panic

Breakdown

Folder: 
Haiku

We are cracking.

Our blood and stress and tears

Are drowning us all.

Panic

Folder: 
Poetry

Back to 12.5’s and cans of food, they won’t let me have any more booze.

Devils, demons, and voices swirling in my head too paranoid to sleep in my bed.

Panic attacks, never knew them before, now I know them a whole lot more.

Panic attacks I leap out of my bed to stay calm, but go for a smoke instead.

Hopefully the extra voices and paranoia are not here to stay, but the panic is something new, for a change I can’t see a way through.

The Doctor says to cut down on caffeine and Red Bull, and this would help calm me.

But because they won’t let me have anymore booze, I like a Red Bull to ease by blues.

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Fear

Sitting with my thoughts all alone,

Doing bad things when I am home.

I did try to do more than just hurt myself yesterday,

I'm at the moment not really doing okay.

Knowing I'll feel like a burden if I ask for a helping hand,

Also knowing if I do I'll perhaps have a better option as to where to land.

Mind spinning in racing circles like a tornado,

I do still have some hope that someday I will get better though.

I have been trying real hard,

But my racing thoughts keep running around in my mind, in the yard.

At home I try to act alright,

When I am isolating in my room it's a fight.

Will I ever win this battle I'm in?

Will I ever think I'm no longer a victim?

What a complete mess I've been.

At this moment I feel I'll never get better,

At least I have started writing others a goodbye letter.

The emotions I am feeling,

They are keeping me from healing.

I am full of fears,

Will those fears continue for the rest of my days and maybe years?

Drowning

Heavy

Dragging me 
Away from the light. 
Spinning
My head around in circles.
Losing bubbles
Sinking oxygen pockets
and slicing through my O2
The wash cycle was cut short
Due to leakage
In the rustic pipes
Dilated pupils can't 
Seem to focus on 
what's    IN    f o c u s 
The lens is cracked 
All but one second to spare
The last cough of the lung 
Filtered water is less natural
Boiling water bursts over the pot
then salt mixes 
 the whole floats
away with the current 
Grainy bottom with slippery kelp 
Await at the end of this endeavor 
But until that end the 
Subconscious stream will go
Alongside a noisy cold stream 
Maybe intertwining every so often
Finding a natural peace 
Frantic turns to tranquil 
In near minutes 
Then a white noise 
Flatline 
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Breakfast Scramble

 

