humour

Sally and Ben

Ben was kinda rough around the edges,

But Sally didn't care.

He came without promises or pledges,

But at least he was there.


She'd loved many men in her time, and yet

None had treated her well.

Would Ben turn out to be a better bet?

Now only time would tell.


Three things in Ben's favour: he neither drank,

Nor smoked, nor chased women.

So for those three things alone Sally could thank

Her lucky stars. Amen!


Much more than that, Ben sure was a cute one;

Sal saw that from the start.

She loved him like her only son;

Yes —


That kitten stole her heart!


Copyright © Robert Haigh 2017











God's Great Masterpiece

When God created mothers

He made them stronger than all others

(Including fathers, uncles, nephews and brothers).


He gave all mothers nerves of steel

To cope with young kids who squeal,

And older ones who argue a great deal.


He gave each mother a heart of gold

Containing great love untold,

Never to be bought or sold.


And He also made sure 

That a mother's touch could cure

All cuts and abrasions, whether large or obscure.


And then, as if to disarm

Our fear and alarm,

God gave all mothers a homely, earthly charm.


We take mothers for granted, when really we shouldn't;

And to manage without them we know we just couldn't.

I hate to admit all this, but then, what man wouldn't?!


Copyright © Robert Haigh 1997




 



 

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

The photograph is of my wife and our youngest son.

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A Tale of Two Mirrors

The mirror that hung in the hall

Posed problems, for you and for me.

Although it looked chic on the wall 

On that point we both could agree.


But you said, "This just will not do!

I can't see my nose nor my mouth!

I put this proposal to you 

We move this thing six inches south!"

 

I looked in the mirror and said,

"I'm sorry but I don't agree.

I can't see the top of my head!

The mirror needs raising, you see."


These problems were quickly resolved,

With only a soupçon of thought.

Some outlay was clearly involved 

A much LARGER mirror was bought!


copyright © Robert Haigh 2018

 

 

 


 

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Where are you?

Where are you?

By jfarrell

 

Jim….. Jim….. JIM!!!!

Where are you?

 

“sorry, was racing my dinosaur through the Martian forest;

Trying to evade the two assassins, after my bounty…..)

 

Oops! Sorry, was polishing spoons….

Bing! (eyes widen and sparkle)

Big shiny SHINY smile…

With all the noises of a grand-grand-grandfather clock going off…

I raise my head….

SNAP….

And it drops to my chest..

 

My fontanel slides open,

A million ants emerge and erect a scaffold around my shoulders

And a giant, bright pink crane

Raises my head fully

 

“yes, sir. What were you saying?”

I mumble, as I stupidly hand you some spoons to polish.

 

Jim, where are you?

“I’m at work, handing you spoons, aren’t I?”

No! You’re in the laundrette, in your underwear again…. dancing…

I really gotta get more sleep… don’t know what day it is…

 

Nevermind where I am.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

a bit of fun

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I’m not the messiah.. (he’s a…)

I’m not the messiah.. (he’s a…)

     By jfarrell

 

 

(thank you, monty python)

 

I am not the messiah;

I hope you know that….

I too stupid to be anything other than honest.

 

Instead of wallowing here, in this hole…

I could sweet-talk old ladies outta their savings;

But that would make me feel bad.

 

A way with words is, apparently, the only real skill I have;

And for someone who doesn’t talk a lot,

I can be very careless with words.

 

I could easily make a suicide cult :)

But I imagine the pay is disappointing;

And the perks… shagging everything I want

 

Not really me,

Though,sometimes, I sorely wish it was;

Everyone, die on my command.

 

I can see how that would appeal.

You read my ramblings

And I feel, YES, I AM, but I don’t want the job.

 

Why do you read me?

I am nothing, a mote upon the wind of the cosmos;

But so many of you read my stuff

 

And say nice things;

And, sometimes, scarey things?

Please tell me why, I am nothing.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

and i'm not a very naughty boy, either :) well, that website doesn't count...

