Scattered Thoughts (I Struggle to Understand)

I Struggle to Understand


A mistaken event, but possibly the truth;

Which suspends the future in the unknown.

The transpiration results in alteration,

Of the one known path to be followed.


One cannot take back the so-called sins.

But remorse is not easily found in the heart, nor the soul.

Not even the mind can comprehend,

What lay in store for the confused.


A faithful night the words formed,

To possibly bring some solace, some freedom.

Yet there seems to be a pit of darkness,

That there seems to be no escape.


It is not to say that life is dangerous,

But to remark that mistakes are made.

For the person who decides fate

Is the one least likely to know.


What can be conveyed by physical means

Cannot be enough to spare life plans.

Previous visions dashed on a simple event,

One which causes the previous confusion.


What is regret and what is hate?

What is the thing so sought after?

An unspoiled poise so nearly attained

That shatters like so?


I do not speak mysteriously for a purpose,

Other than to maybe free myself.

But I know this must be lived with,

Regardless of my hopeful fears.


I cannot fathom what is beyond,

That is beyond the present.

I only see what lay ahead,

A road now rocky with misperception.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

To those who stumble across this: I ask only for prayers. I am not a relgious person and I am not a believer. Hope is what I need. I cannot ask for something that I cannot convince myself of its existance. I suppose I'm not sure of my needs. Is it advice? Hope? Prayer? I cannot understand; I struggle. I say please: for what, I do not know. Just please.
~~Thank You 

Small Remorseful Song

Into the darkened world shall i arise?

And once there be exposed to all there lies?

Loss of trust be forever mourned,

And those once loved be forever scorned.

Eternally from light we are repelled,

But to return we are always compelled.

We unto ourselves inflict so much pain,

It seems without it we are all insane.

I feel as though caught in an endless storm,

Left with only my hate to keep me warm.

It seems to be released i must meet death,

And so i want to breathe my final breath.

Exasperated I am just too stressed.

To meet my end right now I would be blessed.

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Do Not

Please don't tell me that you will only ever associate me with guilt

That this is a feeling determined to latch on to you and never let go

Do not turn my fingertips into red hot steel that forces you to flinch when I touch you

Do not let my eyes morph into black holes in front of yours, making you look away


Do not squirm and writhe in my presence like your stomach must every time you see me

Do not hold on to that pang in your heart that appears when we talk

Do not play down the warmth of my embrace so much that I am stone cold up against you

Do not imagine me as your enemy to make it easier to turn your back on me


And do not let my memory become the subtlest bloom of happiness in a vast forest of remorse

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Through New Eyes

The wealth I had
came from the pleasure
in your eyes

Now bankrupt
These piles of glittered gems
Won't ever sparkle like them.


Truth has its ways

And in an instant

the colour of my world

left with the light


Now your eyes ever Vacant,

Cold as the dullest steel

They won't see me like they used to 

You Won't hear the echoes
Of my calling,

or the dire pain of my deep remorse


You left this place
When I allowed myself to fall
And break your heart

my beautiful a'mour


Now, I sit like a beggar and a thief

Stripped of any value or respect
With new eyes peering at me.

Mine as empty as regret
vacant as the day
you saw me risk your heart.


I sit here again and again
With this pile of glittered gems
Falling through my palms;
They don't sparkle like your eyes.

Nothing compared to
the riches I was used to.
If only I could choose again
With these new eyes.

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Eternity in Hell

The things I did on Earth could've gotten me many years in jail.
I thought I got off scott free but now I'm spending eternity in Hell.
I stole, cheated people and twice I committed rape.
My eternal soul was damned, there was no escape.

These flames are eternal and much hotter than regular fire.
I would've done better if I'd known that this situation would be so dire.
The agony is indescribable as the flames burn my skin.
They keep burning me over and over, there is no end.

The fire keeps getting hotter and hotter.
I'd give anything for just one drop of water.
The evil things I did on Earth were terrible to do.
If you're evil, change or the same will happen to you.

Author's Notes/Comments: 


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An eye for an eye

Six years ago I perjured myself at a murder trial.
Now I realize what I did was both evil and vile.
My poor sister was the person who was killed.
When I testified, the defendant's fate was sealed.

I was so sure that he was guilty, that's why I lied.
The man was sentenced to death after he was tried.
I wanted that man to die eversince he was placed under arrest.
But two months ago another man came forward and confessed.

That man went to the gas chamber because I said that I saw him kill my sister.
I was consumed by pain and anger and I really missed her.
I really did wrong when I took the stand.
My lie caused the death of an innocent man.

I confessed that I perjured myself and now I'm in jail.
I feel so much guilt and remorse and now I live in Hell.
I felt that it was an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.
Justice would've prevailed if I had simply told the truth.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This is a fictional poem.

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I tried to keep you, but you just wouldn't stay
I tried to erase you, but you won't go away
I feel pleasure when imagining your pain
But momentary euphoria is all that i gain
And my tortured soul is all the remains

I find pleasure when imagining the pain you feel as I sink deep into your skin.
But I only feel guilt afterward for the fear that I become my own worst fear.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This was I poem I intended to do more work in, but never did. This was pieced together from a lines I had written in text message drafts throughout the day. As for it's meaning, I believe it speaks for itself.

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