I Sued Because I Couldn't Be A Nun

Everybody is shocked by my lawsuit and because I won.

I sued a Convent because they wouldn't let me be a Nun.

They said that I couldn't be a Nun because I'm a man.

I kept begging to be a Nun so much that I was Banned.

When they rejected me, it really hurt my feelings and one of my problems is my vanity.

A Funny Farm put me in a straight jacket because they said that I suffer from insanity.

I was told that I can only be a Priest or a Monk.

It was sexual discrimination and it really stunk.

I'll be wealthy when the Convent pays me.

Why does everybody keep calling me crazy?

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This is a fictional poem.

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The Flying Nun Flies No More

Last week was the Flying Nun's last flight.

Last week she flew to an amazing height.

She flew into outer space and collided with the Sun.

It was the worst case of sunburn, she was well done.

She only weighed 90 pounds and she could fly because she was so thin.

But when we look up in the sky, we won't see Sister Bertrille ever again.

If she had survived, she would've screamed "Ouch!" because she would've been so sore.

The Flying Nun flew but she flies no more.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This poem is a parody of the TV show.

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See my bridegroom comes,
said Sister Clare, He comes
swift as birds of Spring, His
voice echoes within, His


touch wakes me from deep
slumber, unfetters me from
my sad sins; His eyes watch
me, they run over me like


flowing water, look into my
soul like dawn's light; He is
my keeper, my protector, His
hand caresses me in my deepest


darkness, His fingers raise
my chin, lift my head, His
fingers touch my heart, wake
me from my selfness, my


obsession with my me; He
comes into my heart, He is
the kisser of life, the waker
of sleepers in the grave; I


wait for Him in the night
when the darkness embraces,
seek His company when
demons touch and fondle;


He is my bridegroom, my
love, I seek Him out like
one for water as I thirst,
I listen for his footsteps in


the break of dawn, I kiss
Him as one kisses one's
deepest love, I am only
happy when He is near,


when His voice awakes
me. He is my safe ship
out in the dark deep sea.


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Anne crutches herself into Sister Paul's office. The nun is sitting in a chair behind a desk, hands folded on the table, eyes stern, lips a straight line. Anne stands before the desk, taking in the huge crucifix on the wall above the nun's head.

- You can sit down, Anne, the nun says, eyeing her firmly, watching the 12 year old girl, as she manoeuvres herself with one crutch onto the chair.

Anne sits down and puts the crutch beside the chair and pulls her red skirt over her knees, covering the stump where her leg had been.

- Do you know why you're here? Sister Paul asks, unfolding her hands, and laying them flat on the desk top.
- No, Anne says, looking at the nun's black and white headdress, the thin features of the face, hawk-like nose.

-There has been complaints made about you, the nun says. She watches as the girl fidgets in the chair, lifts herself with her hands, back further, on the chair. - Are you not comfortable? She asks.

- No, Anne says, My knickers are too tight.

The nun sighs, looks at the wooden ruler on her desk, wishes she could, but knows she can't.
-  Complaints made by other children here and staff members, the nun says, toying with the ruler with her fingers.

-What sort of complaints? Anne asks.

-The worse sort: bad language, insolence, rudeness. It has to stop, Anne, do you understand? The voice sounded like grit poured into a bucket.

Anne fingered at her backside. -Ah, that's better, sorted it out now, she says, putting her hands together in her lap. - I can't recall any rudeness, she says, acting miss innocence, butter wouldn't melt in her mouth, kind of expression and pose.

The nun looks at the girl and inwardly is glad she never married and had children, especially if one had been like this.

- Sister Bridget says you called her a dried up prune, the nun says, looking at the dark hair and eyes of the child, the insolent way she sits and looks.

Anne frowns.- Me? To Sister Bridget?

-Yes, to Sister Bridget, and Sister Mary says, you exposed your bottom to her when she asked you to take your afternoon sleep. The nun looks at the girl's expression, her frown of brow.

- No, not me, Sister Paul, must have been some other kid's backside she'd seen.

-Are you calling these two nuns, liars?

The girl looks at her hands in her lap, raises two fingers upwards, out of the nun's sight.- No, not liars, just mistaken. We all make mistakes, Anne says, we're all human, after all.

Sister Paul's eyes darken, she grips the ruler tighter, pushes her toes to the end of her sandals.

- And some of the children have made complaints, too, the nun says, the words hard as nails from her lips.

