prose

Creature

There's a creature inside my head, I can hear it running around

I think it's waiting for me to have a nervous breakdown

I've learned in my life that the scariest creature is the one that's iniside my mind

When everyday I try to pretend to show the world that everything is just fine

I struggle just to keep my composure

Keeping the creature trapped in it's own enclosure

 

Woke up one day and looked at myself in the mirror, as I blinked I kept seeing a glimpse of it

Almost feel like I should be in a mental hospital, but this creature is wearing Ken as it's straight jacket

Keep looking at myself saying I dislike at what I see looking back at me and it's time for a change

Knowing deep down that as I try to do just that both on the inside and outside truly does feel strange

Been this way for so long I've gotten comfortable, to the point that I'm scared to be anything but

No wonder I keep feeling more and more depressed, I must be constantly digging myself more into that rut

 

I know change isn't a easy thing to do, nor will it happen overnight

As of late I feel like I have been hit by a meteorite

Feeling more and more yucky, trying to find out who I really am

What you don't know is most of the time inside my head is a traffic jam

 

There's a creature inside my head, I can hear it running around

I think it's waiting for me to have a nervous breakdown

I've learned in my life that the scariest creature is the one that's iniside my mind

When everyday I try to pretend to show the world that everything is just fine

I struggle just to keep my composure

Keeping the creature trapped in it's own enclosure

 

Ken

Biggest Smiles Hide The Deepest Frowns

You may sometimes see me walking around with a bit of a smile on my face

But on the otherside it's a frown no doubt twice as deep, it's not anything I'm trying to replace

In my life I've learned that people look at you weird and that you have issues if all you do is frown

No matter how much life has actually knocked you down

Nobody seems to care, even if your at your wits end and in your mind doing a countdown

Still nobody cares, they claim they do but when it comes down to it when you need them chances are they wont be near

The quicker they run will truly be dependent on how severe

 

People always find it easier to run rather than to stay close

I guess that's just another reason why I stay seated in the shadows

So people don't see my frown hanging down

The thoughts of myself are so rundown

I don't think anything could honestly invert my frown for too long

Sometimes I do just to play along

 

I'm tired of people asking what's wrong when after I just get told to "suck it up"

Like that's suppose to make me feel any better, getting to the point of I'd rather just be sad and keep to myself

No need to be a bother to anyone on this planet since they'll just walk away or treat me like a book and put me on the bookshelf

It doesn't really matter anymore

I've been through that all before

It's easier for me just to stay away from the human race

Than to explain why the frown is upon my face

 

Ken

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Morning Wood

Perhaps the most useless wood of it all

Once it appears my mind gets flooded with dirty thoughts, guess its one of my downfalls

If I polish it enough it'll bring on a rainfall

 

Walking around having to hide it, at times not easy to do

Sometimes it even shows up out of the blue

Not the easiest thing to deal with,especially when your single

It can be depressing when in the morning you feel that tingle

 

At times you get accused of thinking with your other head

Well it's not our fault it seems that it's most vocal, even at times it makes us stop dead.

When our two heads argue for how we should act

Since generally our thoughts are so damn jam-packed

 

Trying to make sense of anything isn't easy

Especially when ones brain is getting taken over by thoughts that are very sleazy

 

Ken

 

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Drowning In Depression ?

Am I drowning in depression ?
Perhaps this is my confession
My sleep schedule is all fucked up, I lay down for a nap for a few hours
Then I wake up get working on various things then around three in the morning I'm drained got no more powers
Fighting to stay awake so I climb back into bed
To help me get deeper into sleep I pop some sleeping pills so I'm not living inside my head

During the day I struggle to figure out what I want to eat
Most of the time I don't really want to but when I do I feel like it was a defeat
Food doesn't taste the same and at times I feel sick
The feeling at times can last for a few hours then it goes away it really is that quick
People are already panicing trying to wrap me in the word covid and they need to stop
Tired of hearing that word and for the last few months it's been nonstop

I barely have the will to do anything, at times even writing is a struggle
Trying to figure things out at any time can be a real juggle
Feel like I don't make anyone happy as I'm constantly bitched at for what I haven't done
Can't even confide in anyone got no friends nor do I have a loved one
No more will be rushing home thinking "I have to tell" or "I have to show" just walk in the door
With my head hung low since I know most of what I will say will just end up being ignored
I know I won't be going back to work anytime soon, I haven't even thought about doing so yet
Guessing we haven't gotten to that letter during the covid alphabet

Everything I do I get told my Mom's boyfriend would do it better
But if I leave it for him I get bitched at like it's the daily newsletter
It wouldn't surprise me if I was depressed
There ya go you've seen inside my brain and I've confessed
At one point I was even on anti-depressants they didn't work
Sometimes Mom tells me I should go back on them she thinks they would help as the darkness lurk

I'm sure sooner than later they will get forced onto me since I have no voice
It's like since the end of May it doesn't matter what I say because I have no choice
It's all what Joan wants, what Joan says, even most of the family kisses her ass.
Guess they all seem to think she's some sort of high class

Ken

Feel So Alone

I feel so alone, I feel like I've been down this road before
Get to the place where nobody wants me around so natural instinct takes over and I begin to ignore
Everyone around me who have been telling me they are here
But they all want me to change "Here Ken have a sip of this beer"
I don't drink, you should know that
Now here comes the lie of if I drank then people would want to be around me, followed by an argument.. Nope it's a spat

To say that I'm an introvert would mean that I would actually need friends
Or am I so use to writing that's what I began to call my pens
Since they seem to be the only ones here for me
When I need them, as I know they help me set my mind free

