Sharpnels of You

2010-2012 Poems

I walked around the city 
And it burns deep inside. 
Throbbing pain as if my
Insides are slowly pinched,
Stretched and punctured...
Over and over again. 

I walked around the city
And it slowly kills a part of me.
I wiped the gushing blood
In anger, pain and desolation. 
For it fucking hurts,
And it's not even coming
From these stitched, 
Surgical wounds-
Near my heart. 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

(c)jerlin 22Sep2012- Bangkok

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A New Favorite Memory


You don’t know
You just can’t understand
But every time I’m with you
Like footprints in the sand
A new memory created
And that one’s my new favorite
Like this first time we dated
Etched onto my heart

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Church bells ring
But I don’t hear them
Silence is my only sound
My world is in black and white
The color is gone
Since you’re now no longer around
Music once flowed, now out of my life
Children are laughing
But I can’t see
All I see is you, leaving me slowly
Watching me suffer
In love with you, forever I’ll be

Why didn’t I fight
My cowardice shown
But now you’re gone
And I’m left all alone
I’d rather be in pain
Than feel nothing at all
Apathy, still having
Yet further to fall
My heart ripped out
A hollow chest remains
No power to fight
Memory, my chains

So, am I living or have I yet died
Nothing is left, I’m hollow inside

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What is there to relish in heaven
if the vulgarity of relationship haunts
even after retiring from earth?

The loose threads of yearning criss-cross memory
I can still feel the river’s twisted flow
Toward lower reaches, exhausted and strip teased.

The nudity of moon and stars is beyond touch
who cares I evolve or end like them
suspended from a plane I can hardly reach?


Red Clouds Of Dust


The red clouds of dust gather
the dead of earth rise
angels fall from the sky
like bitter tears that fall from our eyes

The suffering of death is long
the agony of life brief
we walk this dry earth
our souls infested with grief

The legacy has been snuffed out
the memory in decay
our last existing breath
like sand has been washed away.

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I need you
I want you
To be near
To never let go
To never walk away

I can’t remember what
It was like before I met you
Nor do I really want to
And that is one thing
That I’m thankful for

I know that I had boyfriends
Before the accident
But none of that matters
Not any more, not to me
Because you are mine

Just as I am yours
That is why I need you
That is why I want you
Because you are everything
That I’ve ever needed

Written on
February 29, 2012

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This was a poem I just wrote to/about my boyfriend, Tom Neville. its now been 6 months and we are both as happy (insert favorite metaphor here). Of course, we still have slight issues but at least they aren't major ones, like most couples get by the second month.

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Open wide to let the world flow in,

while embracing love,

feeling creation. Allow the creative, and

just this once,

forget memory to receive now.

Observe a sunset
and be a part of it.
Feel an integration with everything around you,

for it is you.

Reality is your existence, but what you perceive
is a mere projection.

Your mind projects
with a cluttered vision of ‘know’ledge.

You know not.

It’s opinions, judgments, justifications, speculations, and masturbations.
Forget what you ‘know’ and cast out memory—

significance equal to reveries,

but taken as seriously as reality.

Reality to all
is unknown and immeasurable.

So instead we thrive

in the known and miserable.

-Ryan K. Fuller

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Now is everything

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Shouldn't Have

2010-2012 Poems

I shouldn’t have clicked that stupid link.
Now my thoughts start to sink,
Back from where we began
Until the day I painfully asked you-
To forget me and ‘be gone’.

Your one mistake, I cannot forego.
You cannot undo, even if you wanted so.
Sacrifice our hearts for doing the right thing.
She was there, she was weak-
You shouldn't have given in.

You knew you could have been the one.
You were my best friend, my worst lover.
I was your queen, your heroine
And I always know, in your eyes I’ll still be-
If it’s not a sin.

On the other hand, I’m happy to see you happy.
Finally embrace the life, the ‘consequence’ as it should be.
But still I know those eyes, that Mark Ruffalo smile.
Who many times told me-
‘I’d be waiting for you at the end of the aisle’.

You shouldn't have promised.
I don't regret that I believed.
Life goes on, love survives.
We had the time of our lives.
But still--I shouldn’t have clicked that stupid link.

Author's Notes/Comments: 



It was early evening, just as dark won over
and forced the tapered daylight to sink down to the south.
We laid beneath the comforter and kept each other warm,
giggling at nonsense exchanged by means of code.
Back then it was natural to act like silly brats,
lost amongst the promises we'd told to one-another.
The lights we dimmed and music played as we wasted time,
all relaxed and napping off our lust as if it wine.
The sheets would ruffle into waves with every mild turn
as passing cars would light the room and show me her again.

We laid with noses touching and she chose to ask me if
I still thought her beautiful after we had changed.
It seemed absurd to wonder it, but I still had to admit
that she could and always will ignite a flame in me.
And she grinned and stared into my fair and honest gaze,
and told me that she'd loved me so and so much more and ever.
The truth was told and I maintain, the more that she would worry,
the more the curve for me to grasp and navigate by sail.
The more there was to wrap around and sink into and feel,
all the good and for the best for he, like me, who digs it.

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