Self-doubt

Depression

Folder: 
Self

Some days i just don't know what i'm living for

there have been so many times when i just wanted it all to end

i know that i really don't want to die, but i just need some release.

I have no clue what to do, and the ones that have helped me in the past are gone... don't care how I feel anymore.

The ones who care about me now need more help than I do.

I feel like i'm sandwhiched between people who don't care and people who need me. But if I save everyone who will save me?


Author's Notes/Comments: 

help me?

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My Writing Really Sucks

So I’m trying to write a poem

But I’m not sure what to say

Maybe I should talk about

My experiences of the day



No, nevermind

That really isn’t much

Sometimes I swear

That my writing really sucks



How about my car?

No, I won’t write about my hooptie

But I shouldn’t crack a joke

Cause that car means a lot to me



Maybe I should talk about my friend

Ahh, no that won’t work either

Gosh, its so cold in here

Better close the window before I catch a fever



Ok..ok..enough stalling

But what should I write?

Maybe I should talk about

The dream I had last night



Oh whatever..forget it

I’ll just go to bed

Maybe while im sleeping

Some ideas will flourish through my head

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Internally Blocked

Let the sunshine hit me in the face



May it show me where is my place



Shine light to the dark corners of my soul



Show me now what is my role



I have to define where is my fit



Then I will know when to come and when to get



Let peace flow through my vains



Let love sever all the chains



Everyday there is something I hold back



The reason being, there is something I lack



What it is I do not know



Somehow, someway it blocks the flow

Author's Notes/Comments: 

November 8, 2007

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This Shell

Sometimes I wish I wasn't me

Get me out of this body and set me free

There are so many things I want to see

So many places I want to be



This shell that I am in tells all lies

With each rejection a bit of me dies

With each failure my soul sighs

Knowing this why should I try



To be what a real man wants

To be someone that others hunt

It would be nice to have that front

To not be thrown back like a runt



I want someone to see the real me

To know me to the highest degree

To want to be the keeper of my heart's key

To love me and never want to flee

Author's Notes/Comments: 

July 8, 2008

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Changes to Perfection

Things have changed and I know that's part of life

Yet some things shouldn't have gone under the knife.

About everything has become different to me.

About everything is different than it should be.



There's some days where I just feel so lost.

Days where I just want to stay in bed at all cost.

The world is one scary place.

An everyone in it has more than one face.



I'm not sure exactly where I am heading.

Yet, I have been taken under one's wing.

He has pointed me in the right direction.

Maybe I can still turn my life into perfection.



Even though I have company

It's still uncertain here for me

There's still a lot of decisions to make.

Still a lot of paths to take.



There's some days where I just feel so lost.

Days where I just want to stay in bed at all cost

I still think I need assistance.

These trying months have been so intense.



Of course help from another I will not ask.

Cause everyone has their own task.

To another I don't want to be a problem

My life issues I will one day hem...



He has pointed me in the right direction.

Maybe I can still turn my life into perfection.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

April 22, 2006

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First Snowfall

As she looks out into the grey sky covered window

and watch the snow fall

She thinks to herself that the cold has frozen over

Just like the heart that pumps the blood in her body

Streams of ice water, numb and unable to feel

Love dies within from what has blossomed earlier on

an ironic cycle

Maybe she should take on the name of the Ice Queen

for noone has been able to come close

all chances killed

all affections cease to infest themselves

nothing remains

but scraps of dead leaves and branches

along with the memories of what could have beens

She has come to the conclusion, that deep down within

all minds are partly delusional

our terms of reality differs through each eyes

and our ways to feel indifferent

This solemn beauty washes over her

Left with the residue of filth and corruption

the comfort of this state of mind

the warmth in this empty and useless offering

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Evening Song

Each life moves with a shadow,

And each Life confirms a shadow!



Remnants of the life of the deceased

Lingered in the obituaries of the tabloid

(Souls of happiness and sorrow

Souls full of benevolence or unstoppable violence

Of kindred spirit and salubrious wit

Of unfathomable pathos

Of mothers, fathers and children

Yesterday here, today gone forever

On an odyssey of no return)



This is evening!



I sat on a sea shore

Musing on the incident of my life

Whispering the phases of my past

Of listless human vanity

And pretention of wit and wisdom

My greed to fulfil unmet wishes

Feigned  cordiality in meetings

Farewells, and pleasantries

And many unpleasant things

Fancied the life’s flight with fettered wings



What is life? I murmur

Looking at my hands and feet

Stretched in wet sand, brown and still

Coveting the intimacy of nymphs

That flicker in mind and depart

With the surge of each yelping tide



Winter covered memories with dry leaves

A cursory wind swept the foliage,

Revealing the truth of latent lives

And subliminal messages left by indelible age



With a life that persisted through the errata of obituaries

I lived in a déjà vu of warmth and laughter

Life appeared larger as the desires ascend

Till the shadows pulled their veil and said, So long!, Friend!



Evening while completing its visit,

Showing its willingness to persist,

Cast long shadows,

And fell silent



The nymphs have departed,

The flickers of desire faded

Embers quite dead and cold

The night yawned!

And I stretch a little, and sang,



"Let us walk some distance this night

The night windy cold and dark

Let us walk by some alley half-lit

And run from the moving grey shadows

Wrought by lamp-posts all the way

And let us yawn,

Looking at the lonely stars

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Oh, sister!

Oh, sister, oh sister!

Oh, sycamore-scented sister!

I'm so cold, so cold and so alone!

I have nestled in your barkskin,

nestled deep, but I found nothing.

Oh, you stir me like no other

because the thought of you burns

in my mind.

Burns in my mind,

burns in my mind,

not like a warm retreat,

like a cruel forest fire!

Oh, sister, oh, sister!

Why do I love you still, sister?

Did I ever love you more

than when you didn't love me?

Oh, I am so cold and bare,

stripped and lost and naked,

and you burn on, sister, burn on,

sycamore-scented, through the night.

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poem_211_Can_I

“You can do it!

Just set that goal!

Keep your head up,

And strong in the stroll!”



That’s what I hear,

Nearly all the time,

When I have something,

I’m battling to climb.



But I’m beginning to wonder,

The capability of me.

Can I really do these things,

That so many others see?



How can I be,

Something so great?

When will I see?

Will it be too late?



Because I’m sitting here now.

Tears trailing my cheeks,

Wondering if I can do it,

With doubt hitting the peaks.



Can I do it?

Can I succeed?

In all I set myself,

And want to exceed?



I’m feeling too worn out,

To keep on going.

To strive for the greatness,

That I’m apparently showing.



That others praise so much.

How they tell me they’re proud.

So many people say it.

With me left out of the crowd.



I can’t see it in myself.

And it makes me doubt,

Of these seeming talents

That y’all talk about.



I just want to know,

What is it about me,

That makes me so successful

And why is it I can’t see?







Inspired by: My parents and self doubt

Created on: June 7, 2008 – 0424

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