sadness

Courage : A Diary Entry

[If titles this long didn’t look stupid, I would title this… 

"I want to blame you for not loving me,

And that statement goes to every woman in my life who never believed in me."

Or

"I believed in you, when they told me don’t."]

 

Its been four whole days,

And you're still all that I think about,

Its overwhelming, the thought of you saying those things you typed out your mouth,

Im crying now,

I need a get away, calling haso, like baby get me out of town,

But I blew through thousands in my credit card account,

Fell back deep in an addiction many don’t know about,

And if they do, they squint their eyes in doubt,

They say, not you,

Not you,

Its not you…

 

Im salivating, how long are you gonna keep me waiting,

I told you I needed you, and you said not now, maybe later,

When we both know in your mind you're being creative,

Trying to force your feelings for me away,

But whenever you close your eyes you see my face,

Moaning for him, picturing me, but you are still confused of where you need to be...

 

Don’t you dare wish me well,

When your best wishes come from the same ditch where your daughter lays,

Don’t wish me well, my key is still under the mat for when you decide to stay,

Tug me softly, tell me this is the only way,

The only way, so don’t lose faith in me,

I cant let go, cant let go…

 

Paint my face white until the pink in my lips turn bright red and my smile upside down…

Tell them niggas, im alone, no one is around,

Tell them niggas, my spirit is in my knees, close to the ground,

Tell them niggas, before I get ate alive,

Tell them niggas, I want a chance at life…

 

Things are starting to overlap,

And im having dreams about deaths and bringing these folkz back to life,

The devil inside, haunting in life,

Grabbing my old bowl, packing tight,

My heart pumping blood, ready for flight,

My soul is inside out,

And ive lost control,

The woman I once loved sold her soul,

What about me turns all the women around me cold,

Is it a reflection of the ice in my bones,

The snow between my toes,

The shivers I get at home, when it aint even cold…

View dime421's Full Portfolio

Dark Blue Hours (day 62)

There’s a river I mold with my hands. It’s made of a second or two, it’s made of dark blue hours, a thought I think I might not have had if I think hard enough, honestly if it was ever in my head I think it could have been a dream of you gone missing.

 

I chase down things I want to say to you but they can’t make sound, they chatter and don’t crystallize, they flee like wild things, they’ll never come out right, I’ll pull back and forth on this syllable instead and take it apart and put it together and take it apart and put it together and take it apart and

 

There’s a distinct possibility that your meaning, what I think you mean, is meaningless. I mean, I don’t think you tried very hard but that’s exactly it, you didn’t try very hard to try. But God. I want you to. Wanted. Past tense. I wanted you to.

 

Silently she cries, I hold her blood in my hands, I try to use it to rinse out my own hollow bones that have been smashed so many times into the dirt but I keep failing just like I do when we talk, like I’ll fail if I ever try to hold you.

 

Just because she cries doesn’t mean I’m in some wind tunnel laughing, dress feathers blowing up behind me, knowing my wishes are just what I’m living and what I said is exactly what I meant and I meant to say everything I said. I have too many thoughts I don’t say and too many words I don’t think. Just because she cries doesn’t mean I don’t, there’s more than enough dark blue hours in this world to go around.

 

I could run until I button up a skin of steel and shapeshift to a seagull and be so so so free, I could run until I can see the sky and I can’t see anything, I could run until I’m out of footsteps and ramblings, I could run until the waves crash against my ankles but you dug too deep under my skin and I’d rather not open up those sores again with salt.

 

There’s a distinct possibility that when she cries I somehow break too.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 10/1/16

Silently she cries

In other news I've been trying new styles lately...because why not.

View tallsquirrelgirl's Full Portfolio
tags:

Without You

The days that were before,

O, how have they been lost!

Another tear, the tear,

it will soothe in my love-tossed soul

 

Decidedly, I chose to not forget,

as if there ever was a chance

at this repair, so hopeful I let

the seen things go, until

 

But it is clear, oh very clear

that this soul you don't deserve

that this hopefullness doesn't strike

that it is I you don't care to like

 

for that, I set myself free

from your shackles,

from your tax

upon which you feed,

is there still a chance at this repair?

I stop pondering it,

for my life is to live now,

without this nightmare it's become

without the deceit to overcome

without all the tears you bring into it

Without You

View krixano's Full Portfolio

Were This A Suicide Note From Me

 

Were this a suicide note, from me,

I'd tell you all one final goodbye,

With phony words you won't read,

Saying, For me, please don't cry.

But this is just my simple truth,

So I know no one really even will,

Shed one honest, heartfelt tear,

If my own life...were I to kill.

 

Were this a suicide note, from me,

I'd ask forgiveness for what I've done.

I'd especially be sorry to,

My daughter...and my sons.

But this is my real existance,

So in fact, no one would care,

That I'd felt the need to end it,

Because the pain was too much to bear.

 

Were this a suicide note, from me,

I'd tell the one I gave my heart,

Of how he shouldn't pine and weep for me,

And make a brand new start.

But this is just more factual,

To say he'd get over me real fast.

That those words were empty promises,

That were never meant to last.

 

Were this a suicide note, from me,

I'd say all those final things I'd need to say-

Like, Remember me with smiles,

And remember those happier days.

But this is my own reality,

And they only seem to forget my love,

That for everyone, I only gave my all,

But I was so easy to be disposed of.

 

Were this a suicide note, from me,

I'd remind everyone I love them true.

That this was just my only way out-

To be free from hurt, I did, what I had to do.

But this is just a fantasy note,

Because I'd rather leave it all unsaid.

