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Lost and alone,

I have to wander this world with no one to guide me.

Why did you have to leave me here alone?

Why couldn’t you take me with you?

It hurts so badly with out you.

I miss you so much.

I never even knew you.

I don’t remember you.

I don’t remember one smile,

One kiss,

One laugh,

One hug.

I need you more than you’ll ever know.

I’ll never know what it’s like to be tucked in bed by you.

I’ll never know what it’s like to have an argument with you.

I’ll never know what it’s like to have a heart to heart with you.

For the longest time,

I’d never been to your grave.

Not because I didn’t want to visit you,

Because my father moved us so far away from you.

Like he was trying to escape from you.

From your memory.

But for me,

There were no memories.

Only stories that he was reluctant to tell me.

When ever I asked,

He could never find any similarities between us.

He acted like he didn’t want to.

God, I love you.

I miss you so much,

That some times I can’t breathe.

I would have much preferred to have died instead,

Rather than being in this reality where you are dead.

Where I am alone and without you.

Of all the options that god had,

Why did he opt to leave me motherless?

I do love my sister. So don't get me wrong. She has done ALOT of things to me and the rest of our family. Thanks for reading.





You broke my trust in you

You broke my heart

You let them take my hopes

You let them distroy my dreams

You let them take my reason for life and love



Oh I hate you

Go away and don't return

Remember when we were little...

I looked up to you

Now you look up me...

Why did you need to change.

Your not change for the better

Your still fucking up my life



Oh I hate you

Stop making me cry

Stop hurting mommy & daddy

Stop all your BULLSHIT

Don't look away...

No go ahead

Don't look at what you did

Bitch please you caused it

Oh I hate you.



By: Golden Dawn

11-19-02

The morror's looking empty

my reflection went to hide

scared of the inner blackness

that i'd hidden deep inside.



Betraying all my thoughts

and leaving nothing there to see

to make you sit and wonder

how this girl is so nieve.



Wear away the layers

stare at what you see remains

leaving just a ghost

who yesterday was no the same.



Listen in the silence

mindless hatred held at bay

looking for an intervention

because I cn't live on this way.

Hope proclaims there's more to see

pride throws it's spotlight on me

pain does leave me on the ground

and I just hope i won't be found.



Envy makes my hate return

love makes my jelousy burn

sorrow makes me want to cry

you know that I don't wish to try.

I watch the water drain free

from the tub

how I wish it would take my

pain & convictions away

with it down that little hole

as I sit with emotionless motion

I watch the water dry slowly

on top of my skin

I don't want to move I don't

want to disturb the solitude

of my porcelan blanket

I just want to sit

I want to cry

I want to scream

I want her to understand

the world does not revolve

around her

If only you knew how i feel,

I love you so much.

If only you knew my pain,

My sorrow,

My love for you.

I am sorry...

And this will be my last note to you...

I love you...



-The girl you once knew

I cry,

I dream,

I hurt,

I pain,

I love,

I lie,

I live,

I learn,

I sorrow,

I greave.

But who is all of this for?

I smile,

I laugh,

I talk,

I listen,

I depress,

I die.

so much of my heart is gone,

that i do not know

what true feeling is



I know pain,

I know anger and sorrow.

but i know not happiness

i know not joy and peace.

But the most painful of all,

is i know not love.



love is said to be excuisite,

said to be free and caring,

it knows no hatred,

knows no race, color, or origin,



But i know not of this feeling

I know not true happiness,

i even know not the real me.



I know characteristics,

i know personality,

but i know not my soul and being.



I wonder what people see,

when they look in my eyes.

for they say,

the eyes are the window to the soul.

If this is true,

what do they see?



Do they see:

How confused I am?

All the pain in my heart?

All the things that i hold back?

The happiness I seek?

What do they see?



I truly wish I knew,

For maybe i could ask,

And maybe then,

I just might understand

Just who I am, and how I feel.



But if I dont know,

And they cannot see,

what will I do?



For how can i learn to love myself,

If i cannot see myself?

How can I experiece this,

If i cannot see or feel it?

Just what am I to do?



Wont anyone help me?

Doesnt anyone care?

Isnt there anyone out there

Who understands my anguish?

Anyone that can see

Through these walls that i have built?

No one who will help me tear them down?



Lord hear my plea,

and send me just one,

One soul who understands,

One person who can help.

That is all i ask.



I dont want money,

I dont want power,

I dont want intelligence,

I dont want better health,



All I want is one who understands,

One to converse with,

One to lean on,

One who's shoulder I can cry on,

One who will jsut hold me,

And tell me it will all be OK.



CAn you not give me that?

"FYI part III"   11 - 6 - 02



how will i

this lowly man

execute my thoughts

make real my plan

where will i turn

for help, for love

already cut off

that Man from above

He sends a Dove

an offer to Repent

I send my own bird

but in Contempt

alone on this rock

cold with the night

alone in my thoughts

filled with a plight



i am invincible

i am not lost

i know my limits

i know the cost



i know my actions

i know the hurt

i have many reactions

i have thumped at the dirt



i have in vain

i have in my heart

i hold what does remain

i hold the shattered parts



i will make it

i will survive

i will have it

i shall revive...