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When I say it 

I don’t mean it

It makes me sad

That I don’t feel it

You break my walls

with just one look

But it’s not enough

There’s still a void

I’m saying I Love You

Without being completely sure

1.

I couldn’t make my bedroom church

reading psalms and Lord’s prayers

the light of my lamp and

the portion of my cup couldn’t

lift my soul mired in passions

and silence of the morning

the confessions couldn’t remove

my anguish of ages

nor the tears and cries strengthen

faith  hope  and love – the rock

slips the grip for enemies

within don’t halt my body

glues to the ground seeking

darkness of the womb and joys

ever restless the child doesn’t

grow  and the father  fails

in verses I can’t hide fears

my face I despise, can’t find

freedom from the chemicals

sprayed in the air and the smog

oppressing my breath, the sun

fails to keep the covenant

You have no idea

How much impact has added to my life

When you came, it was different.

But something was lacking,

Is it you? Is it me?

Various feelings are thrown.

Something feels unusual when we talk

Probably pressured is the word,

As I never want the conversation to end.

Time passes by, things change;

And you confessed

I never thought you would.

Not my fault I have chosen someone

Who is there everyday,

To make me laugh, smile and cry.

You have thrown away something

You think you’d have soon.

This is the real world,

Competition is always around the corner.

It's the first Thursday of the month, and I'm standing in line, waiting for the nun to walk us across the schoolyard over to the church to confession. I am in fouth grade.

Sister: "Where is your beanie?"

Me: "Sister, I forgot it."

(Truth is, sister, I can't remember any sins to tell the priest today).

Sister: "Well, go get one of the extras from the box in the coat room."

Me: "Yes, sister."

(And for sure it's going to be either huge or so small it will fall off my head).

We get to church and now we are lined up on either side against the walls of the building. The entire fourth grade, two classes, one class on one side and one class on the other side, waiting our turns to go into the 4x4 pitch black room, where we will tell the priest all of the sins we committed that month.

Of course we get scolded at least once by the nun for chit-chatting as we wait in line. The thought goes through our heads, "Now, is that a sin?"

It's my turn and I enter the small room and feel about for the wall so I can find the kneeler and wait for the priest to open his little 'window'. In the interim, I can hear his muffled voice talking to the child in the booth on the side opposite to where I am kneeling. I can not hear the words, only a muffled sound that causes me to feel a bit anxious, for what reason, I have no clue. The whole thing is very strange to me every time I used to go, and as the years pass by, I find it even more strange.

Finally, the window opens, and light from his small cubicle where he sits shines into the small area where I have been waiting. Thinking about that alone, now an adult, explains the power they have over people for many years.

Priest: "Yes, child."

(Oh, thank God---I was wondering what in the hell that kid must have done. It was taking you forever, father.)

Me: "Bless me, father, for I have sinned, it has been one month since my last confession. These are my sins:...."

(Oh sh*t, this is the part I hate. What in the hell am I supposed to say? I don't mean to sound full of myself, but Jesus Christ!! I haven't done anything wrong this month!)

Priest: "Yes, child, you can speak---tell me your sins."

Me: "Um, I took the Lord's name in vain, father---well, not exactly but I thought the Lord's name in vain."

(Yea, just a minute ago--it's your fault too, for making me so damn nervous).

Priest: "Yes, child, that is a sin. What else?"

(Oh, man.... I better think of something fast.)

Me: "I told a lie, father,"

(Just now... f*ck!)

Priest: Yes, lying is not what Jesus wants for you, child. Who did you lie to? Your mother? Your father?

(Whew!! Thanks for saving me on that one, father!)

Me: "My father, but I also cursed someone---well, it was in my mind, father---I didn't really say it."

(*Sinister grin* Ok...I got this one...cool.)

Priest: "What was the curse word, child?"

(OMG, how embarrassing. Now I have to say the f bomb to a priest.)

Me: "Well, father, it was the word .... um...F*CK."

(Oh SH*T!!! I can't believe this! He is making a sinner out of me, and I was pure and holy when I walked in this room today!! God dam* this SOB!)

Priest: "Child! Where did you learn this word? Do you know what this word means?"

(Oh no. Now we have to have an interrogation because i'm trying to be honest with this sucker...no way. I 'm not goin' here with him).

Me: "I forget where I learned it, father,  I forget what it means. I heard it from an eighth grader waiting for the bus."

(Blame everything on the eighth graders when you're a fourth grader---it works! Now I'm really going to hell, cause that was a big fat lie, but holy sh*t--I can't talk to him about this stuff. The whole building could crumble!! Not only that, he's making this worse and worse, and I'm afraid of the dark to begin with.)

Priest: "Is that all child?"

(Is that ALL? You made a freakin' mountain out of molehill, dude!!)

Me: "Yes father. Well, give or take a couple more curse words."

Priest : "Ok child." (*mumbles some mumbo jumbo for about a 2 minutes while I sit humbly awaiting his absolution*) "For your pennance, you must say 3 Hail Marys and 4 Our Fathers---and God Bless you".

(At least he could have some suckers or a free movie ticket or something---that's all I get?)

I leave the confessional and go kneel up at the altar of the church to say my pennance, and while I do all the kids get scolded a few more times for chit-chatting, as we are comparing pennances....of which most often, everyone's is the same thing. 

I don't know how I ever made it to where I am today in my spirituality, but apparently, overall, it must have done something good for me. Just very funny to think back on.

