Self Loathing

Self Destruct

Folder: 
Self Loathing

What lies in mind

Are but dreams; rising

A growing wave

An eager uprising                                                                    

What I know

And the differences; believed

Cuffing these hands                     

From possibilities achieved.

What I foster

Are but lightbulb fields; glowing

Never to be picked

Upon my table; showing

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Warped Existence

Folder: 
Self Loathing

 

 

Never been the one

To stand and fight

For the dreams

That sore so high

 

I’m the one that hides

With fear inside

Living on burnt memories

 

Can’t seem to find

A fresh start

A new beginning

Without hindering hands

 

That grasp my sanity                      

Preventing me

To take a stand

 

I’m hurting and bleeding

From self-inflicted moods

When will I learn to love?

And heal these open wounds

 

How can I stop dying on the inside?

Rotting and withering away

Picking up my shattered pieces

In hope, that they’d stay

 

 

Breaking free from this hold

No longer listening to what I’m told

I’m sold on this future, meant to be

 

All these thoughts

Crashing down

The storm’s coming

And I’m here waiting

 

Can’t be hell bound

Chains wrapped around me

Screams with no sound

 

Sold on stories told

Silver linings and sun shine

Coming after the rain

Please erase this pain, warring

 

Ripping off this sorrow

Like clothes off my back

There can only be a better tomorrow

 

So let the rain come

Wash me clean

Swipe the things off my plate

That keep me, from me

 

 

Under Skin

Folder: 
Self Loathing

These demons inside me

Stretch this body; so worn

Wearing me like prideful skin

Comfort is never born


Damned a daughter of Darkness

It leads, whenever I stand

"Come with me" it whispers

As its slowly giving a hand


Ripples under skin

Tingling down my spine

Where is the light so needed?

Where is the divine?


It's slithering through my veins

Beating with every thought

"Rest your head" it whispers

"I'll give you everything you've sought"


Fighting within myself

Will it ever go?

Or will I be lost forever?

The Darkness loving to sow


I feel like this is the end

How can I spread this out?

Justifying my passage not clear

Still swallowed by its wrathful clout

No Escape

Folder: 
Self Loathing

I’m alone in a darkened room

Laying curled up on the floor

With silence haunting; heavy clouds

The rain bleeds down, ever more.

                                                  

The cold air slithers round

 Wrapping its eager piercing claws

Around my throat, so tightly bound

Numbing my heart of everything but flaws

 

Tears stream like rivers

Out of my blackened waterfall spouts

Damning the world of happiness

While I’m living in my world of doubt

 

This floor is cracked and jaded

This soul a mirror of what’s felt

Erasing all the good that lay prints

Searching for hidden sunshine to melt

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Plaster Face

Folder: 
Self Loathing

Tired of this cover-up life.

The need to be comfortable in my skin.

Wanting a picture perfect world

No satisfaction achievable within.

 

Using a pencil to draw things straight.

Using shadow to demonstrate – my feelings.

 

Tired of this mask that grins

There’s no washing it away I’ve tried.

Hidden beneath the false surface

No transparency visible with eyes.

 

Using a pencil to draw things straight.

Using shadow to demonstrate – my feelings.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

My masks of plenty that oddly reflect my emotions I bury within.

Never Ending Cycle

Folder: 
Self Loathing

Never Ending Cycle

 

 

This life wrapped in disappointments

This life dressed in shame

These demons have surfaced

Hands red with blame

 

There comes a time to realize

You’re not who you tried to be

All the dreams you set on high

Forever lost at sea

 

Thoughts are a constant battle

Inside your own four walls

Questioning everything you’ve done

And if you’re worth anything at all

 

No longer in control

Drowning with the rain

Never more certain

That I’ve never been sane

 

 

 

 

                            

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

..demons within.

What I am. What You see. What I want.

Folder: 
Pain and Heartache

Worthless

Is what I am.

No matter how I try to deny it.

I feel nothing.

I see nothing.

I am nothing.

Do not try to argue

for it is the truth.

I am Worthless.

Empty

Is what I am

No matter what I try to say.

I feel nothing.

I see nothing.
I am nothing.

Do not try to argue

for it is the truth.

I am Empty.

 

Carefree

Is what you see.

Someone who oozes content

You see my smile

You see my mask

You see a lie.

But I do not correct you

because I know you would leave

If you knew the truth

Happiness

Is what you see.

An emotion that I don't often feel

You see my smile

You see my mask

You see a lie.

But I do not correct you

because I know you would leave

If you know the truth.

 

Acceptance

Is what I want

Despite how depressed I may seem.

I want to change

I want to be different

I want to feel.... needed

But I don't dare ask

because I fear you may say no

That I am asking too much.

Love

Is what I want.

To feel as though someone cares

I want to change

I want to be different

I want to feel.... needed

But I don't dare ask

because I fear you may say no

That I am asking too much.

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The Art of Seduction

I can see her figure.
A half erect silhouette.
Shes snapping her fingers
and orchestrating my actions.

What a terrfic liar.
I'm half impressed with her conviction.
Right about now I could use another waterfall of liquid.
An alcoholic injection to help me forget what conversations could never cure.
I'm broke and she knows it.

She doesnt mind that my missing pieces are in her possesion.
Probably happy to have the upper hand.
Shes dancing on the edge she posseses.
She'd see me fade away than have a better fate like I always intended.
Why is her vision to bright too bare.
I'm lost.
I'm lost in all this light.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

My one problem when I drink is womanizing and I try to convey that in some of my writes. I wake up the next day and realize the control I let my obessions have on me and I still go back to my same routines. - September 6th, 2018

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