Silently - March 22, 2013

Chapter One


I am a new aquaintance that is yet to make a sound.

Yet to be understood, I show no feelings aloud.

When I depart from the public, go home to flee,

I feel the need to tease, to please my sanity.

Silently, I cry. Silently, I die. Silently, I try

to overcome my insanity; bridge over the pain in me.


You make me feel like an outcast just because I'm not like you.

Should I be like who? I'm sick of your complaining,

you're straining me, draining me of energy. Listen to me, please.

It's not you, it's me! My plea for individuality is wrong;

too long do I have to wait for acceptance; you'll never repent this.

Take my fist and bury it under the sand; my will in your hands.

I'm powerless against conformity. I'm just a deformity

on this tumor you call me. Free me of this disease,

I'm fucking begging, on me knees. Please, please,

make me who you want me to be. Tell me, please, what you want to see.

I don't care if it's not me. Make a new me. One you want to see.

Make me what you want to see.

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Fatally Accepted

The Rest

It vacillates, that pride in self
Spins from more than enough to apparently nothing at all.
Professionally and in portions of private
Bound up by the varnish of confidence
Then in corners of lonely and doubtful
You see the surrender of self
The brief look at things to improve
Then the slow easy slide into what’s the point
People know and care and support
Expect nothing more than what it is
Excuse temporary self-centric aberrations
Excuse self harm in the form of indulgence
God what a sick making irony
Close to all that you can mentally be
While physically acceptance is fatal.

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I Am Not Afraid

Young Daze

I am not afraid

to become who I ought

to travel through my youth

& teach what I've been taught


I am not afraid

to grow wisdom in my eyes

experience in my hair

knowledge in my skin

& greatness in my smile

I am not afraid


I am not afraid

to bear what's been born

to save what's been scorn

to love any shape, or

any form


I am not afraid

to accept what's been done,

to acknowledge what's be won

or renew what's begun

I am not afraid


I am not afraid

to thank the unreachable

to forgive the unthinkable

or teach the unfathomable


I am not afraid

to try and then fail

to be defeated, then prevail

to see the beauty in becoming frail

or forget the times i knew so well


I am not afraid



Author's Notes/Comments: 

An old poem I wrote back in '05. Seems like I wrote more meaningfully back then.

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Twisted reality & a wounded love

Realities twisted, lying through your every day lives, seeping in your eyes...

fusion in their very own true colors...

our skin is dead.. the heart is greatest the vessel.

my brain is on overload.. nothing stays in tune. 

Forever packaged in your box of perfect calamity. misery hate's herself, but loves her company..

shadowed by death & the light is to conceal the darkness.

water flows inside us, like our waves of emotions..
Ocean of life, the constant misty rain to trickle despair,

the sand to hold us together & bury the fear sunken beneath it..

I won't ever know if you really love me.

Your mind is almost always ingested with shit.. & then you go & feed it.

although fantasy is my favorite belief, I don't want to be the plaque on your mildly yellowed teeth..

I don't want to be that needle in your arm...

I do wish I could free you from "your reality" of pain..

i'd like to take you on an adventure far away with me.. somewhere we'd both be free.
because in the end I think I know I can ignore & re-create parts of reality to where I need it to be.

I hope one day you'll be able to comprehend that state of freedom mentally.. 

I don't expect automatic acceptance. I know everything is a test..

sometimes, or for the most part, it could make everything seem worthless..

I try my best not to fall on my face.. I live for spiritual feat.

but if what I live for isn't on this earth too, then why is my body here to begin with...?

I feel physically unnecessary.

everything here now just ends up what used to be... i'm not sure if it mean's anything to me..

I miss so many people every second, every passing day... it's like each day is a bigger loss then the one before.

but I guess the soul could just be a gaping black empty growing hole..
Don't get me wrong. I entrust positivity.. but this pain is buried within my identity.

a lot of the time when you'll try so hard to fly... you will end up falling..

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Oct. 2012. 

Man Vs. Woman

Altogether different, by nature draws together
One with hands of satin, the other, hands of leather.

X and Y , a different breed, by far, a different mental need
Whats physical and plants the seed
She suddenly feels the emotional lead
That he forsakes in the name of greed
Her sideways glance that he can't read
her heart that easily so can bleed
that fault of hers that he can't feed.
A man is a man, and a woman can plead.

