recovery

Know my own strength

Know my own strength

By JFarrell

 

I think I know my own strength,

Which is why I haven’t given up tobacco, yet.

Twelfth day sober,

Sixth day with no weed,

And have exercised more

In the last month

Than in all of the last fifteen years.

 

And, still I think of myself as weak.

 

Severe lack of sleep,

College and work to attend,

And I push, push, push….

My body says ‘no more, give us what we need.’

I eat, it wont stay down,

I’m drinking black coffee by the gallon

Cant drink anything else….

My body just screams for alcohol.

I resist.

Stubborn idiot!

 

And, still I think of myself as weak.

 

When I am strong enough

The tobacco will go too;

All these poisons have to stop.

I hope I know my own strength,

I have to be stronger than I can imagine myself ever being,

Coward that I am, was…. not sure, right now.

 

And, still I think of myself as weak.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

am i strong or weak? does it matter?

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Gone too soon

Too many gone too soon, by way of the needle and spoon......5 friends alone in the month of June and a wake today at noon..........this disease has my life such a mess, felling possessed, hoping for death......Yeah I'm fucking depressed...You must be a genius to have guessed.....alright I will confess I have no control getting high and really don't give a fuck if I overdose and die! I can't admit defeat even living on the streets, no food to eat, no shoes on my feet.....I gave everything away......I really don't know what else to say.....my only thought is getting off E today......a little hustling and boosting and I am on my way to see Jose....it's the same routine every fucking day......when does it end?.....should I listen to my friend and go to detox again?........damn I can't stand being a slave, I know this disease wants me in my grave......I need to have God lead the way......I am ready today!

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Healing

I'm actually starting to feel

After being numb for so long

All these emotions flood in, so real

It's natural but at first it feels so wrong

 

It won't be easy to travel this path

But now I know I'm not alone

The second I start to feel it won't last

I can reach out and pick up the phone

 

Meeting people in the same place

Helping each other get through it

Suddenly there's a smile on my face

Because I realize I can do it

Author's Notes/Comments: 

(October 2014) Wrote this in rehab. Such a good feeling. This is still how I feel today. I CAN do it. :)

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The Aftermath

My memories, are like concave feelings.

Barely there, just moments, fleeting.

As though it happend to somebody else,

As though I had worn another one’s face.

You stole my pride, my love, my life.

So I promised that never again, shall I.

Be broken, bitten, punched or shoved.

But now I find myself, too empty to love.

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Pressure on the Wound

Put pressure on the wound,
Although it won’t stop bleeding,
Insecurity has a hold around my neck,
As reflexes punch and kick.
Trying to get to the surface of a crowded mind,
Paranoia whispers chaos formed when silent and alone.
Too scared to lose what was always wanted,
Grip so tight it breaks under the demand for an answer.

Submerged in the chemical breakdown,
Six feet underwater, lungs heavy and full,
Sinking below what you once knew was true,
Lost in the anxiety that comes with the withdrawal.

Love is a dangerous drug; intoxicating,
Always leaving you wanting more:
Too much will kill you,
Without it we’d never feel alone.

Walking into a reality that shatters all form of sanctuary,
The ugliness of a lover’s hold that once felt safe,
Leaves a bruise of an embrace turned restraint.
Fear is a cunning manipulator,
Planting seeds that grow the inevitable tumour:
Put pressure on the wound and hope it stops bleeding.

I want to be this person

I want to be this person

This woman in my head

Her spirit is so pure, beautiful, wise, still and strong

That should adversity ever brave to pull this noble spirit in its dark and cold embrace

 

I see her sitting in the darkness on the cold ground

Now made warm because of the smiles she has smiled

She sits on the ground looking up into the sky

Even in the darkness she has found a reason to smile

You can see the core of her spirit shining with a brightness so strong

You can see the happiness, the joy she feels inside

In the smiles she smiles, in her eyes and around the corners of her mouth

There is this golden beautiful light around her

And all of this she feels

Because she finds and sees

The beauty of the moon and its friends the bright shining stars

She feels peace and tranquility in the moon's beauty and its whiteness

She feels hope when looking up at the sky

 

And then one wonders how can her spirit, the core of it shine so brightly

And she be so content with life and feel joy

When adversities have numbed so many hearts and minds

How does she manage to shine and shine with such strength

That sometimes it is difficult to tell her apart from the stars she sits there admiring

 

Then you realise it is because the core of her spirit is love

A poweful and pure feeling

A feeling so strong

And this feeling is for anything and everything around her

Even for the adversities in her life

So its everlasting, never ending, infinite love

 

And so because of this even when faced with adversities her spirit shines

And she smiles looking up at the sky

Admiring the beauty of the moon and the stars

 

I see adversity approach her

In the darkness

And look down at her with surprise

The warm light around her in the cold even causes adversity to smile

And so adversity sits before her

To find out the cause of her spirit shining so brightly

Adversity sits in front of her

facing her, trying to catch a glimpse of her eyes

And when love looks at adversity

The purity of her gaze is so strong

And the peacefulnes, the beauty, the happiness of her smile and her countenance so pure and warm

That even adversity's cold heart starts beating and becomes a live

Its frozen and hard spirit melts before love

 

And then it averts its gaze

And stands up on its feet, every inch of it trembling and sweating

It turns, trips, and starts running into the darkness and cries

Why dear God did I decide to become adversity

In your beautiful world

Your beautiful world

 

ML.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

My first attempt at writing poetry. Tell me what you think of it and please be gentle. Thank you!

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The Ship Has Sailed

Folder: 
Philosophies

Things just simply didn't work out, and as much as I loved her, the ship has sailed. Now I can either jump in and swim after it and eventually drown myself in my useless efforts, or I can get back on the dock, dry myself off, and wait patiently for the next ship that's bound to come by.

A Beautiful Fighter

Folder: 
Personal Favorites

"A Beautiful Fighter"

You’re a beautiful fighter.
No other angel may compare,
In these eyes,
The one’s You gave me.
No heart have I known,
Bigger, kinder, genuine, gentler
No,… Nor any more unconditional
As is the way that you love.
As is the way of a beautiful fighter.
Mom, the day I found you,
Life having left you only moments prior,
I realized I’d never know another,
Champion already in my eyes,
A hundred times over…
Your strength, your will, your stamina, your devotion
Filled me, trained my body to react,
To fight back, so I tried…
I kissed your mouth and feed you air,..
Begging with encouraging yet pleading words,
Please mom, come back, not yet, I’m not ready…
Your tiny chest, in out of place wonder…
How could such a large heart reside there…
I pushed, I pressed I begged I kissed…
Fearing the worst but inside I knew better…
Because you Mom,
You Are A Beautiful Fighter.
This day you won,
Forever my champion,
I love you mom,
I’ve never been prouder than of you now,
Thank you for fighting Mom,
You never gave up, and I will never either.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I wrote this with no rough drafts, shortly after the events took place. It is for my Mother... A Truly Beautiful Fighter.

The Power of Compounding

The strong effects of alcohol are increased by compounding.
Papaver somniferum, is mere milk until it is goes through rounding.
And when in use the body, brain both take a painful pounding
Job loss, loves lost, lives spent in the arms of Morpheus surrounding
The price we pay goes up each day the pace it is dumbfounding.
A mere ten bucks a day for twenty years at 5% compounding
Results in $125,934 a value most astounding.
The lack of funds result in cars and homes impounding.
Homeless, loveless, jobless with problems too confounding
But a special soul has pulled it off and has her life rebounding.
And that my friend is true evidence of the power of compounding.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

For a technical, technicolor Muse.

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