Rant

You've hurt me

I am a tool, here for your disposal. You've told me that I'm not a tool of course, but that doesn't change the fact that that's what I am. You used me in so many ways, you needed to get somewhere, I was there. You needed money to buy your eye-candy a gift, I was there. Your family needed someone to take them to bail someone out, I. Was. There... But where were you when I needed you? Where were you when I was contemplating death and destruction? Where were you when I was alone? What? I'm sorry, did my honesty hurt you? God knows that your honesty hurt me, you told me to stop relying on people, that I need to work out my problems on my own. You were mad at me because I was hurting, and now you're the reason why I'm hurting. You hypocrite, all of your advice was flawed, you rely on so many people, their affection, their acceptance, their adoration. You are here to get inside of my head, you're here to make me feel not worth a fight, you're here to teach me a lesson. You're not here to stay, and I have to suppress who I really am to get away from you, I have to freeze up. I hate what you've done to me, you're the monster, a predator after my soul. You're selfish and don't consider how what you do affects me, "brother". You've been pulling me down, and that is why I will never understand you. I hate what you've done to me.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Rant #1

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Betrayal

So, you're just going to drop me, just like a piece of coal because your make-shift diamond told you so.

Your eyes are closed and your ears are swollen, the truth burns you so you drink all of the lies.

Will I take you back into my arms? Or will I leave you and hurt you like you did me. Either way, I lose.

I would never want to hurt you, I would never want to drag you through the mud, I would never hate you, because I only know how to love.

Whether you forgive me or forget me, I'll still hold onto the regrets, whether you can trust me or would rather leave me, I'll let you consider but I have my bets.

You said that I take and that I never give enough, you said that things will never be the same but you'll still come to my funeral?

So, you'll be there when I'm gone and can't see you, you'll be there when my thoughts truly matter, because the living hate and the dead only matter for about a year, right? I hope that they let you read this when I'm gone so that maybe you'll see the way that you hurt me.

You said that what I did was unforgivable, but you're the one who used me, I fought and dropped with no one to pick me back up and dust off my back.

I'm learning your nature now, selfish and motivated with desires that are temporary, you had to drop me before you actually got attached huh? Just like everyone else that you said "left you". This isn't wrong of me, this is how I feel, and I feel betrayed and useless because of a coward that can't control or console his cardinal sins.

You broke me beyond reparation, and I can't heed anyone's consolation, you deprived me of being in a blissful station, I've come to realize that this truly is a dog eat dog world for domination, and right now you've forced my hand, I need to survive, and in order to do that I need to get away from you, because how the hell am I supposed to fix something that started off broken? Why am I even asking you that, you never have the answer because you never cared, what's worse is that you seek an answer for my rhetoric's, you look and never find, you listen but never hear, you grasp but you cannot feel.

Get out of my life... You monster.

Thank you, for opening my eyes, now leave.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Angry rant #2

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Sitting Hearts

Folder: 
My Everything

We sat like strangers

The largest valley

Between two mountains

A slow deep breath

A back yard alley

A passage of soft hearts

 

Like a flower, bloom

A twisting refining notion

That the foliage within

Never dwindles among men

 

So with the silence; bound

There are countless

Verses unspoken

A slow deep look

A burning mess

A road of genuine hearts

 

Like a flower, bloom

A twisting refining notion

That the foliage within

Never dwindles among men

 

We sat like strangers

The largest illusion

Among the world

A soundless adoration

A grand prelusion

A path of rebel hearts

 

Like a flower, bloom

A twisting refining notion

That the foliage within

Never dwindles among men

 

 

 

 

Tree of Life

Folder: 
Dark

These bodies are shaded

As if the tree of life cast darkness

It's underneath dressed in treachery

While it's branches reach for righteousness

10 Reasons Why I Hate Assholes

Folder: 
Poems

1. you take your anger out on others, and I get that maybe you're having a bad day, but before you lash out at someone, try punching a brick wall or step on a rusty nail, because that's the amount of pain you will cause to someone with low self-esteem

 

2. your arrogance astounds me, do you think the world revolves around you just because you're mad? No, it doesn't, grow a pair, suck it up, and deal with it!

 

3. you need to learn how to love again, maybe what she did to you was detrimental or what he did to you was devastating, but it doesn't matter! You both are going to find someone right for you and forget about the other... Now SHUT UP!

 

4. Offensive things are only how you percieve them, and quite frankly, the only things you should be offended by is something said about someone related to you or your significant other

 

5. Fuck You

 

6. You are the reason kids grow up to be cynical, cold, and not be able to trust others

 

7. Fuck you, again

 

8. If you're getting mad at this, think about what I said about taking offense to things

 

9. Hey, guess what? Fuck you!

 

10. Just remember, if you weren't such an asshole in the first place, I wouldn't have had to write this

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iNOCULATIONS FOR ABNOXIOUS BITCHES ARE PROBABLY TAINTED TOO!

