Scared of the idea, 

But I want to a be a keeper, 

Of the lighthouse on the cliff, 

With the waves crashing in. 

Everytime I look, 

I get a chill down my spine,

Large enough to climb, 

Like the thoughts that I have,

Overwhelming and attatched. 


Only now, I see the state,

And maybe I'm too late,

Oblivion has hit,

Turned this place into shit.

I can't just walk away,

And pretend that I've changed. 

I should stick to my word,

And slowly watch my world,

Deteriorate to nothing

'Coz I'll never turn to something,


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If Part 2

Verse 1:

Whenever we're together,

I can feel the love in the air.

Have I gone too far?

Have I changed that line

Between a friendship and relationship?

'Cause nothing's like before.

You left me hanging by a thread.



Without a care in the world,

You left me without saying goodbye.

Guess there is no forever for us.

No promises made

To last for eternity.

Now, I move on.


Verse 2:

If only you'd realize

What I realized 

About us,

Things wouldn't have

ended the way they did.

I know you know it too.



If you and me,

If there's a possibility

Of becoming one with you,

Let me into your nooks.

But you said that

We'd fall in love.


Author's Notes/Comments: 

About someone playing "mind games" with you and leading you on, to be honest.

Moving On

Verse 1:

I still cling to our memories.

Retrace our lost steps,

Retrace a lost design,

How can I let you go?



I've let you into my nooks

Yet you've denied

My signs of love and trust

Now, all I can do

Is move on.


Verse 2:

Moving on,

I discover myself.

I'm a lone wolf.

Why can't you see

That we're meant to be?



 Take me by the hand,

'Cause this time,

I won't let go.

Hold onto us.



I hold onto

Our memories.

But now,

It's all in the past.

I'm moving on.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

INTJ women in relationships if someone doesn't show interest back, to be honest. Hint: I"m an INTJ women and fed up with men playing "mind games" and using me.

One Day At A Time.

Loving you is like tying my stomach in knots just to connect a few dots

Loving you is like asking the robin that thinks it's a blue bird to remember it's a robin, and it's laid an egg.

You laid an egg!

Or, rather you helped procure one.

You're here now. Remember?

You're back on this plane(t) of rock hard existence

Where you know only shame

How's that working out for you, so far?

You see... Loving you is like picking up each piece of plaster in a disaster and [then] asking it to stop crumbling

Could you please just stop crumbling. FUCK.

I can't take it anymore with the decay.

Put your self back together.

Loving you is like losing a piece of time, in the grand scheme of all things,

and then setting expectations for when this will all come back into frame.

When will this all come back in to focus?

When will this all come back?

Will this all come back?

Loving you has been like the most gut wrenching ride, I've ever felt in my life.

It's like a constant influx of hellos, and a steady stream of goodbyes.

Loving you is like holding onto a stream, where you can see it flow through, passed you,

but there's nothing stealthy enough to hold you.

Besides, why would I?

What would be the point in building a damn to stop your flow?

I mean-- like-- GATDAMN can he flow! The world doesn't even know.

But, I do. I know what you can do, because I've been wrapped up in you,

and I've let every aspect of me cave into all the cavenous pits you've created wthin

...and here we are.

We're back in your pit of shame and despair, and I don't have time.

I can't fucking be here.

I have things to do...

A baby to take care of--

and you...


Loving you is doing everything I can to not be bitter.

Loving you is remembering that all I wanted was for you to live to be the man he needs you to be.

Loving you means knowing I still have to love me.



Verse 1: 

If not darkness, then light

Each evanescent glow of light

Never before had

Shone on me



Memories tug at my heartstrings

resurfacing, I hide my emotions and feelings

tucked away in my heart

until it's reaching for air


Verse 2:

Until I take my last breath

I'll be with you

Until the end of time

When the time comes

'll let you know

You are the one



I never believed in love

Until I met you

I breathe for you

Each step I take

Is closer to your reality



Between the lines of hopes and dreams

Is our future

Don't let me go

'Cause you are my only one

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Well, this is about Dream Guy and our reality, to be honest. That's what we think about each other. I know this from his sister aka pre school friend. We met in 2010 in person, finally after his sister told him about me in 1994. He has a good memory and knows I'm the person his sister saw get bullied in pre-school. It might be best I try again after attracting jerks and emotionally unavailable guys that run away every time I open up about something significant in my life. Cue "Run Away" by Quietdrive from their album: The Ghost of What You Used to Be. Check out that song, it's a bittersweet song, to be honest.