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The slug slimes back

The slug slimes back

By jfarrell

 

I did a trial shift at a peri-peri chicken store;

It didn’t work out;

After cutting my thumb

I just felt like a case of mass food poisoning waiting to happen;

And seeing how swiftly I nearly bethumbed myself

Serious physical harm to my colleagues

Was also a possibility;

I learnt

My future does not lie in cooking.

 

I also, once worked a shift as telephone operator,

For a cab firm; a Friday night;

Between my “h…h.hh… hello…p….p…and…..”

And my manager shouting at me to stop stuttering

After I again put the phone down with nothing to write down;

They paid me off that night, “never come back”

I don’t blame them

But the next week they closed down!

I feel my stutter put a cab firm out of business;

I reckon answering telephones is not a good career choice.

 

I did cook for my nursery once; 100 or so children;

That went very well :)

Halfway through my cooking chilli con carne

I was asked if I’ve soaked the kidney beans? Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

McDonald’s all round.

 

And my first primary school trip,

With me as the leader;

Think we wrecked Madam Twoswords

(and I know it spelt wrong, too lazy to get correct spelling)

 

Hope this has been more lighthearted

Than my recent output

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

who you gonna call? "slugbusters"

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Boris Johnson as Delboy Trotter

Boris Johnson as Delboy Trotter

By JFarrell

 

“El dolce est decorum…” he says

Waving a hand nonchalantly

Just because he uses Latin phrases

Doesn’t mean he’s using them correctly

Like Delboy with his French phrases

And his ridiculous heavy south London accent

The pronunciation exaggerated his ignorance

Of what he was saying;

Boris uses a posh accent

And everyone falls for the super-intelligence act.

 

If “Allo, Allo”, “Only Fools and Horses”

And “Upstairs, Downstairs” had a love child

Boris would be it.

 

Don’t laugh

With how our current prime minister is doing

He could be our next Prime Minister

Leading demand for a second referendum on Europe

Leading the Remain campaign

And he’d probably end up

The most popular prime minister ever

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

welcome President Boris Johnson

Inspired by English exercise to write a news report

Inspired by English exercise to write a news report

 

In an astounding interview yesterday the Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson, apologised for his involvement in the Brexit campaign.

He said “It is clear people were misled badly over the consequences of Brexit. I deeply and humbly apologize for my role in this deception and will do all I can to fix the mess I’ve made.”

He went on to say that he feels it is his “responsibility” to initiate a vote of “no confidence” in the Prime Minister, Teresa May. “In these times of crisis, it is clear that my Right honourable friend is not up to the task of providing the “strong and stable leadership” we need. El dolce est decorum… or some other meaningless Latin expression to baffle the stupid.”

When asked how he intends to fix it, he answered “I will urge for a second referendum and lead the Remain campaign.”

In response to this announcement LBC presenter and former UKIP leader, Nigel Farage, dragged himself away from his pint to say “I think it is a very noble and courageous act that Boris has performed today. It is bravery like this that demands my full support and convinces me that Boris would be an excellent prime minister.”

Michael Gove was unavailable for comment, though he could be heard screaming “Devious bastard!” from within his parliamentary office.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

breaking news...

I say, I say, about this book….

I say, I say, about this book….

By JFarrell

 

I say, I say, about this book…..

Look at that mountain,

Does it look like I write books?

 

Oh, please forgive me,

You probably do not recognise me,

It has been a long while.

I’m God, so pleased to make your acquaintance,

I designed this little paradise,

Quite a while a go.

 

Then got called out on a job;

After all, one has to pay one’s bills.

Forgot all about this place.

 

I was driving home listening to Radio 4’s Christian hour,

What a secret pleasure, rather like listening to Monty Python on acid;

Laughed so much, nearly rear-ended the police car in front of me.

But, about this book….

 

I do not write books,

I make mountains, and I create microscopic snowflakes,

Why the hell would I write a book?

 

Look around you,

Every mountain, flower, cloud, living creature, raindrop, snowflake and rainbow,

If you can’t see “I love you” written there,

LEARN TO READ!

 

I did not write this book.

MEN wrote this book.

 

 

Just a bit of fun :)

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

harmless bit of fun

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