I Used To...

I used to say a prayer before I slept; so the Lord my soul would keep--
Now I fall asleep after I weep--the devil my soul to take.

I found answers in my lucid dreams; slay demons with a stare while
the angels sing again...

"All Glory to the Lord!--King of Kings, Ruler of the world!"

Before all my prayers were answered, now I see them on a waiting list
with my hands empty and knees bloody--The truth about me...
I am a divine sinner!

I hear the trumpets' sound from the heavens above--cheers of rejoice
from the brethren...

"All Glory to the Lord!--King of Kings, Ruler of the world!"

Guide me, protect me--I ask thee', "Why have you forsaken me?"

Your mission was to save me, on foreign land you died for me--
A cross I hear!

Still I feel empty, deceptive without honesty--feelings that became
when I said a prayer for you...

The battered and lonely cry out to me--I tell them, "I am not a minister!"
enter their dreams with sinister views scattered out the window...

People around me doubt 'spiritual revolution'--instigating; who do you
believe in? Screaming, "Off with his head," if its not Jesus...

A religious puppet I am not, no strings attached! who do you believe
is King?

I hear the trumpets sound from the heavens above--cheers of rejoice
from the brethren...

Guide me, protect me--I ask thee', "Why have you forsaken me?"

I wear the 'crown of thorns' to feel your pain, the perfect stranger
without a name to be called out--in the book of life! I used to say a
prayer, but now I feel condemned...

My hands burn when I open the Bible, the mission bells ringing, Saints
are singing, sounds like mockery to me, many call 'Jesus' their savior
for convenience, but not me!

Willingly I accept my fate, salvation is only a prayer away--I chose not too!

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Say a prayer for me.

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Fool's Errand

I'm walking the ledge, feet dangling over the edge, again.

Holding on to the rope that's holding on to me.

Wrapped so securely now, breath can't come too fast,

Choking on the knot as it struggles past.

It all dangles so far below.

All the possibilities.

But none of them can ever really be,

Because I can never be the me that should have been.

I've forgotten his face and his feel.

Forgotten what it was like to wear a normal boy's skin..

Too many years spent playing pretend.

But I'm left with his mind and all its crystal sharp brilliance.

Left with the list of failures that are mine to compound.

Left with the sense of an ending, a time that comes,

No more pretending.

All of the would-have-been and maybe-coulds.

All of the best of him, turned to shit.

Just enough left to make it work.

Just enough, to make sure it hurts that much worse.

Knowing what exactly I'm not anymore.

What exactly I lost along the way.

Being left with a handful of gems.

Gems that shine so very bright.

Precious stones I'm told many would kill for.

Little shining stars earning me friends anyone would

Be lucky to have.

These same pieces of soul-torn iridescence,

Are as rupees to most of you.

Rupees held in a shaking hand.

A hand beneath notice.

That believes in its worth, just as you do.

Too many would stare.

Spit upon me as I kneel patiently.

Hands help up hopefully.

Seeking your benediction.

A second chance at a forgone salvation.

Your laughter and your sneers,

At first produced tears and painful confusion.

That became replaced with a hardness one can almost taste,

And the distance of separation,

Between eyes and humanity.

Between mind and reality.

Between healthy mentality.

So he buried his hope in your spit covered sand.

He took his treasures and hid them away too.

First one at a time and then few by few.

He then went away inside himself,

Because sharing your world just hurt so damn much.

He hid and he healed,

Mending the broken best he could,

With spit and some dirt,

With the hateful words you hurled his way.

He fashioned himself a pair of shabby wings.

To the sun he would fly.

He'd soar to the moon and you'd never again get to see him cry.

So far up his tears would be as rain,

Watering the earth,

Feeding the plain.

So high up you'd never have to see him again.

Amongst the stars and the clouds,

With the sun all around,

He could be pretty like you,

And whole inside too.

He'd come back down after days and days.

Months after months.

You'd have forgotten who he was.

Start over again,

This time like it should have been before.

Better, than before.

With a smile on his face; he flew into the sky.

Soared with the birds, though awkward at first. They soon welcomed this dirty one,
Welcomed as kin. Bore him up when his wings would dip. Gave unto him the sacred trust
of guarding their chicks. Many suns came and went, many stories were shared. He learned many things, among them that they could really care for him and his odd ways. That they cared at all.
Soon came the day, they ushered him along. Saying it was time he went and learned, the rest of his song. He wasn't sure what they meant, and it hurt him to leave, but he trusted in their words and their well-wishing ways.

He flew and he flew, arms all but dead. Along came a cloud and offered him a place to rest and be fed.

The cloud was with his family.

