funny

The birds and the bees

I neglected to tell my son about the birds and the bees.
He still thought women had penises at the age of 23.
When he tells people this story, they always flip.
When he saw a vagina for the first time, he thought it was a pair of lips.

He thought the woman's bush was a thick mustache.
Some people think it's funny but I think that it is rash.
I have something important to tell you and I hope that you'll agree.
If you don't want a weird son, tell him about the birds and the bees.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

THIS IS A FICTIONAL POEM.

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I Hate Aunt Floe (NOTE: This is a humorous stab at PMS from a Man’s point of view)

I can see your blood boiling
through the blades I once called eyes,
they were once beautiful like jewels
now they hurt my deep insides.
cutting at my guts
and like a noose on my lungs;
your words seek like bullets
your mouth like sniper guns.
I’m hit with each inaccuracy…
Being killed by words untrue;
and you even got the nerve
to tell me what you think I do.
But let me get mad
and try to plead my case;
then suddenly the world
is a f__ked up place.
You got tears running down…
What the Hell did I do?
We were just sitting and laughing
I could swear that we were cool.
Oh God…
Oh no…;
I should have seen it…
It’s Aunt Floe…,
This battle can’t be won or reasoned
I think its best I go.
Cause I hate Aunt Floe
and she hate me too;
she sit and talk sh_t
about the gum I chew.
The color of my shirt…,
She say my look is a stair;
She say my best has no worth
And she doesn’t stop there.
I didn’t change
I’ve been the same
these 28 days,
but now I’m f_ckin A__hole
Aunt Floe gave me that name.
She said get out my face
This aint your home no more,
But I’m more puzzled by
What was said before.
I love you
With her glossy eyes
I knew it was true,
But horribly sly
You see these words
make me the fool.
The one that’s cruel
That a__hole dude,
That sparked the fuel
To this f__kin feud.
But I swear to God
I didn’t start this sh_t,
Why would I give up my love
To live my life like in a pit.
This is horrible sh_t
Wasted days spent,
On nothing but the worst
I could be bathed in your sent.
You could be laughing
While I’m smiling
But Aunt Floe won’t let this be,
And the only way to make this right
Is hold my tongue a week.
And that ain’t gone happen
I’m a person too,
Not soft
But I got feelins
and don’t know what to do.
Now its been six days
Unbelievable rage,
She locked herself
In the room
I call it her cage.
I smell a sent in the air
It wasn’t there before,
Now lookin down the hall
I see an open door.
Is this a trap
I’ll guess I’ll see,
If I fall for another
You know that’s dumb ass me.
Curled in the bed
I think I know that girl,
But where’s the hells Aunt Floe
The one that f__ked my world.
She packed up and gone
Didn’t even say good bye,
Just came wit gang of bullsh_t
And vanished in the sky.
Is that you my dear
Can you please come here,
Listen close and crystal clear…
I hate Aunt Floe
Next time she here
Make sure I’m stocked
with weed and beer.
I love you punk. :)

Wile E. Coyote

My name is Wile E. Coyote and I fall off cliffs.
Some consider it misfortune, the Road Runner considers it a gift.
Those damn Acme products never work.
When they backfire, I look like a jerk.
I'm getting sick and tired off always suffering bodily harm.
If I wasn't a cartoon character, I would've bought the farm.
People find my antics amusing but I don't think it's funny.
Why could I only talk when I starred with Bugs Bunny?
If I live to be thirty, I'll never chase the Road Runner again.
My broken bones have convinced me to become a vegetarian.

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I'm going to tear your clothes off

You are extremely hot and we got married two days ago.
You make me so aroused and I'm going to tear off your clothes.
I just ripped off your blouse and your bra.
Your big perky breasts leave me in awe.
I just ripped off your skirt and your panties too.
I have something in my pants that will interest you.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This is a fictional poem.

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I hate MRS. Oleson

I hate Harriet Oleson because she was a bitch.
Somebody should've had that awful woman lynched.
She makes me so mad that the veins in my forehead start to throb.
That woman was greedy, mean and she was the world's biggest snob.

She had a spoiled brat for a daughter who was named Nellie.
But when Laura Ingalls threw hay on her, she became smelly.
If I had been MR. Oleson, I would've gotten a divorce.
His wife was so ugly, she had the face of a horse.

If I could've gotten my hands on MRS. Oleson, I would've gave her a good shake.
Every time she looked in mirrors, they were bound to break.
The Ingalls were very good people and they were also very nice.
But I wish MRS. Oleson would've had to shave her head because of lice.

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You told Him I was Insane

Woaahh stab me with a spike to the back of the brain, I cant believe you told your boyfriend I was insane
What my love was not enough for our relationship to maintain,

I admit i did some crazy things jumped off the balcony and scraped my knees
I'm sorry that my Lowly circumstances couldn't fill your needs and I promise you I didn't scrape his car with those keys

I may have some some dreams about beating your boyfriend to death with your grandmas cane,
I cant believe you told your boyfriend I was insane, I cant hold back these feelings for you they wont be tamed

I called you 15times this week i know you don't answer when hes around, If I was over there Id take the phone and beat his head to the ground, thought our love was heavy weight guess I was missing a pound

you think you love him like the grass loves the rain, I cant believe you told your boyfriend I was insane
even now I picture the spike you put in me and jamming it write through the back of his brain.

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Friday the 13th

I was born on Friday the 13th and I've had nothing but bad luck.
Last week I got struck by lightning and today I got hit by a truck.
A safe flattened my head and things are not fine.
Now people run because they think I'm Frankenstein.
Last year my dad kicked me in the crotch because I stepped on a crack.
Believe it or not, it actually broke my mother's back.
When my dad kicked me in the crotch, my testicles actually bled.
If you were born on Friday the 13th, you'd better get back in bed.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This is a fictional poem.

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For Justin

Folder: 
Silly Poems

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sugar is sweet
And so are you

That's so cliche
I think I'll redo
This cheesy poem
It stinks like poo

Roses are red
Violets are purple
I can't think of anything
That rhymes with purple

Feta is white
Cheddar is orange
Crap, I forgot
Nothing rhymes with orange

Point is, JT,
I love you to bits
More than enough
To let you grab my

I love you enough
To write you a poem
.... Jesus Christ
I'm so bad at rhyming

I like odd numbers
Six stanzas is not
Finally, a rhymable word
Hot dot lot knot

Author's Notes/Comments: 

A poem I wrote for mine and my boyfriend's one-year anniversary. It's really goofy but I love it. :D

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INTEND UH-OH!

 

             INTEND   UH – OH!   

                                       Edward  Iacona

                          

 

If one wants to improve their life

There is no need to grouse or curse

All one needs to do is harness,

The power of the universe.

 

Be in on the public secret

And have your star on the ascension,

Just master the mysterious magic

Of “Attraction” and “Intention”.

 

There are books and seminars

That will help get what you want.

Follow the instructions and your life

Becomes like a buffet restaurant.

 

According to the advocates

There is nothing that encumbers

One from getting a parking space

To the winning lottery numbers.

 

Those that professionally preach this thought

Can live in the land of milk and honey

While their followers intentions may come to naught

They have found their secret to making money.

 

I walked in meditation for a lovely life

So clear in my minds eye view,

When dog’s biodegradable offense became

A metaphor attracted to my shoe.

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