OH PLEASE!!!! TAKE YOUR SUCKY ISSUES

AND SHOVE THEM IN THE BREEZE

INSULT ME AND MY SMALL MINDEDNESS?

BITCH PLEASE! PATRONISE YOU?

FUCKEN LET ME START WHERE IT IS YOU THOUGHt I STARTED

TAKE YOUR PERSONAL POOR ME STORY AND STICK IT IN YOUR ARM

I WISH THERE WAS A VACCINE FOR THE SELFISH KIND OF STUPID AS YOU

MAYBE THEN AUTISM WOULD BE WORTH THE FUCKING PAIN.

I AM NOT THE ONE TO ABUSE

I HAVE REASONS FOR MY OWN VIEWS

SO PLEASE STICK YOUR HEAD BACK UP YOUR FUCKIN ARSE

YOU CLAIM YOURE DISABLED WELL DONT LOOK FOR PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT HERE

STICK IT IN YOUR DEAF EAR.

YOU AINT HEARING

YOUR TOO BUSY PREACHING AND QUITE FRANKLY i DONT GIVE A FUCK

IF SOME PERSON DIDNT VACCINATE THEIR SON

WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING OUTSIDE AN UNSTERILE ENVIRONMENT

AS EARLY AS A MONTH?

DONT BLAME THAT SHIT ON ANYONE CAUSE IT MAKES MAMA FEEL BAD WHEN HER SHIT WAS DONE

MY OWN CHILD IS DAMAGED TRYING TO SAVE INSIGNIFICANT FUCKS LIKE YOU FROM THE SITUATION YOU ARE IN

ONLY THIS IS THE SIDE OF THE COIN THAT HURTS JUST AS MUCH AS YOURS

SO WHEN FEELING SHIT AND BELIVING SHIT THATS FINE BUT DONT SHOVE YOUR BULLSHIT DOWN MY THROAT

YOU LIVE AND LET LIVE. BAD SHIT HAPPENS IT HAPPENED TO BOTH OF US ON DIFFERENT SIDES OF THE COIN. YOU BELIEVE WHAT YOU WANT i WILL REGRET FOREVER THE DAY i LET THEM INJECT MY BABIES WITH MERCURY AND LEAD.

VACCINATIONS SAY NO! MONEY MAKING FEAR PEDLING SHIT. IT HAPPENS WHEN IT HAPPENS, THATS THE END OF IT. YOURE EITHER LUCKY OR YOURE NOT. BUT I DONT THINK A FEW SHOULD SPOIL THE MILLIONS AND I THINK THEY DID A FINE JOB IN FEEDING YOU BULLSHIT.

NUFF SAID.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

THIS IS A SUPER HARSH RANT i APOLOGISE FOR THOSE WHO ARE OFFNDED. BUT I DO NOT APOLOGISE FOR MY VIEWS.

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Transitory Thoughts

Being on the Internet and (stupidly) choosing to view commentary on any major website will usually result in anger. There’s inevitably going to be someone, somewhere who openly disagrees with everything that you believe in and, chances are, they will somehow be louder, angrier and more obnoxious than every other user that has preceded them. (Louder here means they just post incessantly. If you can actually hear them you may need to adjust your medication).

It’s easy to jump into that anger and engage it. Whether justified or not, EVERYONE assumes that they are right in almost everything that they do. If they don’t, they find arbitrary reasons to justify what they’re doing/saying. Almost no one can openly admit to being in the wrong without an ulterior motive behind the admission (especially on the Internet). But this isn’t necessarily due to selfishness; it’s because of fear. Fear is tied to self-preservation, sure, but it’s more instinctual and less conscious. Anyone who thinks of human beings as anything more than highly advanced animals simply want to believe that we are “special” and “chosen” by a Higher force that everybody is too afraid of trying to explain, because admitting to being unable to understand or prove the existence of that Higher power leaves us open to doubts. What if we’re wrong? What if death truly does spell the end of our awareness? What if we simply cease to be? Will anyone remember us? Are we even WORTH remembering?

I believe that our experiences are all that color our awareness and our morality, which is why almost every single aspect of life is totally subjective. Fear is what drives violence, because fear is what spawns hatred. You don’t feel threatened by someone who is different than you simply because of things that are cosmetic or dogmatic in nature - you feel threatened because they do not conform to the way that you see everything, and are therefore something that could provoke doubt in your mind. You could have been wrong this entire time, about everything, and they are potential proof of that. If you avoid them, or even get rid of them somehow, that doubt will be removed. You can settle back into being “correct” and feel that familiar, ignorant comfort. Ignorance here does not simply mean “racism” or “homophobia”; it translates to a shield you place in front of yourself to stop the many grey areas that life has to offer from affecting you. Is this wrong? Well, the concept of what is “wrong” is subjective too.

