“I had a child just like you”
She said to me that day
Waiting in the hospital
On my knees to pray
She didn't know who I was
Her mind just couldn't see
That I knew who she talked about
The child was truly me.
We'd had this converse once before
And many before that
The degradation of her mind
Was obvious, as she sat
And prattled on about her son
How happy he will be
With her family when she comes home
And I had to agree
She never found her memories
Or recognized my face
After everything she went through
She's in a better place
Where memories last forever
And can't be lost to time
Where human bodies don't break down
Always in their prime
Many years have come and gone
I can't recall them all
It's not like I haven't tried
But the thoughts just have a pall
I try to stare back to the past
Peer directly through the grime
Just like a fog covered my eyes
It's hard to see through mists of time
I woke up,
In the mirror I had my closeup.
There was a hole in my throat,
Fastly I slipped into my coat.
I went to the hospital,
I was worried I recall.
I gave the fault to Abra,
Who was able to the macabre.
don’t understand me
no numeral of quantity
preacher lady looking
at accusations in a book
saying infinity is proof
of a mathematical sacrifice
that saved humanity
if only we could get back
to three and then zero
says quantum physics
is why we have clocks
and space shuttles
slipping through cracks
in the fabrics of blankets
claims blankets are white
masses, says I’m mass
the tree is mass, birds
are mass and a mass
is a spot that breaks
into a speck so small
my car is invisible to god
claims i don’t pray right
because i do it with my
hands and my speech
is imperfect, can’t talk
to god with a slur or slang
says i need to be prized
and perfect like a precious
moment figurine, demands
i stop calling him home boy
he’s not your boy, throws
a piece paper at me with
nothing on it but a squiggle
in the middle of a circle,
claims it represent life
and who i used to be
when i had a brain
and understood counting
was invented for more
than money, need to crunch
the numbers to understand
my sister is the same as me
though she died in a hospital,
tells me i’m better than nobody
but I act like a stranger hiding
my divinity code under a hat
There was snow
and ECTs
and the locked doors
of the locked ward
and Yiska was sitting
by the window
looking at the sunrise
after an almost
sleepless night
looks deep
I said
looking out
at the snow
on the trees and fields
she gazed at me
can't you sleep either?
bits and pieces of sleep
snatches of dreams
or nightmares
I said
I heard you
with that night nurse
during the night
Yiska said
asking her about
going home
you were awake too?
yes I got up for a while
and stared at the snow
coming down
against the moon's light
it looked so peaceful
so surreal
being stuck in here
seems surreal
I said
we'll get out one day
she said
walk out
into the free air
and no quacks or nurses
snooping over you
and no more ECTs
no more darn headaches
and all because
that bastard left me
at the altar
on my wedding day
I looked at her
sitting there
her hair unbrushed
her eyes red
her dressing gown
loose and pulled over
her white legs
gives you time to think
of things you don't want
to think about
and the ECTs
don't help
despite
what they claim
I said
when I woke up that time
after one
of my ECT sessions
my head was heavy with pain
and I saw you
lying on the bed
next to mine
and thought momentarily
we were dead
and I’d woken
in some kind of Limbo
with that white light
coming through cracks
in the shutters
then you woke
and we stared at each other
and never spoke.
I waked up,
In the mirror I had my closeup.
There was a hole in my throat,
Fastly I slipped into my coat.
I went to the hospital,
I was worried I recall.
I gave the fault to Abra,
Who was able to the macabre.
Sunny day
that hospital
visiting day
she outside
in a chair
smoking a cigarette
I sat in a chair
next to her
wouldn't
let me out
she said
wanted to meet you
in London
but the docs
put their spoke
in the wheel
and the parents
are none too happy
about it
means
they have
to visit me
rather than I
go to them
I said nothing
let her speak on
get it out
of her system
she had this
dressing gown on
her hair tied back
in an untidy bun
bright red slippers
on her feet
if I didn't have
these cigarettes
I’d go completely
over the wall
with the other
fruit cakes in here
she said
they said
you were here
at the hall
I said
I went there first
Warwick said
you were here
bought you these
and I gave her
a pack of smokes
and a small box
of chocolates
she took the gifts
with her free hand
and placed them
beside her
on the grass
God you are good
to me
if we were in the City
I’d repay you
she said
no need
I said
given out of love
not lust
she smiled
guess so
she said
they keep
that small cupboard
locked now
she said
after that time
we had it off
in there
she said
I looked back
towards
the hospital ward
a few yards away
too small anyway
I said
she inhaled slow
on the cigarette
her eyes half closing
due to the smoke
do you really get
that church
tambourine
banging thing?
