Doubt
by Ria J. Leon
What fear grips you,
Like fall clutching summer?
Is it of death?
No, it is short,
It lasts a moment,
Only a glance,
Of nothing
Then life is memory
And nothing more.
Nothing there to fear.
What fear grips you,
Like flowers to rain?
Worthy is loss,
But still, the culprit time
She gives as well,
And all is seen again,
In dreams, in hope,
Maybe realized.
What fear grips you,
Like night to morning sun,
No terror could compare,
Ever a torture, constant,
Cruelest wonder,
Conceived alone,
In quite, and in dark.
Unless of course I'm wrong
When I was an infant
All I wanted was my parents
But when I got older
I didn’t want them anymore
So I started pulling away
And that continued
Until I turned eighteen
And I moved out the day I turned
And I never intended
On going back, not ever
Until the accident
That changed my mental
Thought processes
Now I am living
With them, again
Now I want to
Move away from them again
And I know that will
Be even harder
This time
~Chrystal
Written on
February 2, 2011
I BEEN STRESSED OUT LATELY
AND YOU JUST LIVING LIFE TO THE FULLEST
I'M TRAPPED IN A MAZE
AND I CAN'T GET MY MIND BACK TO REALITY
YOU STAND ON THE OUTSIDE OF THAT MAZE
AND JUST LOOK AT ME CRAZILY
NO, DON'T GET IT TWISTED I'M NOT CRAZY
TELL THE WHOLE WORLD DARREN SLIGHTLY INSANE
NO, THAT AIN'T AN EXCUSE I'M ME
I DON'T JUDGE YOU
IT AIN'T MY FAULT
I'M NOT PERFECT
I ONLY KNOW HOW TO BE ME
IT AIN'T MY FAULT I'M NOTHING
YOU PEOPLE DON'T EVEN HAVE FAITH IN ME
IT AIN'T MY FAULT
THINGS HAPPEN THE WAY THEY DO
THAT'S THE WAY GOD WANT THINGS TO BE
IT AIN'T MY FAULT
I KEEP PROBLEMS TO MYSELF
ITS JUST THE WAY I HAVE TO BE
IT AIN'T MY FAULT
EVERYONE WANT TO BLAME ME
FOR WHAT PROBLEMS THEY CARRY
IT AIN'T MY FAULT
THAT DEMONS SURROUND ME
IT AIN'T MY FAULT
BECAUSE, ITS YOUR FAULT
BUT I UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING NOW
EVERYTHING'S ALWAYS GOING TO BE
MY FAULT HUH
Lost in thought;
Simply unwinding.
Forever love lost
So un-a-binding.
Whispers and secrets,
Kept dead in the night.
Once trust is broken,
And taken for spite;
May I never trust again
My heart to another,
May I never again,
Be taken for granted;
Never be over taken.
Stumbling on in life,;
Needing the answer.
Questions build up,
Forming a cancer.
The burdens never leave;
Never do they fade.
Hidden so deep,
My heart awaits;
For that moment,
It can leave it's shell—
And never again,
Have to be where I am—
Today.
He sees only me, wants only me;
But I can't believe him.
He holds me close,
And whispers love for eternity;
But I refuse to hear him.
I see his arms wide open;
His mind half empty.
His words float towards me,
And I quickly swat them away.
I don't see the beauty skin deep,
Or underneath;
I was never an ugly duckling,
Because now I am nothing close-
To a beautiful swan.
He says he sees me for who I am;
That he doesn not want to know me,
But he does;
I am the only thing to enter his mind.
All I see in the mirror is filth;
I should be happy he chose me.
“Help Me!” I scream,
As I try holding on to sanity.
“Hold me!” I yell.
No one seems to hear me .
“Take me away.” I plead,
But it seems I am invisible;
I stand in a crowd of people.
“Can you hear me?!” I exclaim,
Getting agitated.
Bodies walk through me, as if I am not here.
“Hello? Are you blind?” I ask one female body;
Not a glance, nor a gesture.
So, this is how it feels to disappear.
Isn't this what I wanted?
To be free, and have no connections.
To have people leave me alone?
“Okay, enough now!
I'm right here, I'm waving my arms in your face.
Try to see me, know I am here!”
This is how it must be, to disappear.
Is he looking at me,
why? eyes peer, you see?
Like being followed,
an unknown force.
I feel paranoid,
but it's real,
Eyes that follow,
every movement you can feel.
Knocking in back,
like a coal miner,
always letting me know
they're there.
A black cloud hovers above,
no chance, no love.
Sick and sad,
lost and confused,
I feel empty and used.
you come home earlier then expected,
but this time wasted
trying to preserve yourself a lil
with a bottle of red merlot
cause the empty glass reflects doubts
what did they say to you there,
in their psuedo-triumph
to crumble apart your prev'ous view
of yourself and do you worry
that i see at all the way they do?
i'm sensing the skin on you
trying to hide out of view
when your eyes look to the ground
and you ask just what i'm looking at
paintings from different era's
and different cultures
depict beauty differently
color, size, symmetry
but in any time to come
and any time that's gone
no matter what you wear and weigh,
and where - you're very beautiful
you're very beautiful to me
and that's what it takes to last an eternity
and i hope you see in yourself what i see in us both
don't go plastic and silicon
you're very beautiful
your cousins clearly have issues,
quite a few
telling you to upgrade a size or two
i'd hate to burst their bubbles
it'd be bad for their health
paintings from different era's
and different cultures
depict beauty differently
color, size, symmetry
but in any time to come
and any time that's gone
no matter what you wear and weigh,
and where - you're very beautiful
you're very beautiful to me
and that's what it takes to last an eternity
and i hope you see in yourself what i see in us both
don't go plastic and silicon
you're very beautiful
people sacrifice a part of themselves
for a part of someone else
and it's an invasion
that starts to take over
and i'd never wanna lose you
but if you ever left me don't leave yourself
it should never go down that way
you're very beautiful
you came home earlier then expected,
but this time wasted
trying to preserve yourself a lil
with a bottle of red merlot
cause the empty glass reflects doubts
i'm sensing the skin on you
crawling to hide out of view
when your eyes look to the ground
makes me sad how you look at yourself like that
the arts from different era's
and different cultures
depict beauty differently
color, size, symmetry
but in any time to come
and any time that's gone
no matter what you wear and weigh,
and where - you're very beautiful
you're very beautiful to me
and that's what it takes to outlast an eternity
of narrow ideas, can you view what i see in us both
don't go plastic and silicon
you're very beautiful
you're very beautiful
you're very beautiful
Every freakon time you tell yourself the same crap
You weren't looking for love...
She came out of no where...
She is "perfect"...
Every freakon time, the same ole story
How out of despair came the perfect girl to rid you of all the sadness
And every freakon time they manage to disapoint.
Whether it be infidility, confrontation, or selfishness they are never
good enough.
You write them poems of love and perfection. You tell them how there
is no one like them in all the world.
Every freakon time it becomes a lie. You end up writing more poems
about betrayol, arguments and doubt.
Than finally one day, once again, you are alone. You than find
insignificant woman to make yourself feel better.
You screw them over with the same unemotional gestures you felt used
against yourself.
Until you meet another one... Another young lady who has that special
quality, another young woman unlike any other.
You tell yourself, this is it, this is the one. You can finally stop
searching, finally love someone and have them love you just as much.
They never do, they never love you with the same affection, loyalty
and selflessness that you love them with.
People are selfish, and you can easily keep them happy, and you always
do. It's time to start realizing that you need the same love in return.
You can't keep giving and never getting anything in return.
I know you love them with all your heart, the way you always do and
always will. It's time to stop the cycle.