I feel so alone, I feel like I've been down this road before
I'm truly a different person once I close this door
Talking to myself is a constant and if I'm not doing that then I speak to my plush toys
Looking at them as my homeboys
When I'm down I know they will be here for me and won't judge
Nor will they ever hold a grudge

Been doing the samething for countless years
If you think my life is distorted don't be adjusting those rabbit ears
The picture won't get any clearer
It's the same reflection that I see in the mirror

Almost forty and this is how I am
Go ahead talk shit about me, put it into a poetry slam
At least I can be open and honest
About the things hidden in my closet
But you have to write under a pen name
So  you can hide yourself from the world, guess your more afraid to connect with another human than I am
See that just worked in something I call a little slam
But who am I concerned with most of you who call yourselves real writers, I know that's a scam

Ken

Uncertain

Hearts beating out of my chest
Lots of deprssion swims through my mind, most of it I've surpressed
After almost forty years I'm still trying to figure out who I am
At times I feel like I'm a character in a movie or have I been written out of this program

Can't make sense of what people say about me, they all say positive things but I don't see it
I feel like they are lying to me and most of the time I think they are full of shit
Looking at myself in the mirror I see nothing good looking back
My soul must be jet black

I've spent countless days sitting at the computer starring off into space
Wondering if a female would ever love me and if I have an actual place
In this world let alone a purpose, or is my life on idle
I've often read that an ideal mind is the work of one whose suicidal

They can't seem to comprehend what goes on in this world or maybe they understand better than everyone
Sometimes my writing comes out of me quicker thaan a tommy gun
Others I wonder if I really want to continue to write or find something else to do and take time off
That's where my mind begins to have a standoff

I lead a very boring life, struggling with every part of it as my brain goes numb
When I don't know if I really want to think about the actual outcome
I already have five preorders setup for the next few months, would it be a good time to take time off
I don't know what I would do or if I could actually turn off

Can't make sense of what people say about me, they all say positive things but I don't see it
I feel like they are lying to me and most of the time I think they are full of shit
Hearts beating out of my chest
Lots of deprssion swims through my mind, most of it I've surpressed
Looking at myself in the mirror I see nothing good looking back
My soul must be jet black
After almost forty years I'm still trying to figure out who I am
At times I feel like I'm a character in a movie or have I been written out of this program

Ken

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Everyones Celebrating

This weekend I see cars lining the streets, everyone is comnig home to celebrate
I'm the one you see cutting his grass in this damn heat and when I'm done I'll be sure to hydrate
Having no reason to celebrate, no reason to go home
I also have no reason to pick up the phone
Not trying to ruin the weekend for those who celebrate Fathers Day
If I went to visit mine I know I wouldn't be able to come back, but anyway

Didn't clue in to the hint fro my last rhyme
Then let me spell it out to you and save you the time
My Father passed away back in two thousand five
Since then that day we would go for a drive
Up to the cemetary to see him, but time has changed since then
One of the last times I went up I told family I went up to see the wise men

At times it's more depressing than anything just to go.
It really isn't anything that one will ever out grow
Keeping it balled up on the inside much like so much else, since I've got nobody to really talk to
I know many who follow my writing already think I'm weird, perhaps it's just a sneak preview
Into my life and into who I am, I know it is I don't try to hide it in my writing
No longer get the pleasure of having the voices in my head fighting

Ken

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Kumbaya

I know I've written things that many people wouldn't agree with
They try to talk to me and compliment my word play and tell me I'm quite the wordsmith
But as they get to know me they find out that I am rather mor-bid
Which makes them think I must have multiple personalities or a team of Ken's as my thoughts are distor-ted

It's true many people don't really understand me and try to change the way my brain works
They've tried to get to me in numerous ways even using ones body but it just doesn't set off the fireworks
I've lost friends over things I've said in my writing, guessing they weren't meant to be or understand
In my life I guess having little to no friends is what God had planned
No wonder why I walk this earth talking to myself, nobody else understand my train of thought
I have been known to not talk as I can be rather shy and whatnot

I know I've written things that many people wouldn't agree with
They try to talk to me and compliment my word play and tell me I'm quite the wordsmith
But as they get to know me they find out that I am rather mor-bid
Which makes them think I must have multiple personalities or a team of Ken's as my thoughts are distor-ted

I've joined a number of dating sites and have never gotten a single match
As I figured from three years ago no lady wants to give me her snatch
My writing will continue to come out of me no matter if I have someone or not
From time to time I may sit and dwell deep inside how no female would want to tie the knot
But that's just the way my life is I suppose
That shit is really becoming old to me just like ms-dos

I know I've written things that many people wouldn't agree with
They try to talk to me and compliment my word play and tell me I'm quite the wordsmith
But as they get to know me they find out that I am rather mor-bid
Which makes them think I must have multiple personalities or a team of Ken's as my thoughts are distor-ted

Ken

Sending Love & Acceptance

Was sitting here at the computer thinking "damn how tough is it to be me" then my mind started to think
If I'm having trouble being me I couldn't imagine being someone else, so I picked up my glass of pop and had me a drink
So much bad shit going on in the world, so much negativity towards so many
Hatred and dislike for different colours, gays, trans so I want to send love to everyone by the plenty

No matter who you are and if your struggling to be you
Keep going, I'm sure your doing you just fine, no matter what's going on you'll get through
I'm talking the individuals not the masses
Cause sometimes the individual needs for us to put down our glasses
To talk to them one by one, rather than address them as a group
As I said it doesn't matter who you are, colour or sex. I'm sending love and acceptance for you to regroup

I want to try to be more understanding towards things that I don't always understand
I want to educate myself toward things to make me more educated
We are all in this world together
I have no hatred toward anyone of you
But just want to send love and acceptance

Ken