parody

"Phoning Home (Planetarium)"

by Rex Songs

 

(melodic guitar intro)

 

Welcome to where we stand still
Walls don't move and never will.

 

(guitar building to crescendo)

 

Moon is full and then it changes;
Dimming stars, all different ranges.

 

(driving guitar)

 

See the same sky every night
Moving on the ceiling lights.

No comets, no shooting stars;
Just the night sky from your yard!

 

(more driving guitar)

 

Look my friend and you will see
The bright star that is ET's...

Every star on a dark night
With an odd projector light.

 

(guitar solo)

 

chorus:
Planetarium!

 

(crunching guitar noise)

 

See ET

 

Planetarium!!

 

(more crunching guitar)

 

Help ET Phone home!

 

(extremely fast guitar solo)

Author's Notes/Comments: 

parody of "Welcome Home (Sanitarium)" by Metallica, 1987, 2000

 

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An Open Letter to Sydney University

by DaddyO

 

WARNING: Sydney University and all other institutions using this or any other of my information from any adult pornographic site for projects - You do have permission to use my profile information and likeness in any form or forum both current and future as long as you address me as:

 

"The Almighty Daddy-O, King of the Uber-Daddy Doms"

 

If you don't follow this rule to the letter, you will not only be considered a pervert and you might rot in Hell for all eternity, but it will be also be considered a violation of my privacy and you will be subject to legal action.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

2010 

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I Am Proud Of My Antarctic Heritage

by DaddyO

 

PROLOGUE

I was born, raised and spent my formative years in Antarctica. My Mother was indeed the most beautiful woman in the world. I always wondered how she accomplished this but turns out it was simply genetic. Every woman from my country is drop dead gorgeous, or a "ten" as I recall from when men were comparing my Mom to Bo Derek back in the day.

 

When I lived there, it was a more innocent age. Antarctica was lush and green and feminine beauty was white as the snow. Every woman from my memory was youthful, sexy and innocent looking.

 

There were no personal computers...meaning no FetLife.

 

There were no cell phones...so there was no "sexting."

 

Hell I don't believe there were even any Hitachi Magic Wands!

 

And there wasn't any talk of "climate change" either.

 

But little did I know, there was to be a revolution: The sexual climate of my country was going to take a major turn...very soon!

 

THE ENEMY: AUSTRALIAN SEX STUDIES

You see, there are no colleges in Antarctica. The closest school of higher learning is the University of Sydney in Australia. The cool kids attended one of the Sydney Educational Colleges (AKA SECs).

 

Yes having SECs initiate you into the world just after high school graduation was common, at least for the first four years. But I wasn't a cool kid. I never had any SECs to learn from.

 

While it was no SECs for me, I am still grateful: just before the devastation, Mom, bless her soul, ended up leaving and moving us to the United States.

The American media refused to cover the story of the revolution, instead enlisting Sesame Street veteran Morgan Freeman to make grossly inaccurate propaganda films.

 

That is why I chose to make my recent journey back to my homeland to learn the truth and document the habits of the populace there. What I have found will astound you.

 

REASON FOR REVOLT

From memory I can say when I lived there, Antarctic sexual culture was harmonious and carefree. But this freedom was misunderstood by the rest of the world.

 

The Australian people felt there was a lull in the training and education of sexuality for the Antarctic people so the Sexual Education staff of the University of Sydney started a task force and called it the Sexual Education Department's Understated Creative Energy (SEDUCE). The intention was to send SEDUCE on a fact finding mission to Antarctica for the efforts of conducting studies of the habits of the people of Antarctica.

 

Unfortunately this "research" became a merciless invasion of the Antarctic people's privacy. Professors and students wanting a doctorate ravaged the lush terrain of Antarctica. The fact that every Antarctic female was insatiably horny and a "10" didn't help matters. The Sydney University invasion drove everyone underground! The land became barren and cold as ice!

 

The people of Antarctica had to do something so they passed very restrictive laws on Sydney University researchers. On websites like FetLife this is evidenced by those of us who still remember the horror, by the many online disclaimers you will see throughout the different FetLife members' "about me" section.

 

Since the laws were enacted, the graduation rate of Sydney University dropped drastically. In Sydney most university students, in order to get their degree, still need to do research and conduct surveys to get their thesis' done. In order for this to be sanctioned (but still frowned upon) in Antarctica, when they head there to do their research, they are instructed to wear a lanyard around their necks in order to identify themselves to the Antarctic people.

