used

19 and Naïve

WARNING: This is a heavy piece of writing that deals with the topic of sexual assault through relaying a survivors experience of date rape. If you are offended or sensitive to this subject matter, then please refrain from reading this particular piece. 

 

To everyone else: I wanted this piece of writing to channel the various feelings, thoughts, and overall experience of what it's like to go through such a horrific experience. It's choppy, it's scattered, and it's devoid of warmth. It's as though you're watching these events occur, but you aren't really experiencing them. You're disconnected; dissociated. To the survivors of sexual assault, my heart goes out to you and I know your many pains. For me, writing about my experiences has provided more healing than any shrink or pills ever could. 

I'm always here to talk if anyone ever needs a listening ear, or sounding board. 

You're not alone.

 

-G.B

 

 

19 and naïve

Lonely

Desperate

 

She rides the 5E down the line

It's 11 PM

Past her bedtime

Work in the morning, she'll sleep in

 

One shot,

One night,

One boy who never paid her mind

 

Cold, it's the Dead of winter. She takes off a glove and fixes her hair

 

He's finally noticed her

She's coming at his midnight beckon

 

Houses with closed blinds fly past the window

Ever closer to her destination

 

her heart beats in rhythm to the bumping of tires over potholes

 

A man boards the bus,

waves a glove in her face

Crazy wide eyes and alcohol on his breath,

insanity pours out of a poisoned mouth

 

She sidles past and steps outside,

Cold air punches her lungs and leaves her gasping

 

She's walking

Walking

Walking

 

Towards the house in the middle of the street

 

The house he's waiting for her in

Waiting

Waiting

Waiting for his chance

 

Stopping at the porch, he welcomes her with open arms,

Tall and strong, enveloping her in a disconcerting embrace

 

They enter,

A staircase leads up

 

to a room

 

The room

 

The room with posters

And a laptop

And an inflatable mattress

 

'We're going to watch a movie'

 

It's not a question

 

We are

I am

 

I sit, but he wants to lay

His voice slithers wet and heavy in my ear

 

'You want it, but I'm not giving it to you'

 

My brain starts to ache

Confusion

Throat becomes sandpaper

I've forgotten how to breathe

 

I don't want it

 

Hands now roaming my body without permission 

Shallow compliments fall on me and explode in a queasy stomach

 

I'm going numb

His mouth on mine

This isn't how I imagined it

 

Fighting back against bile rising in my throat

 

When did I become naked

 

He tells me I want it

 

I still don't

 

What happened to the movie

I just wanted a movie

 

He's inside me

Everything hurts

His face is ugly

And I think I hate him

 

He tells me to shut up

 

I can't

 

A hand strikes me

 

Shocking

Stinging

 

'I told you to be quiet'

 

Strong hands now hug my throat

A violent embrace

I want to cough

I can't

 

Squeezing

Gripping

 

Spots dance before my eyes

 

Tears threaten to fall

Please don't betray me

Trying to maintain

 

I can't

 

 

He grabs my face

 

'Are you crying?'

 

There's amusement in his voice

It's a game to him

 

He soothes me

Wipes my tears

Before resuming

 

Mouth to my ear again

Hissing

Growling

 

'I love raping you

 

I love raping you

 

God it's good

 

Dirty whore

 

I know you love it'

 

I'm there for years

I think I flew away  for a few of them

 

Up

Up

Out of the room with the inflatable mattress

Out of my body

 

The body that rejected me

Made this happen

Nightmare

 

It's finally over

A lifetime has passed

I never knew a body could feel like this from the inside

 

I am dirty

Defiled

Hurting

Alone

Angry and

 

Betrayed

 

Now downstairs,  he pulls me on his lap

Another man is there and they casually chat

They're laughing

 

I'm sick

 

And I think he is too

 

Going home now

I'm back

I'm alive

(I think)

 

It's so cold

 

I work tomorrow

 

I'm going to sleep in

 

 

Tattoos

The Girl

cries on my shoulder

then,

talks to the man

with the fancy

Tattoos

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Thread.

It's pulled, it's torn, it's burnt, it's cut,

Used once, and then into the darkness it is shut,

Until it's needed again, otherwise it has no purpose,

If it can't be used, it is of no service,

It has to be a certain color, certain way,

Because if its not perfect, it'd be thrown away,

Looped into a perfect knot, it has no choice,

Thrown again, without a second thought,

Judged by the appearance, otherwise shunned,

Thrown again, until they find another one,

The perfect one, the perfect size,

It's left in the darkness, and grown to dispise,

Everything different from itself,

Because it'll never be used by anyone else,

Alone and forgotten in the bottom drawer,

Because what else is it to be used for?

It served for but one purpose and now it's done,

It was used for nothing else but fun,

In the darkness it lays,

Still to this very day,

I am that thread, you threw away,

Cut up, left, forgotten, till this very day,

And with that there is nothing else to say.

 
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Mirrored Self

You stand there staring back at me. Not quite sure in what you see. All our friends say I'm the best. But you say I'm no better than all the rest. Who is this stranger that you see? I guess that she would be me. Yes I've changed who I am today. Feel free to share what you want to say. Am I a bad person? Not at all. I'm just a girl who's taken a fall. Am I an angel. Not one bit. I'm just a girl lying in this pit.

So who is this imposter before you? She's a woman who admits she has no clue. Life has trapped her heart down deep. She has decided not to take any leap. Let it all go. Follow the flow. Just watch the show. Keep her head down low. No more pain will she take. She's decided love's a mistake. Too many lies she has been told. Too little hope that's made her cold. No man wants her as his own. They'd rather get her as a loan.

Destined to live a single life. Afraid she'll never be a man's wife. She cries herself to sleep at night. Struggling to win a losing fight. Yes that's the girl whom I see. When I am staring right back at me. Others don't see this girl that I do. That's only because she has fooled you. A front is what she presents. Because she doesn't want to be anyone someone resents. So please be kind. To this struggling mind. As she cuts the binds. To find new finds.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

3/7/2012

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