illusion

ThoughtShock: A Manifesto Chapter 16

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ThoughtShock

Chapter Sixteen
'As The Echo Fades'
Part; 1

“It's the bittersweet taste of defeat”

She gracefully walked towards me after entering into the room. She came bearing gifts. It was a peace offering from the fallout from the night before. She offered up a cocktail of tasty treats for me to take my pick from. Setting it before me, the china tray used to carry the rainbow platter. I swear it must have came straight from 'George Jung's' own private stash. She smiled coyly at me as she straightened her posture. Lust's eyes trailed up and down my body as I sat back in the chair. “If I had not known any better.” I thought as I glanced around the room catching a glimpse of Lust's little sister, Desire giving me a rather creepy wink.

As if this whole entire experience could not get any more strange. In walks Sin. Slowly he makes his way to the table taking a seat straight across from me. I am at a loss for words, my mind spinning with disbelief, unable to formulate a single coherent thought. Now sitting before me, like staring into a mirror was the very reflection of myself. He began to pick at the China tray sitting on the table. Sorting, separating, the goodies. It was a bad acid trip, yet I am the only one here who has not been taking from the candy jar. “How” would be the last rational thought to cross my mind this night.

My doppelganger looked up from the tray and in short simple words. 'Are you ready?' Identical to my own voice. All I could do to respond was slowly nod my head up and down. That is when he reached out towards me and in his fingers rested a small neon green capsule.
“Was I dead already?” As I took the pill from my clone before me. Once it was in my possession, Sin stood to his feet. Clapping his hands together, without warning causing me to jump in my seat.

I held the pill gently between my thumb and forefinger. Unsure of which bothered me the most, this strange cocktail in my hand or the fact I was seeing myself in a third person. “Had I lost my mind already?” I watched as Sin walked towards the women, leaning down to whisper into both Lust and Desire as they each started grinning.
“What the hell”. Was the thought to cross my mind as I chugged the neon green capsule down my gullet. 'We play the role of the fool' The affects were almost instant. My eye lids grew heavy, struggling to keep them open, to remain focused. It was then that I saw it {that void beyond my own eyes}.

I stirred about under the warm covers as sweat beaded down my face. The sheets were soaked as I shot up awake in a violent burst. As my eyes began to focus it was then that I had noticed Desire sitting on the edge of the bed. She was quiet, and she was ever so beautiful. It was that 'elusive' beauty she masterfully obtained. That dream you can feel only just cannot reach for, with a hint of innocents behind those cruel eyes.
“What had I taken”? I managed to choke out from the desert that was my mouth. Before she could reply the door of the bedroom bursts open as Lust storms in. Fury behind her eyes as she snatched up Desire from the bed. Jumping to my feet, I was quickly stopped by my doppelganger who happened to enter into the room behind Lust. Only since being this close I managed to make out a few differences. His face was aged far more than my own. The life or hope in my reflection's eyes was almost gone, a fading gleam. Was this me? Was this to be me? No rational thought could cross my mind.

Just as I was about to confront this 'Sin', the lights in the room flickered for a moment, seconds later they went out completely. It was then that I heard a strange voice whispering in my ear yet nobody was close enough to me, I felt no breath on my neck, no body close to my own. Just the whispers as I could not even make out what it was even saying. As the door opened once more revealing a little light, I followed as Sin, Lust, and Desire made their way out of the room, holding my head.


“I am not insane.”
“I am not insane.”
“I am not insane.”

“I am losing my fucking mind”.
Once out in the hallway, I quickly dashed for the emergency stairs and it happened just as I heard the girls call out my name. My footing gave way, the step itself shifted. Congealed by my own contact. Tumbling down the massive steps as each one reconfigured itself as I landed onto it. Finally hitting a small landing way, sliding to the wall causing me to stop.
Lust and Desire quickly ran towards me, checking to make sure I was not seriously injured. I struggled to remain conscious as the pain in my head grew worse and worse. Looking around trying to focus. My eyes locked in the eyes of Desire and for a split second, I had felt a sense of sadness. I laid my head back down on the cold floor waiting for the darkness to come, to wash over me. Deep down I felt like I deserved to meet my reaper.


