comedy

Ashes, Oh Ashes

Folder: 
Just For Fun

Ashes, oh ashes

What were you before?

The flames came a-knocking

And burned down your door!

While dancing and singing

In raptured ascent

Your memories of life

Have all but been spent!

 

Ashes, oh ashes

And dusty dust

Were you a vehicle

Given to rust?

Perhaps once an instrument

Known well to sing?

Death gave you beauty

Where is it's sting?

 

Ashes, oh ashes

You've made such a mess!

You're on everything, everywhere

That you could access!

Had I known that you'd make

This place look like snow

I would not have made you

In this chateaux

 

Ashes, oh ashes

How you do inspire

Me to build

Yet another fire

Though I hope this time

You won't land on my face

Or leave your mark

ALL OVER THE PLACE!

Author's Notes/Comments: 

It started with serious intent, before devolving into comedic sprechstimme. I hope ashes_twisted doesn't take it seriously!

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Breaking News!!!! By jfarrell We interrupt your viewing with breaking news…. JellyBabies have risen up and rebelled against us. Sweet shops, up and down the country have been destroyed As JellyBabies, by the packet, spring into life And start their camp

Breaking News!!!!

By jfarrell

 

We interrupt your viewing with breaking news….

 

JellyBabies have risen up and rebelled against us.

Sweet shops, up and down the country have been destroyed

As JellyBabies, by the packet, spring into life

And start their campaign of terror across Britain….

 

The world’s most prolific serial killer, Black Widow,

Was sentenced to an eye-watering 500 years in jail;

She waggled her backside at the judge and gave him the finger;

All eight of them….

 

A startling astral event is underway, right now

In the skies above us.

All the recognised constellations have moved

And resolved themselves into Stephen Hawkings.

 

As he soars through the heavens,

You can hear him singing,

In his famous metallic voice

“Always look on the bright side of life.”

 

From the Big Bang to Black Holes,

From the farthest reaches of space to Quantum Physics

One of humankind’s brightest stars has passed on

And the stars have come out to pay tribute.

 

Rest in peace Stephen Hawkings

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

hmmmm, not quite how i imagined my tribute to the great man would start

NO

My new Russian bride can only speak one english word and that word is no.

If she doesn't start behaving like a wife, she will have to go.

When I paid her way to America, I didn't know things would go sour.

We've been married for six weeks and I'm sick of taking cold showers.

When she arrived, I was thrilled to see the plane land.

But now I'm having to get some relief by using my hand.

Married people are supposed to make love, her behavior is absurd.

I'd really like to kill the idiot who taught her that one english word.

Sexual relations is the only thing that my marriage is lacking.

If she doesn't learn how to say 'yes', I will send her packing.

I'm sure you can understand my frustration and distress.

If you marry a Russian, you'd better hope she can say yes.

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Damn Christmas Bills

My wife makes me put up 3000 Christmas lights at our place.

We have the only house that can be seen from outer space.

When I get my electric bill, I always cuss and holler.

Those damn lights cost me over five hundred dollars.

My wife calls her relatives and they are all long-distance calls.

She doesn't phone just one or two relatives, she phones them all.

My wife sends expensive gifts to her relatives.

I'd like to shoot the person who said it's better to give.

My mother-in-law will get a Rolex watch.

But all that I'll get is a damn pair of socks.

I have to spend a lot of money at Christmas, it's pitiful how much I lose.

If you don't have to spend money at Christmas, I want to be in your shoes .

 

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Boris Johnson as Delboy Trotter

Boris Johnson as Delboy Trotter

By JFarrell

 

“El dolce est decorum…” he says

Waving a hand nonchalantly

Just because he uses Latin phrases

Doesn’t mean he’s using them correctly

Like Delboy with his French phrases

And his ridiculous heavy south London accent

The pronunciation exaggerated his ignorance

Of what he was saying;

Boris uses a posh accent

And everyone falls for the super-intelligence act.

 

If “Allo, Allo”, “Only Fools and Horses”

And “Upstairs, Downstairs” had a love child

Boris would be it.

 

Don’t laugh

With how our current prime minister is doing

He could be our next Prime Minister

Leading demand for a second referendum on Europe

Leading the Remain campaign

And he’d probably end up

The most popular prime minister ever

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

welcome President Boris Johnson

Humor and the R-word

by Jeph Johnson 

 

Humor itself is as multifaceted and diverse as each individual human is and every topic is subject to be influenced by humor. Likewise, it is my belief that humor should be allowed to influence every topic.

 

Sometimes a joke that utilizes rape (or race, or any number of other taboo subjects), is not perpetuating rape culture so as much as it is recognizing rape culture and utilizing it for humor's sake.

