Addiction

Staying or Going

 

 

 

"Staying or Going"

Staying or going which one should I choose?

 

Who’s pulling the strings today, the drugs or the booze?

 

Promises, promises they’re nothing but lies.

 

I see the real truth when I look in your eyes.

 

Sometimes you glare at me with such distain.

 

Sometimes I see only heartache and pain.

 

I forgive and forgive and try hard to forget.

 

You call yourself “scumbag” and are full of regret.

 

I beg and I plead and I cry endless tears,

 

But I’m not the one who must face all your fears.

 

I’m scared and I’m numb and I feel so broken.

 

You run and you hide and leave words unspoken.

 

Left all alone I fall down on my knees.

 

I call out to God to come help us please.

 

This battle is yours, it comes from inside.

 

I can’t fight it for you, although I have tried.

 

Staying or going which one should I choose?

 

Either decision I make I feel like I loose.

 

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Unrequited Puzzle Pieces

She bottled the impossible

With silent gestures she kept audible

While constantly perfecting improbable obstacles

She was always steady and volatile

Keeping reality optional

She moved in a way that was almost comical

Methodical in how she kept  herself intentionally watchable

She was an angel draped over something diabolical

 

But you see,

Her love, it was kind of clumsy

So before she could even share something

Her heart, it was already crumbling

But some how lucky

When most just stared dumbly

As people asked what could be done in tones quickly hushing

And were answered with nothing

She licked her lips and they tasted of honey

Then she knelt in a sunbeam and she began softly humming

As she put back together Humpty Dumpty

 

She was meticulous and neat

And she memorized each shattered piece

Right there in the street

She stayed on her knees like a priest

And as the light teased to the east

The beast eyed her technique

But didn't speak

A deep heat seeped through her cheeks

Time seemed to increase in speed then ease

 

Sweat glistened over her skin and muscles

She was deft and subtle

As she shuffled through the rubble

Trying to coax a whole from this puzzle

We call Humpty Dumpty

She was trouble

But Humpty, he thought she was lovely

See, when he was all about beneath her heels crunching

Thinking this is the end it must be

And is, there a special hell for his particular type of shell

Or just nothing

 

No matter where the end

She was able to put Humpty together again

She repaired him, but you see her intent it was just pretend

She filled in each crack with future revenge

Making a mortar of resentment mixed with torment

In a violent and bitter personal blend

That she could later rend and augment

Again and again

 

But, she stayed...and there were more falls

Never had one seen an egg so mauled

Humpty, he would fall then drink and drawl

He would scrawl small obscenities all over the wall

He would crawl to the top dripping ethanol

And scream about his cholesterol

And the proper protocol

For being a neanderthal

 

But, it turned out Humpty was jumping from the wall after all

Time after time just pissing

Missing the seat and painting the stall

Wheezing deep breaths of albuterol

While screaming who made him the intercontinental apostle

Made of Swedish meatballs from Montreal

For Humpty it seemed to be now, that lucidity was a fluid thing

And he was just barely able to forget his faults

With an hourly top off of propylene glycol

And Rubbing alcohol

In a way that couldn't really be considered sub-lethal

 

Instead of braving what might be  waiting

And facing down the sound at the end of the hall

Humpty became addicted to the whoosh and rush of the fall

He'd hide from the shame engraved in stains across his frame

By breaking and cracking his own skull

Always seeking the oblivion that called from the bottom of the wall

 

Now left alone with only pieces of him galled

She became used to her tears and the taste of their salt

The manic habit was static and so sad but too late to halt

Till one day she looked down at it all and

Couldn't find a single thing in her life by which she wasn't appalled

So she finally took all of Humpty’s pieces

And she mashed them into a lumpy little ball

That she placed upon her lap

As she sat atop the wall

 

Looking down wondering what it'd be like to fall

Author's Notes/Comments: 

this is an allegorical analogy of true stuff. tell me what you think....

Forever 27

For it is those who are forever 27 we cherish.
For it is those that are gone we wish,
were here, were loved
And those that are gone forever
will hold the key to the all knowing
It is for them we are wowing
For the insane are often the greats
For life has it's treats
for life is a mess
A random accident or not
It is here
and we are there.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Another oldie

Addiction

S.T. Coleridge succumbed to addiction,


As he found it crucial for the creation,


Opium was said to be opening doors,


For the poet, working as the oars!


 

He flew like a bird all around,


The fairyland of vision he really found,


He amassed the gems with famished heart,


Got blissful with the gift of the art!


 

With fresh verve Coleridge flew more and more,

 

Assuming the trances to end nevermore!

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Love Poems on I make this promise to you I am Yours

To be your lover when you need to be loved,

your doctor when you are ill,

your army when you go to war,

your umbrella when life rains down on you,

your rock when you get weary,

your shield when you need defense,

your spirit when you are drained,

your pillow when you need to rest,

your voice when no one can hear you,

your ear when no one will listen,

your comfort when you feel pain,

your hero when you are under duress,

your sunshine when darkness falls,

your answer when questions arise,

your inspiration to overcome obstacles,

your hand to hold when you are frightened,

your kiss that wakes you everyday,

and your "I love you" each and every night.

