19 and Naïve

WARNING: This is a heavy piece of writing that deals with the topic of sexual assault through relaying a survivors experience of date rape. If you are offended or sensitive to this subject matter, then please refrain from reading this particular piece. 


To everyone else: I wanted this piece of writing to channel the various feelings, thoughts, and overall experience of what it's like to go through such a horrific experience. It's choppy, it's scattered, and it's devoid of warmth. It's as though you're watching these events occur, but you aren't really experiencing them. You're disconnected; dissociated. To the survivors of sexual assault, my heart goes out to you and I know your many pains. For me, writing about my experiences has provided more healing than any shrink or pills ever could. 

I'm always here to talk if anyone ever needs a listening ear, or sounding board. 

You're not alone.





19 and naïve




She rides the 5E down the line

It's 11 PM

Past her bedtime

Work in the morning, she'll sleep in


One shot,

One night,

One boy who never paid her mind


Cold, it's the Dead of winter. She takes off a glove and fixes her hair


He's finally noticed her

She's coming at his midnight beckon


Houses with closed blinds fly past the window

Ever closer to her destination


her heart beats in rhythm to the bumping of tires over potholes


A man boards the bus,

waves a glove in her face

Crazy wide eyes and alcohol on his breath,

insanity pours out of a poisoned mouth


She sidles past and steps outside,

Cold air punches her lungs and leaves her gasping


She's walking




Towards the house in the middle of the street


The house he's waiting for her in



Waiting for his chance


Stopping at the porch, he welcomes her with open arms,

Tall and strong, enveloping her in a disconcerting embrace


They enter,

A staircase leads up


to a room


The room


The room with posters

And a laptop

And an inflatable mattress


'We're going to watch a movie'


It's not a question


We are

I am


I sit, but he wants to lay

His voice slithers wet and heavy in my ear


'You want it, but I'm not giving it to you'


My brain starts to ache


Throat becomes sandpaper

I've forgotten how to breathe


I don't want it


Hands now roaming my body without permission 

Shallow compliments fall on me and explode in a queasy stomach


I'm going numb

His mouth on mine

This isn't how I imagined it


Fighting back against bile rising in my throat


When did I become naked


He tells me I want it


I still don't


What happened to the movie

I just wanted a movie


He's inside me

Everything hurts

His face is ugly

And I think I hate him


He tells me to shut up


I can't


A hand strikes me





'I told you to be quiet'


Strong hands now hug my throat

A violent embrace

I want to cough

I can't





Spots dance before my eyes


Tears threaten to fall

Please don't betray me

Trying to maintain


I can't



He grabs my face


'Are you crying?'


There's amusement in his voice

It's a game to him


He soothes me

Wipes my tears

Before resuming


Mouth to my ear again




'I love raping you


I love raping you


God it's good


Dirty whore


I know you love it'


I'm there for years

I think I flew away  for a few of them




Out of the room with the inflatable mattress

Out of my body


The body that rejected me

Made this happen



It's finally over

A lifetime has passed

I never knew a body could feel like this from the inside


I am dirty




Angry and




Now downstairs,  he pulls me on his lap

Another man is there and they casually chat

They're laughing


I'm sick


And I think he is too


Going home now

I'm back

I'm alive

(I think)


It's so cold


I work tomorrow


I'm going to sleep in




The Girl

cries on my shoulder


talks to the man

with the fancy


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It's pulled, it's torn, it's burnt, it's cut,

Used once, and then into the darkness it is shut,

Until it's needed again, otherwise it has no purpose,

If it can't be used, it is of no service,

It has to be a certain color, certain way,

Because if its not perfect, it'd be thrown away,

Looped into a perfect knot, it has no choice,

Thrown again, without a second thought,

Judged by the appearance, otherwise shunned,

Thrown again, until they find another one,

The perfect one, the perfect size,

It's left in the darkness, and grown to dispise,

Everything different from itself,

Because it'll never be used by anyone else,

Alone and forgotten in the bottom drawer,

Because what else is it to be used for?

It served for but one purpose and now it's done,

It was used for nothing else but fun,

In the darkness it lays,

Still to this very day,

I am that thread, you threw away,

Cut up, left, forgotten, till this very day,

And with that there is nothing else to say.

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Mirrored Self

You stand there staring back at me. Not quite sure in what you see. All our friends say I'm the best. But you say I'm no better than all the rest. Who is this stranger that you see? I guess that she would be me. Yes I've changed who I am today. Feel free to share what you want to say. Am I a bad person? Not at all. I'm just a girl who's taken a fall. Am I an angel. Not one bit. I'm just a girl lying in this pit.

So who is this imposter before you? She's a woman who admits she has no clue. Life has trapped her heart down deep. She has decided not to take any leap. Let it all go. Follow the flow. Just watch the show. Keep her head down low. No more pain will she take. She's decided love's a mistake. Too many lies she has been told. Too little hope that's made her cold. No man wants her as his own. They'd rather get her as a loan.

Destined to live a single life. Afraid she'll never be a man's wife. She cries herself to sleep at night. Struggling to win a losing fight. Yes that's the girl whom I see. When I am staring right back at me. Others don't see this girl that I do. That's only because she has fooled you. A front is what she presents. Because she doesn't want to be anyone someone resents. So please be kind. To this struggling mind. As she cuts the binds. To find new finds.

Author's Notes/Comments: 


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