12:22 AM 6/30/2013 ©

.......

I learned from lessons that honesty can bring neglection but that's not the case. 
In this case my intentions are to confess to you, and like they say "don't ask a question if you're not looking for an answer"
 but why be honest if you're not hoping for an outcome.
Being honest could be my own set up for failure, but I figured why not man up and try rather than lying to myself and hide.

I know in reality if I spoke this you wouldn't hear it, or if I threw it as a piece of paper you wouldn't feel it.
So with precautions let the wisdom of my words get me into with your spirit.
Now I may not be the first to have said this but I don't wanna be a curse because women are the verge to a space we all cherish. 

I'm not trying to be a dime-a-dozen believe me, I just honestly believe that you should know
 that the purpose of my words come from the feelings you emerge
In other words I'm into you

*Blue Eyed Girl/Green Eyed Girl*
In the middle of everything i once had
She had left to be what i never wanted to hear
Better yet never wanted to believe...
The tension between us, you'll never see both of us so mad
Its only between us but who am i to talk to, you'll just close your ears
How long has it been or will it last i'll never know i'll admit i wished she never had to leave
But at the same time i'm glad she did
Because i found someone who wasn't afraid to show me unlike you, you always wanted me of rid
If i ever stood up and shown her but instead i hid

*Green Eye Girl*
So in my only memory of her "I feel so stupid"
Was the only thing i ever had anything to do with her
Not that much younger than me
But everything I Believe God has every created and wanted the world to be
An Angel and i was too fucking stupid to show that i liked her
How stupid and simple is that to say? Der...
According to me its so hard to do...someone hit me with V8
I couldn't say it, i was afraid because of what might've happened in the future...
I'll never forgive myself for it because i waited too long and for that she had every right to hate
I'm such a fucking dumbass, can you imagine everything new you want to do and someone clinged on to you? i'm a loser..
So that is why it is said that me and her have never been a date.

So in this i say to you Blue Eyed Girl

How do i keep someone new when the you from your past screws it up?
I don't care if you think being risky is a way of having fun
I don't care if having sex is the only way you think holds a relationship
I don't care if i didn't mind you doing what you do, but its enough, i let you torture me, i'm done!
Seeing you upset breaks me but seeing you do what i never saw you before?
Might as well wear a sign that says worth less
Than nothing of such a mess
I couldn't stop believing the disgusting truth
But hell it was wasting my own youth
Fuck you, Fuck you, Fuck you, you fucking bitch!
Look at me know arguing with myself because i was too stupid to realize the girl of my past was a slut with an itch
The itch meant she couldn't stop having a man between her legs
The utter truth hurt but i could care less
That's the thing that i really hate!
I'm always the one that hears about everything late!
And yet she still doesn't know why i don't talk to her?

Because she was the only thing that inspired me to keep me on my feet and enjoy life being a normal person...
Without *blue eyed girl* i probably wouldn't have had so much fun being a normal...my heart wasn't broken
My hope...my will...thrown out, my inspiration
Turned to fucking damnation
You let me down...i looked up to you, my heart didn't break, something i thought i would never see at all worsen
And it taken away by the scum of what this world is, in its older children "Teenagers" Whores...
Not to mention drugs and regret kept what i never shared about her, why she was an easy target for whores and i was the lame ass bore
I knew she end up being in the lowest level possible, i never said it because i never wanted to believe it

So in my last words to you Blue Eyed Girl

YOU HAD THAT COMING.

Green Eyed Girl...
I'm sorry... I AM So sorry
If you ever find out, i never meant to hurt you, i just wanted you to understand
Everything else that i am offered in our nation land
I would give it all up, My career, my dream, its not there because my dream is you...<3

Last Year wasn’t just the year I finally had fun

It was the year when I finally met you Hun

Now you I can go on and on for days talking about how cool you are

My friends would listen and them seeing me like this they thought was bizarre

Why? Because I’ve never felt like this about anyone before and I mean it this time

In the past I’ve only said that once and I regret it, but this time I’m glad I said it

I have no regrets meeting you, it was about time someone didn’t see me as mime

Every time I see you I think of the things me and you could do everyday, and I admit

I think your pretty damn cute, and I’d love to say that to you everyday some time

To me your like the only thing I ever wanted, like something special I had to get it

I don’t know what this feeling is this is something new

But that’s just what I felt about you?

Last Year wasn’t just the year “I Stood up for myself”

But it was the year I finally took myself off that dusty shelf

Surrounded by drama

You wished you called your mama

Nothing was gonna take me down

Not once did I ever frown

You could even put me in water I’ll never drown

I’ll look at you and laugh “Hey I didn’t know you were a clown”

But enough with that my haters are too soft

I’m a let my homies finished yall off

When I met you, my heart stopped…beating so fast, trying to hide my smile

All day I walked you to class, I’ve never felt this good in awhile

Your truly something else, I like that, coming at me with style

Don’t worry what people say about you, I already put them in the trash pile

I don’t know what it is about you but I like everything about you.

You’re smart, funny, beautiful, and you have the best personality I’ve ever known

I will never let anyone hurt you, like a guardian they won’t get through

I’ll send them all the way to unknown

Where they’ll know what is like to be alone.

Last year wasn’t just something that was something wonderful

But it turn out to be something very meaningful

I thank you for that, with all my heart

I think its time for a new start

This year i won't let anything split us apart