Pain/Sorrow

A Dark World

Folder: 
Pain

Brother slain

for material gain

sex attracted my sister

AIDS dismissed her

moms drank before bed

died with the bottle

between her legs

Pops loved to inject heroin

inhaling crack is what

destroyed him

my loved ones are gone

I'm all alone

which path shall I follow

in a life so shallow

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Shot!

Folder: 
Storytell'n

They told me ol'boy was pissed

but I didn't think he'd go out

like this

all I hear is people scream'n

I swear this feels like I'm dream'n

I don't understand

I can't feel my hands

I feel numb from my head to my feet

I can't hear anything else over the

sound of my heart beat

this street life I would've stopped

if I'd known what it was like to be shot

I can't see past the tears in my eyes

Damn! It really feels like I'm about to die



Blackout



What happened? Everything is dark

and I've lost my fight

Whats that in the distance?

It looks like a bright light

it looks like that tunnel people talk

about when your dead

Damn! I hope I am dreaming and this is

all in my head



Blackout



Wait! I'm back, back to reality

I see my moms on the side of my bed

on bended knee

I hear the doctors tell her I'm lucky

to be alive

the bad part is the rest of my life

I'll be paralyzed

it wasn't worth living my life in the streets

I knew all along this life wasn't for me

I wanted to live in the fast lane playing

the thug game

Now I'll live the rest of my life in numbing pain

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Not Feeling Poetic

Folder: 
Pain

Once again you have crushed

my manhood with the insistent

pounding of your venomous tongue

causing my spirit to plunge

back into this toilet we

call reality

where you find orgasmic anal

pleasure by taking a shit

on me

Ferociously I fight to keep

my soul alive

my spirit on high

but you insist on seeing

me die...daily

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Statue

Folder: 
Juvenilia

Grey-stained moon fades in morning twilight

Fades in mourning twilight

Not even the sun can warm the hearts of men

Made of stone

I feel like a drifting hollow statue

No warmth on my blank face

Can't even catch the rays on my crumbled fingertips

All just fades to grey

Dwindles down to nothing

Can't feel

Can't weep

Nobody loves a statue

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Relationally idiotic.

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Summer Rain

Folder: 
Juvenilia

Words can never ease the pain

Rain in the summer is still just rain

I never give, I always take

Mistakes made in love are still just mistakes

Nobody asks to feel this unclear

Tears shed in joy are still just tears

Apologies don't end the dying

Untruths told in care - it's still just lying

Words can never ease the pain

You can't take away my summer rain

I never give, I always take

I can't stop making mistakes

Nobody asks to feel this unclear

You could never see my tears

Apologies don't end the dying

The smiles you see - it's always lying

Words can never ease the pain

So I'll just drown in my summer rain...

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Drowning.

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Peeking Through the Blinds (woman's perspective)

Folder: 
Storytell'n

Umph!Umph!Umph! There he goes again

off to see his white girlfriend

he think just because she live on the west side

his wife don't know

he's a fool cuz she is hav'n him followed

she said she gonna take him for everythang he got

from his big ol'bank account right down to his

rolex watch

I told her go ahead girlfriend do what you got to do

Shiiit! Cuz if he was my man he would have been thru



She has been going thru a lot in the past few months

on account of him wanting that white girl's rump

Ooh! The first time girlfriend told me I swear

I felt her pain

especially when she told me she found his shirt

with lipstick stains

Of course he came up with some lame-ass excuse

he confused her so bad she didn't know what to do

So she let the first time slide

since he had such a good alibi

but it wasn't a pretty sight when the 2nd then 3rd

time rolled around

she used a vacuum cleaner to knock his ass down



she asked him who the mystery girl was

but he wouldn't tell her

so she said to hell with him thats when she

got the private investigator

when she found out his mistress was white

she turned pale as a ghost

she said that is the part that hurt the most

I told her girl I'm here for you thru thick & thin

Shit! As long as we got us we don't need no men

I made her laugh and smile but it didn't matter

there was nothing I could do to make her feel any better



Aw shit! Its ten o'clock and he is right on time

its really amazing what I see by peeking through the blinds

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TELL ME HOW?

Friends insist:

'Adapt yourself to the new

and the strange;

How strange?

When everything appears beyond range.



When there is no peace of mind,

Nor solace for the wounded heart;

When dawn is another day of grief,

When dusk fails to bring relief,

How to adapt to the new

and the strange,

When everything appears beyond range?



May nobody suffer the way I do,

May nobody undergo the pain I do,

Tell me when O Master of fates,

Will end all that I am going through?

There is no peace of mind for me,

There is no solace or hope for me,

Yet friends insist that I must,

Adapt myself to the new and the strange.

Sympathy my friends is sincere no doubt,

But how to grasp what is out of my range?

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Composed on October 2, 2002, after shadows of sadness, as it does sometimes, loomed over my being.

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Mountains Out of Molehills...Dear

Angry hands, wounded eyes, hungry hearts, tainted smiles.

Memories of nothing clear,

Mountains out of molehills, dear



Muffled screams in the night,

Push it down, stop the fight.

Don't tell them what they cannot "hear."

Stop it now, he smells your fear.



But that was then, and this is now.

Is it memories I cannot allow?

Why can't I get past this damned blockade?

Why is it then, I'm so afraid?



Memories can't hurt you, dear.

Tell them what they want to hear.

Stop the voices in your head.

Stop them now, or you'll be dead.



Too late, now, too late, I fear.

They come to me in whispers clear.

Of innocence lost, and childhood dreams.

Of guilt, and shame, and quiet screams.

Restless nights, and desperate days.

Love costs more than it pays.



How can I make you understand?

Something I, myself cannot comprehend?

I have survived, yet I cannot give.

I cannot trust, I cannot live,

Until I know what I have lost.

Until then I pay the cost.



Help me then, remember the pain.

Don't turn away, or say something lame.

Like "Forget it, dear, get on with your life."

If I could I would, but it cuts like a knife.

It colors the way I see, hear and feel.

To me it's there, yet it feels so unreal.



I've tried so hard to hold it back,

They're killing me, these memories I lack.

I'm dying anyway, a slow painful death.

Sometimes, I even wonder if it's worth the breath.

At least death stops the pain.



The memories too.....

Death stops the shame, no one but I knew.



Angry hands, wounded eyes, hungry hearts, tainted smiles.

Memories of nothing clear,

Mountains out of molehills, dear.......

~Holly F~

Copyright

1993

        

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This Poem was written at the very beginning of a very long and dark journey.......

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Don't, Can't and Won't.

Folder: 
closet boxes 2002

I don't believe in anything

not you or anyone

'cause in the end i'll be alone

with all my hope undone.



I can't believe in anything

i've lost the will to care

that's what happens in this world

when you find no one is there.



I won't believe in anything

and that hope can't be retreived

so please just do me one small thing

please tell me that you'll leave.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Wrote this in 5 minutes so I know it's not great but hey!!

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