social life

Social Life + Work + Stubborn = Life (Short Essay)

Folder: 
2018

People think I’m crazy when I have two jobs, and think that it is wrong of me to take a day off from my full time job. That it is all on me that I do this and all. But in reality, they do not understand the truth. 

 

People are always judging the book cover rather then the contents. They do not understand what really happens within the book chapters or the story. 

 

Reason I work a lot is because if I stay home, I will fall asleep all day. I understand for some that is not a bad problem; but for others it is.  And since living alone, boredom gets to me bad. Yea, i could go “out” and unborn me... but to where? Mall...been there. Movies...been there. Parks....yes & no (especially not when it is cold out).  

What other people do not understand, is that I have anxiety (and some depression)... so going out is a challenge for me as well. Which is why I rather work then to going out out. With this “mental” issue, if I were to stay home...then I’d nap all day. Which I do not want to get into that habit again (used to take 3 hour naps).

 

Social gatherings? Yea, I could do that as well. But when you are an adult in my age (sector), it is harder to make new friends as well. Yea, there are social media gatherings for meet-ups... which I used to do when Yahoo! Chat was still a thing. But it was a struggle for me. 

 

Part of the issues was growing up when friends (so I thought they were) didn’t want to meet up/hang out because I lived “too far away”...yep, I was told this once (when I was a teen in HS) or they went away for the weekend or “their” idea was better, but not mine (and in college). So a lot of the times I gave up hanging out with people even though I still want to. Now most are either too busy or I am too busy or something is up (not that it is a bad thing, but I respect those who have families). 

As we grow older, our “friend group” gets smaller than from when we were kids. Which is why I have Facebook, Instagram, etc... to keep in touch with some friends; even if I don’t hang out with them since they are indeed too far. And even then, unknown if we would though due to different schedules. 

 

Just trying to explain to love ones or friends all this....I know they are there for me. But to what end? Do I need to quit a job to see them? Do I need to move on? I’m not much of reading books, because I will fall asleep (always have); my anxiety hits each time I want to “go out” and explore new places & ideas and laziness hits me. So, I rather work sometimes rather then be bored all the time. 

And then I re-question life and the cycle goes around again. I question:

 

Who am I? Why am I here? Who are we? Who are they? What do you want? 

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My Thoughts (4th Edition)

Folder: 
2017

 

 

As the days and nights go by, I see through the window where

my days go by. I see a new future for me, but somehow I am blocked from the
window being open and my spirit going Free. Somehow my arms are not “strong” enough
to open the window.
I know that I will eventually get there; but at the moment I am unsure.
The last time I wrote a “My Thoughts” Essay; I was then questioning my friends,
life, and religion which was about 17 years ago. Today I question “myself” on
“who am I?”
I have been for several years now and yet my answers have been unknown.
I still wonder on who I am to be honest. On what is my purpose in life &
society; etc. But I have yet to figure that one out.
I question those around me, through me, beyond me, and those next to me.
I question that both in front and behind me as well as beneath and above.
Where ever I look; I see the unknown which consists of many empty hallways with
no doors beyond that of which is behind me.
I walk down the never ending walls; but I see no light at the end, but also no
light behind me.
If I do see a door; I open it and all I see is emptiness. I close the door and
the hallway I once stood becomes a different hallway I don’t recognize.
Each hallway I re-enter is different. And again I start questioning about Life,
Friends, Happiness, and Religion.
I know who my friends are and I know they care a lot about me as I do with
them; but there are times I feel emptiness and I don’t do enough credit to go
out and be with them. Mostly because I work almost seven days a week and I miss
out on many many things with them and beyond both jobs.
I worry that I have been sinking into the rabbit hole a little too fast but at
the same time I take two steps forward with three steps back.
And when I see I am taking three steps forward, it feels like I double in steps
at times.

I miss my old self. But due to both jobs, it is hard to see myself enjoy life.
All I do is move forward too fast and not wait and take a breather. But when I
do, it is only for a few minutes and then I go back to the same routine. *sigh*

As I continue to write about my thoughts....

I can never understand why people talk to one another and then rumors spread to
the point where others talk behind ones back. I thought it be a secret, but I
was wrong!!
A friend that I trust told me someone talks behind your back and then it hit me
right away who. And a day it made me think while I was working on why would
that person tell another on how a certain topic is what is considered hitting
on them. No, I was just having a random conversation, but this person thinks otherwise...
This person thinks he/she knows me; but this person has no idea what I am
really going through. This person does not know my inner thoughts; but prayers,
my “what if’s”, etc. Only knows what I have told that person.
Yea, stupid of me to share much of my information; but I tend to do that to
many people and always feel back stabbed when others find out.
I doubt this people knows all of my other crushes which I don’t tell others
about because it is a “need to know” basis which is why I do not want to ruin
many many friendships in the process. But since I already know their answers;
it is best for me to keep those secrets deep within myself and to keep quiet.
It is for the best and for others not to know.
This is why we all have secrets hidden in our day to day basis. Just like “The
Secret Life of Walter Mitty”. We all have those secrets.
Some want to become super heroes; while others want to be a simple Joe. Maybe we
don’t want to be that that we want to become, but that who we wish to be even
if it takes decades to get there.
Life is not as easy as one thinks it is; but many take short cuts to get there
even if they are considered the “best”, while nice ones are left at the end of
the line or chosen last. We are hardly ever given second chances and when we
do; we are cut. Yet those that are finished “First”, are only given a slap on
the wrist and are usually asked not to do it again.
Life I know works in mysterious ways; but at the same time, life is unfair too.
Every day I question myself, but I also question my friends, myself, my
surroundings, even if we live in the Matrix. Do we really or is it just a
figment of one’s imagination?
Also to this day, I still wonder if anyone has had a crush on me because I know
many have thought that both I was weird and some even today still think I am
weird anyways. (Even if I am, but you get the picture). I have been told many
times that I will find someone “soon”, but define the word, “soon”? That could
lead to different levels in everyday life as in a week, month, years, or even
decades. I am starting to lose hope to be honest. This makes me go deeper into
being alone, solitude and staying home all day or even working even more.
I never had that opportunity of hanging out with friends many times. And if I
did, it was always “them” being the ones to pick. If I had to pick, they didn’t
like it and suggest something different. I know these times happened fourteen
years ago; but at times it still happens because is why when I
“travel/site-see”, I rather travel alone then with others. If I do “tag” along,
I usually stay quiet.
Of course, I don’t deny about the fun times that I do have with those that I
trust and am friends with; but at times I feel like a third wheel sometimes.

