bipolar disorder

Polar

Polar

I tell him

Six months out of the year I live in the North Pole

It is dark when I am there in the bitter cold

I live in my igloo where nothing bothers me

A team of huskies could not drag me free

A sad cloud of gloom hangs over me the whole time

How I wish I could live my life on the equator line

  • Six months out of the year I live in the South Pole

    The sun shines bright for six months in a row

    I’m always happy there I get to play outside in the snow

    I always smile there like I haven’t a care

  • Though I still wish I could live on the equator somewhere

    But it seems I am always stuck in one pole or the other

    Where I think my friends hate me and my enemies are my lovers

  • As he slowly closes my folder

    He says “You’ll never survive being bi-polar”

  • Misunderstanding

    Just because I can stand up walk straight speak properly read write and comprehend doesn't make me normal. Just because I go to church sometimes doesn't make me have more or less demons them YOU. Just because I have a temper that may lash out at times and other moments I may cry mean im unstable that just makes me human. Just because I probably get into fights and may get into trouble does not mean I am a dysfunctional member of society. Just because I don't enjoy the nature of killing, indulge in pyro activities or am a sexual predictor doesn't mean im not sick and have disturbed thoughts. Just because I don't end up in a hospital with tubes down my throat and needles sticking out my vains doesn't mean im not dying of an illness. Just because I don't walk around with a cast doesn't mean im not broken. Just because I don't cough sneeze or infect you doesn't mean I can't affect you. Just because I don't walk around with a limp or carry a cane doesn't mean im not crippled. Just because I don't suffer from a physical impairment doesn't mean im not disabled. Just because you choose not to look closer to see and understand my abnormalities and what I am going through doesn't mean I am not crippled disabled sick slowly dying a dysfunctional member of society someone with disturbed thoughts. I am your no different then your friend your child your mother father brother sister wife husband lover that suffers. I am bipolar yet still am like you and everyone else.

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    A Million Dandelions

    he asked for my soul,
    i handed it over; no doubts, no hesitation, no fears;
    he asked for my lust,
    i gave him all i had then he left and i got more;
    he gave me his seed,
    i'm trying to use it to fill a hole inside of me;
    he gave me his love,
    i took it and screamed at him it's not enough;

    now we've reached reality,
    the ecstatic mood has been broken;
    an awkwardness has engulfed our every interaction,
    my rational thoughts are flooding back to me;
    the bell can not be unrung,
    his hazel eyes have seen me crazy;

    now there's secrets and lies,
    i feel dirty, ashamed and unworthy;
    he can't forget what his absence bore,
    and i can't escape who i am when i'm not his whore;
    time draws us closer to the bitter end,
    love can't mend shredded dreams;

    i stumbled over the ghost's of lovers past,
    he boiled and now he simmers over it in his mind;
    i snuck across a digital line,
    my friend my fault and i agree;
    i'm my own worst enemy and my own best friend;

    i keep hope alive on caffeine and pizza,
    he works himself into a numb living death;
    i'll bury us under a million dandelions,
    our love will never be gone;
    we will forever float in the wind,
    the seeds of us planting where ever they land!

    Fat and Blame

    i've backed myself into the corner again.
    i sit there likes it's the only place that ever felt like home.
    my troubles replay on an infinite loop.
    the more i change the more i end up here.
    my hopes are washed away by my tears.
    the fears harbor me and i hold them near.
    i begged myself to let go of the past, but my chains are pure titanium!

    faces and places lose their impact.
    i can't remember what i forgot.
    all the nonsense makes sense to me.
    my thoughts form but never sink in.
    i'm treading water but afraid to swim.
    i want one person to accept as i am, but no one cares!

    i laugh for no reason.
    these up's and down's are my seasons.
    i could convict my soul for high treason.
    i handed out my heart like it's replaceable.
    i keep getting angry at my disgraceful behavior, but i'm addicted to the danger!

    fat and blame circle my bones like a vulture.
    i can't continue to sustain this new me.
    i feel my pounds creeping back onto me.
    i can't say i'm eating out of misery because i'm so damn happy!
    i fear this will come to a bad end, but i can't walk away from him.

    Depressed

    i'm depressed!
    i reached this conclusion as i undressed.
    i lay in bed unable to move, each day is filled with endless seconds without you.
    i thought we'd never end, but abruptly, we did!
    what's the point of telling me you love me when you leave me alone and cold?

    i'm depressed!
    i stare at the computer feeling worthless.
    i shove food in my mouth trying to fill the hole you left.
    i'm unmotivated and uninterested.
    what used to enthrall me now bores me to tears.
    when you cut me off you took my heart.

    i'm depressed!
    i confess the pills aren't effective.
    i feel the slide down into despair pick up speed.
    every ache, every pain, i blame on you.
    i try to occupy the hollow hours where you used to be,
    but nothing sets my tortured soul free.

    i'm depressed!
    you'd laugh and declare me useless.
    i miss the little things that annoyed me the most.
    do you feel better now?
    or, like me, do you still have my ghost to exorcise?
    i feel incomplete, like there was no closure.
    you felt there was because you never answer when i call.

    i'm depressed!
    i hope time can heal this emotional mess.
    the demented days hand out their punishment.
    our pictures of happiness taunt me from the wall.
    i want to burn them all.
    i rock back and forth in a pathetic dance.
    i surrender to this moment.
    God help me, I'm depressed!

    Waiting to Inhale

    i'm out of pop and patience waiting on you.
    my heart is as empty as Jesus' tomb.
    you keep leading me down into the fire, but i burn out after you leave.
    i'm sitting here holding a tissue and a pen.
    waiting to inhale your exhale once again.
    i got a song creeping into my head because you left my heart bleeding again.

    there's anticipation and then there's playing games.
    i'm confused more and more every day.
    do you even know what you're doing to me?
    i keep waiting to inhale when you exhale on me.

    it's been one week and three days without you.
    i hunger and ache to feel your skin.
    the tast of you does me in.
    you say you're hurting too, but you aren't here, so am i the fool?

    i'm thinking about the last time.
    my body cooled while my heart caught on fire.
    you burned me down from the inside out.
    can i trust you with my war torn heart?

    there's joy and then there's sorrow.
    i'm at a lost as to which one this will be.
    do you care that you tie me in a knot?
    i keep waiting to inhale your exhale one more time.
    i feel like i'll be waiting until i die.

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