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“I had a child just like you”

She said to me that day

Waiting in the hospital

On my knees to pray

She didn't know who I was

Her mind just couldn't see

That I knew who she talked about

The child was truly me.

We'd had this converse once before

And many before that

The degradation of her mind

Was obvious, as she sat

And prattled on about her son

How happy he will be

With her family when she comes home

And I had to agree

She never found her memories

Or recognized my face

After everything she went through

She's in a better place

Where memories last forever

And can't be lost to time

Where human bodies don't break down

Always in their prime

Many years have come and gone

I can't recall them all

It's not like I haven't tried

But the thoughts just have a pall

I try to stare back to the past

Peer directly through the grime

Just like a fog covered my eyes

It's hard to see through mists of time

I woke up,

In the mirror I had my closeup.

There was a hole in my throat,

Fastly I slipped into my coat.

I went to the hospital,

I was worried I recall.

I gave the fault to Abra,

Who was able to the macabre.

don’t understand me
no numeral of quantity
preacher lady looking
at accusations in a book
saying infinity is proof
of a mathematical sacrifice
that saved humanity
if only we could get back
to three and then zero
says quantum physics
is why we have clocks
and space shuttles
slipping through cracks
in the fabrics of blankets
claims blankets are white
masses, says I’m mass
the tree is mass, birds
are mass and a mass
is a spot that breaks
into a speck so small
my car is invisible to god
claims i don’t pray right
because i do it with my
hands and my speech
is imperfect, can’t talk
to god with a slur or slang
says i need to be prized
and perfect like a precious
moment figurine, demands
i stop calling him home boy
he’s not your boy, throws
a piece paper at me with
nothing on it but a squiggle
in the middle of a circle,
claims it represent life
and who i used to be
when i had a brain
and understood counting
was invented for more
than money, need to crunch
the numbers to understand
my sister is the same as me
though she died in a hospital,
tells me i’m better than nobody
but I act like a stranger hiding
my divinity code under a hat

There was snow
and ECTs
and the locked doors
of the locked ward

and Yiska was sitting
by the window
looking at the sunrise
after an almost

sleepless night
looks deep
I said
looking out

at the snow
on the trees and fields
she gazed at me
can't you sleep either?

bits and pieces of sleep
snatches of dreams
or nightmares
I said

I heard you
with that night nurse
during the night
Yiska said

asking her about
going home
you were awake too?
yes I got up for a while

and stared at the snow
coming down
against the moon's light
it looked so peaceful

so surreal
being stuck in here
seems surreal
I said

we'll get out one day
she said
walk out
into the free air

and no quacks or nurses
snooping over you
and no more ECTs
no more darn headaches

and all because
that bastard left me
at the altar
on my wedding day

I looked at her
sitting there
her hair unbrushed
her eyes red

her dressing gown
loose and pulled over
her white legs
gives you time to think

of things you don't want
to think about
and the ECTs
don't help

despite
what they claim
I said
when I woke up that time

after one
of my ECT sessions
my head was heavy with pain
and I saw you

lying on the bed
next to mine
and thought momentarily
we were dead

and I’d woken
in some kind of Limbo
with that white light
coming through cracks

in the shutters
then you woke
and we stared at each other
and never spoke.

I waked up,

In the mirror I had my closeup.

There was a hole in my throat,

Fastly I slipped into my coat.

I went to the hospital,

I was worried I recall.

I gave the fault to Abra,

Who was able to the macabre.