 

During the revolutionary years (circa 1982-present), Sydney University students were given conditional diplomas despite their research being incomplete. One-Thousand students "graduated" with the expectation that they complete their research in a less hostile and invasive manner.

 

Under the Sydney Educational Alumni Lanyard System (SEALS) these endeavors are finally being accomplished. It is a painstakingly slow process. Those who identify with the SEALS make regular travels back and forth from Australia to Antarctica. But due to this red tape, their research is very suspect. Hence another reason for my research.

 

MY ANTARCTICA

The Antarctic statesman Durango Duran wrote my homeland's national anthem while in exile in New Zealand. The song was suppressed in the rest of the world, and this tender ballad quickly faded into obscurity by the mid 1980s. In 1990 a well known British pop group (who idolized Duran so much they named their band after him) added their version of "My Antarctica" as a B-side to one of their singles, and to this day remains the only known recording of the song:

 

"My Antarctica"

by D. Duran


Once I thought that I was in control
But that was just another trick of fate
Playing with my life
There have been some times
I was so tied up
And I said to myself
Gotta break it all
But didn't really try
Two hearts beating in this place you've made
You know nothing changes my Antarctica
You can make your rhymes
And paint your rules
In black and white
For me to memorize
But never understand
And there will be time
For a thousand vows
Oh a thousand promises
We forgot
To be realized
Two hearts beating in this place you've made
You know nothing changes my Antarctica
One life pumping
We make love to make our heat
And we throb in my Antarctica
We'll keep the rhythm going
And we'll remember
We'll keep the laughter flowing
And we'll remember
We let the music jangle
And we'll remember
Two hearts beating in this place you've made
You know nothing changes my Antarctica
One life pumping
We make love to make our heat
And we throb in my Antarctica
Caught and sheltered this is what we made
You know I will stay here
In Antarctica
And you
Will stay here
With me

 

FODDER FOR THE FAP

The FetLife Antarctic Population (also known as FAP) at the time of this writing is well over 14,000 people. It consists almost entirely of drop dead gorgeous females who take on the role of the "reclusive exhibitionist." They have had no choice; the fact that Antarctic women have off the charts libidos as well as were driven underground, what would you expect from an overwhelming majority of them? They have insatiable exhibitionistic needs!

 

RECLUSIVE EXHIBITIONISM

These Reclusive Exhibitionistic Antarctic Ladies (REAL women) are proud of their status. Many indeed proclaim how REAL they are when you send them a message to get to know them.

 

Due to my absence from the SECs workshops, I was vanilla in my formative years and only acquired my kink status after most of my Antarctic heritage was forgotten. I still feel erotic joy hearing an Antarctic accent. It most closely resembles the inflection you hear in "babygirl talk" (not to be confused with "baby talk" which is that "ga-ga, goo-goo" stuff).

 

There are no cell phone towers or carriers in Antarctica, so the country relies exclusively on webcams rather than text messages for correspondence.

 

EXTRA NORMALCY

The male population of Antarctica is much smaller now (most hot moms moved the males out to places like the U.S. and Canada). Due to this, it has one of the largest percentage of the world's extra normal guys. These men have been vanilla as long as they can remember and come onto FetLife at night for no other reason than to stimulate their average libidos.

 

This nocturnal activity extends into the early morning, as noted by the percentage of Antarcticans in the People who are awake at 3:00 a.m. FetLife group and large percentage who identify as vampires or have a blood fetish.

 

The exhibitionistic needs of the female populace has made the men of Antarctica very paranoid. Not only do they have a fear that men from other parts of the world are going to take their women from them (there is proof that they are!), they themselves, being of such "extra normal" status, are not able to hook up with these Antarctic woman. Yearly efforts are undertaken, as documented in the Morgan Freeman film. Thankfully the life span of an Antarctic person is well past that of people in other parts of the world.

 

THE PLAGUE OF PARANOIA

Antarctic men seldom are truly kinky themselves and generally pick a FetLife D/s role out of a top hat.