It's as simple as that. X and Y
Accept it for what it is.
And you are his.

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These ups and downs don't mean a thing
I'll still continue to stare down these walls
locked in a contest until the end of time
where if one speaks, they break resolve
So hunt me down and blow me off
I stopped caring a long, long time ago

For what words can you say to stiffen me?
How you portray...that's the best you can be? (ha)
I've dealt the fool's card time and time again
But this war is no longer mine
and my guns are all bloody, soaked red with time

Cut my hair and knock me off that pedestal
Belay the crown atop my head
Am I not a knight in a queen's fashioned palace?
Or am I but a peasant seeking reprieve?
How, how could you do this to me?
Lend me your eyes and let me see what they see
Waters are rising in up to my knees
damn you confusion!
You'll only draw higher

I should have run at the drop of the first pin
but I waited unto anxiety
to hear your words, your broken pleas
But now...tis' naught but memory
My dear, you've grown old in your naivety
No one left to feed your spite
or drip your ego til' it bites
to sink its teeth into the flesh that bleeds until it finds the site
gorging tender pain and strife
and like a snake, let go its hold
until it finds another life

My darling, how cruel you've turned
your once sweet voice now flaked with hate
I beg you, look unto the sun
and dance within its rays
and discard those dark and dreary shadows
that have you locked within their daze
Could I but muster the energy
I'd hurl you forth to wondrous praise
but my hands are far too grazed
and I do not wish to drop you

So I'll play among the daffodils
and sing with wolves in clover fields
crane my neck up towards the sky
to let my voice be heard to heal
and sleep once more til' moon is nigh
like dusk to paint the evening pyre
Won't you come with me...and dance among its weary fire?

Light my candles and settle with me
as we sit in naked ecstasy
These primitive flames, they will not bite
For they are too innocent
and shelter no remorse to spite
Take my hands...and I will take you far away

But in the end, I know you won't
for you are too afraid
My heart was yours but tis' no more
I cannot grieve unto this day
My eyes are no more prey to tears
but at your feet, I duly laid
The lion in me roars my release
and calls my name to sanctum peace
Remember this day, my dear...for I am free

No longer caring
For now, for now I fight once more for me!
And are just the memory

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Ehhhh...this one was a spur of the moment kinda thing. We all go through bad relationships (at least the majority of us do) and when we finally realize that we can do better, we accept that, and move on. :)


I've never been so angry.
I've never felt so battered.
I've never felt so hurt
But my trust was never shattered.

I told you all my secrets.
I never told you lies.
This should have never happened.
My trust should not have died.

How can i trust you again?
I feel so betrayed.
You might not have meant it
At least that's what you say.
But the words were still spoken
And it still hurt for days.

I have accepted that it happened.
I know what's done is done.
Doesn't mean i like it,
Especially since no one won.
And now my trust is shattered
How can this be undone?

Maybe one day i'll trust you again.
I guess someday we'll know
But until then i don't know what to say
Or even where we stand.
I hate that this has happened
But i know how to trust you, I know deep down i can.

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Quicker than our tires
could rotate, the tiles
turned alongside us,
thrashing nothing, making
soundless, windless thrusts
as if to propel, but
with nothing to
None saw, but I
couldn't take away
my eyes, and not
for fear, but for awe
of the way that they
didn't matter. Not to me,
at least. I turned
to face the back of a
familiar head, and,
stayed about the same.

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What I Missed

I miss texting you everyday
I miss being able to tell you everything
I miss hearing the sarcasm, we both loved

I missed the chance to see you by a few short months
I missed getting the chance to go through old memories
I missed being able to play music with you

There is so many things i missed
But there is so much that you got to see

You got to know your little sister
You got to see the change from toddler to teenager
You got to see who i am growing up to be
Even if you did not actually get to SEE me

Now i know you see me
But in a different way
You're watching me from heaven
Even though it is far way

I know one day i'll see you
And we'll meet face to face
Then i'll finally be able to see
All the things I missed

Author's Notes/Comments: 

To Nathan my big brother. I miss you SO much!

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