~*~

I have dreamed, I have manifested.

“One. Click, Click.
Two. Click, Click.
Three. Click, Click, Snap!”

I wont beg for your forgiveness.
On my knees, I must have asked for this.
My suicidal mission, becoming my final inscription.

“Four. Five. Six.
Just. One. More. Click.
Then my reaper will no longer wait,
my soul he will get to take.
Death fills the air this night,
Playing in the shadows
of what is wrong, what is right.”
~*~

I woke in a small room. Different then the last. The moldy wallpaper was torn in several places. Patched over holes as few candles illuminated the dark corners of the room. Lust looked up from her book as she lounged in a cheap foldout chair. She was wearing a see through purple gown, a tease for it revealed more for the imagination then anything.
She stretched in the chair as she closed her book laying it over her stomach. Watching as the hem of her gown rose slowly up her smooth legs. She spun in her chair facing me, putting her hand between her legs as the palm of her hand placed firmly on the seat of the chair. I quickly blinked and focused back towards her eyes as she was now grinning at me. “Whats the matter my dear?” her voice was seductive, she was preying on my weakness.

“Did you hear the whispers?” My voice was a bit shaky as I watched her slowly sway her legs from side to side. She stopped only long enough to give me a weird look. “Here, these will help you relax.” She had handed me two more of those neon green capsules. Reaching around to the other side of the chair she grabbed a water bottle. Also handing it to me.
“What are these?” I asked as I rolled one of the capsules between my finger and thumb. Lust quietly laughed to herself as she slowly stood to her feet. Leaning in she softly whispered into my ear, feeling her warm breath on my neck as she spoke. “It my love, is whatever you wish it to be.” With that she stood back up, turning towards the door she gracefully made her way to it swaying her hips in the process. She stopped when she had made it to the door “I will send Desire up in a little bit to check on you.” Her voice was calm, and soothing yet it felt like she was hiding something. Turning around she disappeared out the door closing it behind her. Then I heard it, the deadbolt latched form the other side.

I laid down in the old bed, with sheets that seemed to have not been used in years. As I took note of the room once more, I noticed old pictures hanging from the walls. Taking a deep breath and placed both capsules on my tongue, closing my mouth I quickly swallowed. It did not take long before my eyes started to feel heavy. My body becoming more and more relaxed, I started drifting in and out of sleep. I could remember hearing the latch on the door being unlocked.

I heard the creaking of the door as it opened and closed. Then once more it was locked. I could not muster up the desire to get up and see who it was. I remember hearing the soft footsteps as they got closer and closer to my bed. I could also remember the scent of distant roses, only I could not find motivation to turn my head. I just laid there as she slowly climbed into bed with me. When her skin made contact with mine, it sent an electrical shock through my entire system. She carefully straddled me as I felt her warm breath on my lips.
As I opened my eyes, Desire had placed her lips to mine as she kissed me deeply. Feeling her tongue dance about with my own. Her hands found their way to my head as she entangled her fingers within my hair. Slowly she lifted herself up only come back down grinding herself into me and every second that passed the more I could not fight her charms, her seduction. I gave in as I reached up for her. I was going to set claim to Desire.
In my distraction I was not aware that Lust was standing off in the shadows, watching and plotting. What plan was she conjuring up? I would never know, for my thoughts and intentions were lost to that of Sin's.

When I woke from my groggy state I was not even sure exactly what had happened. My clothes were thrown about the small room and on the pillow next to my head laid a black rose. Desire had left me that night. No words were ever exchanged, just that rose as the black petals spoke the story itself.
I made my way to the main living room. There was no one, just another trashed room. In the middle of the room sat the table and two chairs, on the table rested the china tray and on the tray was a gun along with an assortment of different types of pills.

