drained

Equal grounds

all I need back is my peace of mind..
i've been walking down the borders of life, looking out to the vast sea..
the ocean of all that is to be.
wishing to float with you...
I don't want to feel so cut up.. 
the clams at the bottom are so rough.
there's dead jellyfish about..
the seagulls are so loud.. 
but I wish we could be together & completely shut it out.
 
I know you really don't need me.. so this is it.. 
i'll try not to think too much about all this, until i'm given a better reason to.
I feel sick.. is it just me?
i'm beginning to think everyone around me is ailed in some way..
this is probably true..
for me, it is not use or be used... 
equal grounds is where I like to lay.
 
this will help mask the pain.... 
one day it will just stop for awhile... 
she'll be able to smile without aching.. 
without tears swelling up in that cloud of grey & blue..
king & queen knocked off the board, your knight's & pawn's crumble, is this game done..?
 
I feel like this body just isn't me.. it's not at all a part of who I am.. 
I want to break free!!
I don't want to feel like a worthless piece of flesh...
but I re-assure myself, each time this skin blisters red..
i'm sorry I keep letting you down.. 
 
sometimes, I really just want to fall off a cliff... 
it always feels like i'm being pushed, anyway..
what's making me stay?
I can't stand being stuck in constant resistance.. 
hesitation versus action..
it's nothing happening at all, against consequence.
it's like being pulled both directions & stuck where you're at.
 
i've stretched so far for the both of you... 
the center of myself is but an empty hole.. 
worn thin.. deteriorating..
would you lie to me, if I questioned, are you all parasites..?
simply feeding...
 
i'm not here for you to feast upon..
Author's Notes/Comments: 

3.17.13

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Fool that is ourself~

high expectations are not my cup of tea, people need to stop tryin' to suck the life out of me..

do we return to the memories..? or do they come back to us?

the only person I really want to talk to right now is my father.. but why bother thinking about it.. 

I just want to question him on everything that seems to of passed us by... like the time.. 

or what we will become after wasting away.. after we've deteriorated & our skin is past grey..

 

slowly paralyzed, fingers first.. trying to figure this out, tying up loose threads.. 

I need to feel alive.. have I been living a lie within my head..?

or am I trapped inside, knowing outside is the reality in which you've been dead.

 

I could spend the rest of my life in bed, until i've cried enough tears to flood the entire house, both stories.

but wouldn't that just be a waste of potential..? to let the pain push me down, further each day.. 

the weight of nostalgia get's heavier, despite it's dismay..

memories are like an impenetrable fog, & everyone else gets the sunshine on their face.. 

do we all pity the fool, that is ourself..?