-Ah, you know what liars kids can be, Sister. They couldn't tell the truth if it came wrapped in yellow paper saying, TRUTH. She smiles at her wit.

Sister Paul doesn't smile; her lips tighten, her eyes scan the child, if the girl at been at one of the schools, rather than the nursing home, she'd be well on her way to a sound caning.

- I know children, Anne, and liars, the nun says, eyeing the girl firmly, tapping the ruler on her palm. - You are a liar, and I know you. I have read the reports on you before you came. I was reluctant to take you in, but had little choice. You will behave yourself or be expelled from the nursing home. Is that understood?

Anne senses a fart coming on, but holds it in. - Yes, Sister, sorry Sister. It's my leg you see, it gives me pain, and keeps me awake at nights, and I get tired and I get irritable. She puts on a hurt expression.

The nun sits upright and stiff, an expression of dislike etched on her features.

-We are given pain, by God, for a purpose, Sister Paul says, it is a gift we ought to shoulder and bear with gratitude.

-Like haemorrhoids, you mean? Anne says, fiddling with her fingers, a blank look on her face.

- You know what I mean, young lady, pain in general, not in particular. At that moment the nun feels a great urge to inflict pain on the girl sitting in front of her. She can picture it, the whole scene, the satisfaction.

Anne shifts in the chair, steadying herself. - Can I go now?

The nun sits back in the chair, eyes focusing on the girl, her face straight and stiff as a board.- Your  leg has been amputated, so how can it give you pain? the nun says, her words pushed from her mouth as if they were sour.

- Nerve endings, they don't realise the fucking legs gone, oops sorry, about that it kind of slipped out while I was engaged in thoughts, Anne says, looking at the nun's reddening face. - Didn't mean to, it's my leg you see, it gets me all uptight, and wound up like a clock, and then ping!  Out it comes.

The nun sighs deeply. The word hammers inside her ears and brain. - I won't have such language, do you hear me, not another rude word or expression.

Anne clenches, the cheeks of her buttocks tightly, to hold in the the coming wind. She nods, gives an expression of remorse, allows her eyes to water, takes out a handkerchief from her skirt pocket and wipes her nose. - Sorry about that, don't mean to be such a bad girl, my apologises to all. She wipes her eyes, lets herself go, does her acting bit, slumps her shoulders, weeps softly.

The nun is confused, sits up, feels an urge to go around to the girl and embrace her, say, there, there, dear child, but she doesn't, instead she stares at the girl, at the slumped shoulders, at the dark hair, the sight of neck, and wonders what kind of mother she would have made had she married, would she have coped with the nappies and sickness and foul smells and dressing and undressing a baby and the disturbed nights, and a man touching her, and doing things to her. No, she couldn't have married, nor had a child. She sighs and softens, -OK, Anne, lets say no more about it, and she gets out of the chair and walks around to the child weeping, in the chair, and puts an arm about her, feeling the shallow shakes, the sobs, the sight of the one leg, knowing a stump was beneath the skirt. - There, there, calm down, it is all too much for you after losing your leg, I'll have a word with the children and staff and explain about your pain. She holds the girl close to her breast, feeling her there, the catching of breath, the sobs, the shaking shoulders, and plants a kiss on the girl's black hair and head.

- Sorry, Sister Paul, Anne says, between her acted sobs, sniffing, wiping her nose, feeling the fart go away silently, like sneaky hound, all without sound.

The nun feels her heart open and close. - All right, Anne, you may go and rest your leg or stump, she says, going back to her chair and sitting there, watery eyed.

Anne lifts her head, pushes her hair from her eyes, sniffs and wipes her nose. -Thank you, Sister, you're like a mother to me. She pulls herself up from the chair with the crutch, feels the pain shoot through the stump, rubs it, pulls a face.  - I'll go and rest it, she says, soft voiced, sobs held in check, head lowered. She crutches herself from the room slowly, sensing the nun's eyes on her, feeling a sense of fulfilment, like passing an audition, and lets the door click gently behind her.

Sister Paul sits and fingers the ruler. Sniffs and coughs softly. Feeling the girl's shoulders in her hands, the gentlest of touches, the sense, momentarily, of being a mother, compassion, concern, yes, it is there, she says inwardly, maybe I might have made a good mother after all had it been God's wishes, even if I had to put up with a man's touch for the duration. Thank God,  she says softly inwardly, for my vocation .