Burning
Crispy and flaky
Always screaming
Where does the time run to?
A peel here 
And a scrape there 
Spreading on thin
What seems to accomplish the morning
What can all be put into a little cup
Of happiness? 
NO
Comfort?
NO
But closure; [[end task]]  
We cringe and boil into a frenzy
If motion isn't in our favor
what if we paused for one second
To give the clocks hands a break
So our nucleus can replenish
To Allow cells to renovate the mitochondria  
If we cracked open the shell 
took out the cholesterol 
We could see a more vivid bake 
Flipping and pouring out what contents we wished to have results for 
Pressing down on a home slice
Then buttering em up for the crowd
Pressure makes combustion
Be careful what you steam and strain
You don't want raw
But overcooked is trashy 
Pressure could create a hard soul 
On the other hand
That can't be broken or scathed 
In which were in 50/50 odds 
With our gods 
More or less rips in the seams let in 
Sunlight but also darkness
Fruit ripen then rot when kept away from the world regardless of good or bad company
Rambles scramble lingo into jargon
And Mumbo jumbo into conspiracy 
What we have is
what we got 
But what we want is
what we can make happen 
~~~~~~~

Anxiety pill

Clocks slow to a crawl time creeps it's deceit 

Some days lack ambition no spring in my seat

Pounding heart sure to cave won't endure it's fatigued

Need mighty endowment strength stability proceed

 

This pen hits the paper racing heart slowly calms

I believe in my words the sweat dries from my palms

Trembling hands quieten be sturdy as steel

I take a deep breath... Now to enjoy how I feel

Shane Aaron

Dec 7 2013

who am i?

 

when all confidence has left you,

and you feel bereft of love,

forsaken by those who claimed they cared,

that's when i'll fit you like a glove.

 

i'll wait behind your neediness,

and use arrogance, he's my friend,

i'll have you projecting all of me 

onto children, women, and men.

 

that's when i do my finest work,

and all of me i'll bring,

when others up and leave you,

i'll infect you, and do my thing.

 

my presence will be cunning,

my manipulation sly,

i'll have you wrapped around me,

you won't even ask yourself why.

 

the more of you i can consume,

the larger we become,

to contaminate all is what i want,

'cause YOUR pain, to me, is FUN!

 

a fiendish scowling wimp, you see,

a psychopath, my dear,

enjoying all your suffering,

your kidnapper...i'm fear.

 

 

 

 

10:07 AM 6/22/2013 ©

Author's Notes/Comments: 

the only thing to ever fear, is fear itself. ~franklin d. roosevelt~

 

and that's the truth.

 

.

Fear's House Of Mirrors

fear is the king 

 

of a coward's delight,

 

fear rules illusions

 

that cloud all fools' sight,

 

fear wants compliance

 

adoration and praise,

 

fear becomes arrogance

 

when you challenge his gaze,

 

turning the tables around 

 

can be bliss,

 

when I make friends with fear

 

his intentions I twist,

 

fear uses everyone

 

and makes them his slaves,

 

fear turns the souls 

 

of some dead in their graves,

 

fear teases weaknesses 

 

of youth and of old,

 

fear changes hearts of warmth

 

into stone cold,

 

fear is the god 

 

that brings glory to killing,

 

fear is the god 

 

that makes the spineless willing,

 

motivation of many is controlled by fear,

 

due to principles twisted,

 

and virtues unclear,

 

many will use fear,

 

unwilling to see,

 

their fears are controlling them

 

clear as can be,

 

if ever you see one who 

 

worries too much,

 

believe it is fear that is

 

gaining their trust,

 

 

fear is a mirror


when we've lost our way,

 

that tells us "forget love, honey...


I'm your hero...please stay?"

 

misguided people fall into fear's rut,

 

they slip and fall in,


losing touch with their gut,

 

banish your worries


and live in the now,

 

To strongarm your fears,


honeybun, this is how!!

 

 

6:57 PM 6/19/2013 ©

 
Author's Notes/Comments: 

Part of a Collaberation

Want Some?

the dream in my head is dark and scary.
i'm afraid to sleep.
the fear pauses my heart beats.
if your dreams are messages from your sub-conscious,
then i need help fast!

my exhaustion is tearing me down quickly.
even opening my eyes is making me weary.
i don't want to dive into my thoughts,
in case i drown in their darkness.

blood, red lights flicker and dim, exposed brick walls,
like a set of a B horror film.
i'm confused, dazed, and lost.
i feel disconnected from myself,
like i'm on autopilot.
i watch myself stabbing something over and over again.
the expression on my face is one of glee.
i watch me enjoy the blood splattering onto every surface.
what the hell bleeds this much?

i awake panicked and dripping in sweat.
how could i enjoy such a murderous rage?
i do giggle when i hold a large knife,
but i thought that was because i saw my reflection in the blade.
i am concerned there's another reason,
some deep seated madness waiting to escape.
another night spent pacing instead of resting.

is it a nightmare taunting me?
do i dare force myself to see what i am stabbing?
i feel fragile, like i'm on the edge of some great discovery or doom.
can there be truth here that will heal me?
i decide to medicate.
i take the pills praying for a dreamless deep sleep.

i'm back again!
same place, now i smell something rotting.
i feel the heat of something burning.
i'm not stabbing anymore.
i'm eating, an arm, ew!
i look up at me and extend myself an offer,
"want some?"
i feel myself recoil and shake my head no,
i continue to tell myself,
"it's fatty, but that's why it taste so good well done."
i look over a the corner, and there i am,
stabbed dead, minus an arm,
what the fuck have i done?

i wake up shaking and screaming.
i'm horrified.
i killed myself and i'm eating myself?
what does that mean???
i'm afraid to guess.
am i going to destroy myself?
another night spent pacing instead of racing.
i fear the night now!