Gay

Straight Lies

When He was 18 

Went to his mom to confess 

Mom I think I'm  gay 

Love thinking  of suck dick 

Dream about one after another 

From Sunup till forever 

Staying on my  knees never getting up 

So ill amputate my feet 

Donate  them to an amputee 

Not one to be wasteful 

1 time after a  face full 

Called his father who answered just to scream 

Don't call me you fag 

Then the familiar sound of the phone hitting the ground followed 

Starts laughing 

Cause this happens every time he calls 

$600 his dad has spent on replacements 

His mother goes to interrupt he cuts her off 

Mom there's more 

I'm addicted to gay porn 

To the point I seen everyone 

Now I watch straight and my stomach turns seeing the girl 

Would've told you sooner but I didn't want you to be like dad 

Your all I got 

But I been busting nuts for years staring at men's butts 

One day , and this bad 

But I almost raped the mailman 

Only thing that stopped me was 

I was getting off to Slater in his trunks while cursing Jessie and kelly 

Hope I haven't let you down 

I hope you still love me 

I hope .... She cuts him off 

With a long strong  embrace 

 Few tears falling down her face 

Love whoever you want 

Be with anyone you choose 

I'll always want what I always wanted for you 

Just to be happy 

You have never disappointed me 

Until now 

Remember those nights when you was 5 I sat and held you to calm you after your father left you 

The anger you had at 13 and took out on me 

The lost time we had cause of the 2 jobs I had in order for us to make it 

But most important 

Don't you remember anything  I taught you

If you did you wouldn't be sitting here telling this story 

It's a good one and if I wasn't so hurt I would make you prove this 

And using me knowing I'll die fighting for you 

This ain't your first lie but it's by far the worst you could've told

Not only willing to walk away from them 

but 

Now I'm seeing what I always been afraid of

You being like him 

She came by today to let you know in person 

Being you quit taking her calls 

But you were gone 

So she told me to tell you 

Don't worry she's not pregnant 

But now what bothers me more is 

What if she was 

 

 

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Little Willy Green

Little Willy Green, a lone dandelion puff on the valley floor,

sat on a graying park bench, beneath a willow tree.

Though we’ve never met, I did consider him

as he sat no more than ten feet from me a few years ago.

There was something about him that tore my heart in two.

His eyes gave him away.

 

Looking at him, I knew

the boys taunted him and

the girls understood him. The dark circles under his red eyes told me he was

broken, a heart shattered, shrouded in shredded

clothing.

 

As I gazed at him, I imagined him sitting with a companion
at a place — not here.

He had peace there — his mind was still.

 

I knew peace was rare for him, considering the storm cloud his mother must be,

absentee father (who I’m sure is absentee) and that motley mob
flanked by his math teacher and campus counselor, who I am sure
must chide him about his not knowing how to throw a football. 

 

He did not remember their slurs
which stabbed him like a whip of bronze nails,
choked him like a noose,
and cut him like a razor blade.

 

He forgot it all

at that moment—in that place—as he sat on the edge of a gray sofa,
his large hands holding a stitch in his thin side. His bluish-green eyes were

barely visible through his

brimming tears. I don’t think he had ever felt such freedom.

 

Someone understood, and so did he,

wiping his tear-streaked face with the back of his soiled, canary yellow sleeve.

He regained his composure while

his companion recalled the punch line to his next joke.



To Really See Each Other

The night was clear, the stars shined bright and the moon was full and it gave a strong silver light that allowed them to see each other completely. They were sitting on the grass, one in front of the other, just a few inches away. They were silent, they wouldn’t dare to say a word, not even there at the outside of the city, where they knew no one would hear them. They looked at each other calmly, as if they hadn’t seen before, maybe because it was partially right, this was certainly not the first time they had seen but never had they looked at each other like that, deep in the eyes, no lies this time, so vulnerable and yet so fearless.