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The Confessional

human beings

It's the first Thursday of the month, and I'm standing in line, waiting for the nun to walk us across the schoolyard over to the church to confession. I am in fouth grade.


Sister: "Where is your beanie?"

Me: "Sister, I forgot it."

(Truth is, sister, I can't remember any sins to tell the priest today).


Sister: "Well, go get one of the extras from the box in the coat room."

Me: "Yes, sister."

(And for sure it's going to be either huge or so small it will fall off my head).


We get to church and now we are lined up on either side against the walls of the building. The entire fourth grade, two classes, one class on one side and one class on the other side, waiting our turns to go into the 4x4 pitch black room, where we will tell the priest all of the sins we committed that month.


Of course we get scolded at least once by the nun for chit-chatting as we wait in line. The thought goes through our heads, "Now, is that a sin?"


It's my turn and I enter the small room and feel about for the wall so I can find the kneeler and wait for the priest to open his little 'window'. In the interim, I can hear his muffled voice talking to the child in the booth on the side opposite to where I am kneeling. I can not hear the words, only a muffled sound that causes me to feel a bit anxious, for what reason, I have no clue. The whole thing is very strange to me every time I used to go, and as the years pass by, I find it even more strange.


Finally, the window opens, and light from his small cubicle where he sits shines into the small area where I have been waiting. Thinking about that alone, now an adult, explains the power they have over people for many years.


Priest: "Yes, child."

(Oh, thank God---I was wondering what in the hell that kid must have done. It was taking you forever, father.)


Me: "Bless me, father, for I have sinned, it has been one month since my last confession. These are my sins:...."

(Oh sh*t, this is the part I hate. What in the hell am I supposed to say? I don't mean to sound full of myself, but Jesus Christ!! I haven't done anything wrong this month!)


Priest: "Yes, child, you can speak---tell me your sins."


Me: "Um, I took the Lord's name in vain, father---well, not exactly but I thought the Lord's name in vain."

(Yea, just a minute ago--it's your fault too, for making me so damn nervous).


Priest: "Yes, child, that is a sin. What else?"

(Oh, man.... I better think of something fast.)


Me: "I told a lie, father,"

(Just now... f*ck!)


Priest: Yes, lying is not what Jesus wants for you, child. Who did you lie to? Your mother? Your father?

(Whew!! Thanks for saving me on that one, father!)


Me: "My father, but I also cursed someone---well, it was in my mind, father---I didn't really say it."

(*Sinister grin* Ok...I got this


Priest: "What was the curse word, child?"

(OMG, how embarrassing. Now I have to say the f bomb to a priest.)


Me: "Well, father, it was the word .... um...F*CK."

(Oh SH*T!!! I can't believe this! He is making a sinner out of me, and I was pure and holy when I walked in this room today!! God dam* this SOB!)


Priest: "Child! Where did you learn this word? Do you know what this word means?"

(Oh no. Now we have to have an interrogation because i'm trying to be honest with this way. I 'm not goin' here with him).


Me: "I forget where I learned it, father,  I forget what it means. I heard it from an eighth grader waiting for the bus."

(Blame everything on the eighth graders when you're a fourth grader---it works! Now I'm really going to hell, cause that was a big fat lie, but holy sh*t--I can't talk to him about this stuff. The whole building could crumble!! Not only that, he's making this worse and worse, and I'm afraid of the dark to begin with.)


Priest: "Is that all child?"

(Is that ALL? You made a freakin' mountain out of molehill, dude!!)


Me: "Yes father. Well, give or take a couple more curse words."


Priest : "Ok child." (*mumbles some mumbo jumbo for about a 2 minutes while I sit humbly awaiting his absolution*) "For your pennance, you must say 3 Hail Marys and 4 Our Fathers---and God Bless you".

(At least he could have some suckers or a free movie ticket or something---that's all I get?)


I leave the confessional and go kneel up at the altar of the church to say my pennance, and while I do all the kids get scolded a few more times for chit-chatting, as we are comparing pennances....of which most often, everyone's is the same thing. 


I don't know how I ever made it to where I am today in my spirituality, but apparently, overall, it must have done something good for me. Just very funny to think back on.




12:22 AM 6/30/2013 ©


Author's Notes/Comments: 

Catholic Confession in the 60s and 70s

Sister Spanky

There once was a nun from Burbank,
Little children she loved but she spanked,
One day she gave welts,
To the kids with her belts,
Then she wound up in prison, shanked.


Copyright 2013

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Silly limerick