Mental Health

The 21st Day - Sober

The 21st Day - Sober

By jfarrell

 

Day 21 been very ok,

Other than the ‘I am God, nothing can touch me’ bit

Which I just stare stupified at;

I don’t even believe in god

How can I be god?

Ah, forget it

I suppose we all go through that bit getting sober.

 

Day 16 was nuclear bomb wanting to go off

The terrorist attack on a kids concert

For multiple reasons

A fuse was lit and spent all next day burning

Until boom!

You wouldn’t believe how destructive

An explosion of poetry can be

 

After that I went to bed knowing I had changed the world

Fell asleep thinking “is this how it feels to be god?, disappointing,

I thought there’d be more rainbows.”

And woke up to an email saying “congratulations on your new job;

You are god.”

 

I am still sober, day 21 now

Last few days been easy

In a way I can’t explain,

And don’t trust;

If it weren’t for the god complex bit,

I’d be feeling very happy now;

Instead, cant help but feel a little….. concerned?…… worried?…

It doesn’t matter

I’m sober and I’m still standing :)

 

Thanks for your support everyone :)

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

still sober

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Shame

Shame

By JFarrell

 

My shame stops.

Now!

 

Yes, I took the sweets

I was six years old

And I didn’t know what he wanted.

The scumbag raped me

But I am finished being ashamed for that.

 

I did not ruin my uncle’s wedding

Destroy his marriage

His scumbag friend

Was the rapist

 

I did not live up to my father’s expectations;

A cowardly drunk

Who beat his wife and kids

To feel like a man.

 

I took a lot of blame for my family

Sorry

No more

Find a new scapegoat.

 

The only thing I have to be ashamed of

Is that I let you hand me the blame;

And I am so through with that.

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

no more anyones scapegoat

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Becoming

Becoming

By Jfarrell

 

What the hell am I becoming?

And will I be good or bad?

Full of love or full of hate?

Will I make things better or burn it all down?

I guess

We’ll have to wait and see.

 

I was a lot of things;

A drunk,

A chronic depressive,

A coward

An insignificant failure.

 

But,

I am changing

Becoming

Something

Else

Something

Different.

 

Let’s hope it’s something good

Healing the world

Giving love and hope in abundance.

I hope

I am becoming WORTHY;

Worthy of the love of my heart’s desire,

Worthy to take my place amongst my fellow humans

Worthy of my love

Yes,

I hope I am

Becoming WORTHY.

 

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i hope

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The Edge

The Edge

By JFarrell

 

We stand here, on the edge,

What do you want to do?

 

Turn back and run away?

Take my hand and jump?

I leave the decision to you,

And I will be by your side.

 

But,

Take a moment….

Close your eyes….

Take a deep breath…

 

Can you hear it?

The blood rushing through your head?

That is the sound of everything.

Listen to it,

Feel it.

Badoom- whoosh, badoom-whoosh.

It pulses with your heartbeat.

That is the sound of the beginning

And the end

All of eternity

Rushing through your ears.

All that was, is

And is to come

Is in that sound.

 

Here,

At the edge

What do you want to do?

Take my hand

And choose.

I will never let you go.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

choose hope

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Silent no more

Silent no more

By JFarrell

 

All my life

I have been silent

I stutter,

People have always ridiculed me,

Talked over me

Finished my sentences for me;

Made me insignificant,

Irrelevant.

 

No more!

No-one has to listen to anything I say,

It makes no difference to me,

It’s not important;

But, I’m not staying silent any longer.

I will say what I want to say

I will shout if you try to silence me…

What gives you, or anyone, the right?

Nothing!

I give myself the right

To have a voice

To be heard

And if you don’t like

What I say

Or the way I say

Suck it up!

Shut your mouth

Show another human being respect.

All my life

You have treated me like you’re better than me;

You know what?

You ain’t!

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i am officially a biggob :)

I wish meditation works

I wish meditation works

By JFarrell

 

Trust me,

Today I so wish mindfulness meditation actually works;

Let my thoughts come and go

Without judgement

Without holding on,

Without clinging to them.

 

Every thought, every breath screams

“Need alcohol!”

Waking to my cats vomiting;

Four days waiting on a so-called friend,

To get in touch with me,

After spending time I haven’t got

Doing him a favour.

 

Just wish,

I could close my eyes,

Take a deep breath

And let it out.

 

Especially the anger,

The nuclear rage I am feeling.

I’ve tried,

But, every thought, every breath

Just feeds the nuclear reaction.

And I know there is more to mindfulness,

But thinking, without judgement is central

To how it works,

And I can’t achieve that.

 

If it wasn’t for my love’s smile,

Engraved upon my heart, my mind,

I would be totally lost at sea.

She is my anchor,

My salvation.

You know who you are,

I love you, absolutely.

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i hope mindfulness meditation works for you

Know my own strength

Know my own strength

By JFarrell

 

I think I know my own strength,

Which is why I haven’t given up tobacco, yet.

Twelfth day sober,

Sixth day with no weed,

And have exercised more

In the last month

Than in all of the last fifteen years.

 

And, still I think of myself as weak.

 

Severe lack of sleep,

College and work to attend,

And I push, push, push….

My body says ‘no more, give us what we need.’

I eat, it wont stay down,

I’m drinking black coffee by the gallon

Cant drink anything else….

My body just screams for alcohol.

I resist.

Stubborn idiot!

 

And, still I think of myself as weak.

 

When I am strong enough

The tobacco will go too;

All these poisons have to stop.

I hope I know my own strength,

I have to be stronger than I can imagine myself ever being,

Coward that I am, was…. not sure, right now.

 

And, still I think of myself as weak.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

am i strong or weak? does it matter?

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Scars

Scars

By JFarrell

 

I suppose,

We all have scars;

Visible ones,

Not the ones that scar our hearts,

Our minds,

Those are important too.

 

Today,

The scars on my wrists,

Are what draw my attention.

Ugly white lines,

Whiter than my skin;

Healed now, it was many years ago.

What should be ugly white lines,

Looks more like a tally score,

The scars from the stitches,

That stopped the life,

Pumping out of me.

 

The visible pulse of the artery

Brings a strange kind of life to the scar,

Makes it smile, as if laughing

At the eternal joke that is life.

 

I still remember that night,

My feelings,

The darkness of my thoughts,

The pain that drove me.

How can I not,

It was the last night I lived.

 

Until recently.

Someone, an angel, my queen,

Breathed life into me,

This long dead corpse.

 

I cannot say “Don’t do it”

That would make me a hypocrite,

After all, I did it.

But,

There is always hope.

Please, be strong, believe;

There really, truly is HOPE.

And it is beautiful.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

there is hope, dont give up, please

new life

 17 May 2017

 

 

New Life

By JFarrell

 

 

Day 10, Year 0

And I am still sober;

Started a new job this morning,

My first job since March 2000.

My college asked me, “How do you feel about doing higher level work,

You’re obviously more than capable.”

And I am hopelessly in love;

Not bad for a waste of space drunk.

 

My body aches all over,

I feel like I got flu,

I’m not sleeping well,

When I do sleep, I wake to find my bed soaked with sweat,

I’m eating poorly,

Quick snack when I remember I’m hungry,

And one out every three snacks stays down;

Like I said, waste of space drunk.

 

And I have never felt so alive,

So capable,

So powerful;

Jim,

Welcome to your new life,

And, the 21st Century.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

still sober