It was quickly decided this stranger would have shelter and share in their warmth. The man-boy stayed with cloud family season after season. They showed him their ways. He learned how to nurture the needy with tenderness and care. How winds blown just right can make or break even the strongest of man-things. How to be soft and gentle. How to grow great and dark with a storm held inside you, lightning flashes for your warning, growling rumbles soon to follow. The threat of danger soon to come. How to be still and silent, blowing as the winds take you. The man-boy grew to love them and they grew to love him too.

They saw in him, his lightning, as it was battling his blackened skies. His spirit that was stubborn,
not one to quit fighting. The day soon came, when the man-boy and cloud family, knew it was time for him to go. He would miss them and their different ways. But there was more he needed to learn. Cloud-father left him with the words "A song will only be yours, if your heart can sing along".

Man-boy thanked him and took off, the goal to fly higher still.

He began pondering those words, even as they weighed at him.
"How can my heart sing along when I don't know the words?
I must find the words!", he thought as he flew.

He had vowed to be lovely to look up, and so the man-boy thought of the loveliest thing he knew.
His mind searched and it travelled, far and wide did it go. To the butterflies and their glittering-rainbow clouds of motion, to the sparrows in all of their murmuration fabled brilliance. He thought of the stars in the heavens; gems so much like those he'd left behind and long gone. The loss and the memory, twisted inside him tight and hard; snakes made from shattered dreams and broken glass.
His arms stopped their flapping and he began to fall. For the first time in a long time, he began remembering it all. What caused him to shape his dirty wings; all the tears of burning shame. All the pain he had found down among the man-things. All the joy and love he'd felt once he left that below and behind him. With the thoughts of his journey and the one yet to come, he found the will to flap his wings again; once again higher he flew.

Sunlight shining down from above; began to erase, the tears burning twin trails down his un-pretty face. Blinding him with warm brilliance, holding him in its embrace. He now knew which direction to fly. The sun made everything more beautiful, so perhaps even him. Off man-boy flew to see if it could be true.

So higher and higher he flew. The sun was above him and ahead; so ever westward he went. It sank into the ocean before man-boy ever came close. His heart began sinking as the sun did, his hopes stalled yet again. He swore to try again the next day; found a cloud of which to make his bed. Soon the sun graced the world again, so far to the east. Hopes of beauty to be found began to again live in his chest. Off man-boy flew, his smile renewed in its zest. He flew and he flew and ever closer he grew. Closer he came but there was always further to gain. He flew to the east, and he flew up high. He flew to the west, came back to where he began. Day in and day out, he flew and he tried. Day in and day out, he flew and he cried. The sun ever teased him; offerings always out of reach, if only just. Man-boy tried and he strained, his body burned from the effort.

The wind and the rains bathed him. The sun baked him brown. The flying shaped him strong. The crying rid him of the pain, that had lived in him for so long. He began to hate the sun and its promises; to him in his mind, it had made. Of beauty and being better, freedom from always being so heart-sore. Daily his thoughts were of the sun, and all of His lies. Daily he was consumed with his failures; all of his many failed tries. Daily the sun, rain and water turned his dirty wings into muddy sticks. Daily he had to try harder to fly; notice he never did, no and here's why. He lost himself inside himself as he fixated and obsessed. To wrapped up to notice how he was becoming more even as he became less.

One day his two muddy sticks became one and one stick can't be flapped to fly at all; it was on this day, that he began his greatest fall. The sun didn't blink and he screamed and he cursed. Cloud-family saw him and came to his aid. As they neared him, they shrunk still in place. This wasn't the man-boy they knew; couldn't be who they loved. This creature screaming profanity and filled with hatred; this man-thing must be a mistake. On he fell, confused as they did nothing. Hurt by their silence, confused by their own. Still lower and lower he fell, his bird friends saw him coming; not a single song did they cry. They hurt most of all; for at his silent passing, tears they did cry. The birds saw him and knew him; they knew that they no longer knew him at all.

Still further he fell, ground rushing up from below. As he streaked toward the ground; a falling star, he thought of all he had learned; of the birds and their caring, of their song and his goal of finding his own; that he had left behind somewhere along. He thought of cloud-family and how they made him family, too. He thought of the lessons he had learned, of all of the truths. His own tears began to fall as he realized his folly; all that was shared with him forgotten for nothing. Forgotten in the pursuit of something, he'd already found along the way.

The "Thank you", that spilled from his lips was carried away by the winds. He hoped it would reach the ears of those he loved and he hoped they would forgive him of his man-thing ways. He smiled in sad acceptance just as he struck the earth. It was there they found him in a crater made by his fall; it was there they found him, not broken at all.

