH>>>>>

A space, chance, to breathe

 

And…

So many beautiful women, everywhere…

20 years, locked in my flat, alone, celibate….

There IS a very good reason I chose that.

 

I’m too scared to be a phoenix.

I’ve seen my future,

Alone,

Forever and ever.

 

Please don’t drag me from my ashes;

Let me smoulder…. burn…

“a taste of honey is worse than none at all” - great song…

I don’t want no part.

 

Fears - LOVE - vulnerable, pain, hurt, heartbreak….

I don’t want no part, too scared to…

Let me lie in my ashes

And never rises again

 

please

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

someone once asked me.... you're like a kid in a sweetshop, around women.....

not quite, i replied.... yes, kid in a sweet shop.... but aall the mars bars are empty wrrappers.....

my therapist didn't understand,

 

i just never want to have that conversation again

 

 

Lucky

Lucky

By jfarrell

 

Me, I’m lucky;

I still gotta roof over my head (just);

Unlike the several poor souls I passed;

Wrapped in cardboard, in shop doorways

 

On my way home from work;

At 3am;

With last night being so cold and wet as it was;

I may forget it often, but I am

 

Lucky.

 

Even luckier than the chief executive,

Who’s getting £90 million bonus, this year;

So much responsibility;

All that money.

 

Seriously; I’d drink it, maybe buy a toy, and get bored with it;

The dude who is getting it… why…

He’ll use the money - new house, cars, holidays;

He’ll spread it around, recirculate it.

 

Lucky.

 

I do what I can; couple quid here, cup of coffee there;

On £7.50 an hour (£8.50, if I get a ‘rich’ booking)

There’s too many for me to feed.

But, I do what I can.

 

The difference between me and that executive?

He’ll buy things, spread it around; more people would benefit;

I’d drink it, and still only give a few quid here and cup of coffee there;

I may have a ‘good’ heart, but I’m a drunk.

 

Luckiest.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i've kknown sleeping on the streets - i'm lucky and i don't wanna go back there, and my heart cries out to those who have to sleep out tomight, in this weather

Voices

Voices

By jfarrell

 

 

My first can of beer, or glass of wine,

Speaks to me;

She cries of how lonely she is, “Please don’t leave me all alone,”

And who could refuse such a damsel in distress;

So, with all the dignity of a Knight, preparing for battle,

I bravely open another.

:-)

 

The second can sings to me a sad song,

Full of failures and weaknesses, my failures and weaknesses,

And like George before the dragon I am driven to my knees.

I thrust, I parry, but this dragon is too much.

Then I hear my Siren; she sings to me from the third can,

The Popeye theme tune

:-)

 

And I know what I must do!

Like a can of spinach, I crush the can and catch the geyser;

With each caress of the beer, my clothes rip,

As my muscles grow

And Sir Drunkalot is to the rescue.

:-)

 

The answers may not be at the bottom of the glass….

But I have a hell of a lotta fun checking;

And I love my Sirens, their singing is so beautiful;

Drown, I will, willingly, again and again,

To chase my Sirens to the bottom of the glass.

:-)

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

;-)

you all hear the voices too, don;t ya? :)

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Labels

Labels

By jfarrell

 

I lost mine for a long time,

But labels define us; me, certainly;

Dad, mum, lawyer, thief;

What we do, what we call ourselves, define us.

 

I used to be a nursery officer,

I worked with young children,

For those unfamiliar with the term,

Then I was ill, and had no label for a long time.

 

For 17 years I was nothing, maybe still am;

Waste of space drunk became my label;

Mentally ill, depressed, this abbreviation and that abbreviation;

None of them defined me, just made me feel useless.

 

Now, I’m like a duracell bunny;

Some days I’m a barman; some, a waiter;

And I’m stretching labels in between;

I have a definition, a purpose, after so long.

 

Important labels I don’t have;

Father, husband, friend;

But, I now have a label that gives me definition;

Note to self: THIS IS NOT THE DESTINATION!

IT’S ONLY THE BEGINNING OF THE JOURNEY

 

Thanks all for listening :-)

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

break on through to the other side, break on through, break on through - the doors i think, or i maybe thinking of  wrong song, hehe