To accept an inherent value or truth in ANYTHING is to accept bias. Someone that came and lived before you established a belief, and you accepted it without proof or reasonable doubt. This equates to somebody, somewhere making an assumption; a generalization, and as any intelligent person knows, generalizations are never infallible and always, essentially, incorrect. It helps to think of life as an infinite series of circles and loops. There is no “right” answer for most of life’s biggest questions, and therefore, no end. But people cannot accept this, and I can understand why. It’s frightening. It implies a total lack of control. Logic states that death is the only true end, and not because it provides some sort of solution to all of the conflict and strife we endure at the hands of the world and each other. Its only result is silence without answers. The arguing will cease because we, who are clamoring and banging on about everything and nothing, will no longer be able to do so. We will cease to exist in the manner that we are accustomed. Whether or not our consciousness goes on is just one of those big questions, one which certainly has no answer.

In the end, there is no reasoning that can temper anger completely. Emotion and logic exist as two totally separate lenses through which we view reality. It’s difficult to mix the perspectives that they provide without muddying what might have been the “truth” at one point or another, but still, we persist and try. And as a result, there will never be an end to the conflict we stir amongst ourselves: members of the same species sharing the same ground and seeing the same events unfold before our eyes, but through differing shades and colors that divert us from things that are too bright, too sharp and too full of contrast. We fear the grey because it is at times too mundane, and at other times too complex. Absolutes are the only language that we, as a collective whole, are able to recognize, because they’re easy to understand.

I imagine life will continue as is until we’re all ready to accept a little ambiguity.

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Debt, Slavery, Bondage, Control, and pawns with no power.

“Debt, Slavery, Bondage, Control, and pawns with no power.”
~*~

"You there, bow before your king, your elected ruler and emperor. Do not forget to pay your penitence. Now how many your lord help you today "peasant". My farm, my crops they have succumb to the critters and destroyed over half of my field my Lord.

Kiss his hand, a whisper echos into the farmer kneeling before the king in all his rags. and sure enough he reached up and kissed the "treasure" wrapped in his fat fingers. So what is it you wish from your ruler? The poor man spoke in fear, My family is starving, my children are growing sick, and my wife, their mom passed away last winter. It's a war, to keep from falling under and finding myself waking up in an ally way. War!? WAR!? the King looked agitated by that very word. Do you not understand my poor farmer, that you know nothing of war, Without it there is no empire.
I will make you a deal farmer, Since I your ruler am feeling generous today, I shall let you keep 1% of your yield. After all you must as patriot to our great nation support our fight over seas. How does that sound? It's fair right? The emperor pressed on.
I....I....I suppose you are right, after all This is my land and I must protect it even if that mean giving up my land to allow this. See I know you had it in you, Now those crops are not going to be planting themselves now are they? best be going and getting the winter harvest ready, I am sure the townsfolk will greatly appreciate all of your hard work. Don't worry I am sure sally will save you a plate of corn, after all we cannot let our benefactor go without tasting his own creation. Enjoy now."

"Debt = Slavery / Bondage = Control / Pawns = 'Power'"

Author's Notes/Comments: 

My mind can often be a trap, and sometimes I am lucky enough to be able to get them down.

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Letting Off Steam

I can't seem to write anything that I like at the moment. I'm tired of writing poetry about being lonely, but that's all that seems to happen when I try. If I consciously try to avoid that subject, whatever comes out ends up feeling forced and it never sounds particularly great. I'm tired of dwelling on this subject and torturing myself with it, but I'm not sure how to let it go.

I suppose it comes down to who I've been trying to meet. I go to college bars and hit on college girls because that is the age group that I am unfortunately a part of. The problem is, when you're of college age yet you do not have a college degree and are not trying for one (at the moment or indefinitely), then people will automatically think a little bit less of you. This goes double for online dating, considering that all a potential mate has to do is glance at my profile, and if my face, personality or accomplishments are even slightly not to her liking, she can deny me without a second thought. And I can do the exact same.

It's hard to know certain things about yourself that other people consider inadequate. I'm one of the few people I know who places almost no importance in a college degree. To me, they mean very little. I will be duly impressed by one considering the work that it takes to achieve any sort of college degree, but not having one would certainly never, ever affect my judgment of another person. It's just a piece of paper, one that might as well just say "This person is exceptionally patient". There are a lot of eligible young bachelors out there who have done their time in college, but does that honestly make them better than me right off the bat? Hell, some people who DO have degrees would love to have the job that I do now. I may not make loads of money just yet, but I'm in a stable position with tons of growth potential, and I'm in a very nice building, surrounded by co-workers of all ages that I genuinely like. Not too shabby for some brat without four years of extra schooling and a BA under his belt, eh?