she asked
the essence yes
I said
not necessarily
the trappings
she stared at me
her free hand
in her lap
the other holding
the cigarette
to one side
I suppose people
need to believe
something
in this darn circus
of a world
she said
guess so
I said
she looked down
towards the road
some fifty yards away
where traffic
moved slowly by
and as she moved
she crossed her legs
a glimpse of thigh
caught my weary eye.
I developed an ileus from being constipated.
This isn't something that's being exaggerated.
It's a blockage of the intestines, that's something I soon realized.
For a week and a half, my illness caused me to be hospitalized.
I was admitted at Morristown Hamblen Healthcare.
The ileus caused me to be hospitalized there.
The hospital was located in Morristown, Tennessee.
I couldn't eat or drink, I was connected to an I.V.
What happened to me can cause quite a scare.
I was treated well while I was hospitalized there.
It was over a week before I was put on solid foods.
I couldn't eat or drink, it put me in quite a bad mood.
Going to that hospital turned out to be a good decision.
While I was there, I mostly watched television.
After being treated with medication, my ileus ceased.
After ten days, I was better and I was released.
The medication I received drastically improved my digestive flow.
If you become ill, Morristown Hamblen Healthcare is an excellent hospital to go.
In dark dreams
I walk again
those empty
hospital corridors
with their dull lights
and smell of disinfect
and death
in those dreams
I look for you again
my son
passing by
the blanks faces
of others
looking at
their eyes
for glimpses of life
or concern
or such
as humans
sometimes have
I go by
room after room
pass porters
pushing
the occasional trolley
by the various
side wards
passing by
the bright lights
of hospital shops
in the dream
I am hoping
to find you once more
sitting there
on the bed
your back turned
your head lowered
but this time
I am hoping
for a healthier you
my son
not one so ill
so lost
in this dream
sunlight shines
through the window
of the small ward
a bird sings
not that dull curtain
the murmur
of voices
the usual limbo like
air about the place
this time my son
I wish to find you well
looking at me
with your own
familiar smile
not that haunted
expression
and tired eyes
that draw from me
a steam
of deep felt cries.
When Christine heard
that he'd tried
to hang himself
in the men's crapper
desperation bells
began to ring
inside her head
then she saw him
on the locked ward
sans laces
or belts
or anything
he may use
to repeat
the performance
and he sat
in the big chair
his eyes dull
and his hair untidy
and with that loose hanging
dressing gown
minus belt
and in pyjamas
like some
Auschwitz guy
and she said
what the fuck
you in here for?
sitting in the armchair
next to him
broken heart
broken love
lost love
soul crashing
through all gears
to get back
to base
who knows?
he said
like that huh?
join the club
for what it's worth
we're all fucked up here
like driftwood
on a lonely beach
on some deserted island
she said
he gazed at her
disinterestedly
as if a gnat
had landed
on his hand
they lock
the doors here?
sure do
all the time
what about visitors?
once a week
Sundays
he looked at her
at her dark
long straggly hair
her dull eyes
why you here?
he said
some fuck
left me
at the altar
all dressed up
like some nun
in white
she said
he must have been
mad to have left you
anywhere
he said
well he must be
because he did
opposite
an Indian woman
sat crossed legged
picking
at her toes
a red spot
on her forehead
dressed
in long gowns
of bright colours
a plump woman
walked by smoking
eyeing them
suspiciously
foul mouthing
the nurse going by
so how long
you been here?
he asked
week or so
how long you staying?
until they say
I can leave
when will that be?
when they think
I’m better
or cured
or able to be
balanced again
when will that be?
how the fuck
do I know
she said
sorry
about the language
anger gets
to my tongue
before I do
you're not going
to hang yourself
again are you?
she asked
don't know
who I am any more
don't know jackshit
about myself
whoever myself is
she nodded
looked at his
handed in slippers
the scar
on his left wrist
not your first time then?
she said
touching the scar
guess not
he said
welcome to Purgatory
she said
he sensed her finger
on his scar
the female touch
he wanted something
whatever it was
something
to hold on to
O
so very much.