 

Q: What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?
A: Gang rape

 

The "9 out of 10" joke is NOT making fun of rape, it is making a valid point about those involved in mob rule, UTILIZING "rape" as a powerful subject/tool to drive the humor and point across.

 

It is not that dissimilar than the Larry Flynt quote:


"You can't have five wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for supper."

 

This does NOT mean that the "9 out of 10" joke may not offend someone, it likely will. BUT a overwhelming majority of jokes intent IS to offend. Sheep just don't have online blogs to protest, so the Larry Flynt "joke" becomes more acceptable.

 

This is why we use the term "butt" of a joke. There always is (and hate to use this word) a "victim" in a joke. Many who already have been victimized do not want to be reminded. But many people (even rape survivors) also recognize the POWER the very word RAPE carries and understand by someone choosing to utilize rape as their pinnacle example in a joke or point they are making, they are giving rape and other heinous crimes the seriousness that they are due. It only perpetuates rape culture to those who cannot get past the subtleties of humor.

 

Or if seen as a half-empty/half-full: Do jokes trivialize rape (and other serious issues) or do serious issues such as rape make jokes more powerful?

 

The answer: Both.

 

How one looks at it is different for each person depending upon their circumstances. The comedian must be cognizant of the sensibilities of those their joke offends, while the one who finds it offensive must be aware of the intended usage of the joke teller.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

2013 

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I Am Proud Of My Antarctic Heritage

by DaddyO

 

PROLOGUE

I was born, raised and spent my formative years in Antarctica. My Mother was indeed the most beautiful woman in the world. I always wondered how she accomplished this but turns out it was simply genetic. Every woman from my country is drop dead gorgeous, or a "ten" as I recall from when men were comparing my Mom to Bo Derek back in the day.

 

When I lived there, it was a more innocent age. Antarctica was lush and green and feminine beauty was white as the snow. Every woman from my memory was youthful, sexy and innocent looking.

 

There were no personal computers...meaning no FetLife.

 

There were no cell phones...so there was no "sexting."

 

Hell I don't believe there were even any Hitachi Magic Wands!

 

And there wasn't any talk of "climate change" either.

 

But little did I know, there was to be a revolution: The sexual climate of my country was going to take a major turn...very soon!

 

THE ENEMY: AUSTRALIAN SEX STUDIES

You see, there are no colleges in Antarctica. The closest school of higher learning is the University of Sydney in Australia. The cool kids attended one of the Sydney Educational Colleges (AKA SECs).

 

Yes having SECs initiate you into the world just after high school graduation was common, at least for the first four years. But I wasn't a cool kid. I never had any SECs to learn from.

 

While it was no SECs for me, I am still grateful: just before the devastation, Mom, bless her soul, ended up leaving and moving us to the United States.

The American media refused to cover the story of the revolution, instead enlisting Sesame Street veteran Morgan Freeman to make grossly inaccurate propaganda films.

 

That is why I chose to make my recent journey back to my homeland to learn the truth and document the habits of the populace there. What I have found will astound you.

 

REASON FOR REVOLT

From memory I can say when I lived there, Antarctic sexual culture was harmonious and carefree. But this freedom was misunderstood by the rest of the world.

 

The Australian people felt there was a lull in the training and education of sexuality for the Antarctic people so the Sexual Education staff of the University of Sydney started a task force and called it the Sexual Education Department's Understated Creative Energy (SEDUCE). The intention was to send SEDUCE on a fact finding mission to Antarctica for the efforts of conducting studies of the habits of the people of Antarctica.

 

Unfortunately this "research" became a merciless invasion of the Antarctic people's privacy. Professors and students wanting a doctorate ravaged the lush terrain of Antarctica. The fact that every Antarctic female was insatiably horny and a "10" didn't help matters. The Sydney University invasion drove everyone underground! The land became barren and cold as ice!

 

The people of Antarctica had to do something so they passed very restrictive laws on Sydney University researchers. On websites like FetLife this is evidenced by those of us who still remember the horror, by the many online disclaimers you will see throughout the different FetLife members' "about me" section.

 

Since the laws were enacted, the graduation rate of Sydney University dropped drastically. In Sydney most university students, in order to get their degree, still need to do research and conduct surveys to get their thesis' done. In order for this to be sanctioned (but still frowned upon) in Antarctica, when they head there to do their research, they are instructed to wear a lanyard around their necks in order to identify themselves to the Antarctic people.

 

During the revolutionary years (circa 1982-present), Sydney University students were given conditional diplomas despite their research being incomplete. One-Thousand students "graduated" with the expectation that they complete their research in a less hostile and invasive manner.

