Self-doubt

WHO I AM PART I

I smoked all the good ones

Crap is left in this pack

I wanna kill them all

My anger might let me attack

To all who said I couldn’t do what I wanted fuck you for doubting who I am

To all who said I wasn’t good enough… in front of you is where I stand.

To all who thought I was crazy

You were right I am

I am not a killer

But I have the anger of one

I have this pain

My father says “I’ve been angry for so long”

Okay. so what? fuck him

He made me what I am

He made me want to kill everything that ever tried to hurt me

And he is on that list

He the man that birthed me

I give him no props all he did was lay on his back

It’s my mother who pushed me out of her womb

For hours I would relax in her lap

It’s my mother who been there wiping my ass as I toddler when I couldn’t reach

It’s my mother and I that used to go to Hellshire beach

It’s my mother who told me as a child don’t play with bleach

So I don’t care if dem waan call her thief

My father never tried to reach out

Or maybe he did and it was just too late

By that time you couldn’t justify “being there” just because you had a little birthday party when I was eleven and you bought a cake.

Sometimes I think my father was so fake

Sometimes I hate him for everything he’s done.

Yet I don’t hate him at all

Because from him I was sprung.

People sometimes make so many mistakes and don’t learn from them

Then they live to regret the things they’ve done.

My father I’m sure regrets treating his kids and wife like shit.

Now his life isn’t worth a drop of spit.

I cried the day my aunt told me

He contemplated suicide

But I felt a connection

Because for once we had something in common

I can’t believe I said that

But this is a poem

And that’s how I feel.

I’m not pretending to be perfect.

THIS IS LIFE!!!!

I AM REAL!!!

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Mouse Chaser

Let’s play personally

Cat and Mouse

tumbling and torturing away.

I’ll prey on you

my perfect partner of complexity.

You be the musing mouse

and I the calculating cat.

We can separate

Like oil and water.

Try to play nice with presents,

give milk to satisfy my needs.

My claws dig in deeper

gauging your skin.

Be my little cat toy

wind-up-mice firing squad.

Shoot off in sections

distracting the fast feline.

Starry eyed at my strength

you’ll crumble, crying “CAT!”

Maybe next time, mouse.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Maybe I'm both the Mouse and the Cat?

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Unwanted

Folder: 
Broken heart

Left to bleed

Feeling unloved

Never knowing

Why she feels this



Why is it her that’s in pain

Does she deserve it

Is this a punishment

Torture from god



Showing her she is worthless

Undeserving of love

That no one could love her

All she gets is pain



Nothing even close to love

Hatred all around

Tears in the eyes

Of all she loves



Nothing she can do to stop it

What is done is done

Past is gone

She must learn to move on



And stop all the pain she causes

Show everyone she loves

Trying to prove her loyalty



Showing them their wrong

That she will be loved

And happy like she should

That nothing is going to ruin the new love

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Flame Filled Lies

Douse your lies in gasoline

like a ticking time bomb,

whose paranoia flips the switch.



The small hands of the clock pulling closer

plucking away the nonsense,

vanishing all the deceit phantoms

left in my head from you.



Liars lose their license to love

when they crush each other.

You cracked my hidden code

collected all my falacies

and pretended you didn't know.



Such a self-indulgence.

A silly symphony of sympathy

played at my demise.



And now you've lost your touch,

drownt me with your lies.

In that pool of kerosine,

waiting to ignite.



POOF.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Don't Tell Me You Lied!
Have Manners...
Keep It A Secret.

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You

Folder: 
By Others

I'm lost in a sea of darkness



Nowhere to go but back



Turning in circles looking for an out



About ready to give up







A light shines through



Revealing truth and faith



Heading to an open, hope surging



I'm almost there, time to smile







Something pulls me back



A voice sounds in the tunnels of darkness



Trying to lure me away form something I want



Its tempting, its using my weakness's against me







I turn back



Realizing what I want isn't there



I turn to you waiting for me



I look in the direction of the voice







I tell the voice to go away



I know what I want



The light shines on your smiling face



The motivation I need to get away is you







I finally make it to the end of the tunnel



You're not there



But the memory of is present



Its all I need until I see you again







Smiling as I exit the tunnel



I hear a train that brings me back to that day



From now I know what to think about if I get lost

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Sent to MySpace by Krista - June, 2007

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My Crime

I can feel you always there.

You grab and torture my heart,

grasp and rip apart my mind

'til I fear I'm not all there,

make me feel my soul's damned,

and part me from all blessings.

I often know that you're there,

but I've never seen your face.

You're keeping me from heaven,

but I do not know your name,

severity, or nature.

You may kill me in the end

or send me deep into hell,

but I know not what I've done

to have the sentence I'll get.

Why have you come to torture

my body, mind, and spirit?

Maybe I'll find out someday.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Felt like this for years.  I often wonder just what I've done or how much I've done to feel like this.

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The End Pt. 3

I stumble in the dark

And my heart stops as the earth rushes to meet me



I throw my hands out to catch myself

and slam into the ground



I lay there in the dirt

I feel at home



The opportunity presents itself

so I rest

There on the cold, hard ground



I started down this path

With one thought in my mind



"She's there, waiting"



Doubt crawls up my spine

And makes its home in my head



"No she isn't... she's happy with him...

no matter how much I try, how much I do...

I'll be in this constant state of heartbreak



Forever..."



I swallow the lump in my throat

And push myself upward



Back on my feet

I'm driven forward by pure adrenaline



I focus on that light, flickering ahead of me

And drop into a dead run



"I'll never give up, not so long as I live"

The light is so far away... but I'll push

Push until I reach it



No matter how much doubt, or fear I encounter



I WILL make it to that light

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Tired

Unpublished Work © February 28, 2007 Shanell Meek



I’m tired of trying.

And tired of crying.



Tired of my mind telling me

I’m not good enough.



Tired of living the same day.



Tired of people

Who say I’m not right.



Tired of life not being fair.



Tired of feeling sorry for myself.



Tired of my stupid insecurities.



I want to live,

I want to love,

I want to be loved.



But I’m just too tired.



Tired of depression.



Tired of being tired.



Give me a reason,

Give me a rhyme.

Give me light to find my way,

Along the dark path we call life.



I’m sorry I’m not right,

I’m sorry I’m so sad,

I try to be happy.



These secrets that I’ve had,

They drive me crazy and make me hurt.



I’m heading for a breakdown,

If I don’t get them off my chest.



No one to tell!



So I’ll hold them inside.



Until I’m too tired,

To hold these secrets quiet.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I actually wrote this for a friend after a conversation we had about her life, and everything that has happened to her....I know it's kind of depressing. As is life sometimes!

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Mortality

Folder: 
Book 5

I can feel it twisting and turning

Tormenting my insides.

The devils inside are loose upon my soul again

Tormenting my very existence in this life.

The voices whispering in my ear.

Reminding me of my death and birth

Screaming winds of my soul.

The darkness moves again inside

Telling me my own end is at hand.

Reminding me of my very own mortality.

Showing me how much life is a gift and curse

I open my eyes and watch the world flood my view

Colors shifting and moving never staying in place

I close them again and feel the calming darkness wash over me

Thats when it truly hits me.

Darkness,

Why do I feel safe?

I can feel the darkness of my soul pulling on me

Dragging me down deeper into despair and madness.

It is like a drug, addictive, making me hunger for more.

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