alcohol abuse

Change. Evolve. Or die trying

Change. Evolve. Or die trying

   By jfarrell

 

Waste of space drunk, is sober - yay :-)

Though still a waste of space :-)

The first step is always the hardest :)

And I am sober; see, I can change :-)

 

What can I choose to change? :-)

To drink or not to drink…. :-)

How about my cowardice? :-)

I wanna choose to be a big tough guy :-)

 

I don’t wanna be scared anymore - of everything :-(

The fear I have to change :-(

It is about survival, evolution, change

In this life you have to change

 

Or die trying

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

believe + action - i gotta job offer, holy banananas, someone stupid enough to offer me a job, believe + action, i can do this, i won't suck :)

“And… NO SINGING!!!”

“And… NO SINGING!!!”

   By jfarrell

 

(sorry, gotta give credit to Monty Python; those three words, because of depression, sums up 99.9% of my life :-) “…..a sceptic tank? You WERE lucky……”)

 

 

Misery is a peculiar mistress;

You’re not listening, why would I? Hate this place;

But…., you’re tapping your foot and

“And…. NO SINGING!!!”

 

So, you stand there;

Trying to smile, but in a nice way;

Trying to mask the misery; the bitterness;

A complete stranger smiles at me and…..

“And… NO SINGING!!!”

 

Alone, at last;

Get my shoes off; let my mask down;

Cutting, so, so deep…… yesssssss…. comfort…..

My criss-crossed cuts release the bitterness I feel…..

“And…. NO SINGING!!!”

 

Every pleasure; music, reading, cutting,

Films, the whole of life, of people and everything after that;

Every nice feeling is accompanied by a voice;

“And…. NO SINGING!!!!”;

If ever I find the owner I cutting his throat.

 

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

monty python, one of the finest comedy teams, ever

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Chrysalis

Chrysalis

   By JFarrell

 

A time to breathe, to rest;

To recharge my batteries;

A seven day cocoon of non-activity;

Between an end and a new beginning.

 

From waste of space drunk,

I’ve crawled, dragged myself up to walk;

Ran with a bug up my ass through college;

Now, to sprout my wings as wide as I can.

 

Tomorrow I have my first job interview;

Actual paid work, for money;

My first this century;

Look at them wings, ain’t they magnificent?

 

Watch me;

Dammit, I’m flying already;

From a drunken maggot, I grew,

Into this wondrous…..

DRAGON………….. hisssssssssssssssssssssssss

;-)

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i can change :) or i will die trying :-) love having no options ;-)

Paradigm Shift

Paradigm Shift

By JFarrell

 

From ‘Superdrunk’ to ‘Superman’ in under a decade

Still going ok after two months;

Still sober, though I sorely wish I wasn’t in this heat.

Still only learnt my one sentence of Arabic

Because my time management, planning and focus

Still need work.

Learnt  lots of Modern History and new IT skills (like keyboard shortcuts)

Lost two stone in weight and have had an exercise routine

Established for two weeks, longest ever;

Even trying to get into meditation,

We’ll see if it helps.

 

Stage 2 starts tomorrow

Finding a job; hopefully that’ll go as smooth as staying sober

Though I’m probably kidding myself if I expect it to.

 

Trying to change from 20 year drunk into Steve Jobs is hard work

And though I am very frightened –

Everything is ‘if’ right now, with fingers crossed –

If this drunk can hold down a job and not get fired

If I can keep going

If I have the strength, the heart

If…. If…. If… -

It is up to me

The power is in my hands

Now

Author's Notes/Comments: 

will to change

Old Dog, New Tricks

Old Dog, New Tricks

By jfarrell

 

Spent 20 minutes trying

To get the ironing board to stand

Without falling down

10 minutes to work out

The steam might be fun

But, that hot,

It’ll burn my shirts

And just shy of 2 hours

To iron 4 shirts

Without burning the house down.

Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?

 

I will teach myself

How to build a website;

Though, still much to learn

I did learn how to make a blog

And I reckon I can learn a language

Or three.

Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?

 

At 49, I’ve recently learned that I CAN learn;

And I am going to learn anything

Everything;

Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

yep, still learning

The 21st Day - Sober

The 21st Day - Sober

By jfarrell

 

Day 21 been very ok,

Other than the ‘I am God, nothing can touch me’ bit

Which I just stare stupified at;

I don’t even believe in god

How can I be god?

Ah, forget it

I suppose we all go through that bit getting sober.

 

Day 16 was nuclear bomb wanting to go off

The terrorist attack on a kids concert

For multiple reasons

A fuse was lit and spent all next day burning

Until boom!

You wouldn’t believe how destructive

An explosion of poetry can be

 

After that I went to bed knowing I had changed the world

Fell asleep thinking “is this how it feels to be god?, disappointing,

I thought there’d be more rainbows.”

And woke up to an email saying “congratulations on your new job;

You are god.”

 

I am still sober, day 21 now

Last few days been easy

In a way I can’t explain,

And don’t trust;

If it weren’t for the god complex bit,

I’d be feeling very happy now;

Instead, cant help but feel a little….. concerned?…… worried?…

It doesn’t matter

I’m sober and I’m still standing :)

 

Thanks for your support everyone :)

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

still sober

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I wish meditation works

I wish meditation works

By JFarrell

 

Trust me,

Today I so wish mindfulness meditation actually works;

Let my thoughts come and go

Without judgement

Without holding on,

Without clinging to them.

 

Every thought, every breath screams

“Need alcohol!”

Waking to my cats vomiting;

Four days waiting on a so-called friend,

To get in touch with me,

After spending time I haven’t got

Doing him a favour.

 

Just wish,

I could close my eyes,

Take a deep breath

And let it out.

 

Especially the anger,

The nuclear rage I am feeling.

I’ve tried,

But, every thought, every breath

Just feeds the nuclear reaction.

And I know there is more to mindfulness,

But thinking, without judgement is central

To how it works,

And I can’t achieve that.

 

If it wasn’t for my love’s smile,

Engraved upon my heart, my mind,

I would be totally lost at sea.

She is my anchor,

My salvation.

You know who you are,

I love you, absolutely.

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i hope mindfulness meditation works for you

Day 12 is a bugger

Day 12 is a bugger

By JFarrell

 

I am still sober;

Yay :)

And I slept through last night,

First time in 11 days;

Still woke soaked in sweat,

But, that can’t be helped.

 

And, I hurt.

Stomach cramps,

Aches everywhere;

I am so exhausted.

Last couple of days,

All been up and down;

Monstrous rages, so angry,

Followed by,

Can hardly keep my eyes open,

Falling asleep where I stand.

 

I will not give up!

However much my body hurts me,

It will learn - I am in charge.

And, I am tempted, so tempted;

I’d be a liar if I said I wasn’t.

One sip, one gulp

My body would feel better.

 

But, I have come so far,

These past 11 - 12 days;

Unbelievably far.

I hardly recognise the face that stares back from the mirror.

I will not throw away what I have accomplished,

And I will beat this addiction.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

wont give up