People keep telling me that I need to learn to love myself. "How can anyone love you, when you don't even love yourself?" That is a fantastic question. But really, am I the only person I know that has this problem? Probably. I don't really know, and honestly, I don't care to find out. I'm already in enough distress, being thrown from highs and lows due to pills, alcohol and marijuana. Even now, with the higher dosage of my medication, I still think about suicide on most days. Why? Why would I ever even daydream about an action so extreme, so final and so desperate? I don't know, I swear to you that I don't. I don't know why these thoughts flash across my conscious mind from time to time. My life is not that hard; in fact for the most part, it's been pretty easy.

My grandmother passed away recently, and I know that that has been adding to my collected melancholy. She was a sweet, tough old woman who helped raise me when I was young and both of my parents were busy working all the time. I was in the room when she passed, and I'm glad that I was able to say goodbye to her and keep her company along with all of her children during her final moments. I wish I had been a better grandson to her towards the end of her life. She was far too good to me for me to allow that to happen.

I think that my priorities are just completely out of order. I don't know what I should be focusing on. All I know is that I'm so lonely that I spend probably somewhere towards an hour per day cuddling with my cat. Is that sad, and maybe a little creepy? Yeah, I guess so. But you guys aren't judging me, right? Right?

.... Right?

I can't help that this world is filled with beautiful, amazing women. I can't help that I am 23-years-old and that women are on my mind literally 85% of the time. I suppose I could be trying to harder to stay in good shape, but why bother? That certainly didn't help last time, when I was at some sort of physical "peak". Girls just... Know. They just know that I lack something that they want, or that I have something that they don't want. If nobody wants me, what can I do? I am me and only me. I have never tried to be anyone besides myself, no matter how much I wanted to at times.

The thing is, I know that the next girl that I wind up getting involved with will be happy. When I find my next love, or at the very least, my next real relationship, I intend to give up smoking weed indefinitely. It'll keep my head clear and allow me to return to completely sober, normal me. Just like with Kathleen, who, despite having such high standards, couldn't resist falling for me at least a little bit. At my core, through all of crossed wiring and emotional hazards that litter my spiritual landscape, I'm still the person I used to be. I think. I'm kind, I have interesting things to say and I seem to look at the world and most of the things in it differently than most people that I know. I'm still creative and my creative ambitions have grown, though I haven't acted on them fully just yet. If I could find a girl that was able to see all of that, then maybe, just maybe, she'd want me to be her one and only.

I am the epitome of the average-looking young adult male. EVERYTHING about me is very non-descript. When you get up close and get a handful, you'll notice that I have a very nice and thick head of hair, and I've been told that I have an interesting eye color (I'm pretty sure this just means "I can't tell what color your eyes are from far away"). I'm by no means ugly. At times, I even find myself kind of pretty, but for the most part I think the girls I encounter skim right over me. It doesn't help when I have to compete with my friend Kevin, who is tall, dark and handsome. Girls flock to him constantly, and though he is 100% incapable of sealing the deal and still to this day has done nothing more than kiss a few girls, I still can't help but be frustrated by it. Even on a fucking online dating site that Kevin and I both use, girls who refuse to even answer me will stop and talk to him without provocation. Is there really that much of a gap between us? He also has the advantage of being buff and being in school for Photojournalism. And it's sad, because I've been seriously considering just not going out with him on the weekends anymore if it's to a bar. It's always the same. He and I are the two men in our group that are openly seeking out women, so we always tend to try and back each other up. But it doesn't matter. Girls stop and talk to Kevin, and though they may politely acknowledge my presence, that's usually about as far as it goes.

So, I'm lonely. I'm more lonely than I've ever been. But I'm probably still ridiculously unstable, and because of that, I'm surely seen as unappealing by the general female public. I want to kill myself because the idea of being unhappy for the rest of my life is terrifying, and I'd rather not put up with it. Knowing that it's an incurable affliction only makes it worse, as nothing will ever completely make it go away. Also unfortunate is knowing that if I could only find a good relationship with a good girl that loves me for who I am, I would be much happier than I am now. But surely things would go the way that they often do: my unhappiness would become hard to control and eventually, it would start to affect things between the girl and I.

Why even bother trying? Every girl that I've ever asked for advice has basically told me that girls just know how I feel about myself. They look at me and sense a vibe of victimization and self-loathing. How women are able to do this is still unclear to me, but it's really not that outlandish. Girls just... Don't want me. The ones that I've met that do, I of course don't want. I still have standards and am not going to date someone that I find unattractive and morally reprehensible, but I can feel myself growing a little more desperate. I just want some... Contact. Even if I could just spend a few hours laying with someone and being close - no kissing, no sex, no nothing - I would feel so much better. I just feel so alone right now.

Apologies for being me. I wish I could learn to love myself a bit more.

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