I also don’t understand why people are constantly calling out or late to jobs,
meet ups, etc. I at times I understand if you forgot your alarm clock or if
there is traffic; but constantly should not be “excused”. When you are out on
your own and need to pay bills, pay rent, etc; one needs to be a responsible
adult and “grow up”; but I feel some take the easy road and do not become
responsible “enough” to life, work, etc. Sorry, but getting drunk constantly is
not what being an adult is all about. I know I have become an “old man” as to
what some friends say, but I pay all my bills on time, I am always at work on
time, and I hardly call out. Yet these people only get a “slap” on the wrist
and those are indeed on time, they get fired or written up. I know, Life ain’t
fair!

Why I never understood is why those that cheat the system only get slapped on
the wrist while those that follow the rules by the book are either written up
or fired? As it is said, “the good ones always finish last”.  This is what I feel at times. I understand I
am “weird”, as many see me that way. I won’t deny it; but at the same time,
some will not listen to me if I ask them to do something. As if I am brushed
off the shoulder or transparent.
I know, life ain’t fair; but at the same time; those don’t make life easy
either for others.
I always see that if a team player calls out, the team loses at the end of the
day and the team may become weak as well. But if the team is at full strength
and they win the game.

All this may be all mumble-jumble, but I write as what comes out of my mind and
onto paper.

And as my mind continues to talk as I stress almost each day... I continue to
think many many questions about my life, my family, my friends, both my jobs,
and most of all.. My future spouse if I ever wonder if I will have one. I know
I stress and think too much about it; but I feel that at times I will be
“forever alone”. From which this has led to my loneliness thoughts, depression,
etc. I know I should be positive about it; but sadly I do not. Which is also
why I have no “outside” life or social life since I work too much.
Back when I was in New Jersey, I sort of had more control, but not as much
really... I met with only a few and even they had busy lives; so in reality, I
hardly ever went out to begin with (as I have mentioned it above before
already). My social life is zilch. Yes, I do have an online social life and I
have met with several friends from work outside of work; but beyond that, I do
not have no outside friends since I have moved to Texas (excluding those that I
met via my past). Because sometimes I do not even know where to start. Don’t
get me wrong, I do, but I am not a bar type of person, I’m too old for clubs
(yes, I am too old in my own eyes); and my “so-called” pick-up lines are
horrible since I am sure every women has heard them before.
I know people should just say, “Hello, I am....”, but I am not brave enough for
that.
Yes, I am nearing Forty, and I am both shy & a coward to women. I understand
it is not something to be proud of, which I am, but I have come to see it
several times.
People always wondered on why I am still unmarried to this day since I flirt
all the time with customers (for good customer service; and I am not denying that
either) , and have liked countless of women in my life, and I cannot seem to
last more than three years with relations; but honestly, I am scared to go
beyond. :-/ Because I am not able to fulfill my destiny and I throw back myself
into looking desperate and that is when women think I am a weird/creepy guy.
And I have come to accept it at times, sadly.
Unsure what I am doing wrong too. People have told me I should change the way I
act, think, present myself, how I dress or even get a new haircut. But that is
not me or who I am. I am just a simple “joe” at times. I am Me... or where I have
placed it in another way, “I am who I am and therefore I am”.
As a ride at one of my jobs, there is a plaque that reads, “You are more
powerfull then you will ever imagine!” (yes, I know “powerful” is misspelled).
I wish that was true at times because then I hope that for a better &
brighter “Me”.

I am sure one day I will be able to find many answers to the following
questions: “Who am I?”, “Why I am here?”, “What do you see?”. But for now, I
hope someone can hear my thoughts & prayers other than God himself when I
try to talk to him (I know he is always listening; but at times I feel ignored
because I know millions are always asking for thousands of question throughout
the entire day 24/7/365.
So as I lay on my bed, in my car, at my jobs’ breaks, I wonder what Life lies
beyond the rim, the stars, the galaxy, life in general and I will wonder what
my next chapter in life, careers, etc are tomorrow and the next day as I embrace life to the
fullest and dream in my sleep and looking forward for a new day, each day since
every day is Day One always because I know between Family, Friends, and
Coworkers, I see that “We Built On Each Other” (from Lego Clutch Powers) to
succeed in life!!

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

A new and updated version from my previous "My Thoughts" short essay I wrote back in 2000 which three "updates" from it.  Decided to write a new & fresh one from scratch with 'similar' ideas from the previous one.

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