 

It is a vicious circle for the Paranoid Extra Normal Guy Unconsciously Intimidated Nocturnally (PENGUIN). His paranoia and insistence on only corresponding with the REAL populace via webcam, coupled with the magnificent and near perfect conditions of Antarctica which allows the aging process to become non-existent for her, means these REAL women are nearly 100% single.

 

The ones who aren't generally have open relationships with husbands, Doms or Masters from other parts of the world. Indeed the median age of a REAL Antarctic women is 92, and this is considered the age in which the Antarctic female is at her most beautiful.

 

"And every year they embark on a nearly impossible journey to find a mate." ~Morgan Freeman, in one of the only accurate quotes from March of the Penguins

 

REAL women have high libidos and PENGUIN's have, as noted in the acronym, "extra normal" male libidos. This means sexual things are always going on en masse.

 

The PENGUIN's reclusive nature and unconscious naivety keep him holed up in his room interacting with REAL women all the time. The sexual practices of Antarctic people consist mostly of masturbation and, for the REAL woman; "two-girl shows."

 

OVERSEAS SEXUAL JUNKETS

Prostitution is illegal here too. But the business of cashing in on the sexuality of these amazingly sexy REAL woman is the main form of Antarctic commerce. Traditional "penis in vagina" sex by REAL women only occurs when men from other parts of the world use tokens to take them on traveling sex junkets.

 

These Junket Excursions Relying Kinetically On Financial Funding (JERKOFF) by men in the rest of the world, and the *Junket Aversions Relying Kinetically On Financial Funding" (JACKOFF) of the PENGUINS keeps the Antarctic economy booming.

 

THE ANTARCTIC NATIONAL ANTHEM

A closer analysis of the beautiful Antarctic national anthem's lyrics show the extent sexuality and the revolution has had on the Antarctic culture and mindset:

 

Once I thought that I was in control but that was just another trick of fate
(The first line of the song, sung by a PENGUIN, refers to the paranoia exhibited by the male populace about their women being taken away from them. The "trick of fate" is the desperation Antarcticans feel over the Sydney University plague.)

 

Playing with my life there have been some times I was so tied up and I said to myself gotta break it all but didn't really try.
(This references the underground exodus and also hints at the propensity of the Antarctican men's introversion and the Antarctic people's affinity towards BDSM- specifically "bondage" in this instance.)

 

Two hearts beating in this place you've made, you know nothing changes my Antarctica


You can make your rhymes, and paint your rules in black and white for me to memorize
(A nod to the lanyards and strict rules enacted as a result of the SEALS revolution.)

 

But never understand and there will be time for a thousand vows oh a thousand promises we forgot to be realized.
(Antarctic legend implies that the old more carefree days will return after all of the Sydney University students are able to graduate. At the time of the writing of the song, there was said to be "1,000" students who have useless "diplomas" and still pending graduations. Now, in 2013, the numbers are closer to 750)

 

Two hearts beating in this place you've made, you know nothing changes my Antarctica.

One life pumping, we make love to make our heat.
(Due to the climate change, Antarctica is now frigid and making love is a necessity more for warmth than procreative intentions.)

 

And we throb in my Antarctica. We'll keep the rhythm going.


And we'll remember. We'll keep the laughter flowing.


And we'll remember. We let the music jangle.


And we'll remember. Two hearts beating in this place you've made.
(The chants of "And we'll remember" references the Antarctic people's commitment to remembering the atrocities Sydney University has placed upon their way of life)

 

You know nothing changes my Antarctica. One life pumping. We make love to make our heat.

 

And we throb in my Antarctica. Caught and sheltered this is what we made.
(The shelter refers to the mass underground exodus)

 

You know I will stay here in Antarctica, and you will stay here with me.
(Every PENGUIN's wish is for the REAL women to stay forever in Antarctica and not take a JERKOFF cruise)

 

DURANGO DURAN'S LEGACY

This wasn't Durango Duran's only ode to Antarctica, seven years later the band who idolized him made a video about how the REAL Antarctic woman are so brazenly shipped overseas to develop D/s relationships and incorporated it in their "Electric Barbarella" music video. You should try to find it on YouTube. 

 

EPILOGUE

I only have one thing to declare: I am proud of my Antarctic heritage! It has made me who I am today.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

2013

It was common for kinksters on FetLife who wanted to remain anonymous to list their location as "Antarctica" and their age as high as possible (in the 90s). This practice was most commonly employed by extremely gorgeous webcam models.  This is what inspired this satirical "autobiographical" writing. 