Sitting down in one of the chairs, I slowly reached out and picked up the gun staring at the narcotics on the tray. “Go on.” I jumped, startled from the sudden voice. Sitting straight across from me was none other than Sin. He was smiling, more like a wicked grin as he spoke again “Pull the trigger” He reached over towards the tray picking up a pill, popping it into his mouth. Chewing it with a smug grin as he continued “Go on, we both know it's what you want.”
Without thinking I lifted the gun, pointed it directly at Sin and pulled the trigger. “As the echo fades, I am left just to decay.”

Author's Notes/Comments: 

ThoughtShock Chapter 16 "As the Echo Fades"

This is a Two part series, a creative short story based on a very sensitive topic for me. I have been battling a few addictions off and on for well over ten years and everytime I try and write about it or any "addiction" really for that matter weather it is just a poem or even a creative piece they all seem to fall short, I can never truly capture that muse and I fear I may never will for I find it extremly hard to glorify something so destructive. Anyway This is chapter 16, part two will be chapter 17 and I do hope you enjoy, please let me know what you think.

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ThoughtShock: A Manifesto Chapter 15

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ThoughtShock

Chapter Fifteen
'A Personal Conversation'

Matthew Wayne

By the grace of the divine. Felt deceived when I ran out of time. So much I wanted to say but kept it sealed and locked away. Who could I fool? The demons wanted out to play. I close my eyes and search for any reason why I should remain sane.
Fear rules over our minds controlling our hearts.
No longer do we trust our neighbors, brother or sister. Can no longer trust myself when deep down there brews something sinister. Locking ourselves behind closed doors to decay even faster. It is a choice to remain ignorant. A sense of security within that bliss. Waking from that dream into this nightmare with just one kiss, while you reach out for anyone who might be there. The illusion is fading does anyone even care? Trust is now a fable, a whisper across the table.

“Breaking the bread as piece by piece
gets passed down the line. Hungry mouths,
with all the starving faces
where the chaos brings in the tease.”

As is above, so it is below
now follow me as I know you are just a little slow.
What is out there, is also found within
and this ride is just about to begin.

The Dead Poet

Just how far are you willing to take this?
Destroying your soul, standing before your own abyss.
Simply close your eyes, now make your wish.

“In this illusion is there really such a thing as luck?”

In the war zone I shall die,
glory to be had on the battlefield as I fall
there is power in truth, victory over the lie.
A child once in fear, now we all stand tall.

Damien Nosferatu

You are caught within a web built from their lies. It is the circle of life as you struggle just to survive but everything eventually dies. We are creatures of habit where we allow our emotions to run rabid. We are a disease as we spread, devouring everything that is in eye sight. As this theater of life plays on in our head. We suffer with your ignorance to the plight where you gave up before the war started. Shit got hard so you simply departed. Afraid and unsure, so now the whole experience is nothing but a blur.

“Walking this dream as you wake to its lies.
Dare not speak out for fear of the reprise.
Are we dead, or are we alive?
Could it be an illusion all in my head?”

“The dead will tell no tales.
Written in blood, it will be our journey through the nine hells.
The past it will be our future, the future is our past
it seems to be a concept no one can grasp.”

The Dead Poet

“Where am I to go from here?
Where I no longer recognize my own reflection in the mirror.”

I find myself often repeating the same mistakes over and over again, as if I had forgotten the lesson. The same trials will soon begin. I will fight against the current, my goal will be to survive the irony. To numb the pain and to be free. Once more within the throws of addiction. Drawn to this vice for a reason. I search for an escape from this vary reality that you help manifest, that you create. Slowly over time it transforms into a security line. Days and weeks blend merging as one. The world I had built around myself begins to melt. The deed has been done. I will slowly wake to a world that no longer feels real. I bartered with the devil and signed the deal.

Damien Nosferatu

“shhhhhh.......
I have a secret to share,
it is not a pretty white lie,
it will make your faith run dry.
For I wanna die like Jesus Christ.
Be the martyr for your ultimate heist.”

