funny

Polite Bank Robber

When I rob banks, the tellers panic with fright.

But I'm not a mean thief, I'm always polite.

When I demand money from the tellers, I always say please.

So far I'm a crook that the Police haven't been able to seize.

One bank teller was a man who wore a wig and a dress, he was a Transvestite.

The jerk severed my pinky finger when he grabbed my hand and gave it a bite.

I was way too polite to shoot him for it.

I grabbed my finger and as I drove to the hospital, I decided to floor it.

Right now I'm in Kansas and I'm robbing a bank in the town of Wichita.

The Cops just walked in, I'm finally going to be apprehended by the Law.

I'm so polite that I've never been able to be tough.

I'm crying like a baby as the Cops slap on the cuffs.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This is a fictional poem.

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Craptop

Many years ago I bought a laptop.

It's so outdated, I call it a craptop.

I want to sell it but nobody wants it because it's eighteen years old.

I'm asking a quarter for it at my yard sale but it still hasn't been sold.

When I sold a rod and reel, I offered to throw in the laptop for free.

But the guy told me to shove it up my ass because it only has 2 Megabytes of Memory.

If it was a person, it would be old enough to get married, vote and smoke.

This prehistoric thing doesn't even have a CD-Rom Drive and that's no joke.

This thing is so frustrating, it takes twenty minutes for it to get on Ebay.

Nobody wants this damn thing, the garbage men won't even take it away!

If you want to buy my laptop, I'll sell it to you for a nickel.

I can tell that you don't want it either, I sure am a pickle.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This is a fictional poem.

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Today In The News

Atrractive beautician captures dragon eggs. 

Festival grandma humbs idol Jew. 

Killer lizards nom majestically on pubescent queen. 

Restive secretary treats underserved veteran.

Western xtra-terrestrial yanks zebratail.

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Shy Guy

I drop them like hot cakes.

I have to be in the mood for hot cakes.

Regardless I get them for free.

With little effort.

It’s like getting clothes for free when you’re rich.

You don’t need it but they want their clothes to gain reputation.

Was once a shy guy.

Until I found my gift.

My curse.

My bad.

Gained character.

Was known as prince charming.

She was sleeping beauty.

The beauty in my first dreams.

My ego with a giraffe neck.

Hit one pass.

Hit the next pass.

I’m Johnny on draft day

Except

I decline the contract after a couple of weeks.

“I ain’t nothing but a nigga ain’t no reason to pretend”.

Take it in.

I’ll coach a whole team of players.

This is the try outs

But everyone gets cut.

They all have potential.

Instead of them doing suicides.

I’m the one running.

Ironic.

 

 

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EGGY GREG

A boy named Greg was born one day

But in a most unusual way

The boy was born without a head

But with a chickens egg instead.

 

Though doctors came from far and wide

The cause was not indentified

Each doctor saying "miss,young Greg

im sorry wiil remain an egg.

 

In such a case no cure exists

but call us if he hatches miss".

His mum was further upset when

The neighbours named her 'Mother Hen' ..

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I Dreamt I was a Jedi

I dreamt I was a Jedi

Strong with the Force was I

Hung out with Han and Yoda 

and had a helluva time

 

Drank whiskey with a Wookie

then drunk-flew to Naboo

Got a tattoo on Tatooine

with my homey R2D2

 

We hyper-spaced to the Death Star

to look up dear old dad

(if you don't count the whole 'Sith Lord thing',

he's really not that bad.)

 

I dreamt I was a Jedi

Kenobi called the shots

ANOTHER text from Padme?

I think she has the hots.

(for me!)

 

The Jedi order was shrinking

It was practically extinct

I suppose it could be so much worse

I could be Jar Jar Binks

 

I toboganned down the slopes of Hoth

had a time share on Alderon

Got bitch-slapped in an asteroid field

then brunched with wise Qui-Gon

 

The Emperor was a buzz kill

Jabba was kind of a creep

Leia was fun, I liked her buns

Count Dooku was way...too...deep.

 

I dreamt I was a Jedi

A master I would stay

A long, long time ago

In a galaxy far, far away.

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The Hoarding Song

Folder: 
Funny by Me

The Hoarding Song


Yes, I'm a Hoarder-and my life ain't complete..

   without boxes to the ceiling, and cat poop on my feet...

I wondered just the other day

what is that putrid smell?

I only counted 19 cats...it must be Jezebel!

Laughing

Oh, I'm a Hoarder-and the only space I have

is a tiny little clean spot on my cat stained mattress pad...

And I sleep pretty good at night,

and mostly through the day...

strangely my only plight? 

They wanna throw my stuff away!

Laughing

When Christmas time comes once again, 

I'll feel safe and happy here...

And once Jezebel stops stinkin'

come get yer presents, Dear!

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endless thoughts

Thinking through thoughts I thought of thinking through.

Though, thinking through thoughtless thoughts is thought to be thinking thoughtfully.

So thoughtfully, I'm thoughtfully thinking through thoughtless thoughts thought to be thoughtless only to think of more thoughtful thoughts. Only thinking through thoughtless thoughts can more thoughtful thoughts be thought.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I hope this brought a smile to your face Smile

HOSPITAL DRIVE THRU

Yesterday I heard on the news a story quite bizarre 

It seems a girl was shot in the head and her boyfriend put her in the car

 

Only he didn’t drive to the hospital, perhaps he was under too much strain

No, he ended up at a fast food restaurant...yep, in the Checkers drive thru lane

 

It was there he called the hospital and the story found it’s resolution

But it occurred to me perhaps by accident he hit on a health care plan solution.

 

What if all our hospitals from California to Vermont

Were not isolated buildings but connected to fast food restaurants?

 

Is there anyone who hasn’t lingered in a hospital emergency room?

Wouldn’t the wait go better with some fast food to consume?

 

Just think of the incentives...Our hospital offers you a deal

If you visit us for any ailment...you get a Happy Meal.

 

She’s having trouble breathing, there’s something leaking from her eyes

And while we’re waiting how about a double burger and an order of large fries.

 

I’ve been shot, I’m bleeding, and my chest and shoulder ache

But I could sure could go for a McFlurry and a double chocolate shake.

 

Ever since I woke up all I do is cough and sneeze

Am I still in time to order two breakfast biscuits one with chicken, one with cheese?

 

I need some Botox added to my lips and some fat drained from my thighs.

Yes I’ll have a number 6 and can you make that super size!

 

You don’t have to worry about paying us now, just come on in and get your fill

We’ll add the price of your treatment to the total on your bill.

 

When we order that big bacon cheeseburger with fries on our birthday

Wouldn’t it be nice to know, after we eat it, we’ll have a place to stay.

 

Because, if you think about it so many people in this country eat fast food every day

That sooner or later they’re going to end up in the hospital anyway.

 

With our arteries being clogged up from these fast food dinners and snacks

It’s pretty apparent most of us will die from a stroke or heart attack.

 

3500 people die in hospitals each day- and the way we eat that numbers bound to grow

 

But if your hospital carried fast food...what a wonderful way to go!

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