Mental Health

i long to...

I long to….

 By JFarrell

 

I long to

SCREAM

Let it out, let it all out;

Pain, anger,

Just plain old

Frustration

I so want to

Let it out.

 

I long to

fall in love

To love another totally, absolutely

and be loved back

To be held

Close

Tenderly.

 

I long to

Be a better person

Not this stupid, waste of space;

Maybe

If I were a better person

I wouldn’t have to

Long to….

 

And

I am

So

Trying

 

 

(may you all have beautiful rainbows in your life)

 

(and beautiful dragons too)

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

what do you long to.....?

ashtray

Ashtray

By Jfarrell

 

As I put out my cigarette,

And glimpse the ashtray,

I can’t help but think

What a metaphor for my life

This is.

 

The dog-ends of past decisions,

Regrets,

Broken promises;

Drowning in the powdered ash

Long since burned.

 

The bottom of the ashtray,

Is stained ashen black;

Like Dorian Gray’s picture,

Inside me, is there a place,

That holds the scars of my mistakes,

Like dirty, filthy stains?

 

I can wash my ashtray;

Can I wash

What’s inside me?

 

I got cleaner,

I got scrubbing brush,

And

I gonna give it a bloody good try.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

yep, i am that dirty

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decay

Decay

By JFarrell

 

As I sleep

My skin dies and is renewed

I don’t know the full working of my body

But I suppose other things

Also decay and are renewed

My teeth definitely

Decay

And this is just me

My body

My existence

 

All around me, around us

Decay

is there to be seen

To be noted

To be cried over

And it is necessary

 

Leaves, vegetation

Decay

to feed the newborn growth

Of new trees, new flowers

We decay,

constantly,

To feed the cell replication factory

Within us.

 

Decay

Is seen as so sad, so negative

But it is necessary

For new life to spring anew

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

decay can be beautiful

silver linings

silver linings
by jfarrell

 

been awake since 3
bad dreams
no sleep for me
but what a beautiful sunrise

 

caught in a shower
soaked through to the skin
new hairdo ruined
but what a beautiful rainbow

 

it still hurts
after all these years
like a cancer it eats at me
but I still live (and, perhaps, am stronger for it)

 

bad things will always happen
that is life, sadly,
but every cloud does have a silver lining
and it is these that give life it's worth

Author's Notes/Comments: 

every silver lining is a blessing to be treasured

stop the flow

Stop the Flow

By JFarrell

 

I opened the vessel

And so much came out

I was overwhelmed and swept away

Giddy, dizzy

Dropped on the floor

Panting, gasping for breath

I had no idea

So much was there

 

And I didn’t imagine it could hurt anyone

I didn’t stop to think

How others might feel

And I am sorry for that.

 

I  don’t want to slop the flow

But, maybe, I can shape it into something nicer

More pleasant to experience

With no chance of anyone getting hurt

Magicians and butterflies

Clouds and stars

Brighter futures

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i didn't know i could write until i tried

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bubbles

Bubbles

By jfarrell

 

I’m not sad,

It just feels like I am;

I’m not happy,

It just feels like I am;

I’m not…

And we can all see where this is headed.

 

Maybe

The bubbles we live in,

Make us feel

What we feel.

20 years in therapy,

All my time spent with people

Telling me I’m ill;

All my time spent with people

Who are ill.

 

Maybe,

My bubble is the thing that makes me ill.

 

Maybe,

If my bubble had more of the real world,

Real people;

Real feelings;

Maybe,

My bubble could help me

Want to be a better person.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

trying to break my bubble

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mirror

Mirror

By jfarrell

 

I look in the mirror

To see an old, stupid man

Staring back.

 

My eyes are more sunken,

Than I remember,

Dark, shadowed.

 

Dumbass

Isn’t tatooed on my forehead,

But, somehow, I see the words there.

 

But…

If I apply a little soap

And wash the mirror, and rinse…

 

Is that the next prime minister, looking back?

The next biggest rock star?

( I doubt that )

The next Stephen King?

( I still got my fingers crossed )

The next teacher to inspire a student

To become a doctor and cure cancer?

 

Maybe..

‘Do you want fries with that?’ stares back;

Sat outside tesco’s, with my hand out, stares back;

 

Maybe nothing stares back.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

what do you see in the mirror?

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ripples

Ripples

By jfarrell

 

Like a pond, a lake

(anything with water, even a puddle)

Disturb the surface in any way,

And you see the ripples.

And,

If the light is right,

You’ll see rainbows,

Like a film of oil

Within the surface.

Disturb the pond over there,

And more rainbowed ripples.

 

Everything we do causes a ripple.

You’ve heard that saying,

Kill a butterfly here,

There has apocalyptic storms.

 

I press a switch here,

Say a word,

Blink,

Breath.

 

You press a switch there,

Say a word,

Blink,

Breath.

 

Ripples.

With beautiful rainbows in.

Everything we do makes

Ripples.

 

oblivion

Oblivion

By JFarrell

 

As I discard the empty wine bottle

And open my 2nd of the day

It is not without a little regret

That I begin to drink

 

I know this rubbish I drink

Is killing my stomach

Is rotting my teeth

Is (probably) making my depression worse

Is, generally, not good for me

 

But

 

As I finish the 2nd bottle

And go to bed

I will not dream

I will not wake up at 3am

Too scared, too traumatized

To go back to sleep

 

The oblivion offered by drink

(and drugs, if you’re into that kinda thing)

May be an imperfect remedy

But, it is an imperfect environment we live in

And it works (at a cost)

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

this is not an endorsement or encouragement of alcoholism, just because i'm stupid is no reason for you to be :)