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Lesson

By JFarrell

I’ve spent all my life

Crying over yesterday

Worrying over tomorrow

And

They do not matter

Like the sun

Breaking through the clouds

It dawned on me

Yesterday is gone

Tomorrow never comes

Now is all I

Any of us have

And

Though I cannot do what I want do now

If now I make a better choice

Don’t get drunk now

And keep making that better choice

In the now

A now will come when I can do

What I want to do now

Note: this is my 2^nd day on the wagon, sober; if i make it through until Friday sober, it will be the longest time I’ve been sober in 15 years.

I wasted a lot of now, choosing to stay drunk, and I can not get all that wasted time back, I could be flying to Alabama now, if I had spent that time better

I AM NOT WASTING WHAT NOW I HAVE LEFT

What hath ol' soft darkness brought?

Shameful lust molesting thought,

Immediate self medicate release,

Gently strangles my spirit ceased,

As I drift I gaze below,

Comfortly raping my soul he holds,

When the hands rotate no more,

Orgasmic twilight, pain adorn....

Tolerating every click to the clock

The beat of dementia slipping

into the state of mind

When should oneself be concerned 

for another's vitality

observing their ora fading 

from their presence 

Infecting every fiber around them

destroying all that was known

to be loved 

denying as a human being 

unrecognizable 

to ones own reflection

Realities twisted, lying through your every day lives, seeping in your eyes...

fusion in their very own true colors...

our skin is dead.. the heart is greatest the vessel.

my brain is on overload.. nothing stays in tune. 

Forever packaged in your box of perfect calamity. misery hate's herself, but loves her company..

shadowed by death & the light is to conceal the darkness.

water flows inside us, like our waves of emotions..
Ocean of life, the constant misty rain to trickle despair,

the sand to hold us together & bury the fear sunken beneath it..

I won't ever know if you really love me.

Your mind is almost always ingested with shit.. & then you go & feed it.

although fantasy is my favorite belief, I don't want to be the plaque on your mildly yellowed teeth..

I don't want to be that needle in your arm...

I do wish I could free you from "your reality" of pain..

i'd like to take you on an adventure far away with me.. somewhere we'd both be free.
because in the end I think I know I can ignore & re-create parts of reality to where I need it to be.

I hope one day you'll be able to comprehend that state of freedom mentally.. 

I don't expect automatic acceptance. I know everything is a test..

sometimes, or for the most part, it could make everything seem worthless..

I try my best not to fall on my face.. I live for spiritual feat.

but if what I live for isn't on this earth too, then why is my body here to begin with...?

I feel physically unnecessary.

everything here now just ends up what used to be... i'm not sure if it mean's anything to me..

I miss so many people every second, every passing day... it's like each day is a bigger loss then the one before.

but I guess the soul could just be a gaping black empty growing hole..
Don't get me wrong. I entrust positivity.. but this pain is buried within my identity.

a lot of the time when you'll try so hard to fly... you will end up falling..

”The Monster”

Oh God, wont you help me?,
I alone unlocked his cage,
Now he leaves me not,
Ive allowed him to find his place,

His shackles tear into my brain,
Refusing to pull away,
My spirit has been extinguished,
Is this the price I pay?

I call him the monster,
Only he controls my fate,
I call him the monster,
Endless supply of hate,

I call him the monster,
Weighs me down these bricks,
I call him the monster,
But you call him dopesick,

He used to be so small,
Would only come around a bit,
Now he comes as he pleases,
And leaves me in my shit,

When he calls my name,
I must drop everything and run,
For he holds my hourglass,
His will must be done,

This empty shell sits all alone,
If I could only alter time,
Id put the monster where he belongs,
And leave it all behind,

I call him the monster,
And I dont know what to do,
He lives inside us all,
Can you hear him speaking to you?

I call him the monster.......