better tomorrow

Social mobility

Social mobility

By jfarrell

 

1970’s I grew up on council estate;

Drunk violent parents;

Raped by uncle at 5;

Beaten up by everyone that knew me.

 

Mum poured vodka down my 8 year old sister’s throat,

And dumped her on stairs when she passed out…

That’s why I got taken into ‘Care’ when I was 11;

A children’s home, a place of safety.

 

My keyworker grooming me for abuse….

….reallly, the illegal, hardcore pornography magazines?….

….

And nada di naada di nada….

Nothing…. nothing matters

 

 

Social mobility….?

Aspirations? Dreams? Being better?…..

I was born in to a scumbag home, to be a scumbag….

 

Nothing has always been my future, my destiny;

Social mobility…

I’m still here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And at 50

 

The pain paid to me I haven’t paid back….

However much I wish to turn on my chain saw

And fill my hunger,

My neeed, desire for vengeance, rightfulness…

 

Social mobility?

Huh?  

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

you lived in a sceptic tank? you were lucky! 25 of us had to live in shoebox int middle of road - monty python classic

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Two Wishes

Two Wishes

By jfarrell

 

Found a dust-covered lamp;

Gave it a wipe down, might get more if it looks shiny;

Then, BOOM, explosion of light

Green, flourescent slug floats before me.

 

“You have summoned me! My time is short!

You have three wishes, wish away….”

Well, I was somewhat taken aback,

Not exactly an everyday occurrence.

 

Slug thumps its tail, as if it were a foot,

Raises an egg-timer;

“My time is short! I did mention that, yes?”

“A job that pays enough….”

 

“Granted! Next wish!”

You gotta help guys,

The green glowing slug thing still here,

And he don’t look the patient type.

 

A job that pays enough, is my only wish,

Only need;

I still have two wishes left;

They are my gift to you.

 

The future lies in you, not in me;

What do you wish?

I just wish to get work and regain control of me, my life

And that’s rather selfish.

 

The last two wishes, I give to you;

But this slug doesn’t look patient.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

the exits are here.... here.... here... and.... errr.... here! :-)

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Chrysalis

Chrysalis

   By JFarrell

 

A time to breathe, to rest;

To recharge my batteries;

A seven day cocoon of non-activity;

Between an end and a new beginning.

 

From waste of space drunk,

I’ve crawled, dragged myself up to walk;

Ran with a bug up my ass through college;

Now, to sprout my wings as wide as I can.

 

Tomorrow I have my first job interview;

Actual paid work, for money;

My first this century;

Look at them wings, ain’t they magnificent?

 

Watch me;

Dammit, I’m flying already;

From a drunken maggot, I grew,

Into this wondrous…..

DRAGON………….. hisssssssssssssssssssssssss

;-)

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i can change :) or i will die trying :-) love having no options ;-)

Desperately seeking for …

Desperately seeking for …

By JFarrell

 

 

 

 

I’ve looked behind the curtain and under the bed;

My rucksack and fridge are bereft of any presence;

Nowhere to be seen at the local shopping mall;

And the library was a really good guess, but no, not there

(Of all places, should have been the library).

 

I retrace my steps; I gotta find…

Outside my front door, down the stairs, to my newsagents;

No…. no, and…… no

Where the bloody hell….

I KNOW, around here, somewhere…

 

 

Ok, another idea - visualise it, that’ll help you find it;

Great idea… just one problem…

What the hell does inspiration look like?

The reason, the need, the cause, the belief

To become that better person that my flaws deny.

 

Change is such a small word, sounds so simple,

Click your fingers and “POW”, I’m superman, Einstein, whoever

Who I am, what I am, isn’t good enough

So change I must

And if you could point me in the direction of inspiration

 

I’d be very grateful    :-)

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

the magic pill is around here somewhere :-)

Paradigm Shift

Paradigm Shift

By JFarrell

 

From ‘Superdrunk’ to ‘Superman’ in under a decade

Still going ok after two months;

Still sober, though I sorely wish I wasn’t in this heat.

Still only learnt my one sentence of Arabic

Because my time management, planning and focus

Still need work.

Learnt  lots of Modern History and new IT skills (like keyboard shortcuts)

Lost two stone in weight and have had an exercise routine

Established for two weeks, longest ever;

Even trying to get into meditation,

We’ll see if it helps.

 

Stage 2 starts tomorrow

Finding a job; hopefully that’ll go as smooth as staying sober

Though I’m probably kidding myself if I expect it to.

 

Trying to change from 20 year drunk into Steve Jobs is hard work

And though I am very frightened –

Everything is ‘if’ right now, with fingers crossed –

If this drunk can hold down a job and not get fired

If I can keep going

If I have the strength, the heart

If…. If…. If… -

It is up to me

The power is in my hands

Now

Author's Notes/Comments: 

will to change

Someone

Someone

By JFarrell

 

Someone,

An amazing, beautiful, radiant

Queen,

Haloed by the very stars themselves,

Fell in love with me,

A waste of space, good for nothing drunk.

 

And I must go to her,

Half way round the world;

I must hold her tight,

I will cry tears of pure joy.

 

I will say thank you,

I will ask why, how

And I will pledge my undying love;

She is what drives me,

Her wish is my desire.

 

No longer,

A good for nothing,

Waste of space,

Drunk.

Thank you, my Valkrie battle queen.

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

please feel free to comment,mor not, it's up to you

my bitterness has made me ugly

My bitterness has made me ugly

By JFarrell

 

My bitterness has made me ugly

And what makes me bitter doesn’t matter anymore

I want to forgive

I need to forgive

It’s the only way I may be able to move on

And I so want to move on

How do I learn how to forgive?

Are there classes?

I don’t believe in god

I tried, I so desperately tried,

But no-one answered back

Or maybe I just wasn’t listening.

 

But..

Today

I recognise and state that

I need to forgive

Is this the first step?

I so hope so.

 

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

first steps

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gulf

Gulf

By JFarrell

 

Between my mind and my heart

There is an immeasurable gulf.

 

I know I was only six

But I feel,

I took the sweets;

I know the adult was to blame

But I feel,

It’s all my fault.

 

I know the sun will rise tomorrow

But I feel

It’s never been darker;

I know tomorrow will be much like today

But I feel

It may never come (sometimes, I don’t want it to)

 

I know this is the world we live in

But I feel

It’s too unreal, too mad;

I know this world around me is very beautiful

But I feel

All is ugliness, all is pain.

 

I wish I was a builder

I’d love to build a bridge through that gulf

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

what's your gulf?

you are awesome

You are awesome

By JFarrell

 

My wallpaper says

‘You are awesome, start acting like it!’

 

You, whoever you are,

Are awesome.

Within your hands

You have the power

To build great things

To discover those things

Still waiting to be discovered

To cure illness

To end famine

To travel further than the stars.

 

Yes, you also have the power

To create great destruction;

Bombs that can destroy an entire city,

Beliefs to kill and die for.

 

Do you realise how awesome you are?

You, me, each and every person in this world;

We hold the future in our hands.

We are awesome,

Let’s start acting like it.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

you, dear reader, are awesome