BPD

Little Thoughts

Do I think too small?
Do I think at all?
If i have a thought does it matter?
all my little thoughts must lead somewhere for me.
i'm not sure where to be but i'm not sitting here for free.
all my dreams get filed in number 13, how can i think bigger thoughts for me?

i cut myself short and talk myself down.
i hold balloons but never leave the ground.
i make up words so i can say i'm smart, but it's all nonsense, just like my thoughts.
take me up to the clouds i will live there.
fill my head with trivial crap so i won't need it.
i know which way to turn if i never go left.

do i think about you?
do i think about me?
if i think about us does it matter?
all my little thoughts don't add up to anything for me.
i'm not convinced i have what it takes to make it big.
all my hopes get dashed in salt and pepper, how can i think of a better flavor?

i crack myself up and drown myself out.
i slash the tires on my think i can bus.
if my life was a movie, i'd play dumb and dumber, but it's all stupidity, just like my thoughts!
bury my head in the sand i like it there.
ignorance is comfortable and i wear it everywhere.
i know you don't trust me i lie because i want too.

do i think this poem sucks?
do i think you are bored?
if i think it's time to quit does it matter?
all my little thoughts evaporate into air.
i'm quivering in anticipation of my fears.
all my cleverness ran out about 10 years ago so none of this matters!

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A Million Dandelions

he asked for my soul,
i handed it over; no doubts, no hesitation, no fears;
he asked for my lust,
i gave him all i had then he left and i got more;
he gave me his seed,
i'm trying to use it to fill a hole inside of me;
he gave me his love,
i took it and screamed at him it's not enough;

now we've reached reality,
the ecstatic mood has been broken;
an awkwardness has engulfed our every interaction,
my rational thoughts are flooding back to me;
the bell can not be unrung,
his hazel eyes have seen me crazy;

now there's secrets and lies,
i feel dirty, ashamed and unworthy;
he can't forget what his absence bore,
and i can't escape who i am when i'm not his whore;
time draws us closer to the bitter end,
love can't mend shredded dreams;

i stumbled over the ghost's of lovers past,
he boiled and now he simmers over it in his mind;
i snuck across a digital line,
my friend my fault and i agree;
i'm my own worst enemy and my own best friend;

i keep hope alive on caffeine and pizza,
he works himself into a numb living death;
i'll bury us under a million dandelions,
our love will never be gone;
we will forever float in the wind,
the seeds of us planting where ever they land!

Want Some?

the dream in my head is dark and scary.
i'm afraid to sleep.
the fear pauses my heart beats.
if your dreams are messages from your sub-conscious,
then i need help fast!

my exhaustion is tearing me down quickly.
even opening my eyes is making me weary.
i don't want to dive into my thoughts,
in case i drown in their darkness.

blood, red lights flicker and dim, exposed brick walls,
like a set of a B horror film.
i'm confused, dazed, and lost.
i feel disconnected from myself,
like i'm on autopilot.
i watch myself stabbing something over and over again.
the expression on my face is one of glee.
i watch me enjoy the blood splattering onto every surface.
what the hell bleeds this much?

i awake panicked and dripping in sweat.
how could i enjoy such a murderous rage?
i do giggle when i hold a large knife,
but i thought that was because i saw my reflection in the blade.
i am concerned there's another reason,
some deep seated madness waiting to escape.
another night spent pacing instead of resting.

is it a nightmare taunting me?
do i dare force myself to see what i am stabbing?
i feel fragile, like i'm on the edge of some great discovery or doom.
can there be truth here that will heal me?
i decide to medicate.
i take the pills praying for a dreamless deep sleep.

i'm back again!
same place, now i smell something rotting.
i feel the heat of something burning.
i'm not stabbing anymore.
i'm eating, an arm, ew!
i look up at me and extend myself an offer,
"want some?"
i feel myself recoil and shake my head no,
i continue to tell myself,
"it's fatty, but that's why it taste so good well done."
i look over a the corner, and there i am,
stabbed dead, minus an arm,
what the fuck have i done?

i wake up shaking and screaming.
i'm horrified.
i killed myself and i'm eating myself?
what does that mean???
i'm afraid to guess.
am i going to destroy myself?
another night spent pacing instead of racing.
i fear the night now!

Borderline Suffocation

i have too much space!
my hyperness has become borderline suffocation.
i found my place, but you cannot co-habitate in blissed domestication.
there's obligations and duties for you to enforce.

take a lesson and write me down.
blend your habits up and i'll swallow them all.
you're evasiveness is running me into the ground.
my patience stretched to hip popping painful levels perplexed.

did we find each other just to lose one another?
please come here to fill up the echoes in my head.
i know you need time and air to breath.
the same two elements smother me.

you're counting my flaws.
they're adding up and you have none at all.
give me some of your confidence.
i need a protein boost to get me through this.

we make everything about you.
the less you learn about me the better you adore me.
each layer you peel back feels like i'm under attack.
i try to undress to distract you from my psychological distress.

where is the sun?
it left with you along with the fun.
i tell you i only want to please you, but you think i'm lying.
only time will flush out the truth.

life began when you said you love me.
you have all the bullets in my gun.
shoot my heart out, it's yours!
just don't twist it until hurts.

Misery's Bitch

did you find the rabbit hole where you were hoping to find your soul?
i fell into an invisible man.
he missed what he never tried to understand.
he's fed, fat, and happy.
i'm plotting the perfect moment for my revenge.
the cold air nuzzles my neck and chokes on my cigarette.
i'm riding his hot air to the clouds and sliding down to hell on his icy cold stare.
there's love's embrace and fear's kisses all jumbled up inside my memories of him.

did you get to keep her as your one shining light of happiness?
she thinks you are in love with her, but we both know that's not true.
lonliness stalks you at every lie you tell her.
she's not going to buy your delays forever.
she's the type of woman that marries and your the type of man that worries she wants to marry you.
i'm chasing down karma and pointing him to your door.
stack the deck any way you want.
truth has a way of coming out.
it's worth the wait to watch your life fall apart.

did i set this up so i always lose the only thing i want?
maybe i'm wired to be misery's bitch, but i stopped lying.
you never break character with her or I.
how long can you keep pretending to be the man she wants you to be?
no wonder you're always sleeping.
all the acting must be exhausting!
i'd beat some sense into you if i thought you knew how to feel.
i've had my breakdown.
i wonder how long before yours comes around.
i dreamed about you lying with me instead of her.
i don't know if it was nightmare, but it scared me.
you scare me!