I have witnessed hell with my own eye.
I have sat alone in the dark wishing to die.
I have whispered a forgotten name.
I have even played this forsaken game.

Pounding my fists against my skull.
Russian roulette with my own soul.
The devil said I could not be saved,
reserved me a seat in hell next to the depraved.
This is my reality, not just any illusion
questioning my sanity, by the barrel of this gun.
Question everything, for I speak in tongues.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

While writing up this chapter and the chapter before this, the odd thought had crossed my mind. ThoughtShock for the title of this book is perfect, for people only "Thought" I was crazy and insane. Bwhahahahahaha I do hope you enjoy this creative piece.

Okay a little history about this piece..
"Damien Nosferatu" and "The Dead Poet" are names I've pinned to two different creative styles I tap into. My "voice" as it were. So I just call them basicly my different writing personalities. One night I thought how 'odd' it would be if these personas had a conversation per say. How strange would a piece be if I could compile a readable piece from these two styles, I can see the difference however curiosity has me wondering if anyone else can see a difference in the personas. I am also thinking of doing another project like this again, it was quite fun.

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Untitled

Dreams, they pass by, they fly by;
In a moment, flash, boom and then they're gone;
Sufferin, in those moments of pure brilliance
knowing that they're only temporary
and even with twenty-twenty, you look back, fact check,
still it's all just a blurry mess
of puzzle pieces, little teases
of what you once were...

I'm not what I thought I was;
I'm not what I'm supposed to be;
I'm not who you think I am
I'm not where I should be.
What am I?
Who is in this mirror I see.

It's like you're running in the dark
stark naked though an onslaught
of freezing rain, with that creeping pain, only to become numb
to your situation; jubilation as you feel this warmth,
even hot with anticipation, but it's not real, not this, this feeling, not now, not real, (not real) or is it...

I'm not what I thought I was;
I'm not what I'm supposed to be;
I'm not who you think I am
I'm not where I should be.
Is any of this really real?
For real, who is in this mirror I see.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

not a final work, but needed to be posted.

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Tomb

A fury boils inside, not able to retain
Lashed with inhibition, tied with chains
A passion it may be, or the pain of a thousand cries
Lost in the depths of, the most ruthless lies

A rage storms around, my world falls astray
Cast into the realm of, each and every day
A reminder it may be, to the truth inside
The one that is lost, in a monstrous tide

A darkness sweeps along, take with it my smile
Such gloom it has brought, for quite a while
A hoax it may be, some sort of twisted light
Some kind of blissful misery, or some fortunate plight

A trembling overtakes and shatters, what’s left of my pride
Eliminating all hope, in each and every stride
A calling it may be, to the ascension of my will
With the beauty of illumination, my eyes are filled

A love enflames and kindles, the ruins of my soul
Burning with the heat, of the richest charcoal
A redemption it is, from the blight which consumes
Released from the idleness, of this once filled tomb

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Trade

What to live for, when your heart just dies
Bearing through empty hours, and painful sighs
Feeling things that bleed underneath
Gripping on to your fists, grinding your teeth

What to breath, when absent is your will to live
When nothing satisfies, and have nothing to give
When you just sink deeper, as thoughts turn vague
And you yelp for life, as you endure the plague

How to see, when lies exist in all forms
When chaos spreads, and rage storms
When doubts prevail, and simplicity fades
When truth and light, with illusions trade

The Illusionist

Folder: 
Love

Come to me, watch my eyes
Come catch a glimpse of paradise
Watch my smile while I cry
Show my life as I die
See my light! Is truly dark
See my magic, only farce
The door which leads you to my heart
Is really a wall, protect my heart
Yes I smile, but you can't see
The pain and tears inside of me
The magic I show you to make you smile
With a broken heart all the while
I live and love to make you glad
All the while to miss what I had
This my job, I won't let you see
So that you won't cry for me
Magic I claim, magic I know
All an illusion, only a show
But soon you will leave, a smile on your face
And that smile will be my redeeming grace.