 

I am yours... all of me.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Author Name: Nancy, for more Poems check Poems for her Thanks

Gone too soon

Too many gone too soon, by way of the needle and spoon......5 friends alone in the month of June and a wake today at noon..........this disease has my life such a mess, felling possessed, hoping for death......Yeah I'm fucking depressed...You must be a genius to have guessed.....alright I will confess I have no control getting high and really don't give a fuck if I overdose and die! I can't admit defeat even living on the streets, no food to eat, no shoes on my feet.....I gave everything away......I really don't know what else to say.....my only thought is getting off E today......a little hustling and boosting and I am on my way to see Jose....it's the same routine every fucking day......when does it end?.....should I listen to my friend and go to detox again?........damn I can't stand being a slave, I know this disease wants me in my grave......I need to have God lead the way......I am ready today!

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My Flame

 

 
My Brokenness hurts in new ways in each season of my life
Some more painful to go through than others
Sometimes you're not the only one affected either
His Truth remains the same,
His fire burns; His Flame.
 
In the rest of His arms my soul seeks,
Yet my sin and body meek, 
To the one who destroys,
and employs destruction,
The magnet to my heart so sweet,
Yet my falls induction. 
 
A spiral I see but to the Lord He smiles for He knows the blows only brings me closer; His trials
In the hope I see, an end to the trend of my slippery slope,
Yet that end isn't near but I can hear, what is that?
 
Ah yes, His truth remains the same, His fire burns; his flame. 
 
The Lord accepts me in my failures, the precepts He gives He tailors, 
For me. 
I see it, but still fail, 
I hit the trail and run. I try and catch up to You but still I stumble, I mumble, I groan, my feet fail me
It's time to give up. I give up. I give up
 
I trust in You, but still I try to live up, drink from Your cup I try. I try, I try, 
Yet I still die, and why?
 
Ah yes, don't forget! His truth remains the same. His fire burns; His flame! 
 
But Lord it hurts, it's painful, I don't like it but I need it. 
I love it, but I hate it. 
It's growing on me now, I see it.
 
Oh lord how beautiful You are, 
And how I thought you were so far, but no! 
You're right here, You've always been here! 
 
What's this? You're handing me a mirror so that I can see myself? 
But Lord, let me just gaze upon You,
Let me see you just for another se- wha', where's my filth? 
I'm white as snow.. Wait God, where did you go? I need You! 
 
[God] " Son, don't be afraid for I am here with you.
 Remember, my Truth remains the same, 
my Holy Fire burns, it is My Flame! 
 
It destroys you, yet frees you.
Though your feet may fail you,
My love never fails
 
I took the sin of the world and put it upon my Son as a sacrifice,
The only thing that would suffice
He paid the highest price.
 
He died and rose again,
Now you are made clean in my sight, 
My love for you, made complete." 
 
[me] 
 
God, I praise you,
I give you my everything 
May my life represent the goodness of your love in my life.
 
May my lips sing of your praises forever and ever. AMEN! 
 
[pause]
 
Entering this rest....Was this life a test?
No,no
A blessing, that will have me forever confessing the goodness of my Lord,
My Savior, my King, my Father, my Sword.
 
I am His son, for whom He loves and will never be forgotten.
He is here with me.
His Fire burns bright, and His Flame sustains me, from within me. 
 
Thank you, Lord. 
 
Author's Notes/Comments: 

I wrote this in the midst of my complete brokenness dealing with a struggle of mine. It shown my struggle of going back and forth and then the way it's written shows the anxiety and distraction i have during it. also, at the end is the hope in which I can gaze upon God freed of my pain and basking in His beauty, changed all throughout because of it. 

The Aftermath

Folder: 
The Love

 

I'm in his arms and I think of your touch

The one on my leg in the car during rush

Hour traffic goes by, and you're not by my side,

I'm left here begging and pleading the tide

To wash you back to shore, to be forevermore

To be with me in this life once more

But I know moving on is what's expected

I know what we had never resurrected

And this fucking tragedy has me crawling

In ways so cryptic, it's  appalling...

I'm in his arms, and I think of you

He's no lover in the way we loved smooth

Rough and competitive, he leaves me on my toes

When with you, we always knew what each other knows.

And starting over was never in the plan.

Starting over was not supposed to happen.

And what of us?

What are we to do?

I crave you... I still crave you,

You told me goodbye... not see you again soon.

What am I to do?

He can never hold me the way you do. 

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i was never special

i was never special
better never 
never more 
But I wanted to be 
and tried 
But the world is cold 
And calloused over
Its always why I lied 
You can't come in 
where you gonna go 
Everything's been denied. 
My mixed mistakes 
Fault me now 
I Saw myself and cried 
End on high
Now that's a plan
Death until I died
No such luck 
Cross me now
On the other side