 

One broke the silence and then it all came so natural that it seemed as if they hadn’t talked in ages, but then again this was probably right too. They talked about their dreams, about their wishes, about their past, about their future. One told the other that he planned to move to New York to become a playwright and how badly he wanted his plays to make it to Broadway, the other simply said he wanted to make it out of the small town they lived in, to see the world, know places, meet people and learn new things. Maybe they could make it, who knew? The world is full of unlikely events and maybe their dreams were one of those, or maybe they weren’t but on that moment it didn’t matter, in that moment it was all possible and they were convinced they would make it, in that moment it was them against the world and that was all that was needed.


The hours passed by and the moon crossed the sky and the two young boys realized that it was time for them to part ways, for the night was soon to be over and their little world with it. The silent came back as fast as it was once gone and they both stared at each other again for a few seconds. “I think I love you” said one of them in a shaky voice that could hardly be heard by the other; he wasn’t sure if he did, he wasn’t even sure that he could tell even if he did feel it, for he didn’t know what love was but he was sure he was ready to learn. “I guess I love you too” replied the other, also unsure of what he felt. The first one reach out to touch the other’s face and without knowing the latter leaned forward and kissed him. It was a rather awkward kiss, both first, and yet for some reason it just felt right. As soon as it was over they stood up, shook their clothes and said goodbye as fast as they could, for they had to hurry on their way back home. “See you at school” said one of them.

 


The other arrived home, got in without making any noise in order to not wake his parents and lay in bed wide awake for a while; ‘see you in school’, this phrase kept rumbling in his head as he was falling asleep, sure they would see each other at school on Monday but would they really see each other? Would they even talk to each other? Even if the other was willing to, would he be? He closed his eyes, sure of the answer to those question.

Prolougue - The Day before my Freshman Year Summer 2012

I just had an epiphany.

The day before my freshman year in highschool... or it might have been July third, I asked my mom to go on a ride with me. I was going to come out to her. We drove around and little was said, I cried alot and I didn't come out. It reminds me of Fun Home "Telephone Wire."  

This book is everything I wanted to say that night that I couldn't. A culmination of thoughts and anxiety that I can't keep to myself. 

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Coming Out

  First I will say that although I have clicked on the font menu for this to come out in 2pt, in parenthesis it says "(10pt)",, so however it comes out for anyone, will be a matter of happenstance I suppose.


     Today is supposedly "National Coming Out Day"on an international level. I don't know how "official" that is, but I figured I'd write on it anyway for all those who honor it.


     I am and have always been a heterosexual woman who has totally enjoyed being so. I do not know what it feels like to be confused about sexuality. To me, there was never a question about it until the world started making it such a big deal. I have always known, (even if I couldn't understand), there are people who are sexually attracted to someone with the same genitals as themself. I always liked "different" and still do...more with every year I age. I have acquaintances, family, and friends who are gay and bisexual, and have a huge amount of respect for their struggles, (same as I do for ethnic minorities and other of the downtrodden and disrespected of society).

       So, yes, here it comes, brace yourself--the big ''however".


.....However, just as gays and bisexuals, (s&m lovers, those who favor beastiality...whatever), want to be respected for their sexual preferences, and I will speak for myself at this point and say that heterosexuals would like the same. Those gays and bisexuals I associate with DO respect my sexuality, and we share fullfilling friendships. I cannot say the same for most I have met. I do not know if they understand that just as they want to be accepted in society, getting that respect doesn't come by making assumptions and attempting to act out fantasies with those whom they are fully aware are not attracted to them in a sexual way. 


     We are sexual beings. This Is true. It slithers it's way out sometimes in places where we do not intend for it to, but just because we may think someone is sexually attracted to us, doesn't mean they are. Please don't take that out of context. It is a good thing to practice no matter what your sexual preferences are. I know both men and women who have been approached in a disrespectful manner and felt defiled, violated, and extremely disrespected. 


...so please be considerate and make your community proud. Don't be a disgrace to it.


Peace. And happy happy "International Coming Out Day"





.......

