humour

Uncle Dan's Will


Uncle Dan wrote out his will,

All legal-like and proper.

He knew he'd not much time to kill

Before he'd come a cropper!


He'd truly lived a merry life

And led us all a dance.

He never took himself a wife,

But loved a good romance.


A ladies' man he'd always been,

And when the will was read,

Several females graced the scene

To hear just what was said.


All those women came away

With trifling bits and pieces,

But old Dan's fortune on that day

Went to his darling nieces!


Copyright © Robert Haigh 2017






 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

They say that blood is thicker than water!

View silver_birch's Full Portfolio

Reading Poetry Out Loud

My wife has gone out

with a girlfriend for the day,

so I sit and read

some of my favourite poems 

out loud. Really loud!


Reading a poem out loud

brings out the musicality

of the piece.


I let my lungs rip into Larkin,

then follow with a foray

into Masefield's Mother Carey.


I stop for tea and a toasted tea-cake

before resuming with

Bukowski's Bluebird.


Then I venture into

Voltaire's vivid and varied verse.


I finish with a little levity,

letting out my inner lampoon,

laughing like a lunatic

at Lear's Limericks!


Then my wife arrives home

and asks, "What have you

been doing with yourself?"


"Oh, just reading quietly

in the corner," 

I reply.


Copyright © Robert Haigh 2017








Author's Notes/Comments: 

The only time I read poetry out loud is when my wife goes out!

View silver_birch's Full Portfolio

Sally and Ben

Ben was kinda rough around the edges,

But Sally didn't care.

He came without promises or pledges,

But at least he was there.


She'd loved many men in her time, and yet

None had treated her well.

Would Ben turn out to be a better bet?

Now only time would tell.


Three things in Ben's favour: he neither drank,

Nor smoked, nor chased women.

So for those three things alone Sally could thank

Her lucky stars. Amen!


Much more than that, Ben sure was a cute one;

Sal saw that from the start.

She loved him like her only son;

Yes —


That kitten stole her heart!


Copyright © Robert Haigh 2017











God's Great Masterpiece

When God created mothers

He made them stronger than all others

(Including fathers, uncles, nephews and brothers).


He gave all mothers nerves of steel

To cope with young kids who squeal,

And older ones who argue a great deal.


He gave each mother a heart of gold

Containing great love untold,

Never to be bought or sold.


And He also made sure 

That a mother's touch could cure

All cuts and abrasions, whether large or obscure.


And then, as if to disarm

Our fear and alarm,

God gave all mothers a homely, earthly charm.


We take mothers for granted, when really we shouldn't;

And to manage without them we know we just couldn't.

I hate to admit all this, but then, what man wouldn't?!


Copyright © Robert Haigh 1997




 



 

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

The photograph is of my wife and our youngest son.

View silver_birch's Full Portfolio

A Tale of Two Mirrors

The mirror that hung in the hall

Posed problems, for you and for me.

Although it looked chic on the wall 

On that point we both could agree.


But you said, "This just will not do!

I can't see my nose nor my mouth!

I put this proposal to you 

We move this thing six inches south!"

 

I looked in the mirror and said,

"I'm sorry but I don't agree.

I can't see the top of my head!

The mirror needs raising, you see."


These problems were quickly resolved,

With only a soupçon of thought.

Some outlay was clearly involved 

A much LARGER mirror was bought!


copyright © Robert Haigh 2018

 

 

 


 

View silver_birch's Full Portfolio

Where are you?

Where are you?

By jfarrell

 

Jim….. Jim….. JIM!!!!

Where are you?

 

“sorry, was racing my dinosaur through the Martian forest;

Trying to evade the two assassins, after my bounty…..)

 

Oops! Sorry, was polishing spoons….

Bing! (eyes widen and sparkle)

Big shiny SHINY smile…

With all the noises of a grand-grand-grandfather clock going off…

I raise my head….

SNAP….

And it drops to my chest..

 

My fontanel slides open,

A million ants emerge and erect a scaffold around my shoulders

And a giant, bright pink crane

Raises my head fully

 

“yes, sir. What were you saying?”

I mumble, as I stupidly hand you some spoons to polish.

 

Jim, where are you?

“I’m at work, handing you spoons, aren’t I?”

No! You’re in the laundrette, in your underwear again…. dancing…

I really gotta get more sleep… don’t know what day it is…

 

Nevermind where I am.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

a bit of fun

View suicideslug's Full Portfolio

I’m not the messiah.. (he’s a…)

I’m not the messiah.. (he’s a…)

     By jfarrell

 

 

(thank you, monty python)

 

I am not the messiah;

I hope you know that….

I too stupid to be anything other than honest.

 

Instead of wallowing here, in this hole…

I could sweet-talk old ladies outta their savings;

But that would make me feel bad.

 

A way with words is, apparently, the only real skill I have;

And for someone who doesn’t talk a lot,

I can be very careless with words.

 

I could easily make a suicide cult :)

But I imagine the pay is disappointing;

And the perks… shagging everything I want

 

Not really me,

Though,sometimes, I sorely wish it was;

Everyone, die on my command.

 

I can see how that would appeal.

You read my ramblings

And I feel, YES, I AM, but I don’t want the job.

 

Why do you read me?

I am nothing, a mote upon the wind of the cosmos;

But so many of you read my stuff

 

And say nice things;

And, sometimes, scarey things?

Please tell me why, I am nothing.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

and i'm not a very naughty boy, either :) well, that website doesn't count...

View suicideslug's Full Portfolio

The slug slimes back

The slug slimes back

By jfarrell

 

I did a trial shift at a peri-peri chicken store;

It didn’t work out;

After cutting my thumb

I just felt like a case of mass food poisoning waiting to happen;

And seeing how swiftly I nearly bethumbed myself

Serious physical harm to my colleagues

Was also a possibility;

I learnt

My future does not lie in cooking.

 

I also, once worked a shift as telephone operator,

For a cab firm; a Friday night;

Between my “h…h.hh… hello…p….p…and…..”

And my manager shouting at me to stop stuttering

After I again put the phone down with nothing to write down;

They paid me off that night, “never come back”

I don’t blame them

But the next week they closed down!

I feel my stutter put a cab firm out of business;

I reckon answering telephones is not a good career choice.

 

I did cook for my nursery once; 100 or so children;

That went very well :)

Halfway through my cooking chilli con carne

I was asked if I’ve soaked the kidney beans? Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

McDonald’s all round.

 

And my first primary school trip,

With me as the leader;

Think we wrecked Madam Twoswords

(and I know it spelt wrong, too lazy to get correct spelling)

 

Hope this has been more lighthearted

Than my recent output

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

who you gonna call? "slugbusters"

View suicideslug's Full Portfolio

Boris Johnson as Delboy Trotter

Boris Johnson as Delboy Trotter

By JFarrell

 

“El dolce est decorum…” he says

Waving a hand nonchalantly

Just because he uses Latin phrases

Doesn’t mean he’s using them correctly

Like Delboy with his French phrases

And his ridiculous heavy south London accent

The pronunciation exaggerated his ignorance

Of what he was saying;

Boris uses a posh accent

And everyone falls for the super-intelligence act.

 

If “Allo, Allo”, “Only Fools and Horses”

And “Upstairs, Downstairs” had a love child

Boris would be it.

 

Don’t laugh

With how our current prime minister is doing

He could be our next Prime Minister

Leading demand for a second referendum on Europe

Leading the Remain campaign

And he’d probably end up

The most popular prime minister ever

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

welcome President Boris Johnson