brown

I Held Back

Folder: 
Personal

"It's been a bit,

since I've written real words, 

real verbs, letters lined up 

to litter the page 

 

with alliteration, 

metaphors, hyperboles,

other devices that help gain

your undivided attention.

 

It's been a bit,

I almost quit,

because the last time I was on stage,

I felt like a tripped.

 

I felt like I didn't perform, 

I knew I was pulling punches, 

because there was much to consider, 

but now it's got me a little bitter.

 

I held back.

 

I held back,

lowering my tone,

juxtaposed to my actual voice;

loud.

 

I held back,

because of the 

familiar face

In the crowd.

 

I held back,

instead of letting it rip,

taking people on a little trip

to recount how one's lid

 

was flipped.

 

I held back

because I was scared

that I wasn't hip

and I wasn't hop, 

 

when I was raised on Wu-Tang 

and Nas 

in a place where 

where rain constantly drops,

 

and I know how

the beat drops, 

the mic rocks, 

and how rhymes can make time stop.

 

I held back 

because the tone of my skin 

has people guessing 

wrong my ethnicity, 

 

if you think I'm white,

you're not right, 

and to be honest 

that's not point.

 

Because I come from a place 

where I was too nerd to be brown

and too chale be white 

and too polite to be hanging out 

with the gangsters 

 

stealing cars 

and shooting at other's backs,

and if you think

I'm talking about blacks

 

that's the problem,

assumption causes caution, 

because not only were those 

want-to-be thugs

 

of fairer skin, 

my only friends

were much darker kin.

In the Marines,

 

we call ourselves green,

and you're either 

dark green, 

light green,

 

and there's no disillusion,

you disagree? 

Shoot, 

perhaps in the Army.

 

And yes, 

the Navy too, 

there's no turning back, 

I'm no longer holding back,

 

what I'm saying is true. 

The point of this piece 

is to bring peace

to me,

 

that I was wrong 

to hold back, 

to withhold from the reader,

because how can I call myself 

 

a poet

if I'm not painting a picture? 

With your mind as the canvas,

and my words as the paint?

 

I watched poets come on stage,

deliver works of art,

things beautiful, 

and I saw a beautiful, torn heart

 

put her hand up in the air

to an artist work,

like it was gospel in the church,

with thoughts on me! I saw,

 

but I held back,

and what I provided last time

was a finger painting 

of child's skill.

 

I need to be real,

paint a real picture,

my motions and emotion

the finest paintbrush, 

 

now fluttering about

all over your mind, 

hopefully breathing to life

that I, 

 

a man,

 

am more than some accusation,

of being mean heart.

Of being a relatable object,

supposedly,

 

to a poem so eloquently put

'he broke my heart,

and called it poetry'?

Get out with that

 

hand raised in the air

while another poet

spills out her pain,

and perhaps next time

 

I won't hold back,

paint a picture 

of how her heartbreak

did become my poetry. 

 

Yes, I'm being specific, 

and context would make

for a much hotter piece,

 

but I'm over this, 

over being scared, 

I've conquered mountains

and crossed bridges.

 

Reader,

I respectfully submit,

give me another chance.

I won't hold back."

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I had an open mic a few months back. A good friend of mine asked me to perform at her show she had built from scratch. I was eager to help, having performed at her show before (see 'Other Life') and had performed with (see 'Corpse Pose'). Anyway, I was there and I choked. I held back. I instantly wrote two new poems and read one decent poem, and another, lacking. I cursed myself for doing so. This poem is about that hesitation.

Brown Eyes

She comes through the doors and my eyes are locked.

I can't help but stare she got me on the clock.

Round and round we go.

I stare into the unknown.

I see the passion in her eyes.

Something I wish I could hide.

Her brown eyes get me.

No matter how hard I try.

She is always there and nothing can hide.

The brown eyes get me.

They get me everytime.

I can't get lost.

Lost in her brown eyes.

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"Eye Loves"

Folder: 
My Work

He never thought tho skilled in the art,
how anyone could understand.
And so he kept his wayward heart,
hidden in the palm of his hand.
Going back to a lonely bed,
not comforted by the clock.
The tormented life that he had led,
a mind that raced nonstop.

I have seen this; in my mind,
the tossing and turning each night.
Waiting for some open heart's sign,
with promise to feel the light.
So he trudged thru weary days,
struggling to breathe.
Not knowing peace, but confusing ways,
deciding not to believe.

She always dreamed; tho not out loud,
of that special kiss.
Every time she sang for crowds,
something was amiss.
The social life that she had known,
was coming to an end.
And every night she slept alone,
needing more than a friend.

I have watched this, I have prayed,
trying to help her believe.
As she struggled to just stay brave,
wearing her heart on her sleeve.
So, she worked faithfully,
to keep the wolf from the door.
Not having much security,
but she knew there had to be more.

One day she met this stranger,
his merriment sprinkled with glee.
But in his pretty eyes she saw danger,
and whispered,"what's happening to me?"
From here on out she couldn't turn aside,
not that she even wanted to,
her feelings could not be denied,
she had to think this through.

Meanwhile, his heart was enraptured;
though he never said a word.
Her cute little smile, his lost soul captured,
others thought this absurd.
She brought him chips, a coke, and seemed
to just always be there.
They felt like they had met in a dream,
they had so much to share.

So by and by through much duress,
their secret could keep, no longer.
Late one night, they had to confess,
together they were stronger.
And now their days are blue skies;
for sweet love they have found,
and she is lost inside blue eyes,
and forever he, in brown.

"Happy Anniversary"
to 2 people who HAVE FOUND the magic..
I LOVE YOU BOTH FOREVER...
Mom<3

Author's Notes/Comments: 

A gift for my daughter, and her awesome boyfriend, on their 5 month going together anniversary. A bit of whimsy...

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