Self-doubt

where do i belong

I sit here in the computer lab 18 years of age as

i try and attempt to write something clever and meaningful

yet I struggle to find out what it is I’m seeking or feeling.

I can’t make out my emotions yet and i can’t seem to forget them and let them go

I ponder most of my days of my childhood wishing I could go back and feel

The way I did before.

There was no such thing as time for me growing up

But time for me now is one thing I’m afraid of.

I sit here dying of irresponsibility giving off the vibe that im not

But who am i

I struggle between who I am, who should I be and who I want to be.

On the outside, as a stranger I am strong.

I am intelligent; and with a good head on my shoulder.

My life seems together but I want something more.

I lie to strangers and to myself

What they see is who I wish I can be

Yet im not who they think I am

Im messes trying to find out where I am suppose to go

I hate it .

IM TIRED TIRED TIRED of living each day lost, fading in and out between personalities

And not knowing when to finally just say stop. BE WHO I AM

Be who I want to be…. I WANT the world to see, I want EVERYONE TO SEE!!

I am still me, a regular person on the outside

And torn on the inside by self doubt

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Nothing

Everytime when you walked by

every glimpse you give me with your spitful eyes

every night i sat alone by my self

caring not of anything but your own sinful health

I surely hope you read this

now im drowning in your dreams abyss

this guilty girl is dying

in her own evilness



Open you heart and see yourself

there's no others here inside yourself

every lingering finger

every taunting kiss

I'm dragging you all with me

you wrote the ending like this



Cautious belonging

as Self loathing is your longing

the darkness breaches

such delicate thoughts

and to you

i am unknowing



Open you heart and see yourself

there's no others here inside yourself

every lingering finger

every taunting kiss

I'm dragging you all with me

you wrote the ending like this



[whisper]

{AND ALL OF THIS IS GROWING}I am everything I fear~

{IT'S ALL IN YOUR HEAD} i'm trying to get out~

{THERE IS NOWHERE YOUR GOING} I need you here~

{YOUR THOUGHTS ARE NOW BUT DEAD} Makes me wanna shout~



YOU'RE NOTHING!!!

WITHOUT MEMORIES AS YOUR SWORD

YOU'RE NOTHING!!!

NOTHING OF ANY SORTS

NOTHING!!!

YOUR FEELING

NOTHING!!!

TO EVEN ADHERE!!



Cold in my chamber

you awaken my slumber

conterfeit and cunning

reopening lifes plumbing

Your foot steps echo

my cold stirring body

there's nothing more left

just song without it's clef



Open your eyes and see yourself

there's no others here inside yourself

every lingering finger

every taunting kiss

I'm dragging you all with me

you wrote the ending like this



YOU'RE NOTHING!!!

WITHOUT MEMORIES AS YOUR SWORD

YOU'RE NOTHING!!!

NOTHING OF ANY SORTS

NOTHING!!!

YOUR FEELING

NOTHING!!!

TO EVEN ADHERE!!

YOU'RE NOTHING!!!

WITHOUT MEMORIES AS YOUR SWORD

YOU'RE NOTHING!!!

NOTHING OF ANY SORTS

NOTHING!!!

Author's Notes/Comments: 

12 Aug 09 0131

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Moving Fast

The clock is ticking, time flys by

its moving quick, and I don't know why

It's almost done, the hands move fast

how much longer can this last?



Now I'm moving slow as last seconds come

When it hits zero will it all be done?

Thoughts begin to turn into moments

Its all over! Everyone knows it



Did I make it? I hide the clock

looking down and still in schock

time ran out, its all gone

life's dusk turns to dawn



The clock starts back at twelve

in the next hour and all is well

once again time flys by

its moving fast and I still don't know why.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This is about me starting the next big part of my life.

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It's Rare I Feel Shame

In all the time spent in my own head

I often wonder if I've ever made something beautiful

I'm obsessed with myself in the sorriest way

But I want to be beautiful too

I want to help and to understand

But I want to aid myself first

The goodness in me is so shallow and ordinary

So ordinary that what good can it do?

I run in circles for eternity

Chasing my own tail and repeating my lessons

I am not good, as I have blinded myself

And through every voice, I have nothing to admire

Nothing I have crafted is worth a second glance

Nor am I, in all of my apathetic splendor

I do nothing for no one

Other than complain

I want to shine

I want others to shine

But I want to shine first

And I know that it makes me something to look down on

I've never created, just accented

Never fixed, just provided supplies

Never aided, just reinforced others

Never done anything worthwhile

And realizing this

That I'm selfish, infantile and sad

And that I'm of no use to anybody

Nothing.

