Self-doubt

Doubt

Doubt
by Ria J. Leon

What fear grips you,
Like fall clutching summer?
Is it of death?
No, it is short,
It lasts a moment,
Only a glance,
Of nothing
Then life is memory
And nothing more.
Nothing there to fear.

What fear grips you,
Like flowers to rain?
Worthy is loss,
But still, the culprit time
She gives as well,
And all is seen again,
In dreams, in hope,
Maybe realized.

What fear grips you,
Like night to morning sun,
No terror could compare,
Ever a torture, constant,
Cruelest wonder,
Conceived alone,
In quite, and in dark.
Unless of course I'm wrong

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I wrote this one about doubting if there's a God

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Breaking Away

Folder: 
2011

When I was an infant

All I wanted was my parents

But when I got older

I didn’t want them anymore

So I started pulling away

And that continued

Until I turned eighteen

And I moved out the day I turned

And I never intended

On going back, not ever

Until the accident

That changed my mental

Thought processes

Now I am living

With them, again

Now I want to

Move away from them again

And I know that will

Be even harder

This time

 

~Chrystal

Written on

February 2, 2011

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This is another one about my parents and my self doubt related to it. Breaking away from them, yet again.

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MY FAULT HUH

I BEEN STRESSED OUT LATELY

AND YOU JUST LIVING LIFE TO THE FULLEST

I'M TRAPPED IN A MAZE

AND I CAN'T GET MY MIND BACK TO REALITY

YOU STAND ON THE OUTSIDE OF THAT MAZE

AND JUST LOOK AT ME CRAZILY

NO, DON'T GET IT TWISTED I'M NOT CRAZY

TELL THE WHOLE WORLD DARREN SLIGHTLY INSANE

NO, THAT AIN'T AN EXCUSE I'M ME

I DON'T JUDGE YOU

IT AIN'T MY FAULT

I'M NOT PERFECT

I ONLY KNOW HOW TO BE ME

IT AIN'T MY FAULT I'M NOTHING

YOU PEOPLE DON'T EVEN HAVE FAITH IN ME

IT AIN'T MY FAULT

THINGS HAPPEN THE WAY THEY DO

THAT'S THE WAY GOD WANT THINGS TO BE

IT AIN'T MY FAULT

I KEEP PROBLEMS TO MYSELF

ITS JUST THE WAY I HAVE TO BE

IT AIN'T MY FAULT

EVERYONE WANT TO BLAME ME

FOR WHAT PROBLEMS THEY CARRY

IT AIN'T MY FAULT

THAT DEMONS SURROUND ME

IT AIN'T MY FAULT

BECAUSE, ITS YOUR FAULT

BUT I UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING NOW

EVERYTHING'S ALWAYS GOING TO BE

MY FAULT HUH

Author's Notes/Comments: 

JUST WROTE IT OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD, GOING THROUGH SOME THINGS AND THE BLAME IS ON ME.

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Simply Unwinding

Lost in thought;

Simply unwinding.

Forever love lost

So un-a-binding.

Whispers and secrets,

Kept dead in the night.

Once trust is broken,

And taken for spite;

May I never trust again

My heart to another,

May I never again,

Be taken for granted;

Never be over taken.

Stumbling on in life,;

Needing the answer.

Questions build up,

Forming a cancer.

The burdens never leave;

Never do they fade.

Hidden so deep,

My heart awaits;

For that moment,

It can leave it's shell—

And never again,

Have to be where I am—

Today.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written in 2003

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Me for Me

He sees only me, wants only me;

But I can't believe him.

He holds me close,

And whispers love for eternity;

But I refuse to hear him.

I see his arms wide open;

His mind half empty.

His words float towards me,

And I quickly swat them away.

I don't see the beauty skin deep,

Or underneath;

I was never an ugly duckling,

Because now I am nothing close-

To a beautiful swan.

He says he sees me for who I am;

That he doesn not want to know me,

But he does;

I am the only thing to enter his mind.

All I see in the mirror is filth;

I should be happy he chose me.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written in September of 2005

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To Disappear

“Help Me!” I scream,

As I try holding on to sanity.

“Hold me!” I yell.

No one seems to hear me .