I'm sorry.

I can't see the meaning of those words anymore.

Black & blue;

Bruised, on the floor, & what do I hear?

"I'm sorry, you didn't deserve that, you weren't the girl I should have hit."

No, shit.

Curled into the fetal position;

A piece of my soul was taken sans permission.

Forced into submission...

Yet, I hear it again;

"I'm sorry, I didn't know it was rape."

"Rape can't happen between a couple anyway, plus I love you, I'm sorry."

How does one process this mess?

I'm sorry, I forgot how english works.

I'm sorry, my soul fucking hurts.

I'm sorry, perhaps I shouldn't be so nice.

Sugar, spice, everything nice...

Tweak the ingredients.

Fuck this obiediece;

Encoded in my D.N.A.

Fuck what I have to say.

I'm sorry I was there for you when you were on special k.

I'm sorry I can't be nice today, "my baaaad".

Your words of choice.

I'm sorry your mom is a fuckin' crack junkie.

I'm sorry your father shot himself in the head.

I'm sorry, you're not as strong as me.

I'm sorry you think strength is monetary.

I'm sorry, my mom doesn't wake me up spilling trash all over me.

How I have grown to loathe the words...

"I'm sorry"

"My bad"

Too bad, so sad, I am left to just toughen up.

I'm sorry I didn't wanna do horse tranquilizers with you.

I'm sorry that the cops caught you at a fuckin' drive thru.


I'm sure you see,

You use a word too much, it loses it's meaning.

Fair weather friends, come and go like changing seasons.

Apologies, you have lost me.

Fathom the reasons.

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Whenever I get close to people

I end up hurting them.

I don’t mean to.

That’s just who I am.


I’m like a rose.

From afar I’m beautiful,

But if you come too close

You’ll get pricked.


Don’t pick me.

I don’t want to leave my thorns in your hand.

You won’t be able to leave

Without getting hurt.


I can’t change the fact

That I’m going to hurt you.

I just hope that once you pick me

The pain will be worth it.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 6/14/17



“Who is he?”

I whisper to myself

as your eyes gaze off to the distance

and treat me with the unbearable silence

I’m a little too late, I guess,

I hear your eyes scream, they confess

It is him who holds your heart

The one you’d rather hold your hand

Under the city lights

In a cold November night


But my love for you is greater than his.


So do the honor and list down the things

you so liked about him

Watch me burn myself with a pile of leaves

and reborn as him

Just let me be your light, your candle tonight

I can be him, your lover, if you like

I’ll cut my wrist, drain the blood my ancestors

passed on to me

Replace it with the words he whispers

when I’m not around

Let his words flow down my veins so you may speak

and tell me all the things you never say to me

Slit my throat with the screen of the phone you use

To capture his face, his smile, the perfection, your muse

Because you never even once

took a picture of me

— or maybe my image is just

too hideous for you to keep?

What strength of lens does he use, you say?

I can smash mine down if it’s not the same

Use the shards to peel off my skin I so badly hate

Blessed is he to have the kind that keeps you sane

I’ll unclench my claws I’ve spent years to build

Pull them out and mold me his hands and feet

Let the blood spritz all over the room

Let them spell: HERE LIES A HOLY FOOL,



Tell my mother I died a sweetest death

And I’ll be waiting in line in the Day of Resurrect

Pour out the gasoline all over my corpse for the final touch

Say a short Ignatian prayer before you strike the match

Watch my skin; watch my veins turn to ash, turn to dust,

as I’m enveloped and swallowed by flames

‘Cause I’m tired of fighting, I’m tired of asking,

“Who is Carl, baby? I’m James.”


From now on, call me Carl.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

A poem about wanting and loving someone so much you are willing to turn yourself into someone else.

Beautiful Lie


I’m a liar.

Every day you get more

tangled in my web of lies.


With every waking breath

The lies spill from my lips

Until there’s nothing left.


My lies draw you in

And bleed you dry

Leaving you lying on the ground.


I could paint you a picture

with my beautiful lies.

They would cover a canvas with deceit.


I’ll tell you what you want to hear

Just to see your smile.

I might be a liar but you are my truth.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 6/10/17