 

Under the Sydney Educational Alumni Lanyard System (SEALS) these endeavors are finally being accomplished. It is a painstakingly slow process. Those who identify with the SEALS make regular travels back and forth from Australia to Antarctica. But due to this red tape, their research is very suspect. Hence another reason for my research.

 

MY ANTARCTICA

The Antarctic statesman Durango Duran wrote my homeland's national anthem while in exile in New Zealand. The song was suppressed in the rest of the world, and this tender ballad quickly faded into obscurity by the mid 1980s. In 1990 a well known British pop group (who idolized Duran so much they named their band after him) added their version of "My Antarctica" as a B-side to one of their singles, and to this day remains the only known recording of the song:

 

"My Antarctica"

by D. Duran


Once I thought that I was in control
But that was just another trick of fate
Playing with my life
There have been some times
I was so tied up
And I said to myself
Gotta break it all
But didn't really try
Two hearts beating in this place you've made
You know nothing changes my Antarctica
You can make your rhymes
And paint your rules
In black and white
For me to memorize
But never understand
And there will be time
For a thousand vows
Oh a thousand promises
We forgot
To be realized
Two hearts beating in this place you've made
You know nothing changes my Antarctica
One life pumping
We make love to make our heat
And we throb in my Antarctica
We'll keep the rhythm going
And we'll remember
We'll keep the laughter flowing
And we'll remember
We let the music jangle
And we'll remember
Two hearts beating in this place you've made
You know nothing changes my Antarctica
One life pumping
We make love to make our heat
And we throb in my Antarctica
Caught and sheltered this is what we made
You know I will stay here
In Antarctica
And you
Will stay here
With me

 

FODDER FOR THE FAP

The FetLife Antarctic Population (also known as FAP) at the time of this writing is well over 14,000 people. It consists almost entirely of drop dead gorgeous females who take on the role of the "reclusive exhibitionist." They have had no choice; the fact that Antarctic women have off the charts libidos as well as were driven underground, what would you expect from an overwhelming majority of them? They have insatiable exhibitionistic needs!

 

RECLUSIVE EXHIBITIONISM

These Reclusive Exhibitionistic Antarctic Ladies (REAL women) are proud of their status. Many indeed proclaim how REAL they are when you send them a message to get to know them.

 

Due to my absence from the SECs workshops, I was vanilla in my formative years and only acquired my kink status after most of my Antarctic heritage was forgotten. I still feel erotic joy hearing an Antarctic accent. It most closely resembles the inflection you hear in "babygirl talk" (not to be confused with "baby talk" which is that "ga-ga, goo-goo" stuff).

 

There are no cell phone towers or carriers in Antarctica, so the country relies exclusively on webcams rather than text messages for correspondence.

 

EXTRA NORMALCY

The male population of Antarctica is much smaller now (most hot moms moved the males out to places like the U.S. and Canada). Due to this, it has one of the largest percentage of the world's extra normal guys. These men have been vanilla as long as they can remember and come onto FetLife at night for no other reason than to stimulate their average libidos.

 

This nocturnal activity extends into the early morning, as noted by the percentage of Antarcticans in the People who are awake at 3:00 a.m. FetLife group and large percentage who identify as vampires or have a blood fetish.

 

The exhibitionistic needs of the female populace has made the men of Antarctica very paranoid. Not only do they have a fear that men from other parts of the world are going to take their women from them (there is proof that they are!), they themselves, being of such "extra normal" status, are not able to hook up with these Antarctic woman. Yearly efforts are undertaken, as documented in the Morgan Freeman film. Thankfully the life span of an Antarctic person is well past that of people in other parts of the world.

 

THE PLAGUE OF PARANOIA

Antarctic men seldom are truly kinky themselves and generally pick a FetLife D/s role out of a top hat.

 

It is a vicious circle for the Paranoid Extra Normal Guy Unconsciously Intimidated Nocturnally (PENGUIN). His paranoia and insistence on only corresponding with the REAL populace via webcam, coupled with the magnificent and near perfect conditions of Antarctica which allows the aging process to become non-existent for her, means these REAL women are nearly 100% single.

 

The ones who aren't generally have open relationships with husbands, Doms or Masters from other parts of the world. Indeed the median age of a REAL Antarctic women is 92, and this is considered the age in which the Antarctic female is at her most beautiful.

 

"And every year they embark on a nearly impossible journey to find a mate." ~Morgan Freeman, in one of the only accurate quotes from March of the Penguins

 

REAL women have high libidos and PENGUIN's have, as noted in the acronym, "extra normal" male libidos. This means sexual things are always going on en masse.

