I'm actually starting to feel

After being numb for so long

All these emotions flood in, so real

It's natural but at first it feels so wrong


It won't be easy to travel this path

But now I know I'm not alone

The second I start to feel it won't last

I can reach out and pick up the phone


Meeting people in the same place

Helping each other get through it

Suddenly there's a smile on my face

Because I realize I can do it

Author's Notes/Comments: 

(October 2014) Wrote this in rehab. Such a good feeling. This is still how I feel today. I CAN do it. :)

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The Aftermath

My memories, are like concave feelings.

Barely there, just moments, fleeting.

As though it happend to somebody else,

As though I had worn another one’s face.

You stole my pride, my love, my life.

So I promised that never again, shall I.

Be broken, bitten, punched or shoved.

But now I find myself, too empty to love.

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Pressure on the Wound

Put pressure on the wound,
Although it won’t stop bleeding,
Insecurity has a hold around my neck,
As reflexes punch and kick.
Trying to get to the surface of a crowded mind,
Paranoia whispers chaos formed when silent and alone.
Too scared to lose what was always wanted,
Grip so tight it breaks under the demand for an answer.

Submerged in the chemical breakdown,
Six feet underwater, lungs heavy and full,
Sinking below what you once knew was true,
Lost in the anxiety that comes with the withdrawal.

Love is a dangerous drug; intoxicating,
Always leaving you wanting more:
Too much will kill you,
Without it we’d never feel alone.

Walking into a reality that shatters all form of sanctuary,
The ugliness of a lover’s hold that once felt safe,
Leaves a bruise of an embrace turned restraint.
Fear is a cunning manipulator,
Planting seeds that grow the inevitable tumour:
Put pressure on the wound and hope it stops bleeding.

I want to be this person

I want to be this person

This woman in my head

Her spirit is so pure, beautiful, wise, still and strong

That should adversity ever brave to pull this noble spirit in its dark and cold embrace


I see her sitting in the darkness on the cold ground

Now made warm because of the smiles she has smiled

She sits on the ground looking up into the sky

Even in the darkness she has found a reason to smile

You can see the core of her spirit shining with a brightness so strong

You can see the happiness, the joy she feels inside

In the smiles she smiles, in her eyes and around the corners of her mouth

There is this golden beautiful light around her

And all of this she feels

Because she finds and sees

The beauty of the moon and its friends the bright shining stars

She feels peace and tranquility in the moon's beauty and its whiteness

She feels hope when looking up at the sky


And then one wonders how can her spirit, the core of it shine so brightly

And she be so content with life and feel joy

When adversities have numbed so many hearts and minds

How does she manage to shine and shine with such strength

That sometimes it is difficult to tell her apart from the stars she sits there admiring


Then you realise it is because the core of her spirit is love

A poweful and pure feeling

A feeling so strong

And this feeling is for anything and everything around her

Even for the adversities in her life

So its everlasting, never ending, infinite love


And so because of this even when faced with adversities her spirit shines

And she smiles looking up at the sky

Admiring the beauty of the moon and the stars


I see adversity approach her

In the darkness

And look down at her with surprise

The warm light around her in the cold even causes adversity to smile

And so adversity sits before her

To find out the cause of her spirit shining so brightly

Adversity sits in front of her

facing her, trying to catch a glimpse of her eyes

And when love looks at adversity

The purity of her gaze is so strong

And the peacefulnes, the beauty, the happiness of her smile and her countenance so pure and warm

That even adversity's cold heart starts beating and becomes a live

Its frozen and hard spirit melts before love


And then it averts its gaze

And stands up on its feet, every inch of it trembling and sweating

It turns, trips, and starts running into the darkness and cries

Why dear God did I decide to become adversity

In your beautiful world

Your beautiful world
























Author's Notes/Comments: 

My first attempt at writing poetry. Tell me what you think of it and please be gentle. Thank you!

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The Ship Has Sailed


Things just simply didn't work out, and as much as I loved her, the ship has sailed. Now I can either jump in and swim after it and eventually drown myself in my useless efforts, or I can get back on the dock, dry myself off, and wait patiently for the next ship that's bound to come by.