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Help

I've lost my train of thought

I don't know who I am

You say, "You know,

everybody goes through this once."

But you don't understand



Underneath the guitar

There's a girl hiding a frown

Is she just doing this to look cool?

Look again, who's got you fooled

With her lyrics scattered on the ground



Is this who I should be

I mean, I'm me but I don't know who I am right now

If I ever was myself

And the apathy

has me backed into a corner again

And I know

there isn't anybody that can help

me out

help me out



Take tonight off for once

Thinking 'bout what I had

You thought you knew

When everyone finally accepted you

that you'd never be sad



Scrape the dirt from under your nails

wipe all the dust from your eyes

Everything's become

so fucking cloudy that you don't know where you belong

When the rain clears, you won`t be surprised

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The Love Promise

Folder: 
2009

Love,

Being born is just the start

Paving the road as we embark

Its time put together the parts

To ignite the fire that is our art

Promise we'll set the spark



Love, (hello?)

Reveal a plight of beauty from up high

Breathless after just the sight

Heart beating so fast, thought I would fly

The voice of an has angel melted my mind

Promise we'll unite upon the twilight



Love, (Notice me?)

Parallel our essence, meeting at the scene

Permit the illustration of you and of me

Sitting here wondering what we could be

The world has almost nothing I need

Promise to be my everything



Love, (take me away?)

Far from all disgrace and mistakes

Distance ourselves, isolated by waves

Hold me so close you'd think its in vain

Promise to be the bane of my pain



Love, (be my untamed heroine?)

Show me ways that'll make my head spin

Heat up my soul till I plaster a grin

Cool me down with a gently sung hymn

Bringing it out from deep within

Doing it over and over again

Promise me we'll soon be kin



Love, (could I be going insane?)

Falling this hard, should I be ashamed

Never will you do it, who am I to blame

I've said what I needed to go on with my day

When I see you around I might dream the same way

Promise I'll never get in your way

Author's Notes/Comments: 

June 25, 2009

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Proclaimation of the Flaw

Within my mechanics is a heart of gore

Twitching in sync with the world at large

It is seen through a flaw, that gapes wide and full

A crack that I cannot control

It was created of another will

And so she chose to influence me

To damage me in retaliation, for my carelessness

As a reminder that she owned me, for a time

Pins between the two us that served to part the ways

Creating distance and mistrust

And leading to our eventual climax

With all I have and all I own

I fill the gap that succumbs to the breeze

But I absorb it, consume it and digest it for decades

Letting it go with a sigh

My heartbeats still reveal my presence

As the wasps build nests in my empty chasms

And I'll cough with every sting

Accepting that I am damaged goods.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Meow.

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Reflecting Me Unto Me

I suppose I've been living my life as a generator for inner turmoil. The most dramatic experiences of my life have been, at least in part, due to my own actions or my own lack of action. I haven't doomed myself to anything permanent, but this maze I've become so lost in just seems to drag on for thousands of miles. I do what I can to stay occupied and I continue to struggle for some true sense of self-satisfaction and worth. But it never stays. It never stays for more than a few minutes; an hour or two at best. And that seems to be entirely thanks to my inability to accept myself in any feasible way.



My cat is hurt again. I don't want him to be hurting. I want to him to frolick and play and be a pain in ass, so that I can scoop him up or yell at him or have a little battle with him over the edge of my bed. He's the only household cure I have for this unending sense of hateful loneliness. I suppose my reasons for wishing him good health are selfish at root, but I've come to think of humanity as a species that is entirely motivated by greed. No matter how good are intentions: In the end, we only act to fulfill ourselves.



I'm jealous of Kevin. In every way, I wish I could be more like him. I'm so jealous of him that it hurts to be around him. He's healthy, attractive, happy and creative in ways that I cannot train myself to be no matter how I try. He may be a little empty-headed, but I believe that may be part of why he is able to live in such a carefree manner. He has never experienced love, sex, or even something so simple as a kiss on the lips. But is that so bad? Despite its rewards, love is corruption in a sinister sense. It spawns new desires, and bends an otherwise level-headed person into something they've never imagined before.

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Desperatly Missing You

I wish you were here,

Needing you like crazy girl,

My thoughts are unclear,

And I can't hear my voice anymore.

I welcome tears,

But the jokes still on me,

And I'm screaming desperately.

It's a game of hide and seek,

I hide,

They cheat.

Debating a disguise, But don't want the lies,

Guess I'll have to turn the cheek.

Just let it be,

Cause no one ever see's,

That life takes no sides,

Just low and high rides.

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