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A Suicide Letter: I'm Sorry, I Love You

I want you to know that I never meant to hurt you. I know it may seem that way now, but none of this is about you and none of this is your fault. It’s my fault. I can’t face what I feel—what I am. It’s not that I don’t love you, because believe me I do. I’m just not brave like you. You were always better than me. Everyone was always better than me. Maybe, I didn’t love you enough. Enough to come clean to my parents about us. But I’m begging you to understand that I wanted to, God, I wanted to but I just couldn’t. I tried and I tried because I wanted to be better for you and I wanted to be what you needed me too but I just kept imagining their faces. Every night when I try to fall asleep, I see what their faces would look like if I told them. Their eyes, full of hatred, haunt me and their words and their accusations slice through me. Failure, good-for-nothing, fag.

 

You’d probably tell me that I should stop worrying about things that haven’t happened yet and that their words aren’t real. But you always see the best in people. It’s one of the reasons I love you. But you can never understand that though their words might not be real to you, they are as real to me as the bullet in my hand. But nothing could hurt as much as those words, not even death. Tell my mom that I’m sorry and tell my dad that I wish I could have been the son he always wanted, the son he deserved.

 

I guess now everyone will know about us. But no matter what they say to you, just know that you are not to blame.

 

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

I love you.

 

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

School assignment.

Is it bad that....

Is it bad that

I'm starting not to care?

About people and how

they'll stop and stare?

Or is it normal?

That I feel this way?

That seeing this one person

brightens up my day?

People say its wrong,

that I shouldn't even try?

But they don't understand

and can't give me a reason why...

It's so wrong to be with this person

because they can cause trouble?

But what if its beyond my control?
And I burst their little bubble?

Why can't they be on my side,

or just be happy for me,

Is it bad that I love them?

Just because they're a She?

Author's Notes/Comments: 

It's about a girl who is confused about a lot lately. And the person they love's true identity is revealed at the end

I Found God

Folder: 
2011

I found God in myself 

And I loved him fiercely  

I found God in my mother

And I loved him warmly

I found God in my family

And I loved him devoutly

I found God in my prayers

And I loved him reverently

I found God in nature 

And I loved him knowingly 

I found God in my melancholy world 

And I loved him; I loved him so much it reduced me to tears 

I found God in every colored girl, gay man, and convict in this world

And I embraced him fiercely.

Same Love

Ever since I was small,

my parents say I was the world.

They couldn't wait for me to grow up,

and marry some special girl.

But lately this have gotten weird,

and I don't know what to do.

How do you tell your parents

That the one you love is the same sex as you?

I dated girls all my life,

kissed them and touched them just the same,

but I felt I was playing a character,

or a board piece in a game.

I'd found a girl I thought I loved,

and tried to change the way I felt.

But everytime he would walk by

my frozen heart would melt.

So we moved around in secret,

trying to hide the way we are

We moved from stolen kisses in the dark,

to holding hands beneath the stars.

Until one day she caught us.

We both froze mid-embrace.

I couldn't bear to look her way

and see all the hurt in her face.

She stamped away without a word,

I thought It was over and done.

But then I got a call from home,

telling me to come home Mr. daughter/son.

I admit that hurt a little bit,

why couldn't they understand.

That I was the same kid I always was,

I was just in love with a man.

My father was angry and indignant,

he said that I was a disgust.

That if i continued to act this way,

My moving out was a must.

My mother was much worse,

all she did was stare and cry.

She said she wished I would

have just kept up with the lie

She asked me why would I do this,

weren't girls good enough?

I said it didn't matter man or woman

it was the same love.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlVBg7_08n0

I listened to that song by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis and it made me feel "some type of way" so I wrote this because it was inspiring.

 

From birth we're taught that Girls love boys and vice versa, and society made us believe it was "wrong" to feel any other way. So I wrote this about a boy who starts to realize that he is gay and the reactions of those around him. NOT MY BEST BUT I LOVE IT :)

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