Sunny day
that hospital
visiting day
she outside

in a chair
smoking a cigarette
I sat  in a chair
next to her

wouldn't
let me out
she said
wanted to meet you

in London
but the docs
put their spoke
in the wheel

and the parents
are none too happy
about it
means

they have
to visit me
rather than I
go to them

I said nothing
let her speak on
get it out
of her system

she had this
dressing gown on
her hair tied back
in an untidy bun

bright red slippers
on her feet
if I didn't have
these cigarettes

I’d go completely
over the wall
with the other
fruit cakes in here

she said
they said
you were here
at the hall

I said
I went there first
Warwick said
you were here

bought you these
and I gave her
a pack of smokes
and a small box

of chocolates
she took the gifts
with her free hand
and placed them

beside her
on the grass
God you are good
to me

if we were in the City
I’d repay you
she said
no need

I said
given out of love
not lust
she smiled

guess so

she said
they keep
that small cupboard

locked now
she said
after that time
we had it off

in there
she said
I looked back
towards

the hospital ward
a few yards away
too small anyway
I said

she inhaled slow
on the cigarette
her eyes half closing
due to the smoke

do you really get
that church
tambourine
banging thing?

she asked
the essence yes
I said
not necessarily

the trappings
she stared at me
her free hand
in her lap

the other holding
the cigarette
to one side
I suppose people

need to believe
something
in this darn circus
of a world

she said
guess so
I said
she looked down

towards the road
some fifty yards away
where traffic
moved slowly by

and as she moved
she crossed her legs
a glimpse of thigh
caught my weary eye.

I developed an ileus from being constipated.

This isn't something that's being exaggerated.

It's a blockage of the intestines, that's something I soon realized.

For a week and a half, my illness caused me to be hospitalized.

I was admitted at Morristown Hamblen Healthcare.

The ileus caused me to be hospitalized there.

The hospital was located in Morristown, Tennessee.

I couldn't eat or drink, I was connected to an I.V.

What happened to me can cause quite a scare.

I was treated well while I was hospitalized there.

It was over a week before I was put on solid foods.

I couldn't eat or drink, it put me in quite a bad mood.

Going to that hospital turned out to be a good decision.

While I was there, I mostly watched television.

After being treated with medication, my ileus ceased.

After ten days, I was better and I was released.

The medication I received drastically improved my digestive flow.

If you become ill, Morristown Hamblen Healthcare is an excellent hospital to go.

When Christine heard
that he'd tried
to hang himself
in the men's crapper

desperation bells
began to ring
inside her head
then she saw him

on the locked ward
sans laces
or belts
or anything

he may use
to repeat
the performance
and he sat

in the big chair
his eyes dull
and his hair untidy
and with that loose hanging

dressing gown
minus belt
and in pyjamas
like some

Auschwitz guy
and she said
what the fuck
you in here for?

sitting in the armchair
next to him
broken heart
broken love

lost love
soul crashing
through all gears
to get back

to base
who knows?
he said
like that huh?

join the club
for what it's worth
we're all fucked up here
like driftwood

on a lonely beach
on some deserted island
she said
he gazed at her

disinterestedly
as if a gnat
had landed
on his hand

they lock
the doors here?
sure do
all the time

what about visitors?
once a week
Sundays
he looked at her

at her dark
long straggly hair
her dull eyes
why you here?

he said
some fuck
left me
at the altar

all dressed up
like some nun
in white
she said

he must have been
mad to have left you
anywhere
he said

well he must be
because he did
opposite
an Indian woman

sat crossed legged
picking
at her toes
a red spot

on her forehead
dressed
in long gowns
of bright colours

a plump woman
walked by smoking
eyeing them
suspiciously

foul mouthing
the nurse going by
so how long
you been here?

he asked
week or so
how long you staying?
until they say

I can leave
when will that be?
when they think
I’m better

or cured
or able to be
balanced again
when will that be?

how the fuck
do I know
she said
sorry

about the language
anger gets
to my tongue
before I do

you're not going
to hang yourself
again are you?
she asked

don't know
who I am any more
don't know jackshit
about myself

whoever myself is
she nodded
looked at his
handed in slippers

the scar
on his left wrist
not your first time then?
she said

touching the scar
guess not  
he said
welcome to Purgatory

she said
he sensed her finger
on his scar
the female touch

he wanted something
whatever it was
something
to hold on to

O
so very much.