“Take me away.” I plead,

But it seems I am invisible;

I stand in a crowd of people.

“Can you hear me?!” I exclaim,

Getting agitated.

Bodies walk through me, as if I am not here.

“Hello? Are you blind?” I ask one female body;

Not a glance, nor a gesture.

So, this is how it feels to disappear.

Isn't this what I wanted?

To be free, and have no connections.

To have people leave me alone?

“Okay, enough now!

I'm right here, I'm waving my arms in your face.

Try to see me, know I am here!”

This is how it must be, to disappear.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written in 2002

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Conscious

Is he looking at me,

why? eyes peer, you see?

Like being followed,

an unknown force.

I feel paranoid,

but it's real,

Eyes that follow,

every movement you can feel.

Knocking in back,

like a coal miner,

always letting me know

they're there.

A black cloud hovers above,

no chance, no love.

Sick and sad,

lost and confused,

I feel empty and used.


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You're Very Beautiful

you come home earlier then expected,
but this time wasted
trying to preserve yourself a lil
with a bottle of red merlot
cause the empty glass reflects doubts

what did they say to you there,
in their psuedo-triumph
to crumble apart your prev'ous view
of yourself and do you worry
that i see at all the way they do?

i'm sensing the skin on you
trying to hide out of view
when your eyes look to the ground
and you ask just what i'm looking at

paintings from different era's
and different cultures
depict beauty differently
color, size, symmetry

but in any time to come
and any time that's gone
no matter what you wear and weigh,
and where - you're very beautiful

you're very beautiful to me
and that's what it takes to last an eternity
and i hope you see in yourself what i see in us both
don't go plastic and silicon
you're very beautiful

your cousins clearly have issues,
quite a few
telling you to upgrade a size or two
i'd hate to burst their bubbles
it'd be bad for their health

paintings from different era's
and different cultures
depict beauty differently
color, size, symmetry

but in any time to come
and any time that's gone
no matter what you wear and weigh,
and where - you're very beautiful

you're very beautiful to me
and that's what it takes to last an eternity
and i hope you see in yourself what i see in us both
don't go plastic and silicon
you're very beautiful

people sacrifice a part of themselves
for a part of someone else
and it's an invasion
that starts to take over

and i'd never wanna lose you
but if you ever left me don't leave yourself
it should never go down that way
you're very beautiful

you came home earlier then expected,
but this time wasted
trying to preserve yourself a lil
with a bottle of red merlot
cause the empty glass reflects doubts

i'm sensing the skin on you
crawling to hide out of view
when your eyes look to the ground
makes me sad how you look at yourself like that

the arts from different era's
and different cultures
depict beauty differently
color, size, symmetry

but in any time to come
and any time that's gone
no matter what you wear and weigh,
and where - you're very beautiful

you're very beautiful to me
and that's what it takes to outlast an eternity
of narrow ideas, can you view what i see in us both
don't go plastic and silicon
you're very beautiful
you're very beautiful
you're very beautiful

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The Cycle

Every freakon time you tell yourself the same crap



You weren't looking for love...



She came out of no where...



She is "perfect"...



Every freakon time, the same ole story



How out of despair came the perfect girl to rid you of all the sadness



And every freakon time they manage to disapoint.



Whether it be infidility, confrontation, or selfishness they are never  

good enough.



You write them poems of love and perfection. You tell them how there  

is no one like them in all the world.



Every freakon time it becomes a lie. You end up writing more poems  

about betrayol, arguments and doubt.



Than finally one day, once again, you are alone. You than find  

insignificant woman to make yourself feel better.



You screw them over with the same unemotional gestures you felt used  

against yourself.



Until you meet another one... Another young lady who has that special  

quality, another young woman unlike any other.



You tell yourself, this is it, this is the one. You can finally stop  

searching, finally love someone and have them love you just as much.



They never do, they never love you with the same affection, loyalty  

and selflessness that you love them with.



People are selfish, and you can easily keep them happy, and you always  

do. It's time to start realizing that you need the same love in return.



You can't keep giving and never getting anything in return.



I know you love them with all your heart, the way you always do and  

always will. It's time to stop the cycle.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Far too often I put myself in these Love cycles that seem to just repeat over and over again...

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