A Beautiful Fighter

Personal Favorites

"A Beautiful Fighter"

You’re a beautiful fighter.
No other angel may compare,
In these eyes,
The one’s You gave me.
No heart have I known,
Bigger, kinder, genuine, gentler
No,… Nor any more unconditional
As is the way that you love.
As is the way of a beautiful fighter.
Mom, the day I found you,
Life having left you only moments prior,
I realized I’d never know another,
Champion already in my eyes,
A hundred times over…
Your strength, your will, your stamina, your devotion
Filled me, trained my body to react,
To fight back, so I tried…
I kissed your mouth and feed you air,..
Begging with encouraging yet pleading words,
Please mom, come back, not yet, I’m not ready…
Your tiny chest, in out of place wonder…
How could such a large heart reside there…
I pushed, I pressed I begged I kissed…
Fearing the worst but inside I knew better…
Because you Mom,
You Are A Beautiful Fighter.
This day you won,
Forever my champion,
I love you mom,
I’ve never been prouder than of you now,
Thank you for fighting Mom,
You never gave up, and I will never either.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I wrote this with no rough drafts, shortly after the events took place. It is for my Mother... A Truly Beautiful Fighter.

The Power of Compounding

The strong effects of alcohol are increased by compounding.
Papaver somniferum, is mere milk until it is goes through rounding.
And when in use the body, brain both take a painful pounding
Job loss, loves lost, lives spent in the arms of Morpheus surrounding
The price we pay goes up each day the pace it is dumbfounding.
A mere ten bucks a day for twenty years at 5% compounding
Results in $125,934 a value most astounding.
The lack of funds result in cars and homes impounding.
Homeless, loveless, jobless with problems too confounding
But a special soul has pulled it off and has her life rebounding.
And that my friend is true evidence of the power of compounding.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

For a technical, technicolor Muse.

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Not Again

Love for most people is pain,
Some squeeze through with joy,
Some stay numb.
Love for me is a flame that burns in silence,
A hole that grows bigger inside me.
When I think about my past,
My state of mind when broken was all I knew,
My spine is chilled at the thought,
My hands shake with memory,
Of my agony,
Easier said than done,
They all just hit and run,
When I think of this,
A part of me weeps,
Yet another part is confident it won't happen again,
Everytime that part though, is wrong.

Now you come around,
And seeing you is bittersweet,
Taste of new love,
And defeat.
Now we are sitting here on an empty street,
And you're ready
To pledge your love to me.
I can't accept,
I am afraid,
I know this seems sad,
To make you promise this,
But when you say love to me,
It means:

Don't hurt me,
Or abandon me,
I can;t go through that state
No lying,
No hiding,
I just fixed my heart again,
So go easy.

Thinking about my past guys,
They all had the same look in their eyes,
But sadly you don't realized they have that,
Until it's too late.
That is a constant fear
It brings worry back to me,
My heart's been in hiding,
Then you come along,
I want to say no,
I can't go back to where I was.
But you sound convincing,
Ignorant me.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Basically how so far every guy I've dated has broken my heart and I have recently gained a new guy....and how I'm afraid he'll do the same.

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Found Dreams

And in the realm of dreamscapes

Where water’s thick as oil

Dust coats the tongues of wanderers

Who earn a pittance for their toil


And a girl now twenty

Stood hanging out the wash

And with each grimy sheet she hung

She counted what was lost


And the gritty clapboard shanty

The one that she called home

Was empty and was hollow

She was all alone-


The horizon went forever

As they do only in dreams

The tears she wiped from her cheeks

Weren’t what they seemed


They came away as glass

She had cried priceless jewels

She gathered tears in her apron

To hide them from the fools


In the jewels’ reflection

She saw what was to be

Gathered up her courage

Determined to be free


And in the realm of dreamscapes

Where wanderers pass on by

She took hold of dreams she cried

And waved them all goodbye

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