funny

NO

My new Russian bride can only speak one english word and that word is no.

If she doesn't start behaving like a wife, she will have to go.

When I paid her way to America, I didn't know things would go sour.

We've been married for six weeks and I'm sick of taking cold showers.

When she arrived, I was thrilled to see the plane land.

But now I'm having to get some relief by using my hand.

Married people are supposed to make love, her behavior is absurd.

I'd really like to kill the idiot who taught her that one english word.

Sexual relations is the only thing that my marriage is lacking.

If she doesn't learn how to say 'yes', I will send her packing.

I'm sure you can understand my frustration and distress.

If you marry a Russian, you'd better hope she can say yes.

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Damn Christmas Bills

My wife makes me put up 3000 Christmas lights at our place.

We have the only house that can be seen from outer space.

When I get my electric bill, I always cuss and holler.

Those damn lights cost me over five hundred dollars.

My wife calls her relatives and they are all long-distance calls.

She doesn't phone just one or two relatives, she phones them all.

My wife sends expensive gifts to her relatives.

I'd like to shoot the person who said it's better to give.

My mother-in-law will get a Rolex watch.

But all that I'll get is a damn pair of socks.

I have to spend a lot of money at Christmas, it's pitiful how much I lose.

If you don't have to spend money at Christmas, I want to be in your shoes .

 

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Inspired by English exercise to write a news report

Inspired by English exercise to write a news report

 

In an astounding interview yesterday the Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson, apologised for his involvement in the Brexit campaign.

He said “It is clear people were misled badly over the consequences of Brexit. I deeply and humbly apologize for my role in this deception and will do all I can to fix the mess I’ve made.”

He went on to say that he feels it is his “responsibility” to initiate a vote of “no confidence” in the Prime Minister, Teresa May. “In these times of crisis, it is clear that my Right honourable friend is not up to the task of providing the “strong and stable leadership” we need. El dolce est decorum… or some other meaningless Latin expression to baffle the stupid.”

When asked how he intends to fix it, he answered “I will urge for a second referendum and lead the Remain campaign.”

In response to this announcement LBC presenter and former UKIP leader, Nigel Farage, dragged himself away from his pint to say “I think it is a very noble and courageous act that Boris has performed today. It is bravery like this that demands my full support and convinces me that Boris would be an excellent prime minister.”

Michael Gove was unavailable for comment, though he could be heard screaming “Devious bastard!” from within his parliamentary office.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

breaking news...

Flies

Flies

By JFarrell

 

I hate flies

Little ones

Big ones

Elephant sized bad ass kamikaze bluebottles

I hate flies

 

How they eat

Regurgitating onto the food

Through their

Proboscis

An acid that melts what it touches

Like the acid blood in “Alien”

With their oversized

Multifaceted eyes

Watching the puddle stew

And then

Sucking it up

As if it were tomato soup

 

I hate flies

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i hate flies

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I’m walking in my sleep tonight

I’m walking in my sleep tonight

By jfarrell

 

I’m walking in my sleep tonight

As soon as my head hits the pillow

And I am away to the Land of Nod

 

With one stride I will cross the Atlantic Ocean

With the next I will be at love’s home

Then seated on the swing on her porch

 

Holding her in my arms

Kissing her passionately

*this is a “PG” rated poem - this scene has been deleted*

 

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

dreams are magic :)

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I am scared of my hoover

I am scared of my hoover

By jfarrell

 

 

I am scared of my hoover.

I bought it about nine months ago,

A “vax” power nano,

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh

Sounded so coooooooooool.

 

Silver grey handle and base.

Transparent bagless chamber,

With a red hat to empty it.

And a bunch of tubes.

 

I’ve used it twice.

The second time I used it

I think I broke it

And I am scared to confirm that fear.

 

If the hoover I spent £120 on nine months ago

Is broken

It means I have six months worth of cat hair

To sweep up with a dustpan and brush.

 

And that ain’t gonna be fun :(

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i broke it, what a donut, eh? :)

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I say, I say, about this book….

I say, I say, about this book….

By JFarrell

 

I say, I say, about this book…..

Look at that mountain,

Does it look like I write books?

 

Oh, please forgive me,

You probably do not recognise me,

It has been a long while.

I’m God, so pleased to make your acquaintance,

I designed this little paradise,

Quite a while a go.

 

Then got called out on a job;

After all, one has to pay one’s bills.

Forgot all about this place.

 

I was driving home listening to Radio 4’s Christian hour,

What a secret pleasure, rather like listening to Monty Python on acid;

Laughed so much, nearly rear-ended the police car in front of me.

But, about this book….

 

I do not write books,

I make mountains, and I create microscopic snowflakes,

Why the hell would I write a book?

 

Look around you,

Every mountain, flower, cloud, living creature, raindrop, snowflake and rainbow,

If you can’t see “I love you” written there,

LEARN TO READ!

 

I did not write this book.

MEN wrote this book.

 

 

Just a bit of fun :)

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

harmless bit of fun

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A Falling Leaf

Laying under an Oak tree one sunny day
A falling Leaf caught my eye as it floated away
It floated solemnly through the sky as if to imitate a feather
Only you can guess the season by this one, and perhaps even the weather

For we all know that the leafs begin to fly away at the first of fall
So that a new leaf may begin to sprout in spring, this I recall
So by that leaf much can be learned by the watchful eye
We know for instance as it floats to the ground it is its time to die

Nature’s cycle nears its end for this little guy afloat
So that he may decay and nurture life, so I've seen it wrote
We know that he began as a lively and radiant autumn leaf
And that he danced in the wind, and played in the rain so brief

Now his time has ended, yet he is still a part of natures plan
For as he fertilizes the grass, he is reincarnated somewhere throughout the land
Perhaps now he has become a spry blade of grass or even a flower
Perhaps a small insect or even a tree that may tower

No matter what lesson you learn from that falling leaf
You are sure to remember that life is really brief
So dance in the wind and play in the rain
Enjoy this life while you can, your destiny lies on that plain

P.S. We all become fertilizer in the end!

By: Wayne Hoss

City Life

City life is all that I know
Lights for miles let off a glow
Plenty of people spreading good cheer
As together we count down the New Year

Some prefer to be secluded and live far away
Some in the mountains and some by the bay
Flat landers they call us with a simplistic smile
Yet to get to a store they drive many a mile

All that I need is here in this beautiful city
For those missing out I feel such a pity
Today I will catch a movie while they sit on the porch
I will enjoy air conditioning while they sit and scorch

I'll have my morning cup of coffee in the diner, and a friendly chat
While them hillbillies sit and weave a straw hat
At least they can sit and count squirrels in their spare time
I will shop in the city and watch a mime

Beautiful city women are all around
No! You can't see them from your mound
A Flat lander I may very well be, and a city boy no doubt
Just remember, if you are lonely in the hills, there is always Bigfoot for you to take out!

By: Wayne Hoss

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Humor

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