Letting Off Steam

I can't seem to write anything that I like at the moment. I'm tired of writing poetry about being lonely, but that's all that seems to happen when I try. If I consciously try to avoid that subject, whatever comes out ends up feeling forced and it never sounds particularly great. I'm tired of dwelling on this subject and torturing myself with it, but I'm not sure how to let it go.

I suppose it comes down to who I've been trying to meet. I go to college bars and hit on college girls because that is the age group that I am unfortunately a part of. The problem is, when you're of college age yet you do not have a college degree and are not trying for one (at the moment or indefinitely), then people will automatically think a little bit less of you. This goes double for online dating, considering that all a potential mate has to do is glance at my profile, and if my face, personality or accomplishments are even slightly not to her liking, she can deny me without a second thought. And I can do the exact same.

It's hard to know certain things about yourself that other people consider inadequate. I'm one of the few people I know who places almost no importance in a college degree. To me, they mean very little. I will be duly impressed by one considering the work that it takes to achieve any sort of college degree, but not having one would certainly never, ever affect my judgment of another person. It's just a piece of paper, one that might as well just say "This person is exceptionally patient". There are a lot of eligible young bachelors out there who have done their time in college, but does that honestly make them better than me right off the bat? Hell, some people who DO have degrees would love to have the job that I do now. I may not make loads of money just yet, but I'm in a stable position with tons of growth potential, and I'm in a very nice building, surrounded by co-workers of all ages that I genuinely like. Not too shabby for some brat without four years of extra schooling and a BA under his belt, eh?

People keep telling me that I need to learn to love myself. "How can anyone love you, when you don't even love yourself?" That is a fantastic question. But really, am I the only person I know that has this problem? Probably. I don't really know, and honestly, I don't care to find out. I'm already in enough distress, being thrown from highs and lows due to pills, alcohol and marijuana. Even now, with the higher dosage of my medication, I still think about suicide on most days. Why? Why would I ever even daydream about an action so extreme, so final and so desperate? I don't know, I swear to you that I don't. I don't know why these thoughts flash across my conscious mind from time to time. My life is not that hard; in fact for the most part, it's been pretty easy.

My grandmother passed away recently, and I know that that has been adding to my collected melancholy. She was a sweet, tough old woman who helped raise me when I was young and both of my parents were busy working all the time. I was in the room when she passed, and I'm glad that I was able to say goodbye to her and keep her company along with all of her children during her final moments. I wish I had been a better grandson to her towards the end of her life. She was far too good to me for me to allow that to happen.

I think that my priorities are just completely out of order. I don't know what I should be focusing on. All I know is that I'm so lonely that I spend probably somewhere towards an hour per day cuddling with my cat. Is that sad, and maybe a little creepy? Yeah, I guess so. But you guys aren't judging me, right? Right?

.... Right?

I can't help that this world is filled with beautiful, amazing women. I can't help that I am 23-years-old and that women are on my mind literally 85% of the time. I suppose I could be trying to harder to stay in good shape, but why bother? That certainly didn't help last time, when I was at some sort of physical "peak". Girls just... Know. They just know that I lack something that they want, or that I have something that they don't want. If nobody wants me, what can I do? I am me and only me. I have never tried to be anyone besides myself, no matter how much I wanted to at times.

The thing is, I know that the next girl that I wind up getting involved with will be happy. When I find my next love, or at the very least, my next real relationship, I intend to give up smoking weed indefinitely. It'll keep my head clear and allow me to return to completely sober, normal me. Just like with Kathleen, who, despite having such high standards, couldn't resist falling for me at least a little bit. At my core, through all of crossed wiring and emotional hazards that litter my spiritual landscape, I'm still the person I used to be. I think. I'm kind, I have interesting things to say and I seem to look at the world and most of the things in it differently than most people that I know. I'm still creative and my creative ambitions have grown, though I haven't acted on them fully just yet. If I could find a girl that was able to see all of that, then maybe, just maybe, she'd want me to be her one and only.

I am the epitome of the average-looking young adult male. EVERYTHING about me is very non-descript. When you get up close and get a handful, you'll notice that I have a very nice and thick head of hair, and I've been told that I have an interesting eye color (I'm pretty sure this just means "I can't tell what color your eyes are from far away"). I'm by no means ugly. At times, I even find myself kind of pretty, but for the most part I think the girls I encounter skim right over me. It doesn't help when I have to compete with my friend Kevin, who is tall, dark and handsome. Girls flock to him constantly, and though he is 100% incapable of sealing the deal and still to this day has done nothing more than kiss a few girls, I still can't help but be frustrated by it. Even on a fucking online dating site that Kevin and I both use, girls who refuse to even answer me will stop and talk to him without provocation. Is there really that much of a gap between us? He also has the advantage of being buff and being in school for Photojournalism. And it's sad, because I've been seriously considering just not going out with him on the weekends anymore if it's to a bar. It's always the same. He and I are the two men in our group that are openly seeking out women, so we always tend to try and back each other up. But it doesn't matter. Girls stop and talk to Kevin, and though they may politely acknowledge my presence, that's usually about as far as it goes.

So, I'm lonely. I'm more lonely than I've ever been. But I'm probably still ridiculously unstable, and because of that, I'm surely seen as unappealing by the general female public. I want to kill myself because the idea of being unhappy for the rest of my life is terrifying, and I'd rather not put up with it. Knowing that it's an incurable affliction only makes it worse, as nothing will ever completely make it go away. Also unfortunate is knowing that if I could only find a good relationship with a good girl that loves me for who I am, I would be much happier than I am now. But surely things would go the way that they often do: my unhappiness would become hard to control and eventually, it would start to affect things between the girl and I.

Why even bother trying? Every girl that I've ever asked for advice has basically told me that girls just know how I feel about myself. They look at me and sense a vibe of victimization and self-loathing. How women are able to do this is still unclear to me, but it's really not that outlandish. Girls just... Don't want me. The ones that I've met that do, I of course don't want. I still have standards and am not going to date someone that I find unattractive and morally reprehensible, but I can feel myself growing a little more desperate. I just want some... Contact. Even if I could just spend a few hours laying with someone and being close - no kissing, no sex, no nothing - I would feel so much better. I just feel so alone right now.

Apologies for being me. I wish I could learn to love myself a bit more.

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