comedy

I'm Boss Hogg

I'm Boss Hogg and Rosco keeps trying to eat my food.

It's been my dream to see Daisy Duke in the nude.

The Duke boys keep fighting me because I'm a crook.

If you do business with me, you're going to get took.

Lulu is my wife and she's even fatter than me.

I'm going to hire a hitman so that I can be free.

It really bothers me because Rosco is my brother-in-law.

I puked all over the floor because Lulu just took off her bra.

Rosco can't catch the Duke boys, the souped up General Lee causes him to fail.

I will see Daisy naked and I won't rest until those Duke boys are in jail!

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This poem was inspired by The Dukes of Hazzard TV show which is my 2nd favorite TV show.

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Boom-Boom

Your body is like the the cab driver
grazing in heated seats, molten metal
amber amethyst. Your contour lines, your “hey there” sound.
lapis lazuli, the cool panama heat, the southern accent behind the driving wind, solely searching free pulsating breathless beauty grasping at the strands of windblown hair, perfection made slowly, powerfully
and also I enjoy the way that your butt feels when we boom-boom


I long for your patient pull
binding rage
cubist, tearing, latent force
your bracing arms supporting asunder the corinth columns of
killing fields of beauty, shouting matches burn my name, her words
filtered cannon, bracing fire, barring the doors to the speak-easy, leaving nothing but
yes, I scream, in torrid thunder, eyes assuming, tidal studded coursing veins
and also I like the way that the side of your butt feels when we boom-boom


You claw across the painted room
Muddy topsoil, free-range, pulsating ripples of desiring
I, reproachful, standing slowly, sonic waves around, around
the die-cast feeling. “As seen on TV”, but I can't forget the way it felt
on top of overdoses, panting sallowed breathless lungs
scuttling the perfection that is your sordid keratin and fetid bones and the way you look in those genes
and also that one time we boom-boomed in the park felt great and I was just thinking about it today


Your eyes on fire
printer's cases, carpeted wonder
the smell and sound of napalm filling my room.
All I want to do
is to do boom-boom.

 

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"Religion"

by Jeph Johnson

 

When looking through the host of singles ads on the internet,
I came across one that said:

 

Religion: None

 

I wrote back, scolding her.
"Nones aren't supposed to be looking for dates," I said.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

2000 

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"Barely Legal"

by Jeph Johnson

 

The magazine buyer at the book store next door,

Brought me over a copy of the porn magazine

Barely Legal

A full five days before it was supposed to go on the shelf. 

 

I feel like some sinister, 

dirty old man  

 

Looking at it before street date

Makes it feel like the girls

Might still be seventeen

 

But that's a different magazine. 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

2000

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"Datsun of a Bitch"

by Jeph Johnson

 

even if they developed

a language
right above your tires

there'd still be
a lot of people
who couldn't

speak wheel well.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

2000, 2017 

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