panic

Want Some?

the dream in my head is dark and scary.
i'm afraid to sleep.
the fear pauses my heart beats.
if your dreams are messages from your sub-conscious,
then i need help fast!

my exhaustion is tearing me down quickly.
even opening my eyes is making me weary.
i don't want to dive into my thoughts,
in case i drown in their darkness.

blood, red lights flicker and dim, exposed brick walls,
like a set of a B horror film.
i'm confused, dazed, and lost.
i feel disconnected from myself,
like i'm on autopilot.
i watch myself stabbing something over and over again.
the expression on my face is one of glee.
i watch me enjoy the blood splattering onto every surface.
what the hell bleeds this much?

i awake panicked and dripping in sweat.
how could i enjoy such a murderous rage?
i do giggle when i hold a large knife,
but i thought that was because i saw my reflection in the blade.
i am concerned there's another reason,
some deep seated madness waiting to escape.
another night spent pacing instead of resting.

is it a nightmare taunting me?
do i dare force myself to see what i am stabbing?
i feel fragile, like i'm on the edge of some great discovery or doom.
can there be truth here that will heal me?
i decide to medicate.
i take the pills praying for a dreamless deep sleep.

i'm back again!
same place, now i smell something rotting.
i feel the heat of something burning.
i'm not stabbing anymore.
i'm eating, an arm, ew!
i look up at me and extend myself an offer,
"want some?"
i feel myself recoil and shake my head no,
i continue to tell myself,
"it's fatty, but that's why it taste so good well done."
i look over a the corner, and there i am,
stabbed dead, minus an arm,
what the fuck have i done?

i wake up shaking and screaming.
i'm horrified.
i killed myself and i'm eating myself?
what does that mean???
i'm afraid to guess.
am i going to destroy myself?
another night spent pacing instead of racing.
i fear the night now!

Plighted Knight

Have you been through barren wind lashing landscape to a place where the only pleasure is pain?
Have you swept through grand illusions of mountainous peaks, romantically doused in valleys?
Have you throbbed and whetted painfully soaking in an untouchable Mire of frenzy in enstasy?
Have you felt numbness broken by searing thoughts of pain-bloated vomittous purges bringing ecstasy?
Have you been so relieved, so rejoiced by knowing you still stir to feel wrapped in delusions so real?
Have you lost the last filtered longing rays of the loving light alone, wondering why so stark?
Have You toiled and panicked and sweated for hours when those illusions left you crying in the dark?
Have you taken to all the corners of your mind digging for the recesses of the lost corners of your light?
Have you schemed and plotted and travelled to chase a glint of memory through the endless night?
Have you burned your eyes in desperation sending beams of longing soul light through those windows?
Have you traced the walls of imagined heights scraping your fingers to the bone, looking for a crack?
Have you forgotten your God, reinvented your religion and realigned the center of your universe in hope?
Have you burned your heart so brightly as a sacrifice in hopeless knowing it will be a lost beacon to the lost?
Then leave me, you can never know my plight.

 

An alternate is *then fuck off- I feel this is more protective but not in keeping with the rest of the work I guess I just have to choose wich one really is the true intent... A difficult conundrum.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

The traps of our mind are the most dangerous landscapes to travel. Need a better name -too tired to think if you have an idea youre welcome to share it and your opinion too, honesty is thoroughly appreciated. Thanks.

View ssmoothie's Full Portfolio