 

The PENGUIN's reclusive nature and unconscious naivety keep him holed up in his room interacting with REAL women all the time. The sexual practices of Antarctic people consist mostly of masturbation and, for the REAL woman; "two-girl shows."

 

OVERSEAS SEXUAL JUNKETS

Prostitution is illegal here too. But the business of cashing in on the sexuality of these amazingly sexy REAL woman is the main form of Antarctic commerce. Traditional "penis in vagina" sex by REAL women only occurs when men from other parts of the world use tokens to take them on traveling sex junkets.

 

These Junket Excursions Relying Kinetically On Financial Funding (JERKOFF) by men in the rest of the world, and the *Junket Aversions Relying Kinetically On Financial Funding" (JACKOFF) of the PENGUINS keeps the Antarctic economy booming.

 

THE ANTARCTIC NATIONAL ANTHEM

A closer analysis of the beautiful Antarctic national anthem's lyrics show the extent sexuality and the revolution has had on the Antarctic culture and mindset:

 

Once I thought that I was in control but that was just another trick of fate
(The first line of the song, sung by a PENGUIN, refers to the paranoia exhibited by the male populace about their women being taken away from them. The "trick of fate" is the desperation Antarcticans feel over the Sydney University plague.)

 

Playing with my life there have been some times I was so tied up and I said to myself gotta break it all but didn't really try.
(This references the underground exodus and also hints at the propensity of the Antarctican men's introversion and the Antarctic people's affinity towards BDSM- specifically "bondage" in this instance.)

 

Two hearts beating in this place you've made, you know nothing changes my Antarctica


You can make your rhymes, and paint your rules in black and white for me to memorize
(A nod to the lanyards and strict rules enacted as a result of the SEALS revolution.)

 

But never understand and there will be time for a thousand vows oh a thousand promises we forgot to be realized.
(Antarctic legend implies that the old more carefree days will return after all of the Sydney University students are able to graduate. At the time of the writing of the song, there was said to be "1,000" students who have useless "diplomas" and still pending graduations. Now, in 2013, the numbers are closer to 750)

 

Two hearts beating in this place you've made, you know nothing changes my Antarctica.

One life pumping, we make love to make our heat.
(Due to the climate change, Antarctica is now frigid and making love is a necessity more for warmth than procreative intentions.)

 

And we throb in my Antarctica. We'll keep the rhythm going.


And we'll remember. We'll keep the laughter flowing.


And we'll remember. We let the music jangle.


And we'll remember. Two hearts beating in this place you've made.
(The chants of "And we'll remember" references the Antarctic people's commitment to remembering the atrocities Sydney University has placed upon their way of life)

 

You know nothing changes my Antarctica. One life pumping. We make love to make our heat.

 

And we throb in my Antarctica. Caught and sheltered this is what we made.
(The shelter refers to the mass underground exodus)

 

You know I will stay here in Antarctica, and you will stay here with me.
(Every PENGUIN's wish is for the REAL women to stay forever in Antarctica and not take a JERKOFF cruise)

 

DURANGO DURAN'S LEGACY

This wasn't Durango Duran's only ode to Antarctica, seven years later the band who idolized him made a video about how the REAL Antarctic woman are so brazenly shipped overseas to develop D/s relationships and incorporated it in their "Electric Barbarella" music video. You should try to find it on YouTube. 

 

EPILOGUE

I only have one thing to declare: I am proud of my Antarctic heritage! It has made me who I am today.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

2013

It was common for kinksters on FetLife who wanted to remain anonymous to list their location as "Antarctica" and their age as high as possible (in the 90s). This practice was most commonly employed by extremely gorgeous webcam models.  This is what inspired this satirical "autobiographical" writing. 

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David Letterman

Folder: 
Humor


David Letterman

 

 

user img


There is no

 

better man

 

than comic

 

David Letterman

*

 

  -saiom shriver-

 

 

Footnote:

 

His self deprecating humor, courage in political stands,

 

rippleless interviewing, lightning mind, etc.

 

will be missed.

 

 

 

http://variety.com/2014/tv/news/david-letterman-to-retire-from-cbs-in-2015-1201152380/

 

 

I Sued Because I Couldn't Be A Nun

Everybody is shocked by my lawsuit and because I won.

I sued a Convent because they wouldn't let me be a Nun.

They said that I couldn't be a Nun because I'm a man.

I kept begging to be a Nun so much that I was Banned.

When they rejected me, it really hurt my feelings and one of my problems is my vanity.

A Funny Farm put me in a straight jacket because they said that I suffer from insanity.

I was told that I can only be a Priest or a Monk.

It was sexual discrimination and it really stunk.

I'll be wealthy when the Convent pays me.

Why does everybody keep calling me crazy?

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This is a fictional poem.

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