He was beautiful and tanned, muscled like a god; as there he sat, broken in the muddy ground. They muttered that it was a shame, a tragic waste and a pity. They couldn't see that inside his broken body; his mind and soul had once again come together; that he was actually for the first time, finally whole.

Only he'd forgotten where his treasures were hidden, no map was there to be found. And he was now stuck with a broken body; nary left an ounce of luck.

But as cloud-family saw; his spirit is strong, not one to quit fighting.

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2010-2012 Poems

Where the dusk meets the dawn,
And all dreams sublime-
My thoughts are as intense
As the first ray of sun.

And these thoughts are in vain
Unheard, blown by the wind.
Like lost dandelions
Scattered in the abyss.

You can call it surrealistic liberty
Or a self-inflicted crime.
To find my way to you
Is a struggle of a lifetime.

But oh, sacchariferous naiveté!
Morphine to 'our' impossibility,
It's better you do not know-
You allure and terrify my inner core.

You are worth fighting for, you make me happy.
But I can't lead you to a life, uneasy.
I won't cross the line, I take heed.
Cause I would have loved you more than anything-

I concede.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

-jerlin (15Feb12)

The Ship Has Sailed


Things just simply didn't work out, and as much as I loved her, the ship has sailed. Now I can either jump in and swim after it and eventually drown myself in my useless efforts, or I can get back on the dock, dry myself off, and wait patiently for the next ship that's bound to come by.



I love to watch her, she is all I think about, from when I wake up to when I go to bed I see her. I open my eyes and I see her, I close my eyes and I see her. She will not accept me, I know that, yet I still chase after her.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This is my first poem I have let people see, I hope you like it.

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Walking on my lonesome
Looking for the starting line of life
I’m twenty-one years to late
But I wonder will she accept me
Who I am, who I be, who I’ve become

That worthless lost wondering soul
Lingering just looking for acceptance
They saw my passion burning

Pretended to be my friend burned me
Left me with nothing love sick, looking
For acceptance and love but there
The same everywhere

Pretended to be my girlfriend burned me
You’re a loser, I’d never love, no one would
Ever love you, you’re too ugly

Rip down the signs that took me down this path

If I could change my life
Be a simple man with my wife and kids doing
The best I can
Have so much love to give
So much words to say I give up there’s nothing
Left but wasting years


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Of Once Was, Could've Been (for my brother)

Realms of unending hopes and lies,
betrays me to its last unties.
I rally the earth to shake all of you
and matter what's best to all I undo.
Try to thieve my pleasure and dream,
chilling echoes will tear destiny's seam.
Good and bad is what I'll have,
to prize this cold beyond its laugh.
Take away your sorrow's creed
and bless this holy spirit's need.
Beneath my soul lies a silent light,
seeking its life to thrive at night.
Shed these tears forever more
and I'll wake free of this nightmare's war.
Betray your enemy's silent walk,
a skeleton's key will tempt to lock.
Hello my evils and all you've done,
your shares are forbidden of what is none.
The of once was and could've beens,
takes my hand in self defense.
Forgive my sins and frightened cries,
for darkness passes I've said my goodbyes.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

my brother asked me to write a piece based on his dark past

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Pride is Damaging

My Personal Faves

sensation of better
better than you
than me yesterday
than he thought i could be
than my sister
because I'm skinny
or smart
because i answer phones after 1 ring
or have red and blond highlights

disgust at my need for success
for approval
who am I but a slave?
who am I but all of your slaves?

I live to serve you
to make you see
that i am worth something
worth your love
your attention
your time
and your sex

i am proud
of my desirability
of his inability to withhold

not proud of my youthful ignorance

of being 'free' or 'romantic' or 'spontaneous'

i live on a stick
a Popsicle shit stick
or puppet string
made to dance and sing by so-called friends
whose opinions
run me
run me into the ground
the tunnels
the rooms
the cubicles
the dreams
the dreams of

not me
except for the accomplishments
which i fight so hard for
poor pity-seeking puppy
begging for love

Author's Notes/Comments: 

New at this.. would love to get feedback or discuss life and politics and philosophy and human nature. Hope this poem doesn't make me seem too shallow. Just a mood..

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Making Reflections Dance

Wulfman Adventures

It is no longer a battle
No longer a war within
All that rattles me
Is the love for my son
The fact that I have came this far
All of my fight
I have finally won the war
Though there are battles
I know I am king again
Not ruler of my world
I leave that for God
I muck things up
'cause the power goes to my head
I am changing the man in the mirror
Finally after ten years when I started this
I have came to where I dreamt of being
Free, sober and clean again
Not a pure soul but a cleansed soul
Thank you God

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