Mental Health

silver linings

silver linings
by jfarrell

 

been awake since 3
bad dreams
no sleep for me
but what a beautiful sunrise

 

caught in a shower
soaked through to the skin
new hairdo ruined
but what a beautiful rainbow

 

it still hurts
after all these years
like a cancer it eats at me
but I still live (and, perhaps, am stronger for it)

 

bad things will always happen
that is life, sadly,
but every cloud does have a silver lining
and it is these that give life it's worth

Author's Notes/Comments: 

every silver lining is a blessing to be treasured

stop the flow

Stop the Flow

By JFarrell

 

I opened the vessel

And so much came out

I was overwhelmed and swept away

Giddy, dizzy

Dropped on the floor

Panting, gasping for breath

I had no idea

So much was there

 

And I didn’t imagine it could hurt anyone

I didn’t stop to think

How others might feel

And I am sorry for that.

 

I  don’t want to slop the flow

But, maybe, I can shape it into something nicer

More pleasant to experience

With no chance of anyone getting hurt

Magicians and butterflies

Clouds and stars

Brighter futures

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i didn't know i could write until i tried

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bubbles

Bubbles

By jfarrell

 

I’m not sad,

It just feels like I am;

I’m not happy,

It just feels like I am;

I’m not…

And we can all see where this is headed.

 

Maybe

The bubbles we live in,

Make us feel

What we feel.

20 years in therapy,

All my time spent with people

Telling me I’m ill;

All my time spent with people

Who are ill.

 

Maybe,

My bubble is the thing that makes me ill.

 

Maybe,

If my bubble had more of the real world,

Real people;

Real feelings;

Maybe,

My bubble could help me

Want to be a better person.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

trying to break my bubble

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mirror

Mirror

By jfarrell

 

I look in the mirror

To see an old, stupid man

Staring back.

 

My eyes are more sunken,

Than I remember,

Dark, shadowed.

 

Dumbass

Isn’t tatooed on my forehead,

But, somehow, I see the words there.

 

But…

If I apply a little soap

And wash the mirror, and rinse…

 

Is that the next prime minister, looking back?

The next biggest rock star?

( I doubt that )

The next Stephen King?

( I still got my fingers crossed )

The next teacher to inspire a student

To become a doctor and cure cancer?

 

Maybe..

‘Do you want fries with that?’ stares back;

Sat outside tesco’s, with my hand out, stares back;

 

Maybe nothing stares back.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

what do you see in the mirror?

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ripples

Ripples

By jfarrell

 

Like a pond, a lake

(anything with water, even a puddle)

Disturb the surface in any way,

And you see the ripples.

And,

If the light is right,

You’ll see rainbows,

Like a film of oil

Within the surface.

Disturb the pond over there,

And more rainbowed ripples.

 

Everything we do causes a ripple.

You’ve heard that saying,

Kill a butterfly here,

There has apocalyptic storms.

 

I press a switch here,

Say a word,

Blink,

Breath.

 

You press a switch there,

Say a word,

Blink,

Breath.

 

Ripples.

With beautiful rainbows in.

Everything we do makes

Ripples.

 

oblivion

Oblivion

By JFarrell

 

As I discard the empty wine bottle

And open my 2nd of the day

It is not without a little regret

That I begin to drink

 

I know this rubbish I drink

Is killing my stomach

Is rotting my teeth

Is (probably) making my depression worse

Is, generally, not good for me

 

But

 

As I finish the 2nd bottle

And go to bed

I will not dream

I will not wake up at 3am

Too scared, too traumatized

To go back to sleep

 

The oblivion offered by drink

(and drugs, if you’re into that kinda thing)

May be an imperfect remedy

But, it is an imperfect environment we live in

And it works (at a cost)

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

this is not an endorsement or encouragement of alcoholism, just because i'm stupid is no reason for you to be :)

home again

Home again

By JFarrell

 

The radio is the only sound

to hold back the crushing silence.

I’d call out,

But,

What’s the point?

Is it really worth the effort?

Just to hear my own voice back at me.

So, the radio plays,

LBC, a talk channel.

I’m not listening,

I’m taking comfort from the faceless voices,

Braver, than I, they speak out;

They are my company.

I am home, again, with my friends.

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i always have lbc on

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therapy

Therapy

By JFarrell

 

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT);

Everything is my fault;

How I behave brings it on.

Walking around, looking like a tramp, looking scared;

Well, of course predators are going to attack you.

 

Cognitive Analytical Therapy;

Everything is my fault;

I don’t think it through, so I bring it on.

I don’t think it through enough, to know a dog I’ve never seen, will be at this spot, 3 o’clock tomorrow;

So, of course, the startled dog will go for you. And so will it’s owner.

 

Mindfulness Meditation;

Everything is my fault;

You don’t appreciate this moment, now.

Because you don’t appreciate now, you will be upset when someone takes the piss out of your stutter;

Why is not OK to be angry, when someone takes the piss out of you?

 

The abuse from my mum doesn’t matter;

The violence from my dad doesn’t matter;

The being raped, when I was 6, doesn’t matter;

The bullying, the torment, throughout school doesn’t matter;

The time spent in Care doesn’t matter.

 

Therapy tells me

Everything is my fault;

I’m an adult now and should pull myself together

And take responsibility.

Everything is my fault.

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

my feelings follwing my  therpy sessions

Panic Attack

Folder: 
The Darkness

the anxiety starts kicking in

i start to forget who i am

the spirit who lives inside my bones

is wandering ever far from home


this isn't who i am inside

can't even tell if i'm still alive

i share these words through rhythm and rhyme

but can't shake the feeling of being lost in time


where am i?

gotta get out

where am i?

HELP ME GET OUT


MY BODY IS WEAK AS MY THOUGHTS GO RACING

I THINK I AM DYING-

MY HEART IS PACING

BEATING TO THIS TEMPO, ALL TO OBSCENE

AM I AWAKE, OR IS THIS ALL A DREAM?


breathe slowly

NOT ENOUGH AIR

MIND TAKES OFF

INTO PIECES I TEAR


RUSH RUSH RUSH

I CANNOT KEEP CALM

INHALE, EXHALE

UNTIL THIS IS GONE


as i clench my fists

my eyes fill with tears

with an ache in my chest

i now face all my fears


running away

forgetting my story

this is my life in a panic

when i've lost all my glory


with the last crash of thunder

the storm has now passed

I return to reality

escape my demons at last