My Dream within a dream

"Do you know how to dream? I do not mean to want, or to lust for desire. Yet to truly dream, allowing your mind to take you places you had never known to exsist. Letting go of the ego that is your basic personality. Where reality is but just an Illusion, This body you see before you is but just a dream. The ego hides our soul, pure energy on the truest scale. To me this is the dream within a dream."

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Just a lil quote that popped into my head.

ThoughtShock: A Manifesto Chapter 5

Folder: 
ThoughtShock

Chapter Five
'The Ride With the devil on my mind'

“Quivering in that corner,
those twisted thoughts.
A cannibalistic carnivore,
A delicacy when the flesh rots.”

I sometimes want to go to sleep and not wake up. As if already the burden of tomorrow seems too much. I know that must look selfish, when all I wish for is rest, peace of mind. I was not born into the upper class of society, was not gifted with athletic prowess, and I could not even finish public schooling.
I find that in the hours I've come to know as my Insomnia, laying down for the night and actually falling asleep. They have become the hours I find myself most at peace, The buzzing of ideas. Observations made throughout the day and dreams or goals, wishes and wants. Yet I know when I close my eyes and find sleep, the chaos of tomorrow creeps around the corner.

There are times in this life, moments that can bring you to the edge. Staring into the gaping void of your own soul. Confronted with your own demons, preaching their gospel. The devil in the mirror. The worst part of themselves drawn out for them to witness. Many would chose to ignore their problems, living their lives in a stagnate ignorant bliss.

Those who do seek to change, often find themselves fighting a losing battle, for when support becomes the only weapon against the addiction is there any shame in self denial? Excuses given reason to stand on merit alone does not forgive ones denial for the potential of enlightenment, perfection not found with God, but within God.
Good and bad become irrelevant for the struggle of one's soul, The true war is found within, as evil exists in us all as does the opposite. Divinity becomes our road just as our life and actions here become our legacy when we are gone.

'It becomes a shock straight to your heart
Am I alive or am I walking with the dead?
Zombies dancing to the thriller,
waiting in line for their killer
as time dissipates like liquid sand
memories like cheap thrills, on demand.'

I have often sat for hours, and wondered. Questioned what a persons worth truly was. Whatever reasons to why we are here, and who we are. Alive or dead, a thought or memory. The meaning of life, to live. Breathing day after day and realizing that each day in itself is a testimony to your legacy of being alive. A child that faces death does not worry about who will win what tournament. Each day becomes a treasure to hold even if it happens to be your worst. As a memory can become your greatest weapon against any strife. For when life becomes cold and ugly and beats you down, a simple memory can inspire you to stand, can help you overcome. Our minds are powerful and driven by our consciousness, that spark of life within us.

What if life were just a dream, and that when you die you simply awoke from a coma, all the dogmas were wrong. Everything you knew to be true was a lie. Heaven and Hell were just vices for control and blasphemy. Good and bad simply a creation of man's mind. No emotions for that was only a gift of a chemical chain. What if a thought became more than a memory. Transforming beyond desire or want. What if reality was just an illusion that we all create?

Rats in a Maze

We are rats running around in a fancy cage,
what if it were all just a simple illusion
The iron bars, the stone walls
if you saw the world through another's eyes
a reality experience so estrange to your own
and a life you once knew was only a dream.

Space becomes a vacuum for your soul
and your once proud legacy becomes void
In the darkness that is our abyss
Love can become hate,
and the experience is just as cheaper
as we all walk along side the reaper.

Looking past the mirror, the looking glass
a reflection so grotesque, a monster in a suit
eyes of gold, and smile with a rose.
Its the devil with no soul.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Well the formatting is different than in my hardcopy, but yeah I'm actually pleased with this one hope you enjoy it.

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Phoenix Tears

Let her dream
Of flying,
Let her soar through the sky.
Crimson feathers
Brush the clouds,
And paint them
A delicate pink.

Let the fire
Give her life,
Let the wind
Carry her soul.
But one day she must wake up,
For a bird may never fly
With broken wings.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Comments appreciated. :)