For Amanda


Now is the time to share love and memories with our family and friends
As the gentle sighs of winter settles quietly upon the land

And though there are a many good ones there are those we wish to forget
The are memories that steal a part of you and leave you full of regret

My darling child, never would I have wished you to experience so much pain
No mother's heart would ever want her child to feel so lost and strained

Though your heart is heavy and your outlook so hard, bleak and forlorn
I will be here for you as I have been since the day that you were born

My unfaltering love for you will have no end, and no tragic quirk of fate
Could ever change what affections I hold, a love that will never abate

So though times may be hard and they may be demanding
Remember I am here and will be ever understanding

As a mothers love is full of arms that can hold and kisses to bestow
On her angel whose sadness leaves her tearful and full of woe

I love you, my angel

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For Grandpa

Now Grandpa I know

You didn't want us to grieve

But it's so hard not to

When we didn't want you to leave

I can't imagine a world

Without your laugh and smile

Though when I feel the warmth of the sun

I know that's you for a while

Even if you were busy

You made time, you were always there

No matter what you were doing

You let us know that you cared

Never have I met

A more patient man

You always listened

Like no one else can

And even though I am sad

I am happy to feel so blessed

Because all this time I had

Not just a Grandpa but the very best!

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gam zeh ya’avor

i sit in the dark

to drink of my heart

with each breath i take

evil awakes

and all my mistakes

don't seem to break

and silence plays tune

to the breath of the moon

wraps me around

stitching my frown

making it seem

like it was in a dream

funny thing is

a crack in my ribs

which took a beat

from my heart in it's sleep

wanting to free

itself from disease

which is evil itself

eternity seeps out my cells

stretching upward to heaven

why can't i leave this place

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Time, a sadness born by all

Worse, the distance of her crawl

A phantom of slow and steady speed

Who heeds no others cry nor need

A march in silence, a season of wait

At times is agony the gait

Yet too she speeds when we would not

The slowness seems so quickly lost

And moments we would gladly hold

Quiet thoughts and touches gold

Wend fast away when comes a stall

And we wait again for time to fall...

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the bitch and the queen


she can scream

at times be so mean

blessed be

a peace of mind at least

i will pray for those who suffered as i did

i want to know

why did GOD create eve to help adam

if eve was to leave first

why was she to leave my side

to burn me on the inside

with the truth in HIS hand

who am i to deny or defy a GOD

i must take up the pieces and carry them within me

i must say farewell to those who rest

do my best to try to understand why it is they rest

no reason

no treason

continue the search of discovery

the memories have completely decimated me

destroyed any hope in me

from the screaming and yelling

to the touches to the rose petal warmth breathe

the icy fingers to the jagged edge

letting go i cannot

forgetting is wasting time

looking to the stars wishing she was mine

my queen to stand beside me

my bitch to scar me

Author's Notes/Comments: 

this was written  when i was 23
dedicated to "angel"

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this is me falling

into darkness

slipping into madness

angels capturing me

only to slip further

only to break harder

an honest heart has cost me

everything has drifted apart

walk the dark path

walking on broken glass

forever more

lost in madness

trapt in darkness

angels saving me

only to lose me even further

oh how i wish

i wouldn't break even harder

death is sweet to me

when i live without her

my comfort

my lifeline was in her



fainting into madness

oh how i wish my loving

mistress was here to





to me those words she placed inside of me

that now feel like their being ripped from me

this life at times unbearable

i found out i'm so


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not a poem just thoughts

just thoughts

i have no idea what to do anymorre i love adam more than almost anything, except gregory.... but i am so tired of feeling like shit. i just want to be happy all the time like we use to but i dont know if thats possible most the time i dont feel like her wants to be with me i barely feel like he does, ever since the incedent my heart is still broken because of that and who knows if i will ever truly get over it and the biggest problem is that i never forget anything especially the bad.. i hold on to it, and i dont think i will ever stop bringing it up when he hurts me there is just so much pain, and it seems like my life is surrounded by pain, like i am never going to be happy, and what if i stay with adam and cause gregory pain  all i want is to make my little boy happy and right now i dont think i will succeed i am that is killing me inside i just want the hurt to stop. And i want to make adam happy too but i really dont think it is possible for me to do that for him to be happy he need weed and i have weed who gives a fuck what he says it is a drug.... and as for him thinking its ok for gregory to smoke it that just pisses me off i never want gregory to do drugs....

How do you make some one happy when all they want is something that is illegal, i just dont understand.. i just want to forget all about sam thats all i want i want it to have never to have happened i want adam to be able to take it back i feel like no one can understand the pain i feel thought other people probably do it just feels like that.

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The kids of today,

And the things that they say,

And the world that they see,

Is so different from me.

But they can’t run away from today,

And tomorrow,

They’re all gonna die from the

Pain and the sorrow.

They cause all this trouble,

And then they make it double.

And their hearts are all black,

And they don’t hold back.

Runnin’ away from their problems

And their family and their friends,

Layin in a ditch,

All alone in the end.

Reflectin on their life,

On what was and what is,

And wishin they could’ve changed,

And they wish and they wish,

But nothing, it’s over and they can’t stop.

All they can do is listen to their heart beat drop.

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A Midsummer Night's Dream...Came True

First Love

There are handprints on my heart

From when you held it tight

Your footprints on my heart

To follow you when things aren't right

Tear stains on my heart

From the pain I have to hold inside

Bandages on my wounded heart

The ones you gave me are harder to hide

All I've ever dreamed

Was to be kissed again by you

All I've ever wanted you see

Suddenly, all came true

You held me until it was light in the horizon

And the stars tucked themselves away

You held my hand and walked with me

Then you kissed me in the same old special way

I love you in every way there is

You're everything to me

You're what I want and always need

I wish you were here with me

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