recovery

Sustainable steps

Sustainable steps

  By jfarrell

 

Agency work is fun

And I am loving how synchronicitous it has been for me;

Having not worked for 17 years,

It’s let me get back into work, a bit at a time;

Sustainable steps.

 

Two shifts this week, three the next;

Two double shifts and a couple singles;

And a fun one tonight,

That’s left me too scared to sleep.

 

Got home from football job very late,

And gotta be at cricket job very early;

I don’t think I will wake up in four hours for work, too knackered;

But, I dare not be late.

 

Really hoping lotsa coffee, bunch of caffeine pills

And caffeine energy drink will “give me wings”

And fly through tomorrow’s 8am til 11pm shift;

“make or break” comes to mind.

 

I’m a 49 year old man who hasn’t worked in 17 years;

Who desperately needs to return to full-time work; with overtime;

ASAP!

I am really hoping this is a sustainable step :)

 

(been with agency 2 months now - love it)

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

cricket - is that the one with a big bat? all sports loook the same to me :)

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Change. Evolve. Or die trying

Change. Evolve. Or die trying

   By jfarrell

 

Waste of space drunk, is sober - yay :-)

Though still a waste of space :-)

The first step is always the hardest :)

And I am sober; see, I can change :-)

 

What can I choose to change? :-)

To drink or not to drink…. :-)

How about my cowardice? :-)

I wanna choose to be a big tough guy :-)

 

I don’t wanna be scared anymore - of everything :-(

The fear I have to change :-(

It is about survival, evolution, change

In this life you have to change

 

Or die trying

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

believe + action - i gotta job offer, holy banananas, someone stupid enough to offer me a job, believe + action, i can do this, i won't suck :)

Vivlaldi’s Four Seasons

Vivlaldi’s Four Seasons

By jfarrell

 

 

“Hello, you are through to…” whoever you called;

“You are in a queue.”

Why is it always Vivaldi’s four seasons,

And I don’t know which.

 

I don’t know much about classical music,

I’m more a Queen, Marillion, Metallica,

Kinda dude…

Why are we being forced to hate Vivaldi?

 

And I know it’s the Kafkaesque part,

I should ask about…

I phone number ‘A’, am told to phone number ‘B’

And round and round till I get told I’m spose to be

Speaking to number ‘A’

 

But, why Vivaldi?

If it was Abba,

I reckon more people would be less pissed off.

I don’t even like classical music;

Why am I spose to hate Vivaldi?

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i like Holst's 'The Planets'

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One Day At A Time.

Loving you is like tying my stomach in knots just to connect a few dots

Loving you is like asking the robin that thinks it's a blue bird to remember it's a robin, and it's laid an egg.

You laid an egg!

Or, rather you helped procure one.


You're here now. Remember?

You're back on this plane(t) of rock hard existence

Where you know only shame


How's that working out for you, so far?


You see... Loving you is like picking up each piece of plaster in a disaster and [then] asking it to stop crumbling

Could you please just stop crumbling. FUCK.

I can't take it anymore with the decay.

Put your self back together.


Loving you is like losing a piece of time, in the grand scheme of all things,

and then setting expectations for when this will all come back into frame.

When will this all come back in to focus?

When will this all come back?

Will this all come back?


Loving you has been like the most gut wrenching ride, I've ever felt in my life.

It's like a constant influx of hellos, and a steady stream of goodbyes.

Loving you is like holding onto a stream, where you can see it flow through, passed you,

but there's nothing stealthy enough to hold you.

Besides, why would I?


What would be the point in building a damn to stop your flow?

I mean-- like-- GATDAMN can he flow! The world doesn't even know.

But, I do. I know what you can do, because I've been wrapped up in you,

and I've let every aspect of me cave into all the cavenous pits you've created wthin

...and here we are.


We're back in your pit of shame and despair, and I don't have time.

I can't fucking be here.

I have things to do...

A baby to take care of--

and you...

 

Loving you is doing everything I can to not be bitter.

Loving you is remembering that all I wanted was for you to live to be the man he needs you to be.

Loving you means knowing I still have to love me.

 

Nomad

Nomad

By jfarrell

 

All my life wandering, travelling

From family home into children’s home

From one to another

Then to my own flat

 

Which I lost

Homeless

Doorway to subway

Into a hostel

 

Then another hostel

Followed by 20 years

Of cheap bed-sits

With yellowing, mouldy walls

 

Breakdown, suicide attempt

Into hospital

For longer than any bedsit

Into a hostel

 

And still the wandering goes on

Like a nomad

I move from place to place

Searching for the place to stop and stay.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i suppose we are all nomads, in way or another

Arrangement in any minor key

Arrangement in any minor key

By JFarrell

 

The music is me

Discordant, harsh, out of tune

A roaring cacophony

Ill composed from its beginning

 

Composed by a loveless mother

Transcribed by a violent father

A minor key

For sadness and pain

 

Along the way

It’s been added to, altered

Key changes everywhere

By those who consider themselves conductors

 

But, now

A new instrument has found its voice

From the depths of my soul

Haunting pizzicato strings stir and swell

 

An orchestra of strings hails the now

And is answered by woodwind breaths

The angelic harmony of harp song

Envelopes all

 

With a life of its own

The music of my soul rewrites me

Rewrites all that I was and have become

I am now a movement in the key of E

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

music heals

Fragments

Fragments

By JFarrell

 

I am a whole

Made up of the fragments

That comprise my life

Comprise my experience

 

All the little broken pieces

Broken by life

Broken by pain

Broken by people

 

One whole, broken into a thousand pieces

Each piece, each fragment

Similarly broken into a thousand shards

All little stabs of pain

 

Like a jigsaw puzzle

I have spent my life

Reassembling the pieces

Fitting all the components together

 

Thousands of fragments

Painstakingly rearranged

Unerringly placed

To, once again, make me whole.

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

5 weeks sober now

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Old Dog, New Tricks

Old Dog, New Tricks

By jfarrell

 

Spent 20 minutes trying

To get the ironing board to stand

Without falling down

10 minutes to work out

The steam might be fun

But, that hot,

It’ll burn my shirts

And just shy of 2 hours

To iron 4 shirts

Without burning the house down.

Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?

 

I will teach myself

How to build a website;

Though, still much to learn

I did learn how to make a blog

And I reckon I can learn a language

Or three.

Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?

 

At 49, I’ve recently learned that I CAN learn;

And I am going to learn anything

Everything;

Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

yep, still learning

I wish meditation works

I wish meditation works

By JFarrell

 

Trust me,

Today I so wish mindfulness meditation actually works;

Let my thoughts come and go

Without judgement

Without holding on,

Without clinging to them.

 

Every thought, every breath screams

“Need alcohol!”

Waking to my cats vomiting;

Four days waiting on a so-called friend,

To get in touch with me,

After spending time I haven’t got

Doing him a favour.

 

Just wish,

I could close my eyes,

Take a deep breath

And let it out.

 

Especially the anger,

The nuclear rage I am feeling.

I’ve tried,

But, every thought, every breath

Just feeds the nuclear reaction.

And I know there is more to mindfulness,

But thinking, without judgement is central

To how it works,

And I can’t achieve that.

 

If it wasn’t for my love’s smile,

Engraved upon my heart, my mind,

I would be totally lost at sea.

She is my anchor,

My salvation.

You know who you are,

I love you, absolutely.

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i hope mindfulness meditation works for you