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The Flying Nun Flies No More

Last week was the Flying Nun's last flight.

Last week she flew to an amazing height.

She flew into outer space and collided with the Sun.

It was the worst case of sunburn, she was well done.

She only weighed 90 pounds and she could fly because she was so thin.

But when we look up in the sky, we won't see Sister Bertrille ever again.

If she had survived, she would've screamed "Ouch!" because she would've been so sore.

The Flying Nun flew but she flies no more.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This poem is a parody of the TV show.

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I Got A Rock

On Halloween I always get a rock everywhere I go.

I decided to retaliate by throwing their rocks through their windows.

I never even get one piece of candy, that really blows.

I'm so ignorant that I cut my costume full of holes.

I look absolutely ridiculous and dorky in this stinking sheet, I don't even look like a ghost.

I'm paying people back for their unkindness, especially Lucy because she deserves it the most.

Last week Lucy told me to kick the football but I kicked her in the head.

She told her father and he started choking me, I thought I was dead.

When he got through strangling me, I dropped two Cherry Bombs down his pants.

I blew off his privates and now when he wants to give his wife some loving, he can't.

When people used to do mean things to me, they would laugh.

But now they treat me with respect to avoid my terrible wrath.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This poem is a parody of the Peanuts Comic Strip.

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Damned

Folder: 
Poems

I have been damned
I have been damned by the status quo

Yall' just see me up and go
To the cabinet to get my gat
I'm gonna have fun with a rattatat
All over your face; you know me, you know this place
This place of suffering and strife
You just need to get over your shitty life

I have been damned
I have been damned by society

Yall' just make me wanna up and scream
Talking on your phones as I walk by
Wouldn't even notice if I did a drive by
Ya'll might as well be dead and zombified
Your life is dead like a fucking drone
Cause you live your life on your fucking phone.

I have been damned
I have been damned by the government

They make me sick they should just repent
Upon their sins of the common man
They feed off the life blood of the damned
They feast off champagne while we fork spam
Living their life as if they're holy
Looking down upon us as if we're lowly

I have been damned
I have been damned by myself

Everything explodes around me as I sit on this shelf
Looking around at everything yet not participating
A dog's life in the chaos of this world salivating
Always busy but not doing shit;
I need to just get off my ass and do it.

As long as you watch the world go by, it never stops
This world is a stage and we are all merely props....

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Just some thoughts.  And having fun with punk/rap verses.

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"I Love Bree Sharp (Remix)"

Folder: 
Rex Songs' Remixes

by Rex Songs 

 

It's Saturday night;
I sit pensive in this booth
Music fills my ears
from this disquieting muse
I hear a cheap and evil girl
In this expensive righteous world
I see myself under this spell
in which my life's been hurled

 

And I know...
There is a rush on that song from her CD
I got a crush on the singer they call Bree
Bree Sharp with the brown eyes
Her remarks epitomize
I write and I wonder
Which spell I am under
Her beauty and splendor
Or lyrical blender?
Her rhymes have a reason
And I'm also smitten

 

My friends all tell me,
"Dude, you know she's out of your league,"
But she fills my cup and I drink her teaze
I taste her lexicon in sips
Guzzling down words
from her Gina Gershon lips

 

Watching MTV all day
"Cause her video I want to see
Where's she's naked, painted like Ol' Glory
The singer they call Bree
You cannot tell me
That she's another Christina or Britney
Angelic yet sneery,
she writes her own lyrics
Hell, she's twenty-three!

 

The singer they call Bree
Why won't you love me?

 

Ooooooooo....

 

My letter is done
and I'm ready to send her a sweet e-mail
I want to try with Bree
'cause I've failed with every other female
Shaking my head like a buffoon
Her posters adorn my room
Frantically I search E-bay
for an elusive twelfth tune

 

And I pray...
The woman they call Bree
Might understand me
Though it's a parody
It might just become thee
Death of Duchovny
In that clever intricate mind
I push him by and hope she'll find
All along the man who's been
writing soul-mate poetry
For the woman they call Bree
Why won't you love me?
Why don't you love me?
Or at least think of me

 

Yeah...

 

I'll be waiting...
On route 38...

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Parody of "David Duchovny" by Bree Sharp, 1999

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