For they don't care, or love me, while alive,

So why would they, were I dead?

 

 

View cathycavalcante's Full Portfolio

This Sorrow

                                       This Sorrow...

 
Loneliness is a Heart-less BITCH
 
This Sorrow...
 
I don't know where it comes from
But, seemingly out of nowhere
It comes out and hits me like a tornado
 
I feel the Earth itself wailing for Mankind
The homeless, the mentally ill
The in-firmed, those who struggle
Who do their best, but find it isn't 
       Good enough.....again
 
I feel the pains I see in the eyes
Of the Abused and Mistreated 
I ache for a certain special woman
And a Love that will never be....
 
I feel my own pain, inadequacies and
Mistakes made that can never be rectified 
Yet eat away at my soul, my very being
And like a Coward, I want it to go away
     And I have to find a way to live
        With the things I've done
              Or I am UNdone
 
 
         These nights are so unkind
        The Enemy reinforcements
     Attack when I'm most vulnerable 
    Feeling is so taxing, so wearying 
 
But, for some purpose, it isn't going anywhere 
                  Irony's practical joke 
   Well, I guess my life can be reduced down
            To one single word.....Joke
                      That's me.....
 
     I'm so lonely & pathetic right now
        I wish that someone besides 
              My Beautiful Mischa 
                 Cared Enough, and 
        Wanted, and Needed me, Enough
               To actually want me 
       To stick around for one more day

            And then maybe another, 
           And then maybe another.....

            One who would instinctively 
             Hold me, (as I would for her)
           When the demons came to
             Kick my ass & brutalize me
           Into some type of submission 
 
      So This Sorrow just goes on, and on
                  With no relief in sight
                   What's a man to do?
 
      Not even Mischa wants to be 'round me
      I'd been wanting for some time to feel
      Something, anything, and now I am
           Be very careful what you wish for...
 
                 

View mirror_rorrim's Full Portfolio

A Single Ray of Sunlight

Walking in darkness,

sometimes we forget

that light exists.

 


We fixate on what hurts us

deriving identity

from our pain.


We look away

from the hands

that could rescue us.


Aching

Longing

Filled with regret

Alone

Lost


Our vision blurred

our perspective limited

our views tainted


Conflict.

Contention.

Crisis.

Our constant companions.


Forgetting how to feel,

how to love.

Forgetting who we are,

letting shame define us.


Fire

Anger

Hatred

Self-loathing

Threaten to consume us

Unquenchable

Unfixable

Unrelenting


Everything we believe about ourselves

and the world

and the people around us

is a lie,

Warped by our own twisted thoughts


This is OUR world

But it is not THE world


Change is possible.

For you, for me, for all who see

through darkened eyes.


It comes in small moments of clarity,

like a single ray of sunlight

slicing through the clouds


The road to peace

can be a long one,

but the journey begins

with hope.

Unbelievably Unbelievable

"Unbelievably unbelievable" were the words whispered in my head,

Interpersonal voice narrating the fate left in my stead.

Pondering happiness and virtue, my confidence is nill;

I used to wish upon a star but now I wish to feel.

I repeat these words in my head every single day,

I revisit my past experience and wish that I could stay.

I waste my time in this pain of mine, daily i wish for day to end.

All this time in this life of mine wasted so I may comprehend.

The day to day imbalance, life traded for time once lived;

Memorial injustice in memories I won't forgive.

Why must we live behind our eyes in prisons with no retreat?

Why must we lay awake all night attempting to find our peace?

Why can I not be happy, who am I to reinvent my calm?

I believe that it is possible yet life is proving me forever wrong.

 

Guilt, forever always meaning only in the end,

Do we ever find ourself with the ability to transcend.

Only on that last day are we together with our flaws.

Only in that last day will we find the windows to our walls.

Only with that last breathe will we know with which we lived,

And only with that last thought will we be ready to forgive.

 

 

 

 

 

View benjamin's Full Portfolio

Nois Sesbo

Folder: 
Voodoo

The cup was half empty
before we were born
The taste mirrored sour fruit
I collected drops of uncertainty to fill it up
And yet full it never did run
I found you in a sea of faceless books
Drops of laughter filled page after page
of self-loathing
The drug you chose was the remedy
I was deprived
Deep, deep down parts of me
unwound
My darkness, dank and distorted
reached for your elusive light
My madness is infectious
you never stood a chance
We tiptoed silently, searching
for a way around the Burden Tree

A path never travelled would have

been better suited

But now I watch and I wait

you moved on with grace

The staccato rhythm of my thoughts

echo across empty walls

I wish I could split in two

But I was a plague and you were a Pachelbel fugue

Together,

rhyme with no reason

the devil's interval

a space with no shape

...love in an augmented form

But,

the cup was full

the fruit was sweet

And as always...

My madness stained the blue to red

I only know how to create destruction in my Path

I thank the darkness for the distance

and only hope that you find happiness

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

In the event it's not obvious- the title is a play on the word, "obsession." 

Death up me

Just wanna die 

Craving for death 

Serve me it on a silver plater 

My heart full of bruces 

Just bleeding out pain 

Veins pumping hate 

I ate a plate of troubles 

My stomach full of problems 

Somebody put a f----ng gun on me head 

Jus blow me brains out 

And put me lights-out 

Its a fight I cant win 

A battle I already lost 

Now im ready for darkness to take me over 

Gameover with me life 

Take me to after life 

Im just sick to wake up to thes world 

Mentality word 

Death upon earth 

Come and take me spirit 

To live is just a dream to me 

Death is reality.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

wrote this in 2011 was 18 years

View kasikid's Full Portfolio